Mannywood. Oh. My. God. It’s real.

You guys know how much I LOVE to make fun of egotistical fan sites, right? I found the best one today. THE BEST ONE. The site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as the farmer in Babe. A site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as dryer lint, really. A site that makes… well… why don’t you just SEE FOR YOURSELF.

Just when you thought it was safe to refresh your browser… THERE IS A VIDEO. A VIDEO, Soxies. With AMERICAN FLAGS.

So, I found THIS while looking to see if the juice king himself was really taking another shot at the ALE (he is, by the way, the ORIOLES, but that’s not nearly as laughable as that opening video).

It’s like the universe is wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously. There’s so much to make fun of! There’s the intro, obviously. The bio. The fact that his middle name is Aristides. The fact that he’s called a “fixture,” a star, a hitter… but not a juicer? Oh! And it says he’s a Dodger (way to update, Juiceter)- but makes NO MENTION OF HIS RED SOX TENURE! How interesting, because when I talk about the Red Sox, I make no mention of you, Juicy Juicerez.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And there are photos! There’s a whole clicky button for photos (they leave out this one, though). And a section for Kids! Where you can play him (yeah, you’ll see his name enough on the website. I don’t have to type it on this blog) battling aliens! It’s like you’re throwing baseballs at aliens, but to make it more fun, do what I did and imagine it’s a syringe. There are even T-SHIRTS. I would LOVE to meet someone who actually buys these T-Shirts.

AND- just when you think the website can’t get ANY BETTER- oh, it does. It does.

There’s a FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS page! Strange, though, in between his favorite cartoon (Anime? Really?) and favorite movie (the Matrix, by the way), there’s nothing in FAQ about his favorite steroid. Or his favorite place to inject. Or even his favorite mug shot!!!! I kind of feel cheated, you know? Manny, you know a lot about cheating…

So, as my me-Birthday gift to you, I leave you this amazing gem to make fun of. May it bring you as much joy as it did to me. And, of course, alien-hating children everywhere.

~L

What a GREAT day. Thanks, Juice King. Thanks.

Seriously. It can’t possibly be REAL, can it? Can it?

PS- Just when I thought it couldn’t get funnier… CLICK HERE. Just do it.

The Bleacher Report AGREES with me on something. And I think Ryan Braun might have leprosy.

The Bleacher Report agrees with me on something.

And that something IS… RYAN BRAUN!!!!

If he is indeed innocent and did not take performance-enhancing drugs, he needs to do everything he can to clear his name.

If it’s leprosy, you can just TELL us, Ryan.

Bud Selig would MUCHHHHH rather you have leprosy than juice in your veins.

Leprosy is nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of famous people have leprosy! Like Nicholas Cage.

My advice? (BR’s too) As I have said on this blog at LEAST twice now, Ryan- it’s to un-privatize that “private medical issue.”

Really, Ryan. No one cares if you have leprosy. Or. Whatever. Well, your random hookups might. But I bet you and Derek Jeter could hang out and make gift baskets as an apology. Jeter’d just appreciate a friend. So would Minka. Think of all the happy times you could have together. Make a sleepover out of it! Play “never have I ever” with jello shots!  “Never have I ever juiced…”

See, it’s not just about you, Ryan. It’s about the Brewers. And MLB. And little kids with chewing gum and Ryan Braun trapper keepers (do you think they HAVE Ryan Braun trapper keepers? I want a Kevin Youkilis trapper keeper. Can someone get on that?). When you bring steroids into the mix- it’s about more than your career.

So, how’s about setting a few rumors straight?

Doesn’t look like you have a lot of time.

~L

Seriously? Nicholas Cage does NOT have leprosy? What’s leprosy again?

Oh. OH! Ew.

Manny Ramirez might be a bird. Which makes sense. Because he likes to squack.

Manny Ramirez, aka: the She-Juicer, found a few suckers to watch him play baseball– the Blue Jays and the Orioles.

Buck Showalter, I expected this from you… But Danny Duquette?

AND JOHN FARRELL????

Really?

Canada, I thought you were a better country than that.

Duquette! I thought you had better taste.

AND JOHN FARRELL?????? I called you brilliant, like, a month ago, in a blog post. I did. Remember how I wanted YOU and not Bobby V?

