Happy Halloween. May the spirits of epic failure haunt you no longer…

Instead of dressing up as headless Ted Williams, I decided to help us all. I am dressing up as a virgin sacrifice. Yes, that’s right. To the god of baseball.

Carlton Fisk will look favorably upon this offering.

And we can move past this horrible, horrible month.

You are welcome.

What I do, I do for all of you.

Off to be baseball god food! Have a happy Halloween! And… if you see any costumes of baseball relevance- shoot jpgs to ohnolauren@gmail.com.

~L

The Cardinals win.

I don’t care. You can’t make me care.

My dad: “No one saw this coming.”

I don’t care.

“It’s a real underdog story.”

I. Do. Not. Care.

“I do feel sorry for Nolan Ryan.”

I DON’T CARE!

“I wanted a good series, and once they won last night, yeah, I wanted them to win.”

SHUT UP.

“Plus the Red Sox beat the Cardinals. That’s the field where they won their first one, remember.”

Oh. Okay.

Nope. STILL DO NOT CARE.

Allan Craig, you should be Jacoby Ellsbury.

Nolan Ryan, you can be my pen pal. If you want.

I’m just excited that I have been watching sports for like, an hour, and NO ONE HAS MENTIONED THE RED SOX.

I wish they weren’t wearing red. It… Just a glance and it’s almost like…

I’m okay. I’m okay.

I am going to go drink champagne in my childhood room and cry.

~L

“Oh, but to be a Texas Ranger’s fan and to be ONE STRIKE AWAY from it, two times,” Dad said.

Can we go back to Nolan Ryan crying now? I don’t want to be alone.

Roger-Gate, 2011 CONTINUES

With YOUR daily injection of all things icky, I’m Too Soxy. I’m here live in cubicle hell reading a Google alert about how favorite pitcher-turned-JudasJuicer Roger Clemens wants MORE money from America.

Just when you thought it was safe to stop rolling your eyes… Just when you thought that, regardless of how screwed up the mistrial was… at least it would mean you wouldn’t have to hear about this shit. This irritating, irritating shit. Just when you thought it was safe to check your Google alerts-

HE IS BACK.

And he’s expensive.

Clemens asked that Judge Reggie Walton order the government to pay for his legal fees and expenses incurred between June 25 and July 14, arguing the prosecutors wasted time and money to resolve the allegations.

That’s right, ladies and gents. Not only do we have to pay with eyeblood after we’re forced to watch this shit, we have to pay with tax dollars too.

“Only Mr. Clemens directly paid out of his personal funds to prepare for trial, resources now wasted through no fault of his own,” Clemens’ lawyers argued in a brief motion.

Do you think he paid for the juice out of his personal funds too?

AMERICA, ladies and gents. AMERICA.

Why should he get the $$$$$? Because of Biggie Smalls.

Again: America. Land of the brave.

~L

See? At least he’s sorry. And looking at you with those teary Papi eyes…

“I would never try to do anything to hurt the organization. This organization, I hope I don’t have to go anywhere else. Playing for the Red Sox you have to be proud of it and I’m proud to play for the Red Sox. My agent was there and he let them know how I feel. We’ll see.”

“If the Red Sox sign me right now they won’t regret (it),” Ortiz added. “I’ve got so many ways to keep doing what I’ve been doing around here. I bring so much to this organization, I bring so much to the table here because I care so much about this organization.”

So, Ortiz said some hate. Was it last week? The week before? As usual, it was FRONT PAGE NEWS. Because, even though attention COULD be focused on relevant teams. You know. Like the Cards. And the Rangers. That’s not the way the world works. Apparently, people hate us more than they respect the World Series.

As a true Papiest, I refused to read said hate (miraculously, thanks to a clever e-mail filter), so it’s a lot easier for me to let bygones be bygones.

I mean, that’s enthusiasm, people. You know who DOESN’T have enthusiasm? Curt Schilling. Ever. When he talks smack about the team that made him… Curt Schilling. Who doesn’t even play anymore and (as much as it breaks my heart to say this) is as irrelevant as the defunct cubicle walls piled up in the storage room of my office.

