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Canada, I’m sorry, but we have to take out our Verla-shame on you.
LIVE BLOG: I’m not just blogging for the Red Sox tonight. I’m blogging for America. So don your American flags and your apple pie (ala mode if it’s heated, now) and join me for tonight’s match up against the evil north.
That’s right- John Farrell’s bringing out the birds.
The blogging will start (and probably more than a few fricks) at 7ish. Expect cursing. Expect beer. And expect videos with carefully constructed sharpie marker illustrations. They are dazzling, I tell you. DAZZLING.
See you at SEVEN? YES???????
Put your game face on. I MEAN it. That does NOT look like your game face!!!!! Canada rolls its eyes at you.
Let’s hope Doubront… um… does something.
No. Not that. A GOOD something.
SEE YOU AT SEVEN.
Dinner. Check.
6:38. An American meal. Of Apple PIE.
6:46. Nervous yet?
6:54. One irritating face has been absent for opening week… JOHNNY DAMON! In fun, pre-game giggle news, Johnny Damon STILL hasn’t signed onto a team- a reality that has Scott Boras baffled. There’s Cleveland talk and the likely possibility that he’ll be teamed by May…
But hilariously out of touch people… you know, the ones who didn’t hear him cry last year at Turf-gate, or whimper at the scary mean Boston fans (lower lip trembling, poor ‘ittle guy), are calling this a MYSTERY. Nick Cafardo just can’t figure out why no one will sign him.
Allow me to Nancy Drew it for you.
1. He is old. 2. He is annoying. 3. His ego won’t fit in your ball park. 4. He is old. 5. the ‘tude. And 6. He is old.
Feel free to sleuth it out in the comments.
6:58. Wish the game would starttttttttttttttttt. I am ready to winnnnnnnnn.
YAY.
7:01. The intro music, though for Toronto, is eerily appropriate… “..forgiven my mistakes…”
Hope so, kiddies. Hope so.
There is a lot of music in Canada. This intro is quite dramatic.
“He is THE MOST FEARED HITTER IN BASEBALL.”
Really? Jose Bautista? Really?
I mean. Um.
Okay.
Oh. Now he’s getting his silver slugger award.
Were his ears always that big?
Oh no. They’re passing out those annoying towels. I hate those things.
This game is going to annoy me.
—
7:05. Remembering athletes who died. This is depressing. Oh no. The family is crying. Oh no. Why are you doing this to me, baseball? Don’t you know apple pie ALREADY makes me emotional? And the Blue Jays are making a $10k donation in the vics’ names. Wow. That’s nice. I’m sorry in advance for the pain our victory will cause you, Canada. You seemed like a really nice country just now.
Now they are defining the word anticipation. A little unnecessary for those of us who have dictionaries. Don’t you think? And there’s this weird intro where they are stitching a blue jay onto a hat. Weeeeeiiirrrdddddd.
I’m just ready to watch some baseball. Can we, um, do that now, please? Thanks. Now we are watching baseball players run? Or are they dancing? It’s hard to tell, actually. Santos just used the word “swagger.” Josh Morrow says he wants the whole country to watch him. Um. Okay. Seriously, kids. I am going to go get food. And maybe play three games of monopoly on my iPhone. I bet I have time. LONGEST INTRO EVER. “We can do all the talking we want but…” Apparently.
7:10. They booed us. I think they think they’re going to hurt our feelings. They REALLY booed Jacoby. Clearly, they haven’t been watching. Hi, Pedroia. A-Gonz slow jogs to the lineup. Yep. Is it just me, or was there more clapping at Youk’s name? Oh. That WAS me. Hi, Papi. Hi, Cody Ross. Hi, new boyfriend Ryan Sweeney. Hello, Jarrod Saltalamacchia. And. Um. Mike Aviles… And Felix Doubront. They didn’t even boo you, Felix Doubront. Poor Felix. Not even netting a boo.
While the Blue Jays are stepping out Kennel Club Dog Show style, I really am going to grab food.
7:15. They’re still at it. Hi, John Farrell! I miss you!
Do you think he misses us? I bet he does. Who wouldn’t? Haha. There is like one, lone guy booing the crap out of Bautista.
7:20. Some of the Jays were cutting up during the National Anthem. Kudos to camera man for THAT closeup.
Hi, Michael!!!! It’s going to be okay. Because they are going to win tonight.
Is it just me, or did Dr. Ron Taylor REALLY not care about that first pitch. He just sort of tossed it. I don’t think his expression changed. Um. At all. Remember last year when Pedro threw out that pitch? Sniff. I’m okay.
Maybe the game will start soon!
This intro is longer than the Titanic.
—-
7:30. Maybe there is no game. Maybe this is just an excuse to arm Canadians with hand towels.
Oh! Oh! Oh! There are people on the field! And Jacoby’s icon just went up! That’s something! Does it… Can it… FIRST PITCH! It’s a miracle. Oh. It’s a warm up. But it involves a baseball.
The announcers are on mute or something. By this point, I fully expect MLB.tv screwups. I’m just glad it’s not checkerboarding this year. I do like the Toronto ballpark…
And I do like you, Jacoby. Hi.
I didn’t like that. Grounds out at first. Blatantly. And the fans whip out those towels…
Pedroia is at bat. He’s three and thirteen, as the announcer kindly tells us.
In case you’re keeping count at home, Toronto announcers have mentioned that the sox are now 0 and 3. THREE times.
Alvarez just tried to kill Pedroia, but missed. I heard Alvarez is like seven years old or something. Remember when we put out our seven year old, aka: Kyle Weilland?
“Pedroia never gets cheated. He swings hard. Might be one of the best high ball hitters in baseball.” ~Announcer says. Right before he grounds OUT to first. Two outs.
We’re having difficulty pronouncing Adrian Gonzalez in the announcer booth. Gonzalez struck out twice, apparently, at his last Alvarez encounter… good. To. Know. I like it when the announcers are helpful. Gonz slugged 815 against the Jays last year, including 8 homeruns. THANK YOU. I like these announcers. I do. Full Count… It’s okay, though, because Kevin Youkilis is on deck. Not that it matters, because Gonz has struck out. Damn, those towels are annoying.