Well, now that I have this keen perspective on life (thanks, JOHN), I like Bobby V even more…

I’d like to know how my bird friends feel about this.

“Manny’s an interesting guy,” Duquette said. “He’s interesting to the fans. And he can hit. Or he could hit. I don’t know if he still can.”

As the Red Sox’s general manager, Duquette signed Ramirez in 2000 and has always liked Ramirez as a hitter.

“He wants another opportunity,” Duquette said. “He’s trying hard to get one.”

Why don’t you just fill the syringe for him, Danny?

INTERESTING? So is Roger Clemmons.

The part of this article I find INTERESTING? The fact that Manny is turning 40. Did you know that?

Duquette wouldn’t confirm anything to MASN–

“People have been trying to link us to Ramirez because I signed him in Boston, ” Duquette said, “and they’ve been doing that ever since he said that he wanted to play ball again.”

Well, better you guys than us.

He may snake his way into a bird stadium… but at least he’ll stay out of Cooperstown.

Despite the talent he flashed as a youngster, the two failed drug tests — in 2009 with the Dodgers and 2011 with the Rays — have stained his legacy forever.

And the drug tests are just part of my anti-Mannyness.

After savoring success, he succumbed to laziness. He became a lackluster defender in the outfield. He couldn’t keep track of his “injured” knees and milked the attention. He strolled down to first base as opposed to hustling on ground balls.

Imagine if Ramirez had the work ethic to complement his talent. He could have been destined to reign atop the all-time home run list and would have shattered many more records than he currently holds.

—-

As far as our boys in Boston? Apparently, we’re looking at outfielders.

And Bobby Valentine is keeping busy.

—–

As for me…

Day three of crippledom.

Today my mother came to visit. She took me shopping.

We got a wheelchair at the mall and she wheeled me around for an hour.

It. Was. Weird.

But I got ice cream. So there’s that.

~L

Manny being Manny and hijacking your headlines

In the first flat out rejection of my New Year’s predictions, Manny Ramirez once again elbows his way toward press attention.

Manny Ramirez plans to work out for teams later this month in an effort to return to the major leagues, a source told ESPN The Magazine’s Buster Olney.

Just when you thought it was safe to return to your Google news alerts…

He’s baaaack…

And coming to a ballpark near you…

Seriously? I have rolled my eyes about this since the She-Juicer first tried to re-relevant himself in December.

100 games reduced to a 50 game suspension is still… well, a 50 game suspension. And then there’s the “retirement.” Oh, and the attitude. Let’s focus on the attitude.

“Every day that goes by I regret the decisions (NOTE HOW PLURAL THIS IS) I made by following bad advice (FROM WHO? BE SPECIFIC),” Ramirez said. “We are human (SANS JUICE), we make mistakes (PLURAL!), we are not perfect. Everybody deserves a chance to show he has changed.”

It’s my understanding you got that chance, Manny. But sure. Okay. Let me help you out. I’ll play Bob Barker to your prize package, k?

Attention, MLB teams. For the low-low-low price of your dignity, 50 games and undisclosed amount of… um… juice… the following prize package could be YOURS! Would models make this more interesting? I think models would make this more interesting.

1. Smelly dreadlocks that go unwashed for luck. And a dirty helmet. Oh. And a smirk.

2. The constant repetition of “Manny being Manny,” because if you don’t say it, the realization that “Manny being Manny” is really “Manny being a jackass” is too irritating to bear.

3. A bad attitude.

4. Infamy.

5. Mysterious and phantom injuries! ooooooooh. Scary!

6. Juice!

Really, America?

Feel free to post other selling points in the comments.

He’s holding a workout for “interested teams.”

Ramirez’s last full season was 2010 and he hit .298 with 19 homers and a .949 OPS in 104 games for the Dodgers and White Sox. Under normal circumstances that would be enough to make him worth a low-cost flier, even at age 40, but because it’s Ramirez the over/under for teams attending his workout is probably around 2.5 (depending on how many scouts in the area are curious and/or bored that day).

INTERESTED TEAMS?

The Bleacher Report sums this up nicely:

We often need to separate the difference between what should happen and what will happen. Manny Ramirez should never face another pitch in Major League Baseball. But none of that means that he won’t ever see another pitch. Someone will bring him in.

