Archive for August, 2011

That time we smacked down some Stankees.

August 31, 2011 53 comments

See my headline? That is called optimism. It’s this new thing I’m trying.

An hour to go… see you 7:15ish for the smacking. LIVE blogging shall commence soooooooon.

Smacking, right? Smacking. Feel free to play with better words in the comment section…


Off work! Huzzah. Need to whet your appetite for tonight? Check out THIS link sent by our good friend Jeb. It’s all about Derek Jeter in high school. You know. 50,000 years ago when dinosaurs walked the earth. Or. Um. Forty. Or something like that.

Yay! MLB music! Yay! It has been so long!

WEEI/NESN Radio Telethon GAME TWO! Don Orsillo.

Josh Beckett. 11 and 5. Numbers terrific. GOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

“Beckett has not allowed more than 2 runs in any of his games against the Stanksssss”

Jerry Remy. Oh.

And now we’re replaying yesterday.



It’s another day. Like Annie said in the whimsical musical “Annie.”

I was in that show this one time. I played Annie.


Jimmy Fund telethon! And… a commercial break.

At least we don’t have to hear Jerry talk during the commercial break.

Let’s get STARTED.


Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher, Eric Chavez. 5-7 hitters last night.

That was LAST night, Don. LAST night.

Heidi Watney.

“the subject came up once again how these two teams play extremely long baseball games…”

Terry Francona.

“Every pitch seems pretty big and every base runner seems pretty big and so many of these are nationally televised games… but I think it’s just the fact that they are important games and we treat it that way.”

Heidi Watney- Joe Torre called Francona to talk to Beckett about not pitching fast enough? I would have liked to have overheard that conversation. Oh, Joe Torre. You just like seeing your name on my blog.


Jeb, you are not hated. You are ridiculed. There’s a difference. 🙂 I think you’re swell. Your Pirate handicap, well… I find it endearing. And a little sad. But see? Another smiley face- :). Makes me pretty endearing too.


The Red Sox have taken the field. Okayyyyyy.

Sarah Mendon, Jimmy Fund patient, reads the NY roster.

You don’t have to call them all “mister,” Sarah.

“Great job Sarah, and on the mound tonight is Josh Beckett…. 2.3 earned run average….”

Oh, Don.

This feed truly sucks. Truly. It’s checkerboarding again. I pay for this???

Jason Varitek doing the catching!!! Jason Varitek doing the catching!!!

Brian O’Nora is our homebase ump. Remember that. I will.

Hi, Josh. I haven’t seen you in so long. I have so much to tell you. So much. But that can wait. You’ve got a little gardening to do…. get it? Brett Gardner? No? I’ll work on it between now and the ninth.

Strike 2! Stike 2! Anddddd… in the dirt. I get it, Josh. You don’t want us getting too happy, too fast.

Hi, Jeb. It is NOT going to be a 7.5 hour game. But I am going to call you Joe Torre, at least in my head, for the next hour for making that comment.


Okay. Josh. Joshy. Beckster. Line to right. Base hit.

“Pretty good bat here in the first inning.”

Shove it, Don. This is  your fault.

“Early in his career, that’s a pitch he couldn’t handle,” Jerry said.

Shut. Up.

We get it. It’s a hit. Okay. Movin’ on…

Stolen bases- he has stolen two more than Jacoby. Watch him, Josh. Watch himmmmm… Bunt. Jeter out at first. But Stealy McStealerson is on second.

“They’re expecting a close one with the Yankees sacrificing right out of the chute,” Remy said.

Curtis Grandersnake. Reeeeallllyyyy looks like the guy from Psych. Anyone notice that before? Anyone?

“The Yankees have not been able to do much so far with Josh Beckett,” Jerry said. “Maybe that’s why they’re bunting, just to get a lead.”


First K of the night.

I’m glad it was you, Grandersnot. You have struck out 143 times this season. Good.

Mark Teixeira. Steeeeeeerike one.

“We don’t usually see Beckett throw this many curve balls right out of the shoot,” Jerry said.

