Johnny Damon loves my blog. Why else would he keep saying things just for me?

“They really wanted me up there for the eight-year anniversary,” Damon said. “I was like, ‘Eight years sounds weird. If I can play, suit me up. I’m still in shape. I’ll be there.’ ”

Sure, Johnny.

When…

And President Ross Perot leads a parade of…

Down an interstate made of…

While Joba Chamberlain and Kevin Youkilis exchange best-friends-forever bracelets and Bobby Valentine skips by in a Santa hat wearing seventeen of these on his fingers…

And we all breathe on rainbows instead of oxygen…

Then yes. That will totally happen.

Thanks for the laugh, Johnny boy. I sure hope I get cable by the time you’re on Celebrity Rehab. Because that’s something I want to see live.

What do you think rainbows taste like?

~L

Mannywood. Oh. My. God. It’s real.

You guys know how much I LOVE to make fun of egotistical fan sites, right? I found the best one today. THE BEST ONE. The site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as the farmer in Babe. A site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as dryer lint, really. A site that makes… well… why don’t you just SEE FOR YOURSELF.

Just when you thought it was safe to refresh your browser… THERE IS A VIDEO. A VIDEO, Soxies. With AMERICAN FLAGS.

So, I found THIS while looking to see if the juice king himself was really taking another shot at the ALE (he is, by the way, the ORIOLES, but that’s not nearly as laughable as that opening video).

It’s like the universe is wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously. There’s so much to make fun of! There’s the intro, obviously. The bio. The fact that his middle name is Aristides. The fact that he’s called a “fixture,” a star, a hitter… but not a juicer? Oh! And it says he’s a Dodger (way to update, Juiceter)- but makes NO MENTION OF HIS RED SOX TENURE! How interesting, because when I talk about the Red Sox, I make no mention of you, Juicy Juicerez.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And there are photos! There’s a whole clicky button for photos (they leave out this one, though). And a section for Kids! Where you can play him (yeah, you’ll see his name enough on the website. I don’t have to type it on this blog) battling aliens! It’s like you’re throwing baseballs at aliens, but to make it more fun, do what I did and imagine it’s a syringe. There are even T-SHIRTS. I would LOVE to meet someone who actually buys these T-Shirts.

AND- just when you think the website can’t get ANY BETTER- oh, it does. It does.

There’s a FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS page! Strange, though, in between his favorite cartoon (Anime? Really?) and favorite movie (the Matrix, by the way), there’s nothing in FAQ about his favorite steroid. Or his favorite place to inject. Or even his favorite mug shot!!!! I kind of feel cheated, you know? Manny, you know a lot about cheating…

So, as my me-Birthday gift to you, I leave you this amazing gem to make fun of. May it bring you as much joy as it did to me. And, of course, alien-hating children everywhere.

~L

What a GREAT day. Thanks, Juice King. Thanks.

Seriously. It can’t possibly be REAL, can it? Can it?

PS- Just when I thought it couldn’t get funnier… CLICK HERE. Just do it.

Jose Canseco holds sign: “Will play for photo-ops.” Sox try to keep a straight face.

Jose Canseco… um… Jose Canseco. Sorry. I’m struggling with how to type this and not sound sarcastic. Ahem. Okay.

Jose Canseco is making a comeback.

Inside Jose Canseco’s head.

“I’m trying my hardest and damndest,” Canseco said Tuesday in a phone interview with this newspaper. “I can’t get anybody to give me a chance. I saw the movie “Moneyball”, and I was amazed at what Billy [Beane] had to go through. I guess if you love something … that movie really got my juices flowing. I love baseball, people don’t know that about me. I miss it so much.”

It is like he KNOWS it’s a slow blog day.

“I’m 47, so my legs are not going to be what they were, but my bat speed and hands are still the same,” he said. “I can’t believe how fast (they are). I’m shocked how I haven’t lost a beat there.”

See. I could mount a wit attack here. But I think this story speaks for itself.

“Fenway 350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats. I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout.

The funny thing is that Canseco’s numbers are wrong. He’s a career .312 hitter at Fenway Park, and only averaged one home run per 13 at bats.

Really? THAT is the funny thing?

You best believe I’m a new Twitter fan. With quotes like this:

In case you can’t read that- it says:

“I guess murderers and child molesters get more chances than I do.”

Awesome.

See, I am not a fan of the juicing. We know this. We’ve all heard my juice rants.

But you know what I AM a fan of?

Comedy.

Buster Keatonesque, physical, slapstick comedy.

So I say, on behalf of myself and all comedy aficionados,

PLEASE LET HIM TRY OUT.

And televise it.

I mean, that’s comic gold. I can’t believe no one has thought of this before…

Oh wait.

Please, Bobby C? PLEASE??????? Can I order an advance dvd? Thanks.