Ben Cherington, this is one I’d appreciate you missing. Thanks.

~L

Your daily injection! Braun’s still not talking about his syph-um… private medical issue. Oh. And Minka gets another gift basket.

Ryan Braun, stalked by TMZ AGAIN today… once AGAIN offers no explanation for his PED test…

See, as I reported last week, I could totally buy the “private medical issue” excuse- provided you give us a little more of an explanation.

I mean, if someone accuses me of something horrible and immoral… like… um… puppy murder. Or homeless sleeping bag stealing. Or, you know, steroids… I fess up my alibi. Even if my alibi is something less than Lauren-y. Like. Um. A Gossip Girl marathon over ice cream and regret. I mean, embarrassing is better than puppy murder or steroids, right?

Ryan Braun… is it syphilis? You can tell us. Christopher Columbus had that, you know. It’s Hep C, isn’t it? Leprosy?

We all know my opinion on the ‘roid issue. For new readers- I say exactly what David Ortiz has said-

“Ban ’em for the whole year.”

Except I add a “forever.”

Give us SOMETHING, Ryan Braun. Apparently, there are people that look up to you. An excuse. Any excuse, really, would be better than the flaky attitude you’ve been flicking at us. There might be an explanation.

When Ortiz was accused (Jay, take note) he had ALREADY fessed up to an energy shake that he was unsure of.  Pre-emptively in 2007:

“I tell you, I don’t know too much about steroids, but I started listening about steroids when they started to bring that shit up, and I started realizing and getting to know a little bit about it. You’ve got to be careful. I used to buy a protein shake in my country. I don’t do that any more because they don’t have the approval for that here, so I know that, so I’m off of buying things at the GNC back in the Dominican (Republic). But it can happen anytime, it can happen. I don’t know. I don’t know if I drank something in my youth, not knowing it.”

You could say SOMETHING, Ryan Braun. Celebrities don’t get privacy, see. But you do get millions of dollars, hence the me-not-feeling-sorry-for-you.

Oh, Braun… that’s not a shadow following you around…

That’s an asterisk.

—-

In other ridiculous roidy news- Alex Rodriguez is OFF THE MARKET.

Thank GOD, the market says. Until the market examines the catch. That catch is Torrie Wilson who, judging from the pictures, may share A-Roid’s juicing hobby. I don’t see this working out. I mean, what if they BOTH see a reflective surface? Staring at that window pane could waste a whole day, guys. Alex, it is such a newsy week for you.

Does anyone else think that A-Roid’s hookups will be a reality show some day?

—-

And, to round out today’s irrelevant gossip, the gift baskets must have gotten expensive… because Derek Jeter is back with Minka Kelly. Let’s all take a deep breath and pretend to care.

There. Now, don’t we all feel dumber?

You’re welcome, America.

~L

PS- Speaking of steroids- interesting position on Jeff Bagwell- read it HERE.

Jacoby, Bard and Gonz shrug off whiners, on to Mariners

We get to leave Baltimore. Thanks be to Fisk. The whining, a shrill echo bouncing around in the migraines of our minds… might never fully go away. But for now, it’s a distant, distant memory. Onward toward the sound of a muuuucccccchhhhhh less whiny team: The Mariners.

Yeah. I just really like that song.

The big news? Apparently Ellsbury.

See, I don’t think this is big news. I have ALWAYS said he’s got the speed… and when he gets the power, it’s going to be insane. Guess who got his power yesterday?

Jacoby reminds me a lot of early not-horrible-Damon. Remember him? The speed? How fun he was to watch? Then he started to get the power. And clearly his brain couldn’t handle it. And it turned to clumpy muck that exploded all over our hopes and dreams like a dynamite tumor of arrogance. I’m okay-I’m okay. It’s just hard sometimes. I need a minute. I have Youk now. I’m fine. I’m fine!

But Jacoby can do great things. I want him in a Sox jersey for the long haul. Think that can happen?

Daniel Bard is also streaking. So fast some of us hadn’t even noticed until the Boston Globe pointed it out. With Buchholz still on the mend and Lester not up to speed quite yet… it’s a good time for a streak.