Hi, FDA. I am glad you are back. I KNOW you are annoyed by those towels. I find them more annoying than our scoreless first, actually. John Farrell knows that, I bet. Because he knows me. I bet he KNEW that the way to incur my wrath was to pass out those towels.
7:40. Bob McClure, our new pitching coach, is, apparently, impressed by Felix Doubront. Okay, then. Let’s see. You are not the only one being judged, Doubront. So is your puppet master. First pitch looked good to me. He has a strange clean cut bubble gum chew thing going on. The announcers cut out again. Fix that, MLB. I am determined to be optimistic about you, Doubront.
Ohno. Now they’re talking about Tek. It’s okay. I won’t cry. Now they’re talking about how Tek taught Salty how to catch. Nice breaking ball. Very dramatic. As long as it’s a strike, Doubront. Doubront reminds me of someone and I can’t place it. He has that jackassy indifference thing that is great when he’s striking them out but will be annoying when he makes horrible mistakes. Full count. This at-bat is taking a long time. Do you think Felix shaves his face like that, or is that just how the hair grows? Ellsbury makes a nice catch to save you from my wrath, Felix. One out.
7:45. I think towels are for swimmers, but that’s just me. Bautista is on deck. I don’t think the guy batting is important. he keeps kicking his knee up like a “fierce” chick on America’s Next Top Model. Doubront definitely LOOKS like he’s keeping his cool. I miss Pedro. Okay, Doubront. These balls are getting irritating. I mean, 15 pitches for two batters?
OKAY, Felix. A walk? A WALK?
Not cool, Felix. Not cool. Oh good. Jose Bautista is batting. Not exactly the time you want to have a guy at first. On the ground…. And double play. Okay. Very cool. I get it. That was totttttally on purpose to move the game along, right? You almost had me going there, Felix. Into inning 2!
Silly FDA. You know I never move on (PEDRO!).
7:50. Kevin Youkilis grounds out but it shouldn’t count because the announcers weren’t paying attention…
David Ortiz will fix this. Alvarez looks a little shaky. I would too. I don’t care who you are, Papi is fricking scary. Unless you are a kid wanting an autograph. Then he’s a big teddy bear. Oh! Oh! Oh! The Papi clap!
A single! A single! David Ortiz, ladies and gents. I love him so.
Hi, Cody Ross. I want to like you. You’re just so happy. Um. That is NOT your happy face. Um… Wow. What a grimace. Cody… is that really you? Yikes. That’s the foulest face I’ve seen on a sox since Padilla…
Um. Double play. Um.
Well.
So. Um. Felix Doubront?
7:55 Hi, Paul!
I think we should have a contest to see who can do the Cody Ross grimace the best.
I don’t know where Jeb is. Probably pillaging.
We have now mentioned the 0 and 3 record in the announcer booth FIVE times.
Come on, Doubront! I believe in you. So does Paul. And FDA. WE believe in you. And that’s all you need, really. Someone to believe in you. Ask Tinkerbell. The cartoon version. Not the lame Julia Roberts version. You don’t have to ask lame Julia Roberts ANYTHING. You could move this game along, though.
NICE catch by my new boyfriend, Ryan Sweeney, for the out.
8 p.m. This is a very long game. Hi, Adam Lind. HURRY BACK, FDA. Tea is much less important than sweet, sweet victory.
TWO OUTS. Brett Lawrie is at bat. I secretly like him a little. Like, not enough to cheer for him. But enough to smile at his pretty face. Okay. That’s over. DESTROY, DOUBRONT. DESTROY.
Well, damn. Single. You were captivated by your crush too, weren’t you, Doubront? It’s not your fault, really. You are forgiven this once. But just this once. Steeeeeerike. Hi, Rajai Davis. You look very young. In the face. Hi, Brett Lawrie. With your juxtaposed clean cut-ness and your nifty tattoos. Stay on first, please.
Focus, Doubront. We have much to do, you and I. We can not be distracted by idle things. If you want to be my favorite pitcher (and this year you have a shot), you better stay FOCUSED and stop hitting on Brett Lawrie. Seriously. You and Brett can get a room after the game if you want. Do you think Brett Lawrie will read this blog? Salty and Gonz try to catch a foul ball. This is neat, see, because Gonz actually RAN. Total miss. But Gonz actually HUSTLED. No one in the dugout helped. And the announcer commented on that. Ellsbury catches for the third out.
It is never cold in Raleigh, FDA. It’s probably like 111 degrees or something great like that. I love not living on a mountain…
8:08. Top of the third. My new boyfriend is batting. I hope you heard that, Kevin Youkilis. You are still my husband (I can’t quit you), but your recent tryst with a Ms. Brady, coupled by your lack of hitting, has you on thin ice with me, sir. That’s where Ryan Sweeney comes in. Oh. A ground out at first. It’s okay, Ryan Sweeney. You at least look sorry. Apologizing gets you mad points. Hi, Brett Lawrie. Was he looking at me just then?
Hi, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and your switch hitting. The announcer just called you “intriguing.” Yuck. Caught. It’s okay, Salty. Rasmus is such a weird kid. That was a neat catch. I guess.
Mike Aviles. Um. Okay. Maybe he’ll do something really great. Maybe Aviles will be like… a diamond in the rough. Like Aladdin. It could happen. Um. Okay. Clean slate, Aviles. I will seriously forget our history and praise you anew if you can just get on a flipping base. Oh. Swing and a miss. Oh. That was a painful strike too. Oh.
So. Um. Bottom of the third…
8:19. Well. That sucked. A triple. Um. Doubront? You in there?
Crap. Do you think Beckett chickened him? One out. Guy at third. Bah. Bobby V close up. He’s doing this sway thing. He knows. He knows this sucks. And he knows it’s his fault. Bah. Oh no. He’s smiling. Bobby V? Smiling? Really? “Directing the traffic on the infield?” Is it too late for Tito to come back? Do you think he likes his new gig? And John Farrell is watching. This is embarrassing.
And a WALK. Good. So. Um. Two on base now. One out. Good.
Oh. Good. With a dramatic slide, Rasmus scores. Oh.
Doubront has, at least, dropped the jackassy statue stare.
