John Lackey. Hi. You are very tall.
So. John Lackey.
Okay. Over the past few months, our relationship has been spotty at best. I admit I may have been… hasty in calling you an over-sized hunchback without a bell to ring… and comparing the pitcher’s mound to the Notre Dame Cathedral might have been harsh. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that your face belongs on a ship’s stern in 1602 to scare off sea monsters. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that you remind me of Dirk except chubby. Maybe I shouldn’t have compared your hands to flapjacks.
But I was angry.
I’m here to apologize. To fulfill my end of the bargain.
When last you pitched, I had a request:
“Could you, um, pitch? That’s your job, see… And in exchange, I promise that, if you pitch WELL, I won’t talk about you for like, at least a day. Maybe two. And I’ll say something nice. In fact, the nice thing I say will be the title of my next blog post.”
That was on June 11. And, as you can see from my eloquent words, I am fulfilling my end of the bargain.
John Lackey, compliments for you.
1. You are tall.
2. You don’t always suck.
3. You provide great shade.
But see, that’s all I had. So, in honor of you fulfilling your part of the agreement (I am a gal of my word), I did some research on you. Turning to the one place I know I’ll find factual information.
So, for people (like me) who, perhaps, judge John Slackey (sorry) John Lackey harshly, I have compiled some John Slackey (there I go again) John Lackey facts for perusal.
1. Did you know he goes by the nickname “Big John?” How novel. I wonder why.
2. John Lackey lettered in football, baseball and basketball (6’6″ tall) at his Texas high school.
3. His wife is awesome. She turned him into a Red Sox tolerant human.
5. MANY things rhyme with Lackey. So, bloggers don’t even have to use the phrase Slackey. They can say Iraqi, khaki, hackey (as in the sack), tacky and wacky. As in, “that wacky lackey! he may look tacky in Iraqi khaki, but he’s no slackey! let’s go play sack that’s hackey!”
So, in conclusion, John Lackey, you are A-okay. Really. I mean that. So go out and pitch like the swell not-disproportionately structured human that you are.
Otherwise, I’ll starting using all the awesome NEW insulting observations I may or may not have discovered about you when searching for compliments.
There. Now do we like Lackey better?
I mean it, John Lackey. Don’t screw up.