You’re using “out of the chute” a lot today, Jerry. You need a sayings thesaurus.

“First cut fast ball of the night…. the only pitch we have not seen yet is the changeup,” Jerry said.

Are you watching, John Lackey?

Beck and Tek. They’re like a dream team. Beck and Tek. That’s good. It rhymes, you know.

Full count. Okay. Let’s not do that walking thing, Joshy. Let’s not do that.

Let’s do the strike out thing.

Derek Jeter, I will never look at you the same knowing what I know about your high school reign.

Hi, Mark. You are taking a realllllyyyyy long time at bat. I think Joe Torre was really talking about you, Mark. STRIKE OUT.




So we meet again, Phil Hughes. You are not nearly as fun to watch as Beckett. You know it. I know it. Jacoby Ellsbury knows it…

Strike out.


That was questionable.

Pedroia. Dustin Pedroia. With a .307 average. Comes to eat what you’re dishing out, Phil Hughes. He looks peppy tonight. Look at his eyes. I had to mute it because Don Orsillo was annoying me, so I don’t know if they’re commenting on your eyes, Dustin, but they are all over the place today.

Who cares? You got a single.

A nice single.

Derek Jeter looks a bit pale today. Probably because he read the Deadspin article and know he was a high school “sweetheart couple.”

Adrian Gonzalez. After yesterday, I kind of don’t want to look at you. But here you are. Hi.

I love you, Dustin. But you aren’t just stressing Mark out. You’re kind of stressing me out. Because that was awful close. Could you just stay put for a sec? Thanks.

Okay, Gonz. I am willing to put your recent behavior… um… I am willing to put your recent behavior… um… Okay. I will find a way to give you some sort of reprieve. But only if you accomplish… um… something. Let’s go for something.

You just don’t look like you’re trying. Are you? Are you trying? I mean… is that your trying face? Because David Ortiz’ trying face has flames. FLAMES. You don’t even have tea steam.

Dustin realllllyyyyy wants to steal. Look at him almost go. Again and africkinggain.

Adrian. Caught. Of course.

Gonz. Remember when we were friends? Remember that?

Papi! I am glad to see you. So glad.

Oh no. We are going to strand you on base, aren’t we, Dustin? No. Let’s not let that happen, Papi. No. No. No. With a side of NO. 16 yesterday. 16. Goal? ZERO.

This IS taking forever. World, why must we make Joe Torre right about something?

STRIKE. End of 1st. It is 7:35.

Mo Vaughn! Hi.

I like telethons.

John Valentin! Hi.

Was he always that short?

Mo Vaughn. It is night time. You don’t really need sunglasses.

Strike out for Robinson Cano. Yayness.

Now back to Mo.

Who is in the affordable housing business? Really?

“I’ve been very fortunate to be able to have a solid professional career and go onto anothe rlevel and still be doing well,” Mo said.

“When I retired I did a little bit of tv…”

And now he’s working triple A teaching hitting? Really, John? Neato.

“Are you guys past the point where you miss playing?” Jerry

“I am. The first three to five years was tough,” John said. “When it’s gone that void is never really filled. That’s probably why I’m back on the field trying to teach.”

“I think the toughest thing in life is knowing when to get out but I knew it was my time,” Mo. “Will anything ever replace this atmosphere for me? Probably not.”

Mo went on to play in Angels, Mets…

“We don’t really remember those Angels, Mets days,” Mo said.

Love. You.

“This is a special place. You don’t really realize it when you’re here,” John said.

And. Um. Three outs. Go Red Sox.


Blah. This inning is not getting off to a good start. I want to talk to Mo some more. But we’re not talking to Mo, so Don, I am afraid I will have to mute you again.

Carl Crawford. My FRIEND. Yes. My FRIEND. A double. That’s why WE are friends. Adrian, my friendship could have been yours. Could have been.

Josh Reddick. And it’s caught.

Sound, you can come back.

“Comes in with a five game hitting streak,” Don said.

Say more things like that.

0 and 2.