~L

Seriously. How can you turn down the chance to share THIS with America?

Curt Schilling talks too much for HOF. Pedro doesn’t talk ENOUGH. Oh. And some jackass likes Johnny Damon.

Bah. Day fifteen bazillion of crutches. Let’s call today the WORST day. I am at a meeting right now. It is HORRRRRRIBLE.

It’s so horrible that I am sitting here looking at Red Sox news. Okay. So I do that on the occasional not-horrible meeting. Whatev. Can we just be in agreement that my time would be better served blowing on cement to help it dry quicker?

—

In today’s news, people are already talking 2013 HOF ballot– a ballot that could have juice king Roger Clemens. It could also have Curt Schilling.

In complete opposition to my headline (I’m still mad at Curt for certain September comments), anytime a Soxy makes the HOF I’m excited. So, go Curt. What are your thoughts? Curt a HOF contender? Or should he first master the quiet game?

—-

In other news- better news- much, much, much better news- PEDRO MARTINEZ WAS ON THE RADIO TODAY! The gods themselves rejoiced.

AND- he talked about… VERLANDER’S MVP. I LOVE you, Pedro.

“I was kind of pissed off at first [when Verlander won the MVP], but then I went to realize that they are the [voters] are going to have to live with that label on their back. If anyone calls them prejudice or racist for not voting for me, everyone will have to understand that it’s their responsibility for not voting for me at that time,” said Martinez. “I feel kind of bad, but at the same time, I was really happy that the pitchers who really deserved it like Justin finally got the monkey off their backs, that a pitcher can have such an impact on his team that he probably deserves the MVP sometimes. It has to be an exception, like the year I had in ’99, the year that [Dennis] Eckersley and those guys that won it, Roger [Clemens], had the impact that they had on the team. Justin Verlander was one who really had an impact on the success of the team. I really believe that the most important person they had on their whole team was Justin Verlander. That’s what makes you an MVP.”

Pedro. You are so classy. Would you like Ben Cherington’s job?

Or… um… you know… a spot on a rotation… say…. OURS?

I was never approached by the Red Sox. I actually thought about maybe going back and trying to do something. I knew that they needed someone. But I have a hard time leaving the lifestyle that I’ve chosen now. Leaving the family wasn’t going to be easy. Even if it was the Red Sox, I was going to have a hard time leaving my family.

But… but… but… WE are your family, Pedro! WE ARE.

My favorite comment Pedro made came from a discussion on steroids-

…when I was in Triple-A, I was told that I was too small, that I was too fragile to pitch in the big leagues in the Dodgers organization. Back then, I felt tempted. One of my teammates said, ‘I have a doctor, if you want to go and get a shot and get whatever and get big…’ He never gave me details. I asked him what would happen. How would that work? He specifically said that there are certain areas of a man that will get damaged. As soon as he said that, I said, ‘No. There’s no way that I will go for that.’

I love you, Pedro. Like, love you-love you. Like, on the Yes, No or Maybe boxes- you’d be a YES. Every. Single. Time.

—-

In less lovable news, some jackass named Sid thinks we should re-sign Johnny Damon. I’d rather eat this table.

Some jackass named Nick thinks it’s a great idea:

It would be awesome to have Johnny Damon on this team. Precisely the personality they need in the clubhouse to lead as he did in 2004. But I’m afraid he has no arm and he’s a lefthanded hitter.

I bolded the parts that made me snort. Audibly. In this meeting.

Feel free to be as sarcastic as possible in the comments.

~L

The Bleacher Report AGREES with me on something. And I think Ryan Braun might have leprosy.

The Bleacher Report agrees with me on something.

And that something IS… RYAN BRAUN!!!!

If he is indeed innocent and did not take performance-enhancing drugs, he needs to do everything he can to clear his name.

If it’s leprosy, you can just TELL us, Ryan.

Bud Selig would MUCHHHHH rather you have leprosy than juice in your veins.

Leprosy is nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of famous people have leprosy! Like Nicholas Cage.

My advice? (BR’s too) As I have said on this blog at LEAST twice now, Ryan- it’s to un-privatize that “private medical issue.”

Really, Ryan. No one cares if you have leprosy. Or. Whatever. Well, your random hookups might. But I bet you and Derek Jeter could hang out and make gift baskets as an apology. Jeter’d just appreciate a friend. So would Minka. Think of all the happy times you could have together. Make a sleepover out of it! Play “never have I ever” with jello shots!  “Never have I ever juiced…”

See, it’s not just about you, Ryan. It’s about the Brewers. And MLB. And little kids with chewing gum and Ryan Braun trapper keepers (do you think they HAVE Ryan Braun trapper keepers? I want a Kevin Youkilis trapper keeper. Can someone get on that?). When you bring steroids into the mix- it’s about more than your career.