And Gonz has his groove back. And Pedroia’s got pop.

It’s quite a happy blog I’m putting together today. The kind of thing Showalter put together in April. Remember that, Showalter?

Okay. I’m done.

And now for your daily injection:

Lance Armstrong is going to court. Lance Armstrong, who is a legend in the North Carolina High Country for saying Boone is one of his favorite places to bike, is denying any steroid use… but the questions have still been asked.

~L

A mistrial for Chaz? I mean… um… Clemens? Your daily injection

To clarify: I LOVE Chaz Bono. Really. I saw Chaz in NY when Chaz was Chastity and was irrationally excited and my irrational excitement alienated my peers. I took a cell phone picture. I hate Roger Clemens. If I saw him, I would take a cell phone picture, but only so I could post it here and say, “I hate you, Roger Clemens” and have a good visual aid.

The Roger Clemens drama continues. *insert Law and Order soundbite*

A fricking mistrial. Why? Because the prosecutors made a rookie mistake and didn’t follow simple directions.

Really. Click here for proof.

NOW THEY HAVE TO CALL A NEW JURY.

This means we will have to hear about this FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

No. I’m secretly (not so secretly) thrilled. I kind of love soap operas. I used to watch them when I was sick in elementary school. When I became a grown up, soap operas became less convenient (and kept cancelling… weird) so I have to use things like this trial to fill the void. Oh, and my job. That’s a void-filler.

The judge halted proceedings this morning over complaints from the defense about the prosecutors use of information the judge had banned – and then the judge quickly accepted their concerns and declared a mistrial.

The defense had objected to the use of part of Clemens’ 2008 testimony about Andy Pettitte, drug use, etc, etc.

Before  a brief recess Walton admonished prosecutors for not editing down portions of the testimony, “I made a ruling that  statements that Mr. Pettitte made to his wife could not be admitted.”

“This clearly runs afoul of my pre-trial rulings.”  Walton told the prosecutors. “That testimony is not going to be relevant.”

Afoul! Such dramatic language. I can just see a pirate belting that out on an angry sea.

Can’t you?

Clemens sure would make a great pirate.

Pirates don’t care what you’re on as long as you have time for some yohohos and a bottle of rum.

Oh, and some horrifically graphic pillaging. Pirates don’t sound so cool when you think about the horrifically graphic pillaging. Kind of like how Roger Clemens doesn’t sound so cool when you think of the needle juice.

So thanks, prosecutors, for making a complex issue even more complex.

Wait a second… there might not even be a fricking trial now? What????

There will be a hearing on September 2 to determine whether Clemens would face double jeopardy, should the government elect to try him. Since it was mostly a procedural error and the jury never made a decision, there will probably be another trial.

Oh, I hope so. Else you’ll get a nasty letter from me, prosecutors.

Not everyone thinks it’s going to be so cut and dry.

“This is also just absolutely terrible pre-trial publicity. The entire world knows now what has happened, and you’re never going to get a fair jury. You can’t even change the venue. Fundamental fairness [says] don’t prosecute Roger. He has a big chance right now to walk away from this. We’re going to find out I think in the next 24 hours whether that happens or not.”

~L

At least SOMETHING good is coming out of all the juice drama…

Baseball players are getting “scared straight.”

But the LA Times explores whether or not it’s trickling down to younger athletes…

Steroid use among teens rose in 2010, according to the University of Michigan’s annual Monitoring the Future study on teenage drug use.

The survey of approximately 50,000 eighth-, 10th- and 12th-graders showed 4 percent of male high school seniors said they used steroids in 2010 — up from 3.4 percent in 2009 and the highest number since 2004.

Still looking for drama? Read this article about how a trial might have reignited the Wade Boggs- Roger Clemens feud of ultimate hilarity.

Juries and jerks: Your daily injection

Another busy day in the world of growth hormones, as the Roger Clemens melodrama continues. *insert Law and Order-esque da-dah here*

Jury selection continues…

And it’s slower than steroid molasses. (never inject molasses, no matter what they tell you)

The first woman questioned was excused after expressing apparent confusion over the presumption of innocence for a defendant…

America, ladies and gents. That’s just one of the potentials. 36 need to be selected before the trial moves forward. OUT of those 36, 12 will be selected. And it’s (as they say in the south), “slim pickin’s.” Could someone tell me what that saying means?