“He has been catching Josh Beckett all season,” Don said.

And he strikes out.

For those of you paying attention at home, that’s TWO people we’ve stranded. And we’re TWO innings in.


Josh. Can we make this quick?

SAFE? I think not. I think we can allllll agree on that replay. Of course, there are no replays. Not really. Eduardo Nunez has a “double.” If we can call it that.

Whatever it is, it’s trouble.

Oh good, let’s flash back to the bench clearing yesterday. That was fun. Let’s do it again, kiddies. OUT. That’s right, Stanks. Show us what stranding em at the bases means. Because we haven’t done that in minutes.

Brett Gardner.

Two outs.

Derek Jeter.

I was surprised computers were around when you were in high school, Derek Jeter.


Did you see that? A drop catch. Jacoby? Say it isn’t so… Jacoby? Not you. NOT YOU.

1-0, Stanks. And Derek Jeter’s doing those cocky grin things. Which is fine. Because I know, Derek Jeter. I know what your mullet looked like in high school.

AND he steals a base? I didn’t think you could do that at your age.

Curtis Grandersnake.

Is it really only the top of the third?

SERIOUSLY? You are going to walk him? SERIOUSLY?

Man on first and second.

I see what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to ensure that they strand more people on base than we do, right? A bit dramatic, don’t you think, Beckett?


FDA, I found the link HILARIOUS. He has a mullet, FDA. A MULLET.

It is imprinted in my brain.


Marco Scutaro. .272. At your service. With… a hit? A hit?! A hit. A hit!!!! A single! Go Marco!

Jacoby! A double! Jacoby!  We’re… we’re… we’re playing baseball, FDA! We’re really doing it!

Pedroia…. .308 with runners in scoring position. We have runners in scoring position. RunnerS. Plural.

An out. But SCUTARO scores. SCUTARO. I know.


Two outs. Because Adrian Gonzalez has this thing against contributing, apparently.

David Ortiz. David. Ortiz.

Walkin’ to first. Yep. Yep. First and second. There we are.

And… crap.

Jed Lowrie. .269.

They say my anti-Jedism is unfounded. Show me, Jed. Put your bats where your… where your… um… something is.

Thanks. Wow. You listened. Thanks.

2-1. US.

Two on base. See that? TWO. Remember how easily a couple can multiply into SIXTEEN, Carl?

This is called momentum, see.

It is STILL the bottom of the third. STILL.

Out. Two more STRANDED.

But the score is 2-1 US.

Fourth. Wow. Fourth. And a CC Sabathia commercial.


This inning is great. 4th, 2 outs. One after another. Anddddd Josh decides to throw out two balls. It is 8:30 p.m. Alex Rodriguez is eating something and spitting. I really could have gone without that random close up.

Oh good. Terry Francona is also eating and spitting.

Lovely, boys.

Ball four???? Walks to first.

Beckett’s bowling event happened Monday. That sounds like so much fun. I mean, I hate bowling. But I like Josh Beckett.



Welcome, Jeff!

Alas, poor Reddick. We barely knew thee.

But it’s okay, because Jason Varitek is here.

Okay. Well. Maybe he’s not entirely here.




Jason Varitek is such a badass. He must have done that on purpose. We can not pretend to understand the ways of the Tek.

I’m sure he had a reason. A good reason.

Scut pops it up for… out three.

Jeb- Frank wants to go bowling. I’m not into the throwing things at wooden peg things … but I may be persuaded. I will call you so you can waste more money.


Catch. First out. Lov-er-ly.

Okay. I didn’t catch the question. But the answer is Roger Clemens, so I am not interested, Don.

It’s the top of the fifth. Did I say that already? And strike three.

If you’re keeping count, that’s KKKKKKK.

I enjoyed that little strikeout montage. Do it again!

Derek Jeter, aka: Mullet.

On the ground and under the dive.


See? See, people? See what happens when Jed plays?


The only people I have ever met bowling were scary men with few teeth and spiked SunDrop drinks.


Two and O.

