Manny being Manny and hijacking your headlines

In the first flat out rejection of my New Year’s predictions, Manny Ramirez once again elbows his way toward press attention.

Manny Ramirez plans to work out for teams later this month in an effort to return to the major leagues, a source told ESPN The Magazine’s Buster Olney.

Just when you thought it was safe to return to your Google news alerts…

He’s baaaack…

And coming to a ballpark near you…

Seriously? I have rolled my eyes about this since the She-Juicer first tried to re-relevant himself in December.

100 games reduced to a 50 game suspension is still… well, a 50 game suspension. And then there’s the “retirement.” Oh, and the attitude. Let’s focus on the attitude.

“Every day that goes by I regret the decisions (NOTE HOW PLURAL THIS IS) I made by following bad advice (FROM WHO? BE SPECIFIC),” Ramirez said. “We are human (SANS JUICE), we make mistakes (PLURAL!), we are not perfect. Everybody deserves a chance to show he has changed.”

It’s my understanding you got that chance, Manny. But sure. Okay. Let me help you out. I’ll play Bob Barker to your prize package, k?

Attention, MLB teams. For the low-low-low price of your dignity, 50 games and undisclosed amount of… um… juice… the following prize package could be YOURS! Would models make this more interesting? I think models would make this more interesting.

1. Smelly dreadlocks that go unwashed for luck. And a dirty helmet. Oh. And a smirk.

2. The constant repetition of “Manny being Manny,” because if you don’t say it, the realization that “Manny being Manny” is really “Manny being a jackass” is too irritating to bear.

3. A bad attitude.

4. Infamy.

5. Mysterious and phantom injuries! ooooooooh. Scary!

6. Juice!

Really, America?

Feel free to post other selling points in the comments.

He’s holding a workout for “interested teams.”

Ramirez’s last full season was 2010 and he hit .298 with 19 homers and a .949 OPS in 104 games for the Dodgers and White Sox. Under normal circumstances that would be enough to make him worth a low-cost flier, even at age 40, but because it’s Ramirez the over/under for teams attending his workout is probably around 2.5 (depending on how many scouts in the area are curious and/or bored that day).

INTERESTED TEAMS?

The Bleacher Report sums this up nicely:

We often need to separate the difference between what should happen and what will happen. Manny Ramirez should never face another pitch in Major League Baseball. But none of that means that he won’t ever see another pitch. Someone will bring him in.

Ben Cherington, this is one I’d appreciate you missing. Thanks.

~L