It was a frustrating year for Papi. He played okay plus. The team sucked up blackholes worth of shit. And yeah, so he let a few things slip to the media, like that bit about wishing Aceves was in the rotation (that bit that we were ALLLLLLL thinking and blogging about). And stormed a presser. Oh, and almost killed Kevin Gregg (but really, who wouldn’t, given the opportunity?). But not resigning? That would break my heart.

A heart already pulverized by a Soxtember and Soxsplosion.

But then there’s Jonny Paps. Aka Jonathan Papelbon. CAN we sign both of them? SHOULD we sign both of them? What would we do without Papelbon? Seriously? Since I can count at least a billion occasions where he was the only one who remembered he was a pitcher?

You know, chicken grease probably makes the ball slippery. But that’s neither here nor there.

Papelbon, who does sometimes forget he’s a pitcher and not a jigger, is historically fun to watch. You know. When he’s not loading the bases and watching the score creep up as he loses the last game to the Yankees when you’ve made a bet with that karaoke dj you’re dating that involves a humiliating amount of barbecue sauce and- (NEVER FORGET) I’m okay.

Papi is the face of the Sox.

Papelbon? Perhaps its savior?

Soooooo torn.

And then there’s Jason Varitek, who I am lobbying to replace Curt Young.

So many decisions.

I wish I was the one making them. Thoughts? Time to get serious, people. This Ben guy, he needs us.

And if we don’t claim Papi soon, he could get kidnapped by the Canadians.

Oh. And, dear Red Sox, NO. Thanks. Love, Lauren.

Joe Maddon gives me the creeps.

~L

Now they’re talking about how our BRAND has taken a hit.

Seriously, guys, when will the media Soxsplosion cease? I really feel sorry for Cards and Rangers fans. I’d be pissed (and was) if other teams overshadowed my World Series. Remember how it felt when the A-Rod announcement came out mid-WS? The difference? This isn’t us. It’s YOU, espn.

PS- Youkilis watch! K-Youk himself was spotted at Whalburgers. Do you think they have veggie Whalburgers? And do you think Paul Whalberg could introduce me?

YOUKIE is here FOREVER.

Ben Cherington today on Kevin Youkilis:

“We expect him to be our third baseman in 2012.”

See that, Soxies? You were ALL WRONG. Youkie will be with us. FOREVER. Ben Cherington SAID so. <-This translation of the above quote was brought to you by caffeine and a bad, bad day.

~L

RIP, John Lackey! Ahhhhhh… memories…

Day two of a bright, shiny Lackeyless year. Inspired by the folks at CBS, I started thinking about great Lackey moments of 2011, Too Soxy style.

Moments like:

April. That time you made me bawl, John Lackey. BAWL. It was Texas. And I was crying. And you were there. And you SUCKED.

April. Remember when you actually WON a game? Those words I ate that day. They tasted like sandpaper…

Remember Allllll those times when we BEGGED you not to suck.

That time you were “less than pleased.”

That time you took responsibility for something! I marked it on my calendar with an exclamation point.

That time you strained your shoulder!

That time you lost to the White Sox…

Oh! And that time you came back and the Bruins lost. Coincidence?

Remember when we threw you at Canada?

It hasn’t all been bad. Remember when I tried to compliment you?

Remember when Francona said you “lost (your) feel?”

Oh! Oh! Oh! When ALLLL the blogs compared you to a sloth. ALLLL the blogs.

Oh! And that time I wanted you deported after the Padres loss.

Remember that time you gave up 8 hits and made me not want to live in Boston?

We did lose a couple games that weren’t ENTIRELY your fault.

July 4 when you said your arm felt good. After you sucked. Remember that? And then blogger buddy Jup started a fundraiser to take a hit out on your arm? Finally hit payday, Jup. Feelin’ good.

The game that posed the question: “Why, John Lackey? WHY?”

That time I added you to the DL- the DENIAL LIST for being ridiculous.

That time Joe Maddon went crazy after losing to you, John Lackey.

And who can forget that game that you played where MIKE LOWELL came back. I mean, I can’t remember if we won. You were pitching. But MIKE LOWELL was there.