Curtis Grandersnot.

It would be cool if this was strike out 8.

Cool like cucumber sandwiches.

I LOVE cucumber sandwiches. I make mine with cream cheese and dill. And cucumbers.

Josh Beckett makes his with strike outs. Cool, cool strikeouts.

Cucumbers. Cool. I wonder where that comes from.

High fly… and Reddick makes the catch. Which is also cool. And it’s the middle of a cool, cool fifth.

Jeb: It is the Jimmy Fund Telethon. Mo Vaughn was here earlier. It was swell-er-iffic.


Joining us- John Henry. Tom Werner.

“It’s a great compliment to Red Sox fans all around the country.” – Tom

Swisher catches the ball and John Henry doesn’t even flinch. See that?

He’s like a fricking statue.

“This has to be the warmest feeling evening of the year at Fenway Park,” he said.

He does not look like he feels very warm tonight.

Pedroia flies out to right field.

Okay. I think the announcer booth is jinxing the field.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

Do you think he misses me?

“You seem pretty calm right now.” Don’s understatement of… forever.

A-Gonz.  A base hit. React, John Henry! React!

Wow. John Henry has a scary laugh. And Tom Werner has a scary laugh voice.

David Ortiz takes strike one. Takes strike one? Choose a different word, Don.

“It’s, we have everything except our health,” John said. “If we can make it to the playoffs and be healthy we can be a force in the playoffs.”


I’m okay.

“It’s better than it used to be,” Jerry said.

Um. Yeah.

“When Boston’s ahead of New York in the standings, there’s no place I’d rather be.” Tom.

They stopped talking. Maybe they are watching the game.

And Jerry starts talking Ortiz numbers, “big numbers against Phil Hughes.”

Let’s see those, shall we?

“Ortiz fouls it back, full count.” Don

“That swing had intentions.” Jerry


As opposed to his other swings?

Which were just a nifty new dance move?

“George Steinbrenner was always very charitable,” John Henry said.

Thank GOD we don’t have time to digest that. Big Papi homers.

“I think our work is done here,” John Henry said.

Red Sox take a 4-1 lead. Awesome NESN closes up on Joe Girardi. Who looks like he is chewing his cud in the Stanks dugout.

Jed pops out. But we’re still winning.

6th inning. Teixeira leading it off.

Yikes. Rock to the foot. Looked painful.

You okay, Josh? You threw that awfully hard. Don’t strain yourself.

Robinson Cano.

Teix takes second.


Gets by Varitek and Teix takes second.

I know you don’t make mistakes, Jason. So I know that must have been on purpose. I know I am not meant to understand your ways, captain, but I find them curious.

Base hit. And Teix scores. Second base goes Cano. Safe.



Nobody out. Top of the sixth. Man on second. Beckett is freaking me out.

Man on first and second. Line into right field. A base hit.

Cano will score. Of course he will. And …. frick.

Tie game.


Um. Curt Young? Um.

Okay. This has been realllllly special, Beckett. Reallllly special. But I think we’re done, you and I. I think you need a little rest.

STILL no outs, by the way. Are you watching this, Curt Young? NO OUTS.

This is bullshit.



See, it’s not Josh Beckett’s job to put Josh Beckett back in the bullpen. That’s YOUR JOB, Curt Young. And YOUR job, Terry Francona. Stop eating the damn sunflower seeds and watch the fricking game!!!!!

Why is this happening????

FDA! Don’t say that about Josh Beckett! Haven’t you ever read Peter Pan? The minute you say that you don’t believe in fairies, a fairy drops down dead. Calling Josh Beckett has similar catastrophic results. See? Clap, damn it. CLAP.

FIX it. You’re closer.

Four scores in a terrrrrrrible 6th. DAMNIT.


Erik Bedard, I wish you were pitching so I could complain in French.


Jeff, why is this happening to us?

FDA, you have a farm?

It’s okay. We have two and a half innings. It’s okay.

We will be fine. I am not even worried. Nope.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

Carl Crawford.