Bobby V has now decided to step outside of the dugout. I think I am just now grasping how irritating Bobby V is to watch.
Tito used to acknowledge suckiness. Remember? But Tito is gone. So really, really this is Larry Lucchino’s fault…
8:25. You’re right, Ellie. We shouldn’t dwell on whose fault it is. My dog is so smart. We should dwell on how we can FIX this problem. Edwin Encarnacion is at bat. Two outs. Can he be the third out? Thanks. It is 1-0. Still. One score is not the end of the world. Please do not be psyched out, Doubront. It’s really not a——
REALLY???? 2-0. This game is crap.
WHO PUT YOU IN THE STARTING LINEUP AGAIN? Oh. That’s right. Bobby V.
No. It’s April. It’s APRIL.
Bah.
We’re okay. It’s just one inning. Just two runs.
“John Farrell has already shown us he is thinking about matchups, thinking about…”
Bah. Pay attention to what the announcer is saying, Bobby V. We can ALL learn from our mistakes. Does it count as a mistake when you just don’t do anything? Because that’s what is taxing about you, Bobby V. You just don’t do anything.
I know, I know, but Lauren! You don’t manage a team!
I do manage, actually. I manage TETRIS. And, when I’m playing TETRIS, and my L-shaped piece comes out upside down, I adjust.
Well, Bobby V, Doubront is UPSIDE DOWN. Hit the fricking space bar, already!!!!!!
Three outs. Fah-fricking-finally.
That’s dangerous, Paul. I mean, it IS only two runs. You don’t want to KNOW how Kyle would fudge that up…
8:32. I texted Jeb and said “FDA is asking about you.” I just got a response. “My girlfriend?”
Oh. It’s Friday, isn’t it? Yikes. I think the boy will be here Friday. Um. I don’t know if we’re at the “he-can-see-my-sox-side-stage” yet…
Two outs that are eye-roll worthy. Gonz is at the bat. He is more fun to watch now that there is a possibility of him actually running.
Dramatic pronouncements? Me? NEVER.
“Off to a rough start so far this year.”
SHUT UP, announcers. I never liked you.
Hi, Kevin Youkilis. Love. Light. Seriously. FDA, does he look skinnier? Look at his face. His jowls, as it were. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan… but I’d sacrifice hitting power over aesthetics ANY day. Seriously. He’s so pretty today. WHY CAN’T HE HIT????
I do appreciate that the announcer just called Kevin one of the best in baseball. Okay, announcers. I guess we are okay. Oh. A look at Josh Beckett in the dugout. I am sure he is LOVING this game. I am so mad at you, Josh. So mad.
But this is not the time for anger. This is the time for Youkilis. Who I will love. No matter what. She said…
Jeb and FDA, your love story is going to be so epic that it will become an internet meme and make me famous. I will be invited on the Ellen show and we will dance.
Can you name your first kid Kevin?
FDA! Kevin is my HUSBAND. Get it right.
Hi, Brett Lawrie. Keep your cool, Felix. I know it’s hard staring in the face of Lawrie. He is quite attractive. But if you could just hold on, all the rest of the Blue Jay players are ugly…
One out! Good job. It’s okay, Brett Lawrie. A trip to Raleigh would be worth the hassle…
That was the lamest not-bunt I have ever seen, Davis.
Oh good. Another Beckett closeup. By the way, we have talked about the 0 and 3 record 11 times now.
They just said Beckett got “torched.” Yep. But that was days ago. Literally days.
Doubront knocks another one out.
See? He’s not so bad. I mean… two runs? Wouldn’t be so horrid if… you know… we could hit something…
I am okay with you, Doubront. Right now. At this moment.
Arencibia is at bat and I think I ate too much pie.
Andy Pettitte is pitching in Florida tonight. Has anyone seen how that’s been going? I kind of hope it goes well so we can destroy him later this season.
Dice-K is throwing in Florida too!
And… of course. As always happens, when I praise a pitcher, he WALKS someone.
Really, Felix??? REALLY? Oh. And it’s Rasmus. He looks like he lives under a bridge. A bridge near a river. With frogs or something.
And not a nice bridge. Or a nice river. Like, a crappy bridge. And a crappy river.
He is NOT Uselesssss. I will not have you talk that way, FDA. I will not. I would NEVER talk smack about Derek Lowe.
Rasmus… He looks confused. He didn’t earlier when he got that fricking triple, so don’t fall for it, Doubront. I think he just naturally looks stupefied.
Yeah. I guess it would be silly if we gave our kids the same name, FDA.
Oh no. They just asked Ortiz about chickengate. Because we haven’t heard that enough.
Ortiz:
“Yeah, there were some guys having it (chicken) during the game yes but those guys, they wasn’t even in the game. I’m not saying that what they were doing was the right thing to do, but what I am saying is it wasn’t affecting us on the field.”
He says he doesn’t eat fried chicken re cholesterol- and has lost 20 lbs… Oh. And he’s out. I think the announcers are in love with papi. They keep talking about how good he looks. It’s weird.
Cody Ross, scowling away again.
Base hit down the middle! Now maybe he has something to smile about. Cody, you have such a nice smile. USE IT.
Ryan Sweeney. Hello, boyfriend.
Hi, Steven. You should NEVER go to class when there’s a sox game.
A double! Back to back hits. Love this.
See what happens when you start watching, Steven? Never leave us for class again.
Two outs. Okay. It is fine. Okay.
I still love you, Salty.
Crap. I take back my love for all of you except Ross, Sweeney and Ortiz.
Bostonians also make good creme pie.
FDA, Kevin Youkilis is perfect too. Clearly there is an epic wind in Toronto.
Steven, I have thought about this (For like ten minutes) and I think Aviles is a double agent.
Escoblablah is batting. Doubront is going to take him out. Doubront will take them ALL out. You’ll see. It’s the top of the fifth and I STILL have faith in you, Felix. So does FDA. And Jeb. And Steven. And Paul. And the bazillion trollers my stats indicate I have. We ALL have faith in you. Quick! Somebody flap their arms like that Gordon Levitt kid in Angels in the outfield!
Christopher Lloyd IS watching you. Christopher Lloyd is watching us all.
OUT. See? I told you it would work. I am often right.
Oh.
A single.
Oh.