So, how’s about setting a few rumors straight?

Doesn’t look like you have a lot of time.

~L

Seriously? Nicholas Cage does NOT have leprosy? What’s leprosy again?

Oh. OH! Ew.

Manny Ramirez might be a bird. Which makes sense. Because he likes to squack.

Manny Ramirez, aka: the She-Juicer, found a few suckers to watch him play baseball– the Blue Jays and the Orioles.

Buck Showalter, I expected this from you… But Danny Duquette?

AND JOHN FARRELL????

Really?

Canada, I thought you were a better country than that.

Duquette! I thought you had better taste.

AND JOHN FARRELL?????? I called you brilliant, like, a month ago, in a blog post. I did. Remember how I wanted YOU and not Bobby V?

Well, now that I have this keen perspective on life (thanks, JOHN), I like Bobby V even more…

I’d like to know how my bird friends feel about this.

“Manny’s an interesting guy,” Duquette said. “He’s interesting to the fans. And he can hit. Or he could hit. I don’t know if he still can.”

As the Red Sox’s general manager, Duquette signed Ramirez in 2000 and has always liked Ramirez as a hitter.

“He wants another opportunity,” Duquette said. “He’s trying hard to get one.”

Why don’t you just fill the syringe for him, Danny?

INTERESTING? So is Roger Clemmons.

The part of this article I find INTERESTING? The fact that Manny is turning 40. Did you know that?

Duquette wouldn’t confirm anything to MASN–

“People have been trying to link us to Ramirez because I signed him in Boston, ” Duquette said, “and they’ve been doing that ever since he said that he wanted to play ball again.”

Well, better you guys than us.

He may snake his way into a bird stadium… but at least he’ll stay out of Cooperstown.

Despite the talent he flashed as a youngster, the two failed drug tests — in 2009 with the Dodgers and 2011 with the Rays — have stained his legacy forever.

And the drug tests are just part of my anti-Mannyness.

After savoring success, he succumbed to laziness. He became a lackluster defender in the outfield. He couldn’t keep track of his “injured” knees and milked the attention. He strolled down to first base as opposed to hustling on ground balls.

Imagine if Ramirez had the work ethic to complement his talent. He could have been destined to reign atop the all-time home run list and would have shattered many more records than he currently holds.

—-

As far as our boys in Boston? Apparently, we’re looking at outfielders.

And Bobby Valentine is keeping busy.

—–

As for me…

Day three of crippledom.

Today my mother came to visit. She took me shopping.

We got a wheelchair at the mall and she wheeled me around for an hour.

It. Was. Weird.

But I got ice cream. So there’s that.

~L

Manny being Manny and hijacking your headlines

In the first flat out rejection of my New Year’s predictions, Manny Ramirez once again elbows his way toward press attention.

Manny Ramirez plans to work out for teams later this month in an effort to return to the major leagues, a source told ESPN The Magazine’s Buster Olney.

Just when you thought it was safe to return to your Google news alerts…

He’s baaaack…

And coming to a ballpark near you…

Seriously? I have rolled my eyes about this since the She-Juicer first tried to re-relevant himself in December.

100 games reduced to a 50 game suspension is still… well, a 50 game suspension. And then there’s the “retirement.” Oh, and the attitude. Let’s focus on the attitude.

“Every day that goes by I regret the decisions (NOTE HOW PLURAL THIS IS) I made by following bad advice (FROM WHO? BE SPECIFIC),” Ramirez said. “We are human (SANS JUICE), we make mistakes (PLURAL!), we are not perfect. Everybody deserves a chance to show he has changed.”

It’s my understanding you got that chance, Manny. But sure. Okay. Let me help you out. I’ll play Bob Barker to your prize package, k?

Attention, MLB teams. For the low-low-low price of your dignity, 50 games and undisclosed amount of… um… juice… the following prize package could be YOURS! Would models make this more interesting? I think models would make this more interesting.

1. Smelly dreadlocks that go unwashed for luck. And a dirty helmet. Oh. And a smirk.

2. The constant repetition of “Manny being Manny,” because if you don’t say it, the realization that “Manny being Manny” is really “Manny being a jackass” is too irritating to bear.

3. A bad attitude.

4. Infamy.

5. Mysterious and phantom injuries! ooooooooh. Scary!

6. Juice!

Really, America?

Feel free to post other selling points in the comments.

He’s holding a workout for “interested teams.”

Ramirez’s last full season was 2010 and he hit .298 with 19 homers and a .949 OPS in 104 games for the Dodgers and White Sox. Under normal circumstances that would be enough to make him worth a low-cost flier, even at age 40, but because it’s Ramirez the over/under for teams attending his workout is probably around 2.5 (depending on how many scouts in the area are curious and/or bored that day).