Dr. Harold Burstein is talking about inspirational things.

See, cancer… cancer is hard.

Baseball. A breeze. Right, Carl?

877-738-1234. In lieu of flowers, you can make a donation in my name to the Jimmy Fund, kids.

This is my last night off. As some of you know, I am (in addition to being a fab reporter) a working actor… and my show goes into its last weekend tomorrow… So, if you are in North Carolina (um, JEB), there are still four chances to see it…

I miss my life (what little I had), so I’m kind of glad I get most of it back next week.

Jerry Remy looks very uncomfortable talking to the cancer doctor.

Jossssshhhhhh Reddick. Full count. Grounds one, fouls. Okay. One out, by the way. Bottom of 6. 5-4, stanks. Beckett has had 102 pitches. And can we call that a night?

Reddick walksssss.

FDA, he deserves soooooo much more than Lackey. Yeah. Okay. I’m going to imagine that you have a real farm. Oh! With miniature horses. I like miniature horses. They’re very cute. A good friend has them and she calls them walking lawn ornaments.

Fair ball… over bag! Into corner! REDDICK TIES THE SCORE!!!!!

It’s because you clapped, FDA.

TIE GAME. 5-5.


I want a chocolate sundae.

But this will do. Yes, this will do.

I need more vodka. Dose me up, freezer.

Yeah, that’s right. SIT DOWN, Joe Girardi. Or don’t sit down. Yeah. Don’t sit down. Get kicked out again.

It is called “Going to see the elephant” and it is about the Kansas Prairie but it is being produced in North Carolina. Very strange. But I don’t question theatre work. It rarely comes my way with my insane schedule.

Terry Francona, did you see what Joe Girardi just did? It’s called a pitching change.

You, Jeb? With cows? Cows are scary. They’re large. Like, much larger than they look on milk cartoons. There was this cow this one time and…

I know it doesn’t look scary. But it was. These cows escaped into the park next to my office and it was… um… an experience.

Friday, Saturday (two shows) and Sunday. You can woo ladies in Blowing Rock. There are ladies here. I know. I’ve seen them.

Two outs. Swings. Drives one deep center field…

OVER. In the monster seats!

Two run homer Jacoby!!!!

See? See, people? See what happens when you clap? 7-5 BOSTON.

EAT that Joe Girardi. Eat it.

Beckett has had some great numbers, FDA. Head first diving slide! Base hit! Fire. LOVE this inning.

Beckett’s got some of the best numbers in baseball right now. And he’s had a nasty curve tonight.

He just needs to sit down because, clearly, he is tired.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

I know you were all thinking it too.

Logan is not recording any outs. I would feel sorry for him if it wasn’t beneficially hilarious.

7-5, baby. Out ends the inning.

7-5, baby.

Jeb, you’re allowed on the bandwagon. As long as you make an appropriate sacrifice or show of good faith. You know. Like stealing Yankees hats at bars or tagging “B”s on Yankee bumper stickers. You know what? Be creative. Surprise us.


7th. OUT. Lovely. And a BECKETT out. Yes.

Way to go, Jeff. I kind of think that out was because of your clapping.

Awesome. I like pink or purple flowers, Jeb. Not that you can’t get a variety pack.

Strike OUT.

Okay, Beckett. You can stay.

I have spoken.

Two down. Mark Teixchasnot at the plate.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

His batter dance is so much more awesome than yours, Mark Teixeira.

Popped up. And… everyone tries to catch it… and Pedroia really does catch it… and 7th inning stretch begins.

Take me out to the BALLGAME!

I know I’m not the only one singing along.


Jeb! Yankee hat vandalism is a critical step in your transformation. We can’t make exceptions. We don’t make the rules, after all.


KEVIN Youkilis comes back to Boston tomorrow and could play again FRIDAY!

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you.

And something about JD Drew and an injured finger. Sounds horrid.


We should have a parade. Should we have a parade? And… stickers or something?

Who’s missed him? Who?

Raise your hand, America.


Jed Lowrie. 1 and 1. Bottom of 7. One out.