It’s okay. It’s just a single. It’s okay. I mean, it kind of looks like we could have nabbed that. Oh, Doubront just swiped the dirt in dismay. See, I like that. That’s acknowledgment. Pay attention, Beckett. It would make me glare at you less. Oh, Bautista. I can tell, because the annoying towels are back. A rip strike. It looks painful. Maybe he will be in pain. I didn’t mean that…
One out, fifth inning. It is 9:09. I want a salad. I have nothing in my fridge but an empty pie tin.
You know, the blue jay with the maple leaf? It kind of looks like a horrible wound on the bird’s head. Look at that.
Jose is not nearly as much fun to watch as Brett Lawrie.
That looked like a strike to me. Marlon Hudson is making some fudgy calls, if you ask me.
Youkilis catches and kills Bautista. Yay.
I love, by the way, how Salty talked Doubront off the metaphorical ledge just then. That was very Tekky. Sigh. I miss Tek. I’m okay.
I’m expecting my “never forget” bracelet any day now.
Focus, Doubront. It would be nice if you would just retire this guy so we won’t have to look at the blue jays for awhile.
FOCUS. Yes. That is called Focus. Encarnacionicusocus just had a killer strike. Ew. He is a spitter. Ew.
Don’t you know you are on television, Encarnaciocockus? Your mother is watching and she does not want to see you spit. STRIKE THREE. Out. And the inning is ova….
9:16. Those braves are so sweet, thinking of us like that, FDA. We should play hopscotch with them or braid their hair or something.
I miss Jason Bay. His alien face always made me smile.
I like Felix too. I just wish I could like our hitters…
All we have to do is hit THREE TIMES.
That’s it, really. No pressure, JACOBY, but you have done nothing for me. And Alvarez catches your bounce. And you sit down.
NOTHING.
Seriously, kids, let’s analyze this Jacoby situation. Did we drain him last year when he was the only one playing? Is that what is going to happen to Papi now that HE is the only one playing?
Yikes.
Pedroia is at bat and the announcers clearly have a crush on him too. If Dustin and Papi stood next to eachother, I think these announcers would pass out.
Seriously. This is weird. They didn’t even talk up Bautista this much.
HOME RUN.
And THAT is why the world loves you. And these announcers, apparently. Wow, announcers. Really?
I mean… I love him too… but… aren’t you supposed to root for Canada? Pedroia, I am promoting you to PRESIDENT of the those-who-give-a-frick club. PRESIDENT. I wish you were here so I could hug you. Even though, Ellie’s about your size…
DAMNIT, Gonz. The slow jog is back.
You are OUT of the club.
Hi, Youkie. Maybe you SHOULD eat chicken. Maybe that 20lbs you lost is the reason you just popped out…
2-1. I mean, Dustin, you could have done that when people were on the bases. But thank you. Thank you for not making us look ridiculous in Canada. America thanks you. And the announcers want… well… you.
IT IS NOT KEVIN YOUKILIS’ FAULT! IT IS THE WIND!
We are in the 6th and Bobby V has put Atchison in. I am actually really excited about this. Not you, Scott, stop smiling inside. I am just excited that, FOR ONCE, you broke your pattern of leaving pitchers in forever until they break and melt into a pile of strikeless goo. Thanks.
Come on, Atchison. Prove that you are not a failure. And by you, I mean the ENTIRE BULLPEN.
Honestly, Doubront was KIND of okay. I mean, you did leave in Beckett FOREVER the other day. Your brain is interesting, Bobby V.
Two balls, two strikes. Oh. Three balls. Two strikes. Oh.
Martin Short is here! Martin Short is here!!!! Who cares about those other two “celebrities?” MARTIN SHORT!
Can he hit?
Okay. Um. We are interviewing people from “Canada’s Got Talent” and not watching the game… um. And not talking to Martin Short. Seriously. If you are going to ignore the game, ignore it for MARTIN SHORT. Not hair chick.
Oh. Martin Short is talking about “Canada’s Got Talent” too. Okay. You can stop talking now.
I don’t even watch “America’s Got Talent.”
Now they are talking about belching instead of watching baseball.
There was a third out. A THIRD OUT? I missed like, ALL of those outs because of a cheap interview promoting “Canada’s Got Talent” where Martin Short wasn’t asked to do ANY impressions or anything. I feel cheated.
Papelpoo is dead to me. DEAD TO ME.
Sigh. I miss the Papeljig.
No I don’t. Yes I do. No I don’t.
We should teach Ryan Sweeney to jig…
Do you think we could buy Brett Lawrie? Just wondering. No reason. No reason at all…
Darren Oliver could be your dad, Alvarez.
Ortiz is 3 for 13 against this guy. Come on, Papi. We need you to get on base. Or better, really. Because the A-Gonz’ slow jog is back. And because Kevin Youkilis is broken. And because we need justice and harmony in this world.
Cody Ross. Apparently, his single did NOT make him happy. I am concerned. I do NOT remember Cody being this stodgy. Do you guys? He was … fun. Would this happen to Brett Lawrie? Would we break him? Because I don’t want that to happen to you, Brett. Stay free… free like that lion on “Born Free.”
What WAS that strike, Cody? Was that an IMPRESSION of a baseball player? Because you certainly weren’t even close. It’s like you were playing charades and the answer is “Julio Lugo.”
Hi, Ryan Sweeney. One on base. So if you could just hit a home run (no pressure), we would be winning. Because it is 2-1. There is one out. So. Um. No pressure…
Seriously? REALLY? David Ortiz????? You don’t steal!!!!!!
THAT is why! You lost twenty pounds. You didn’t gain wheels!
So. Ortiz got caught stealing.
So. Um.
So much for my “all it takes is one hit” strategy, Ryan.
Papi, you need to sit down and THINK about what you just did.
Seriously. WHY?
9:40 p.m. Damn it. really? We can’t hit DARREN OLIVER?
I think Dustin is a good leadoff candidate. Because Jacoby is BROKEN.
SIGH.
It’s okay. It’s OKAY. We need TWO fricking runs. TWO fricking runs. We will find them. SOMEWHERE.