Oh! When Lackey actually won but I made fun of him anyway and compared him to Jaws from James Bond!

Remember that time I initiated the John Lackey pledge? Here was the first draft. Remember that? Here’s the final draft. Seems silly now…

And who can forget that time you let five runs swing by- oh- and when you broke Bard. Ah… memories…

And the emo post you inspired right before basketball guy came back from the dead. Maybe I should… thank you for that one?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And that time you helped us strand 16. Remember that, Lackey?

Oh! Your start Sept. 9. Remember that, John Lackey? No? Click here.

And that time Sept. 19 when John Lackey broke our hearts. AGAIN.

Oh! Oh! Oh! That time where Lackey sucked and we won (and he just “didn’t know how to explain it,” man…).

That game Lackey pitched Sept 25 where we won, but not really, because Jacoby Ellsbury is the only one who played.

And, of course, the BEST day: That time our new favorite problem-solver Ben Cherington announced a Lackeyless 2012.

It’s kind of heartwrenching going back to the beginning. Where it all began. From Dice-K heartbreak to Reyes fails to Bad-bad Bobby Jenks. What a long, strange trip it’s been. And Lackey… you were a big part of that downward spiral.

How does hospital chicken taste? <- Is that mean? Is that too mean?

Sorry. I just read blogs from April.

I’m okay…

Sigh.

What’s your fondest, most teeth-gritting moment of the Lackey spiral?

L

John Lackey to miss 2012. Please try to keep a straight face.

Ben Cherington (clever nickname pending), our new GM (who WANTS the job. suck it, Theo), made an important announcement today. Now. Before I give you details, I’m going to need you to take a deep breath. A deeper breath. That’s it. What I’m going to tell you MAY evoke an audible reaction. But, for the sake of team spirit, unity, political correctness and decorum, you MUST keep it to yourself, k?

Ready?

Okay.

John LACKEY. Is getting Tommy John surgery. And… wait for it… another deep breath…

–

WILL MISS THE ENTIRE 2012 SEASON.

–

“I believe he’s going to be a much better pitcher than what he showed in 2011, and we look forward to having him as part of the staff, likely in 2013.”~Cherington

Screw it. It’s the internet. No one can see you. Let it out. LET IT OUT NOW.

Better?

Okay. Let it out again.

Now that we’ve all had a good, cathartic cry-laugh- this isn’t good news. We paid John Lackey a katrillion dollars. A KATRILLION dollars. And by we, I mean Theo Epstein, who doesn’t have to deal with the fallout, because he’s skipping through the poppy fields with the cubbies. (Isn’t it easier to think of EVERYTHING like it’s happening in Wizard of Oz?) Fallout from a guy we hired. With a crappy elbow. Whose MRIs suggest…. he HAD a crappy elbow. WHEN WE HIRED HIM, THEO. I took the liberty of bolding that in red for you.

“I’ve had indications that there are some questions about just how healthy [Lackey is],” Gammons said back in June. “We know he was disabled with the elbow problem.” Gammons said Lackey may need Tommy John by August, despite his elbow not being significantly different in MRIs compared to when he signed with the Red Sox prior to the 2010 season. (Lackey, when asked about Gammons’ quotes, told ESPN Boston that “He straight made that up.” Apparently not.)

“He’s really excited about the future. He’s anxious about the surgery and the rehab…” ~Cherington

Excited about the year off from media ridicule and responsibility? You betcha. Bet they’ll let you eat allllll the chicken you want…

Can you PLAY video games when you’ve just had Tommy John surgery?

Oh. Right. Decorum. Tact.

Now. Problem solving. So. We’ve lost a kabillion dollars on Napoleon Dynamite with a ‘tude.

What to do, what to do…

Now, bear with me, K? (BEAR with me? Get it? You will)

I have a solution.

John Lackey out…

BALOO In?

Why the hell not? At this point, seriously… why the hell not?

Would this mean we’d have to stop comparing C.C. Sabathia to the Jungle Book bear? Because a lot has already changed over the past month. And I don’t think I’m ready to do that. Not yet.