There is a Dunkin’ dugout? Really?

Daniel Bard getting ready for the eighth inning. Yay!

Ball four and down to first goes Lowrie.


Double play ball ends the inning.


I used to love watching Beckett play nat league games. Boy can hit. I love his pitch face. I don’t know if ANYONE is worth 17 mill a year… but Josh has been a-okay since he unslumped from that unspeakable year.

I’m with you on Lester. He is my current most-trusted sidekick.

And grossly underrated by the national media.

Of COURSE he did, Jeff. I felt the homer in my soul.

Daniel Bard, remember when you made magic? Let’s make some more. Let’s make magic allllllll over this inning, shall we?

A “nifty play” by Scutaro!


And Beckett is not even in the same league as Lackluster. Beckett doesn’t box himself into a jackass hole in post-game interviews.

We are third in the AL in fielding percentage. Yankes are sixth. Good. To. Know.

That was a dramatic foot foul, Swisher.

I wish I had ice cream.

62 strike outs for Bard. Behind Papelbon at 70.

“Almost hits him,” Don said.

Swisher is so dramatic. Did you see that? He doubles over in fake pain.

Picked by Pedroia. Thrown OUT.

“A couple of pretty special plays in the inning,” Don said.

“Pedroia has that incredible hand-eye coordination,” Remy said.


“Defense really helping out Daniel Bard in this inning.” Remy.

Yes, see, that’s what defense is for. To HELP.

Eric Chavez. Strike.

Alliteration matters little to us, Jeb. Very little. Vandalism means much more.

Chavez strikes OUT.

7-5. Yep-yep.


Josh Reddick. Bottom of the 8th. Paps warming up. It’s good to be on top. FAIR BALL. To second base goes Reddick.

What, no words, Joe Girardi? You sure?

You don’t have to censor yourself around me. Why don’t you chase down that umpire and tell him what’s up?

Dooooo it.

Announcers think Tek is going to bunt to push Reddick to the run. Swings away, Captain decides to HOMER INSTEAD.


I LOVE that man. LOVE.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

Oh, it’s 9-5. By the way. That’s 9-5 BOSTON.

An out. Okay.


Speak for yourself, Jeb. I was belting it out here. Ellie went running for cover. Okay. So she didn’t even flinch. See?

Laziest dog IN THE WORLD.

Inning over. But that homer will replay in my head all night.


A new Facebook status: “THAT, ladies and gents, is why they call him the Captain.”


Jeff, the WORLD saw that. And, most importantly, I’m sure Posada and Jeter saw that. They can weep. Looks like Tek isn’t joining their old-irrelevant-fogeys club anytime soon.


One down.

“You’ve seen him around but not on the mound.” Don can rhyme.

Right field. Reddick. TWO DOWN.

One more.

I am a total believer in the well-timed pep talk, Jeb.

Strike two! Strike two!

I’m glad you kids don’t know each other in real life. I think the chemistry would be electric. Jeb’s got some moves.

STRIKE OUT! Red Sox win! Lovely.

Thanks for sharing this with me, kiddies. Love to you all.


KEVIN YOUKILIS GETS BACK TO BOSTON TOMORROW!!!!! FDA, could you hang a sign or something? Thanks.

Categories: Drunken Live Blogging

That time we stranded sixteen and it sucked. But at least Joe Girardi got axed.

August 30, 2011 4 comments

Yes. So. I have caught bits and pieces. I caught the fifth inning. I caught the sixth inning. I was heavily entertained by the seventh inning. And I am catching the eighth inning.

I SAW IT ALL, John Lackey.


Don’t think I didn’t.

Don’t think I didn’t see that slothtastic defense to Balloo.


This is a painful. Painful. Screechtastic game.

Bad day. And John Lackey. Bad day. And John Lackey. And… Gardner gets there.


And Adrian Gonzalez- I saw you force a Pedroia catch. A Pedroia catch that meant a single. I saw that.


I will be live blogging tomorrow. Best believe. ONLY night off. ONLY opportunity to see a Red Sox game.