And the first batter is out. That was actually kind of nice. Thanks to PEDROIA. Guys, pay attention. There’s no reason you can’t ALL be Pedroias. We could have a giant team of Pedroia’s. Well, it wouldn’t be giant…
Ellsbury makes an easy catch for out number two.
Atchison is kind of looking like a badass. Thanks for refraining from the chicken.
Oh! They just said 0 and 3 again! That’s 17 times, I think. Oh! 18. 19. Oh! And again! 20.
Last year it was 0 and 6. They’ve said that at least seven times…
That’s for reminding us, announcers. Soooo helpful. I guess it’s either make fun of us or make out with Dustin Pedroia.
Escobaby gets a single. Youkie, that was NOT your fault. Gonz, see how Escoblob actually RUNS? If that had been you, it would have been out number three. You know it. I know it.
Yes. This game SCREAMS Taylor Swift song, FDA. Let me know your selection, and I will put up the video so we can all listen and bemoan our fates together.
Oh! An out!
I think we’re going to be okay, actually. I feel good. I feel good about this game. We just need TWO fricking runs, after all…
Maybe we don’t need Taylor. Yet.
Paul- Atchison for PRESIDENT! I think he can last longer than a closer. Let’s make him bullpen president.
Salty. Hi. It is 9:50. Could you get a home run, please? I am very sleepy.
Hahahaha. Oh, Lawrie. You are even sexy when you super-fail at catching. He really smacked into that camera. I hope it got a good shot of his bicep.
ACK! They just tried to assassinate Saltalamacchia! ACK!
That was so on purpose. I officially hate this guy.
It’s okay, Salty. THAT strike out was not your fault. It’s because he tried to KILL you.
Let’s kill him with our glares, shall we?
I am glad you are still alive, Salty.
Oh. Aviles.
Oh.
Mike Aviles. Out at first. Yep.
Fricktastic.
WHO is Taylor Swift? Oh, Paul. You should be so glad I am in your life. Click here. And here. You are welcome.
I like this inning. I do. TWO outs. Eighth inning. Okay. All we need is ONE run in the 9th to keep this going. Just ONE. And we’ll be safe… and sound… like… oh, I don’t know…
Three outs!
10 p.m. Okay. All eyes on the screen. NOW. This is serious. It is even MORE serious than Taylor Swift.
DUSTIN PEDROIA IS SERIOUS>
Double.
DOUBLE!
DOUBLE.
SEE?! See? Dare we dream? Dare we hope?
It hurts so much more when we get like this… hoping…
DUSTIN PEDROIA I HAVE NO WORDS SO I SHALL USE CAPITAL LETTERS AND-
Oh no. Adrian Gonzalez.
Okay, A-Gonz. You need to run. No. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. RUN. Run like Bobby Valentine is chasing you. Run like I AM CHASING YOU. In a go cart or something so that my speed is more intimidating. You have to do this. You HAVE to do this. For freedom. And mankind. And AMERICA. AND MY SELF ESTEEM.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Pedroia steals third. Oh! Oh! Oh!
I just fell off my bed.
Oh. Okay. Come on, Gonzalez. R-U-N.
But, you know, hit first.
Full count.
And that foul fricking me the fudge out. Frick.
Look what you did. You scared my puppy! She just left the room.
Fuddgggeeeeee
Another foul. And a commercial? A COMMERCIAL?
Yeah, that’s right. Bring it back. Ohholyfrickmotheroffrick…
PEDROIA SCORES!
PEDROIA SCORES!
Bobby V gives him an ass smack and says, “do it pedey!”
Suddenly, Bobby V doesn’t look so bad and I-
Holy frick-We are. We are going to win. We’re going to win.
It is tied. We have one out. And Kevin Youkilis is batting.
Holy fricktasticals.
Youkilis strikes out.
Um… It is 10:09 and I can’t sit still.
David Ortiz at the bat.
This is how it should be, really.
Bobby V, could you please leave in Atchison? Thanks.
It’s okay, FDA. I handled it. Just now.
Um… Aceves… um…
Uhoh.
Ortiz… Hi.
Ortiz is my baby’s daddy. True story. Just ask Elliot-May-Precious Ortiz.
Of course, his baby is hiding from me because I keep throwing socks.
Walk. He is ON BASE.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Let’s just all walk. I’d be okay with that. Let’s ALLLL walk.
We’re going to give Youk a cat scan. And then, if there’s nothing wrong, we’re going to feed him cans of Ensure until he gets his ass kicking weight back on, that’s what we’re going to do, Paul.
Cody Ross, stop frowning and play BASEBALL.
It’s this GAME that you get paid to play.
If I got paid to play a game, I would turn MY frown upside down, best believe.
10:13, And my last fingernail is gone.
We have two people on base. Two. And McDonald is going to run for Ortiz. So that’s goooood.
Ohholyfrickles.
Hi, Ryan Sweeney. Ryan Sweeney will save us.
He kind of reminds me of Jason Bay. Anyone else see it?
BASE HIT!
MCDONALD Slides in… SLIDES in… drama… awesomeness. We will win. WE WILL WIN. And that ball hopped and we scored and there was no tag and…
Remember to breathe, Lauren…
OHHOLYFRICK.
Salty.
And … and…
It’s beautiful. And Santos cursed. And it was beautiful too.
Isn’t it nice to see another bullpen implode?
It is 3-2. 3-2, BOSTON.
Did you see that, John Farrell? Were you watching? Because we can replay it. We can replay it.
And the ball runs away and Ross comes in!!! And it is 4-2!
And I LOVE baseball.
And I love YOU, Santos. I can’t believe that mean John Farrell is bringing you in…
Hear those boos?
Hahahahahahaha. I wish I had a towel too be obnoxious with. Who am I kidding? I am at my house. I have LOTS of towels.
10:22. Actually, Salty’s not so bad. I really think this is going to be his year, Paul. You’ll see. Mark my words…
10:25. BOTTOM of the 9th. OHMYGOD MY COMPUTER FRICKING FROZE.
Okay. Whew. It’s better. Hi, Alfredo. If you screw it up, I fear for your life.
One out. This is STRESSFUL. You know. Unless you’re my dog.
Aceves, I have ALWAYS loved you. I don’t think ANY of this is your fault. I blame Bobby V for putting you in this situation.