~L

PS- Remember. We are saddened by the news and will be thinking of John Lackey during this difficult time. We wish him a speedy recovery. <- our OFFICIAL statement. Got it? You’re going to need to practice that if you’re going to say that by the water cooler tomorrow with a straight face.

PSS- Who LOVES Ben Cherington? This girl. ONE DAY and you have already solved Lackey. ONE DAY.

You get a roll of stickers. A ROLL.

Theo Epstein Presser: Try not to vomit

THROW UP. Yuck. This Chicago Cubs press conference is nauseating.

But we here at Too Soxy have decided to take the high road. The high, high, high, high, high road.

Instead of talking about how you make us taste bile, Red Sox front office, we are going to eulogize the passing of our dear, dear Theo. Because, see, Soxies, that’s what happened. He died, see.

So. Eulogy.

And we need YOUR help.

Hit the comments with your best Theo memories. Or your worst Theo memories. Or. Whatever. Feel free to shoot e-mails to ohnolauren@gmail.com.

~L

Seriously, I didn’t know how bitter I would be until I saw this nonsense.

Look how happy the little Cubbies are. In their little Cubby suits. With their little Cubby curse.

I feel like the Grinch did that one time when glaring at Whoville. THEO! Step. Away. From. The. Roast. Beast. NOW.

Oh- and that newspaper column Theo wrote? That pandering piece of… (breathe, Lauren) ALL that piece did- ALL it did- was serve as a confession that you have been plotting to leave all summer. NO WONDER there was a lack of focus. BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TRAINING YOUR REPLACEMENT. I was fine with you leaving. I said kudos. Remember, Soxies? When I said kudos? I said I wished you well. I SAID THAT. But, since I know that you had planned this allllllllllll along, I take back my kudos. ALL OF THEM. You hear me, Theo? NO KUDOS FOR YOU.

But a eulogy. Yes. It will be good for both of us. Comment, please.

My friends are pricks. Oh. And it’s almost Halloween.

So, Halloween is coming up. I don’t have a costume. Didn’t, anyway. I’ve brought out my handy dandy sewing kit (you have no idea how crafty I am, Soxies. Seriously).

My friends are pricks.

Jeb just said the following to me (and I’m posting it for a little backup, people):

“I think you should go as a Boston Red Sox pitcher. You already have the outfit so all you need is case of Bud and a bucket of the Colonel’s finest.”

PRICKS.

This is me last year:

My costume took me two months.

Hopefully, this year it will take five days…

Seriously. Anyone have a witty comeback? Because Red Sox insults leave me speechless lately. And, in case you haven’t noticed, that is HARD.

~L

It’s okay, Zooey Deschanel. We would have bolted too.

A World Series this boring needs cartoons.

Maybe that would have kept Zooey and company there past the 6th inning.

Seriously. I don’t even know what’s going on. I think this is the first year I haven’t watched the World Series AT ALL.

What a strange world to live in where we’d rather watch Gossip Girl reruns than baseball.

Apparently there was an almost comeback? And we STILL didn’t care to watch? I don’t know what you guys need to do to get ratings, Selig.

I just. Don’t. Know.

“This will probably be the lowest-rated World Series since the invention of the vacuum tube.

All of which supposedly confirms the following:

The World Series needs big-market teams.

The NFL is king.

Modern Family is more entertaining than Alexi Ogando.

The sky is falling on baseball.”

Seriously. The most exciting thing so far? A fricking whiffle ball. Most people DON’T EVEN KNOW THE WORLD SERIES IS ON. And, if it hadn’t interrupted episodes of “Glee” and “the New Girl,” well, no one would know.

Maybe you should talk to your ESPN buddies and get them to help promote your series. You know. Instead of devoting all its baseball screen time to a Soxsplosion that’s supposed to be over. Just a thought, Buddy.

And Joe Torre… aren’t there more productive things you could be doing? Like, I don’t know…. PRETENDING to root for the Cards? Wikipedia says you did play for them… and manage them… for like FIVE YEARS.

Right. My apologies, Joe. That was pre-Stankees. Must not count.

~L