It is 9:22. And I just got off a 15 hour day. And I have another one tomorrow. This means there’s no way I can humor California long enough to watch a game that starts at 10:05. I just don’t have it in my to watch John Lackey crumble under-
(inserting the optimism)
I’m sure they will do just fine without me!
Yeah. I’m kind of afraid I’m not going to be able to sleep.
Hi. Hope your commute was spiffy. Hope you found your uniform all nice and pressed in the locker room.
So.. um… Let’s talk about the other day.
We both said some things we… um… didn’t mean.
I said you sucked. And… um… I’m… I’m sorry.
You don’t suck. Not… um… really.
You certainly don’t suck the life out of every game with your total and complete suckage.
You certainly don’t completely ruin sunny days with your blatantly protruding lower lip and poor, poor pitch execution. You certainly don’t remind me of that ogre character from the Goonies. What was his name again? Sloth. That’s right. You certainly don’t remind me of him.
And I certainly didn’t mean what I said about you riding a clowncar on a highway of broken dreams.
I’m not really good at apologies. So I’d like to defer to John Cleese for this one.
So… um… we’re cool, right? I can… I can wake up in the morning, and we’ll be okay, you and I? You won’t completely and totally screw this up?
Because there’s this streak, see. And it’s not just any streak. It’s a hot streak.
And… um… it means a lot to me John.
You do this for me… if you do this one thing for me… I’ll… I’ll… forgive you, John. I’ll let the past stay in the past. And we can finally move on. You and me. I’ll try to open my heart to love again.
PS- Please don’t suck.
PSS- Frank, the anti-baseball fan but Goonies expert, contributed to this report.
First inning. Oh god. It’s starting. 1-0 A’s. I can’t watch this… I can’t…
turning off my computer. NOW. 10:24 p.m.
11:10. Just a small peak. Just one… god knows what I will find…
Whatttt???? Top of the 5th? stil 0-1? Not what I was expecting. I was expecting to see a different pitcher and a score like 11-1, A’s.
Hmmm… Curiouser and curiouser… I have to sleep now.
I’m too confuzzled to sleep…
Going to sleep.
Hmmm… strike out for Crawford. Well… the universe isn’t entirely out of balance. Really going to sleep now. 11:13.
John Lackey! Damnit! We talked about this! Walk no one!
Crap. No, I am really going to sleep now. Really-really. For a second I thought… but then… sigh… 11:20. Two on base. Cliff batting. Coco on deck (I still want him to have his own cereal). Sigh.
Okay, Young. It’s time to pull him in. Okay? If you let him load the fricking bases with walks, I’m going to KNOW you’re a double agent. 11:22.
Three outs. Awesome. Okay. I see what you were doing there, Lackey. You were testing me. Maybe getting even for the little dig about Sloth (like you haven’t heard that before). I get it. Haha. Very funny. You’ve had your laughs.
(Young, time to bring in Bard. Please do NOT bring in Bobby Jenks. I mean it, Young. If I wake up and find out Bobby Jenks has screwed this up for everyone, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll… um… I’ll write you a nasty letter)
11:25. going to bed.
Crap. Salty! Didn’t I read an article today about how you were getting your groove back? Like Stella? Out. Crap.
Okay, offense. Time to step it up. Pick up the Slackey. <- get it? I am hilarious.
Damnit Coco! It kind of feels good to say that. But DAMNIT COCO!
And McD’s out. Up to you, Jeddy boy. And don’t. Get. Injured.
Let him walk you buddy… just let him walk you… we’ll walk to home if we have to, you and I…
And… John Lackey’s back…. um… great…
I see it. I am like that woman in Troy. You know, the woman who saw the walls fall in a vision and no one believed her? I see Lackey falling in this fricking inning. Come on, Young. It’s time.
Cassandra! That’s her name. I’m like the Red Sox’ Cassandra.
One out. Good… DeJesus. I like your name. Your fans must have fun swearing.
Crap. Ball. Ball.
Crap. I wish I wasn’t so awesomely prophetic.
And it’s a single. Flipping fantastic. It’s because Jesus is in his name.
Okay. Two outs. Okay… Calming. Breathing. At one with the sofa.
Matsui?! Where did you come from? Yikes! I forgot they sent you to California! Matsui scares the DeJesus out of me. Really. He has that scary pockmarked pirate thing going on. If you don’t believe me, watch old school Swiss Family Robinson. I swear he’s a pirate in that movie. Oh no. If I go to sleep now I’m going to have a Matsui nightmare. He’ll be coming up the hill with a cutlass, trying to kill me and my family because we’re on “his” island. And there will be zebras and ostriches and a pit with a tiger.
DeJesus, that was close. Stressfullllllllll. 11:38. Why am I not asleep?!