That disclaimer aside, I’m going to need another out in order to justify your existance on this earth, okay?
Holyfrickingfrick.
Did we… um… We… won. We WON. WE won.
Um…
Was it just me… or was that anticlimactic?
I mean, with the previous pedey lovefest, I was expecting like… confetti?
I think confetti would have been fair… um…
SCREW IT! We WONNNNNNNNN.
You’re welcome, Red Sox. On behalf of myself and all my commenters, who, undoubtedly, pushed you to victory, you are welcome.
Hah.
I am …
Happy.
~L
Timmy disses the president. And apparently likes Glenn Beck.
In random news- the midday to your Monday- our own goalgod Tim Thomas did NOT accompany the Bruins to the White House. Because Tim Thomas does NOT want to meet the president.
In further proof that no one is perfect- he clarifies that it’s not a case of the sniffles. Nope. He’s skipping out on the leader of the free world for “political reasons.” Insert eye roll here.
And, in 2012 fashion, Tim plans to release a statement on Facebook (really? REALLY? at 6 p.m.).
Okay. Tim. You know I love you. I do.
But swallow the ego. Seriously. Swallow it.
REALLY, Timmy???? REALLY? What political comment could you posssssibbbllyyyyy be expressing?
Make a comment. Don’t make a comment. I don’t care. But please don’t think this is important enough to schedule a statement. And please don’t do it via FACEBOOK.
I’m giving you a free pass on this one because, well, you gave me the Stanley Cup. But I’m quirking my brow at your picture and mouthing out “Oh REALLY?” right now.
And I promise I won’t care any more at 6 p.m.
A KNOWN fan? I didn’t know that. Did you know that?
Oh, Timmy…
I saw Glenn Beck CRY on stage while reading a Christmas story, Tim.
Seriously. You don’t have to vote for him. But he doesn’t have leprosy (that’s Ryan Braun). You can shake the guy’s hand, Tim. You’re “one of two Americans on the roster.” Your hand won’t fall off. I promise. I have shaken Obama’s hand four times now. And I still have all of my fingers.
At least Tim won’t be suspended.
—
In I-don’t-really-give-a-frick news, we’re in talks with Cody Ross. I mean. I guess I give a frick. I mean… wikipedia says he’s well-liked.
Ross has become a very popular player in San Francisco, earning the nickname “Ross the Boss” for his timely and sometimes powerful hitting, and above average fielding skills.
But re-read that. “sometimes powerful hitting.” “Above average fielding skills.”
Remember when we used to sign someone and the article said “extraordinary?”
—
Roy Oswalt has officially turned down the Tigers. So, rumor has it… he could be wearing Red Sox.
—
Oh. And in news that should surprise no one- Jorge Posada. Retiring. Official. It’s happening tomorrow. I am devastated by this (really). Because I think my Posada verb was just catching on. And now it has no chance. Jorge Posada really Posada-ed me on this. Go Posada yourself, Jorge.
And in roll-your-eyes news. I read that Sox Judas, Johnny Damon “really” wants to play for the Yankees. Okay, America. Roll your eyes.
~L
The quest for Nomahhhh. Oh, and Vicente might shoot us. With a gun.
The quest for a new Nomahhhhhh-
It’s dominating the painnnnnnfffulllllyyyyyy boring headlines (if you can call them that) of Sox nation today, as we mourn the passing of Scutaro and quirk our confuzzled eyes at our roster. Seriously. Boston short stop=Spinal Tap drummer.
The kryptonite Nomar Garciaparra left behind when he was traded in mid-2004 has lost none of its potency in 71⁄2 years. Saturday night’s trade of shortstop Marco Scutaro to the Colorado Rockies for $6 million in salary relief — and, don’t forget, pitcher Clayton Mortensen — once again put the spotlight on the Sox’ curiously consistent inability to groom Nomar’s heir.
Other than giving the Herald’s Michael Silverman‘s inner child the chance to use words like “kryptonite,” not much is new.
That’s kind of the story of this off season: Nothing new, folks. Enjoy the cheese plate.
Nick Punto and Mike Aviles are going to tag team shortstop. So. Um. Apparently it takes two to make one Nomar. I hope it’s like those two guys in the Mighty Ducks. Remember the bash brothers? But with less time in the penalty box? Maybe it will be like Batman and Robin. I kind of think Mike is going to be Robin. I’d like to make a Captain Planet reference here, but I’m just not up to it today.
Does it really take TWO players to equal Marco Scutaro? I mean… I dig the Scut, really I do… but the math is fuzzy for me. Is it fuzzy for you? I get the why. Really, I do. But I still don’t understand the math. I don’t understand why we couldn’t unlock Lackey. Or Dice-K. Or a plethora of other money sucking black holes. And I really, really, really don’t understand why we care about luxury taxes. Or taxes in general. Aren’t our wallets supposed to be endless? Maybe you could sell your yacht, John Henry.
—-
Speaking of strange purchases, Detroit wants Johnny Damon. And Roy Oswalt (who, undoubtedly, they will buy. I have no faith in Sox’s shopping department right now). Fascinating.
—-
In other news, Josh Beckett is listed as the #25 “biggest hothead” in sports. Well. He is pretty hot. I don’t think his hotness is confined to his head…
Newly acquired Vicente Padilla (oh goody) is also on the list– number 19.
Red Sox pitcher Vicente Padilla never met a batter he didn’t want to hit with a baseball; he’s pegged an impressive 106 batters in his career so far.
Vicente, do you take requests?
He also apparently shot himself- accidentally- in 2009. Oh, goody.
A nasty temper and a deadly weapon are an excellent combination.
Oh. This is funny. Apparently he nailed Mark Teixera in consecutive at-bats in 2009.
Does Vicente remind you of anyone?
Good job with the bargain binning, Benny C.
No Yankees made the hothead list. And no Kevin Greggs either.
—-
In other news, Doug Mirabelli isn’t even PLAYING and he’s winning. So maybe we should snatch him up too. Why the frick not? Dougie, want to come home?
—
And, if you want to sigh an audible awwwwww at work today, read this.
~L
Johnny Damon? Seriously? We’re talking about this? I blame YOU, Nick Cafardo.