Best believe I will be on here. Watching your whole excruciating mess, A-Gonz. What happened to you?

“Adrian Gonzalez, only member of the Red Sox not to have a hit tonight.”

Thanks, announcer Jackass.

What the frick.

What the frick?????


On a happy note, Papi, I sure am glad to see you.

Grandersnot, not so much.


As for the seventh inning, sadly, that was the only part of the game to make me smile. Ahhhhhh… the sound of an evening bench clearing…

Watched that part with a coworker. A coworker who is a nonbaseballist. If it had been a real Stank fight, I bet he would have been entertained.

Rally noises. I don’t like this.

8th inning over. 9th. Blah.

I saw the scariest movie I have ever seen yesterday. It was called Frozen. Don’t watch it if you are afraid of being cold.

I also saw “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are undead” which was delightful.

You know what is NOT delightful? This fricking game.




Alfredo Aceves. The “new” pitcher? Really, announcer? New?

Alfredo is an old Red Sox soul. I mean, I hated him for like seven minutes that one time, but we have since reunited in a storm of passionate mushiness. Jimmy Fund guy. Okay. You’re a golfer. Okay. Interesting thirty second flashback, guys.

Derek Jeter. He is old. You should be able to waste him, Aceves.

Pedroia picks it and throws out Jeter.

Yeah. But Jeter is like baseball undead. So that doesn’t count.

Got to step it up, kiddies.

Especially if we are going to happy rally it.

We are going to happy rally it, right? 2 down in the 9th. Curtis Grandersnot at the bat. He reminds me of the guy from Psych. Except evil.

Fly ball… which we shall catch… YES. Thank you, Crawford. And thank YOU, Aceves. Lackey, are you watching? I’m sure Aceves will stay after class and show you in great detail HOW TO WIN A BASEBALL GAME. Damn.


Hi, boys. This- this is what is called your LAST FRICKING CHANCE. As in LAST. You know. Until tomorrow. So, um… let’s um…

14 men were left on base. FOURTEEN. Let’s just repeat that figure again. FOURTEEN. You stranded FOURTEEN MEN. That is almost double the amount of BASES.

Boys. Boys. Boys.

Ortiz takes strike one. Oh, he took it. On purpose, I’m sure.

One and one.

Okay. Attaboy. Glare. Do the Ortiz glare. On the ground at first- fair ball! “Swisher couldn’t get to the ball that quickly.”

Okay. I’m not arguing. But if I were a Stank fan, I would be out of my chair. You can’t outrun Ortiz? I love you for that, Nick Swisher. You know, for the comedy it injects into my life.

Jed Lowrie. Oh. It’s you.

I love telethons.

No, really. I am not even being sarcastic. I LOVE them. And I am a huge fan of all things

David Ortiz is on second. I just think that’s so fricking swell.

Jed Lowrie. Do your job. Strike three. REALLY????? Umpire? Angel Hernandez, is that you? Because that call stinks of failure. I am not a Lowrie fan, but that call was the ultimate in poo.

Pootastic, even. LIKE THIS WHOLE GAME.

Okay. Crawford. My new friend. Hi.

“Let’s do this,” enthusiastic fan screams.

Okay. Okay.

WHAT???? Strike? Okay. There’s something wrong with the umpires. AGAIN. In and up. 2 and 2. Yeah. Can’t even fake that, can you, Ump?

Chump rhymes with ump.

Gets a piece to stay alive.

Yes. Stay alive. Like the John Travolta movie.

I think it’s John Travolta. I don’t really dig John Travolta.

Pop up. Caught by Methusalah. Um. I mean Derek Jeter.

Um. Um. Saltalamacchia.

Rolling Rock is NOT my favorite beer.

Saltalamacchia GETS HIT????

Poooooor baby. Painful. The trainer is hugging him right now. My heart hurts.

Anddddddd Girardi gets hurt!!!!!!!

Complaining that Salty swung at that pitch?

That pitch that NAILED HIM LIKE A NUKE????