INTERESTED TEAMS?

The Bleacher Report sums this up nicely:

We often need to separate the difference between what should happen and what will happen. Manny Ramirez should never face another pitch in Major League Baseball. But none of that means that he won’t ever see another pitch. Someone will bring him in.

Ben Cherington, this is one I’d appreciate you missing. Thanks.

~L

Your daily injection! Braun’s still not talking about his syph-um… private medical issue. Oh. And Minka gets another gift basket.

Ryan Braun, stalked by TMZ AGAIN today… once AGAIN offers no explanation for his PED test…

See, as I reported last week, I could totally buy the “private medical issue” excuse- provided you give us a little more of an explanation.

I mean, if someone accuses me of something horrible and immoral… like… um… puppy murder. Or homeless sleeping bag stealing. Or, you know, steroids… I fess up my alibi. Even if my alibi is something less than Lauren-y. Like. Um. A Gossip Girl marathon over ice cream and regret. I mean, embarrassing is better than puppy murder or steroids, right?

Ryan Braun… is it syphilis? You can tell us. Christopher Columbus had that, you know. It’s Hep C, isn’t it? Leprosy?

We all know my opinion on the ‘roid issue. For new readers- I say exactly what David Ortiz has said-

“Ban ’em for the whole year.”

Except I add a “forever.”

Give us SOMETHING, Ryan Braun. Apparently, there are people that look up to you. An excuse. Any excuse, really, would be better than the flaky attitude you’ve been flicking at us. There might be an explanation.

When Ortiz was accused (Jay, take note) he had ALREADY fessed up to an energy shake that he was unsure of.  Pre-emptively in 2007:

“I tell you, I don’t know too much about steroids, but I started listening about steroids when they started to bring that shit up, and I started realizing and getting to know a little bit about it. You’ve got to be careful. I used to buy a protein shake in my country. I don’t do that any more because they don’t have the approval for that here, so I know that, so I’m off of buying things at the GNC back in the Dominican (Republic). But it can happen anytime, it can happen. I don’t know. I don’t know if I drank something in my youth, not knowing it.”

You could say SOMETHING, Ryan Braun. Celebrities don’t get privacy, see. But you do get millions of dollars, hence the me-not-feeling-sorry-for-you.

Oh, Braun… that’s not a shadow following you around…

That’s an asterisk.

—-

In other ridiculous roidy news- Alex Rodriguez is OFF THE MARKET.

Thank GOD, the market says. Until the market examines the catch. That catch is Torrie Wilson who, judging from the pictures, may share A-Roid’s juicing hobby. I don’t see this working out. I mean, what if they BOTH see a reflective surface? Staring at that window pane could waste a whole day, guys. Alex, it is such a newsy week for you.

Does anyone else think that A-Roid’s hookups will be a reality show some day?

—-

And, to round out today’s irrelevant gossip, the gift baskets must have gotten expensive… because Derek Jeter is back with Minka Kelly. Let’s all take a deep breath and pretend to care.

There. Now, don’t we all feel dumber?

You’re welcome, America.

~L

PS- Speaking of steroids- interesting position on Jeff Bagwell- read it HERE.

The special relationship between A-Roid and Kobe

Kobe Bryant apparently has more free time than recent reports would have you believe.

When he’s not “conquesting,” he’s hitting the books.

Really?

Yes, really. You know all those experimental “procedures” A-roid is getting so his robotic body will keep a charge?

Kobe’s got his back, studying and researching his procedures. After all, he’s the guy who turned him on to the German facility… So, don’t worry your bloated little heads, skanks. Alex Rodriguez will back back and ready for more juice (maybe they’re installing a pump!) before you know it.

Oh, and Kobe’s more than beef, FYI. He’s a Yankees fan. I guess the Lakers jersey should have given it away…

~L

 

 

‘A private medical issue’- Like privately pumping up your biceps, Ryan Braun?

Poor Ryan Braun. Getting asterix jokes when allllllll he’s trying to do is take medication for a “private medical issue.”

I’m sorry, Ryan, but syphilis meds don’t show up on a juice test.

Was that mean?

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, Ryan. Let’s give you the benefit of the doubt.

Because that way, we can drag this out a bit.

I mean, if it were me, the medical issue wouldn’t be so “private.” I mean, I don’t think my name would look pretty next to a big, giant asterix. But, whatever, Ryan Braun. I’m sure it’s a perfectly normal, non-syphillis illness.

And I’m sure a big baseball star like you sooooooo can’t afford doctors that understand medicine and its impact on steroid testing.

And I’m sure that, if a full investigation finds you guilty of juicing, our judicial system will hold you fully accountable- with hefty consequences.

Oh… wait…

~L