(WARNING. The following post contains multiple, gag-inducing pictures of a jackass)
“There’s no way I can play for the Yankees, but I know they’re going to come after me hard. It’s definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It’s not what I need.” ~Johnny Rotten.
That was after winning a World Series. Remember? Oh, you know, I think he said something else after ANOTHER World Series… what was it… what was it… oh. Right.
“This is the greatest organization I’ve ever played for.” “Winning a world championship in New York is the most amazing thing I’ve experienced.” “I’ve always been a Yankee.” “No matter what happens in my career, I’ll always have this.”
See. I think that makes you a jackass, Johnny Damon. But not everyone agrees with me…
Alas, Bleacher Report. Our alliance was too good to be true. You go and print this filth:
Why not bring back Johnny Damon to start the season in right field?
Really, Bleacher Report? Really? You are going to force me to answer that moronic excuse for a question????
Let’s take away the fact that he’s old and gets taken down by fake grass. Let’s take away the fact that he’s been passed around to more teams than… than… well…
Oh, and the fact that he’s a complete, egocentric jackass (can we take that away? Can we fit that through the door, guys?) who writes his own praises on, perhaps, the LAMEST personal website in an ever…
He is the biggest whiner in baseball!!!!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE NOT SEE THAT???
Seriously. I think I do a gooooood job of documenting every time he whines. Do an archive search on my site. Go ahead. And I don’t get all of them. EVERY TIME he is in Boston, he says something snarky. EVERY TIME he plays Boston- he says something snarky. EVERY TIME he’s given an opportunity, he says something snarky. He is a bigger media whore than Curt Schilling. And he’s supposed to be busy. You know. PLAYING BASEBALL. And when he’s not being snarky, he’s acting all whimpery and hurt. Puh-leeze. Go blow your nose on your money, JD and leave the media out of it.
So, let’s take a September Soxsplosion team that’s disheartened and, let’s face it, whiny (how else would you describe the “unnamed sources'” state of mind?). And let’s add a whiner so weepy that he makes Andy Dick’s character on News Radio look attractive.
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE FENWAY PARK BLOW UP????????
The REALLY scary thing? There’s a poll. And, as of 10:53 a.m. today, 54.8 percent of Soxies say they’d welcome him BACK.
WHAT AM I MISSING? Is 54.8 percent of America on crack cocaine?
Seriously. Someone tell me when we decided to forgive the Idiot? Because I didn’t get that memo.
John Lackey doesn’t get a free pass for his jackassishness, and he still proudly wears the uniform. Johnny Damon??? Really???
Someone explain this using bullet points, please.
The reality is, Johnny Damon knows Boston. He knows the city, the fans and the ballpark.
Really?
Because he was “surprised” at the fan reaction to his Stankee switch.
And he was “surprised” to hear boos upon returning to the park that let him grow his hair out.
Does that sound like a guy who knows the fans?
Or do quotes like-
You’re welcome for ’04. You’re welcome for making it fun again over there.
Make him sound like an egotistical jerkwad with a hankering to whine? You tell me, America.
Seriously, Red Sox. You have pissed us off enough over the past year. You really want to throw Johnny Damon at us NOW? Not a good plan, guys. And Benny C- I don’t think you’re that stupid.
Johnny, go back to Tampa and leave us alone.
~L
Curt Schilling talks too much for HOF. Pedro doesn’t talk ENOUGH. Oh. And some jackass likes Johnny Damon.
Bah. Day fifteen bazillion of crutches. Let’s call today the WORST day. I am at a meeting right now. It is HORRRRRRIBLE.
It’s so horrible that I am sitting here looking at Red Sox news. Okay. So I do that on the occasional not-horrible meeting. Whatev. Can we just be in agreement that my time would be better served blowing on cement to help it dry quicker?
—
In today’s news, people are already talking 2013 HOF ballot– a ballot that could have juice king Roger Clemens. It could also have Curt Schilling.
In complete opposition to my headline (I’m still mad at Curt for certain September comments), anytime a Soxy makes the HOF I’m excited. So, go Curt. What are your thoughts? Curt a HOF contender? Or should he first master the quiet game?
—-
In other news- better news- much, much, much better news- PEDRO MARTINEZ WAS ON THE RADIO TODAY! The gods themselves rejoiced.
AND- he talked about… VERLANDER’S MVP. I LOVE you, Pedro.
Pedro. You are so classy. Would you like Ben Cherington’s job?
Or… um… you know… a spot on a rotation… say…. OURS?
I was never approached by the Red Sox. I actually thought about maybe going back and trying to do something. I knew that they needed someone. But I have a hard time leaving the lifestyle that I’ve chosen now. Leaving the family wasn’t going to be easy. Even if it was the Red Sox, I was going to have a hard time leaving my family.
But… but… but… WE are your family, Pedro! WE ARE.
My favorite comment Pedro made came from a discussion on steroids-
…when I was in Triple-A, I was told that I was too small, that I was too fragile to pitch in the big leagues in the Dodgers organization. Back then, I felt tempted. One of my teammates said, ‘I have a doctor, if you want to go and get a shot and get whatever and get big…’ He never gave me details. I asked him what would happen. How would that work? He specifically said that there are certain areas of a man that will get damaged. As soon as he said that, I said, ‘No. There’s no way that I will go for that.’
I love you, Pedro. Like, love you-love you. Like, on the Yes, No or Maybe boxes- you’d be a YES. Every. Single. Time.
—-
In less lovable news, some jackass named Sid thinks we should re-sign Johnny Damon. I’d rather eat this table.
Some jackass named Nick thinks it’s a great idea:
I bolded the parts that made me snort. Audibly. In this meeting.
Feel free to be as sarcastic as possible in the comments.
~L
A Too Soxy EMERGENCY! Vote, people!
Blog bud FDA just alerted me to a matter of national importance. Red Sox national importance, that is.
There’s a poll. A POLL, people! About a Carlton Fisk moment and a Johnny Damon moment.
Rally the nation.
It’s Boston’s Greatest Sports Moment Tournament!
Vote for Fisk or GET OFF MY BLOG.