I love the crowd tonight.

Salty at first. Joe Girardi out.

Let me repeat that. Salty at first. Joe Girardi out.

Maybe the ump’s not so bad.


Reddick. Allllllll up to you buddy.

If you got a home run, we would be tied. But no pressure.

Gardner catches.

Game ends.


That means 16 men left on base. SIXTEEEEEEEEEEEN.


Joe Girardi axed.


But 16 stranded????

Now Stanks are a half game behind.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Live bloggin’ it up. Come hang out with me tomorrow night.



Categories: Drunken Live Blogging

I’m not the only one having a bad day.

August 26, 2011 2 comments

Poor Derek Jeter.

Reports are circulating that actress Minka Kelly and Yankees star Derek Jeter have broken up.

Hah. Ha-ha.

Thanks, Jeb, for being the only person who has been able to make me laugh today.


Categories: Uncategorized

Soxy support.

August 26, 2011 1 comment

Words of encouragement needed. Today=hellastress.
That’s right. It’s worthy of a new word: hellastress.
Defined in the Soxy dictionary with a big picture of ME TODAY.
The photo kind of looks like this:

Except with better hair.
But we won yesterday (thanks, guys), so, there’s that.
So If I just take a deep breath I’ll…

The recent talk around the baseball world has been about whether the Chicago Cubs would consider targeting Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein as the person to rejuvenate the Cubs’ organization if the GM position became available.


You are kidding me, right, Theo? This is all a bigggggg joke. You wouldn’t drop John Lackey off on our fricking doorstep and then jaunt to the big C… no. NO. No. You wouldn’t do that to me. No..

“Theo is one of the elite GMs in baseball, and he’s proven that year after year by piecing things together when we get hurt or whatever,” Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett said. “Why wouldn’t Theo want to make his life better by being one of the best GMs in baseball? I hope he doesn’t leave, but if he does, I’ll understand. He’s done a great job since I’ve been here.”

Josh, love, my darling, SHUT YOUR FACE.

Oh, whyohwhyohwhy did THAT have to come up on my Google search?

It’s okay. Breeeaaaathhheeee, Lauren. Breatthhheeeee.

Let’s read this stress free article about amazing AL offense, shall we?


The Yankees’ 22 runs were the most scored by any team this season. The Bronx Bombers now have four of the seven-highest tallies posted by a single team this year, all of them coming in the last six weeks, and two of them coming against the A’s, a team that ranks among the league leaders in run prevention this year.

Frick-double-frick, guys.

A double header Saturday. Hah. Well, that’s only fair. I have two shows Saturday.

And the Sox about to expand their minor leaguer additions on the roster…

Okay. I need to say good bye internet.

I’m like stress bubblewrap. But it’s more like bubblewrap if it were dominoed. You know, like a row of mousetraps? Where one goes and they all just start pop-pop-popping and no one’s toes are safe? It’s like that. But bubblewrap. And brains.


Youkie tossed a ball! Youkie tossed a ball!
We’re saved!

More than ‘just a friend,’ Youkie’s a ROCKSTAR

August 25, 2011 8 comments

A rockstar… at least in a new commercial premiering tomorrow.

This, of course, applies to you.

I, as Youkilis’ soulmate, am much, much, much more than just a friend.

Oh goody. Something else to compete with baseball.

August 24, 2011 3 comments

As if trying to get a bar to play baseball in a non-baseball state wasn’t hard enough…

A growing trend has bars playing video games. Video games, mind you, that patrons aren’t even participating in. Video games, mind you, that are directly competing with MY RED SOX.

Beyond watching sports on TV in bars, the new trend of watching pros play video games is now catching on in bars around the world.

Thanks, America.

Reason number 5,865 you need to hire me at your Boston-based newspaper.


An opportunity to do Lauren a favor- in REAL life!

August 24, 2011 3 comments

Know anyone in Gloucester? How about North Andover? Derry, New Hampshire? Any connections at all? E-mail me,

Um. Go Sox!


Categories: Uncategorized