Clemens, as you know, has been charged with SIX felonies for lying to Congress about why his thighs are so beefy. Pettitte, as you know, is just one in a slew of people who call foul on Clemens’ claim that his massive bulk is just about wheaties.

Maybe, prosecutors say, but your wheaties were spiked!

No, he says! Nothing comes between me and my cereal!

Really, they say? Because your cereal bowl looks a lot like a syringe…

No, he says, shaking his mammoth fists! That’s a spoon!

A syringe, good sir!

A spoon! A spoon! A spoon! I’ll spoon your face! I’ll spoon all your faces!

You are out of order! Out of ORDER!

It’s a lot like that in real life. Except the spoons are metaphorical. You know. You can borrow that script, if you want, you know, for dinnertime reenactments. But use plastic spoons, k? Because when we tried it at my dinner table, it got violent.

Opening arguments are set for WEDNESDAY. And I can’t wait. Now the judge says he may not let the prosecution question Pettitte at all. Apparently, having witnesses say they’ve juiced up could tamper impartiality where Clemens is concerned.

This one’s going to be fun. So much juicy (pun intended) drama! It’s like reality television, but I don’t have to have cable!

And… on the other side of the world, people are still testing positive for doping. See, and this is going to continue to be a problem until everyone, across the board, is held accountable. And to hold the accountable, you have to catch them, see… and to catch them *ahem, Selig, ahem* you have to WANT to catch them. The unspoken tolerance? Got to stop.

~L

Curt Schilling! Stop talking! And autograph my face! Thanks. Love, Lauren

Dear Curt,

Curt. I love you. Really. I do. No matter what you say. No matter what crazy things you do. Seriously. Like Jimmy Carter. I attribute weird things you say to eccentricity.

But do me a solid? Stop. Talking.

“There isn’t a team in the last 20 years that’s won clean. And that’s unfortunate.”

Curt. Darling. Shut. Up.

Thanks.

Love,

Lauren

Jeb, thanks for bringing this to my attention.

Sorry, cops! No juice for you! Your daily injection.

So much steroid news this week! So we better get started.

Here’s your daily injection. Because it looks like this is going to need to be a daily dose.

Apparently, coproids (<- think that could catch on?) are a BIG problem in New Jersey. Apparently, an investigation found cops (ahem, coproids) and firefighters (fireroids) using gov benefits to juice. Seriously. Steroids: Not just for baseball.

New Jersey paid more than $11 million in 2010 for steroid and growth hormone prescriptions for state employees.

Meanwhile, back on the courtmound, Roger Clemens trial is underway… jurors are being asked about vitamin use. Somehow, I don’t think they’re talking flintstones. Seriously. Going to help you out. Ask if they’re Boston Red Sox fans.

But the saga gets a new, hilarious chapter. BLACKMAIL! Seriously. It is like a spy novel.

…it appears this is the defense that is supposed to keep him out of a perjury conviction and out of jail:
That his former trainer Brian McNamee kept syringes and blood and all the rest of it in case he might want to blackmail an innocent man someday.

Okay, Jason Bourne.<– Movie reference

Another of his clients? Andy Pettitte. But apparently not worthy of blackmail? Not to mention the little gem that Andy Pettitte said McNamee GAVE HIM THE SUBSTANCES.

Honestly. 8 katrillion in legal fees and THIS IS ALL YOU’VE GOT, ROGER?

Oy. Maybe Casey Anthony’s lawyer has some free time, Rog…

B-12. Riiigggghhhhttt. Because that doesn’t come in a pill.

This is like a bad novel with a circulation of 15.

I get those sometimes. Seriously. People send me photocopied novels for review. Things like this? Would tottallllyyyyyy get equal eye roll time from me.

And now they bring Sammy Sosa into this?

This will not end well for anyone.

THANKS, ROGER CLEMENS.

In other news, Debi Clemens revamped her website.

Wow.

And don’t think this is confined to America. Oh no…

At least we won today. And at least this doesn’t involve us. Today. Please, my Red Sox, don’t make me read an article about you juicing. Thanks.

~L