This one kind of hurts, actually. I wasn’t born in 1975. But I was a college sophomore in 2004. And I remember very clearly how I felt about that slam. I remember being in the lobby of my dorm room with my boyfriend, a boyfriend who was on a computer doing something computery. I remember very clearly, see, because, in my excitement of jumping on an old dorm sofa, I knocked it over and ended up doing this really classy backflip. I was wearing my “Go Johnny, Go” t-shirt, see. And my husband at the time (JD) didn’t disappoint. Oh, the way his hair flopped around when he turned those bases…
(warning, Peter, prep your gag reflex)
It was amazing.
And then, 2005 rolled around.
Rolled around. Clobbered us. And… And… well… the divorce. And the bitter, bitter custody battle. The one where, to keep the peace, I just burned your t-shirts in a barrel outside a bar in Morganton, North Carolina… You can keep the cloth, but you can never keep custody of my hopes and dreams!!!!!
Um. Or someone. Someone did that. Um… Is that illegal? Probably. Um.
He got custody of all those moments. Moments like that grand slam that gave me this horrific shoulder bruise.
Moment gone.
Tainted.
Gone.
I’m okay. It was six years ago people. I’m okay… I mean. Divorce is a part of life. You move on. YOU MOVE ON. I have Kevin Youkilis now. I have Kevin Youkilis and DL or no DL, he is in the lineup of our HEARTS.
sigh.
L
PS- I just… (yeah, kind of out of it) caught wind of Miami troubles. Are you guys reading about this? They could get a “death sentence?” I had a weird and entirely un-relay-able convo with our sports director about this. I’m more confused that I was from the original story…
Just breathe…
Trades. I’ve thought a lot about this. And I have decided to just breathe deeply and trust the following quote from Clay Buchholz:
“We’re pretty solid at just about every position,” Buchholz said.
Everything happening now? Just tweaking.
Yeah. So there are some upgrades that could be made in right field. But as we are now- we’re a winning team. We’re solid. Peter is right. No need to stress. Now is the time for breathing. Deeply and calmly. For being very zen. For being so zen that Seattle freaks out and needs more coffee. You know what? I need more coffee to maintain my zenness. One sec.
“I think we could definitely win all the way to the end with this group of guys,” reliever Daniel Bard said. “I don’t think we need anyone. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t help by adding guys, but I don’t think we necessarily need anything.”
“I think it’s too early to get too cocky about it. But I can tell you that without the injuries and all the (stuff) that we’ve always got to go through, I’ll take my chances with this ballclub.” ~David Ortiz.
You know what? Me too.
Ah… coffee…
~L
————–
PS- More Johnny Damon press blabbing. He’s STILL talking about HOF uniforms. Like A) He’s getting in and B) he has an actual choice over what jersey he would wear and C) Boston actually wants him.
For such a humble guy (<-sarcasm), he sure does talk about this a lot…
PSS- Jon Lester has a blog. Am I the only person who didn’t know this? It is here.
I mean, we all know Curt Schilling has a blog. Who else has a blog? Seriously? Tell me Kevin Youkilis has a blog…
Yuck. Double yuck. A quick mid-day rant.
WARNING (in honor of PETER). The following image is cringe worthy. While TOOSOXY does not condone the use of illegal and harmful substances, we DO recommend you have an anti-nausea drug like Pepto-Bismal or its generic equivalent on hand when viewing the following image. Okay. Ready? Here it is:
Johnny Damon is on someone’s “Most Likeable Players” list. No. Really. He is. Click here and see.
Dissect this description for me, will you:
Nevvvvver whined. I’m sure that pouty, “You’re welcome for making it fun again” comment was an oversight. Remember that time he made a big deal out of saying he would not HOF it in a Sox uniform? You know, Cooperstown A) doesn’t work like that and B) doesn’t want him? Standing on a metaphorical street with metaphorical heels, shaking his ass and pleading for the media to come get some? (I just called him a media whore. You caught that, right?)
Poor dear. Forced to play for pinstripes and swim in cash. Too much money to spend, what will he do? (I know! Make a website!)
I’m going to stop. Because this is too ridiculously easy. And this is giving him more media attention. You know. The kind he whines for. Every. Other. Fricking. Day. But please, feel free to dissect this yourself in the comments. I encourage it.
AND- there is a blogger out there already thinking about Youkilis leaving the Sox. As the future Mrs. Youkilis, I am incensed.
So, clearly, I do not like this Middlebrooks guy. How dare he excel in Youk’s possible stead? Curses. Let’s send him away. Send him away, I say!
Youkilis is going to stay forever, see. He will reside with us always and be the Tek to our third base. The Wake to our lineup. The spring in our step?
HEWILLBEHEREFOREVERSHUTUP.
For an off day, there’s quite a lot to get stewed over.
~L
What did Lackey do now? Oh, and Joe Maddon says crazy things.
I’m genuinely asking. I have no idea. I toooottttaallllyyyy missed the game Saturday. Totally and completely. And I see THIS link about Lacko (no?) “showing up” Tito?
What the frick?
HB gives us a clue in today’s Soxaholix…
—
Oh, and apparently Bucky shared the crazy juice with Joe Maddon:
Really? That’s your takeaway from LOSING? Because that’s what you did, Joe. You lost. You lost to… JOHN LACKEY. And virtually all of our other pitchers yesterday. Oh, and JOHN LACKEY.
“That’s a tough loss,” Johnny Damon said.
Speaking of the idiot, there’s ANOTHER article out there saying JD could reach HOF.
No.
That is all.
~L
PS-
Just when you thought it was safe to take out your earplugs…
Just when you thought the tears had dried up…
Just when you thought the whining was over…
They’re BAAAAAACCCKKKK….
Damn it.
(It’s like this, only in a ballpark and not a chapel. Oh, and without the talent. You heard me. I said it. What are you going to do? Eject me? Hit me with a rock too?)
—–
PS. No more Miller High Life. Seriously, people. NO MORE. They’re paying off Schmuck’s IRS bill. See?
Schmucks always fricking prosper. Right, David Price?
Well, we can’t keep players from selling their balls (hah). But we can keep people from drinking Miller High Life. Seriously. Bat it out of friends’ hands if you have to. But Miller High Life needs to know that America is tired of Schmucks being rewarded! Never surrender!
Too Soxy for my Shirt 