Damn. Coco just took out Pedroia. Do you remember when Coco sucked? And we’d do the “Coco” fist shake, followed by the “Lugo” fist shake? Those were the days… 11:41.
Thanks for that, Brett Anderson. Gonz is tearing it up. Well, he’s on a base.
Crap. Never mind.
Why is John Lackey’s picture still up? Why is he still… risky, Tito… risky…
Top of the 7th. I smell a Paps 9th.
Okay, guys. Get. It. The Frick TOGETHER. Comprende? <- Gonz, translate for everyone else.
Really, kids. If JOHN FRICKING SLACKEY can pull his FRICKING weight around here, well then, DeJesus! There’s no reason why you can’t step it up a notch. Especially you, Crawford. Weren’t you listening to Kurt Russell in the Miracle? This is YOUR time. Their time is DONE.
I have that “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” in my head. “diddledeedee”
I am going to bed.
Dan Wheeler! Fresh from the cinema, no doubt. Here to redeem himself for so many sins.
And… I actually kind of maybe mean that John Cleese apology from earlier, Lackey. You didn’t totally suck. But you threw a lot of balls. And you stressed me out.
I don’t know if Lackey should pitch late games. He. Is. Stressful.
But… um… I guess we’re cool now. Maybe. And… um… I guess… I won’t call you Sloth anymore…
Yeah, baby! Go Wheeler, Go!
Strike out! Nice one, Wheeler.
See that, K-Youk? Rally the troops. We’ve got ourselves a game, kiddies!
Bed. Really. Tell me what happens. Wake me up if Pap dances, k? 11:50 p.m.
Okay. Really. 11:52.
Come on guys, finish it. Two runs. Give me two runs. Or three. Or you know. Whatever.
It’s like midnight. I am going to turn into a pumpkin. Or something. I’m really tired, guys. Play faster.
Okay, Crawford. Life is full of moments. This is yours. Take it.
BTW- What’s with the ump calls tonight? Bad A’s umps! Baaaaaad.
I’m awake! What just happened? I blinked for a second and… a hit? Crawford? A hit?
DeJesus, Crawford! I’m sorry I missed your moment.
Hey, Salty, don’t screw it up.
Okay. This sounds ridiculous since we’ve literally got like an inning to go… but I’m passing out. Can’t… do… this… any more…
Someone keep an eye on the game for me, k? Make sure they win? Thanks. And blow a few kisses at K-Youk. He likes it when I do that.
Holy crap, Salty’s on a base.
No pressure, McD- but if you’d just homer…
No pressure… except all the pressure of a HOT STREAK…
Old McDonald had a farm. Eeeeiiiiiiieeeeeiiiiiiioooooooo.
Come on, McD! What noise does a winner make?
I don’t know if it’s this confusing weird ass game… or just my long, long, long super long day… but I can’t move. I see my hallway… I can mentally count the steps between here and my bed… yet here I sit…
12:13 Hi, Danny Boy.
Crap. A double.
See, if I were asleep, I wouldn’t have had to watch that. You’re lucky you got out when you did, FireDannyAinge. Do you have a real name?
Coco. Your hair is… um….
Your cereal would be a lot like that Sugar Bear cereal. Do you remember that? I can’t remember what it was called. Sugar crisps? Something like that? But it would have coco powder and more sugar. Because it would be called Coco Crisps. Let’s face it, Coco. It’s the only way you’re going to get on a cereal box. I don’t see Wheaties putting the moves on you.
Okajima. Hi. My blurry eyes just recognized you. I hope you’re better. Are you better? 12:18.
I do NOT like where this is going, Oky. Fix it. Fix it now.
My head hurts. Did you do this, Coco? That’s right. Sit down and think about what you’ve done. And think about that cereal idea. It’s golden.
Oh no. 2-0. Oh no.
K-Youk, I hope you’ve got everyone pumped in the dugout. Because it’s time for the oldschool ass kicking rally.
Pedroia- prep the camp songs!
If we can make it there alive… OKAJIMA, STRIKE HIM THE FRICK OUT ALREADY.
Runnin’ just as fast as we can…
Oky, let’s move it along, okay, homeslice?
OKY! I didn’t mean walk him. Frick double frick.
Another Cassandra moment. This could get bad ugly.
Speaking of ugly, you cannot tell me that Matsui isn’t terrifying. I am terrified.
Okay. Here’s what I’m going to do. I am going to sleep. That way, I have something to look forward to in the am, see, the rally we’re going to have in the 9th. Right, Youkie-Bear?
After the day I’ve had with the amount of sleep I’ve been getting… I can’t handle a 9th inning that doesn’t include a rally… so… on the off chance the streak ends tonight… I won’t have to be there for the painful details… Okay. Really doing it…
Hey, Youk… Don’t let me down… <- to the tune of “Hey Jude.” It’s this thing we do, Youkie and I…
Love to the nation. I can’t take this anymore.