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Posts Tagged ‘Tigers’

The baseball old folks’ home preps to add a few. Will require annex for Posada’s ego.

January 24, 2012 1 comment

J.D. Drew is “probably” retiring, reports today indicate. Despite the mad flurry of Drew-hate peppering the nation over the past two years, I’ve never had a huge problem with you, J.D. I find your breakability irritating. I find your inconsistency mind-numbing (but attribute it to your breakability). But I remember the real you, J.D. I can still remember your home run pops and that cool indifferent reaction to your own badassishness. You’ll finish your career with a respectable 242 homers and my respect, sir.

You were very, very expensive. I mean. I don’t want to nitpick. But you were very. VERY. Expensive. I loved you in 2007. But I loved everyone in 2007 (mostly). I mean, you’re no Kevin Youkilis, J.D. Drew, but you can afford a Kevin Youkilis beard implant, if you want. I mean, you did average like, $8 million a year for 14 years. That’s even more impressive than those 242 homers. I hope you can use your retirement to… I don’t know… take vitamins or something.

In addition to the hefty salary, Drew’s inability to stay completely healthy contributed to the stigma that he was overrated. He never appeared in more than 146 games in a season and averaged just 470 plate appearances per campaign from 1999-2011.

But, in the words of Marc Antony, I come to honor you. Not pick you apart flaw by expensive flaw. But I think you need to retire. I think you need to retire. And up those fricking Flintstones because every time you break, angels cry.

—-

In “whatever” retirement news, Jorge Posada officially announced his retirement today.

I am devastated. Really.

Just when my Posada verb was catching on.

Just when people were starting to say “Go Posada yourself” when they were cut off in traffic.

Just when “I don’t give a Posada whether you take my lunch money. You’ll never take my self respect,” was the new “it” phrase to thwack bullies with…

YOU RETIRE?

Seriously?

Quitter.

“I could never wear another uniform,” Posada said at a televised Yankee Stadium news conference.

Literally. Didn’t you… um… try? And then have absolutely no success? Because no other uniforms would take you? You really Posada-ed yourself with that temper tantrum over the summer, mate.

Our very own Jason Varitek (possibly the next name on the plaque in front of the old folks retirement home) even had a comment. But he’s old too. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.

“After hundreds of head-to-head games during the regular season and the postseason, I can’t say I respect and admire anyone at our position more than I do Jorge. The hard work and preparation he put into catching is a huge reason he has five championships on his resume. He is a true grinder.”

—-

As for the Tek (we alllllll know my Tek obsession. I won’t give you a double dose)-

Captain Jason Varitek, still looking to come back with the Red Sox, is figuring out what his next step will be, according to a source close to him.

It seems to me that dragging this out is helping no one, guys. He’s the captain. Show him a little more respect than arbitrary offers. Get real or get him coaching. ASAP.

I’m 27. And I’ll retire at age like, 97 at this rate.

So. Um.

Wow. That’s depressing.

I need a moment, guys…

~L

PS- The bulk of the emails I have been receiving today are in regards to my Tim Thomas comments. If that’s why you’re here, find those comments here and here.

And if you have a comment on ANYTHING you see here today, feel free to shoot me a buzz at ohnolauren@gmail.com. I LOVE e-mails. Like LOVE e-mails more than Posada loves his rings.

—-

Side note- $214 million? NINE years? Um. Okay. I don’t want Prince Fielder anymore. Um.

Timmy disses the president. And apparently likes Glenn Beck.

January 23, 2012 6 comments

In random news- the midday to your Monday- our own goalgod Tim Thomas did NOT accompany the Bruins to the White House. Because Tim Thomas does NOT want to meet the president.

In further proof that no one is perfect- he clarifies that it’s not a case of the sniffles. Nope. He’s skipping out on the leader of the free world for “political reasons.” Insert eye roll here.

And, in 2012 fashion, Tim plans to release a statement on Facebook (really? REALLY? at 6 p.m.).

Okay. Tim. You know I love you. I do.

But swallow the ego. Seriously. Swallow it.

REALLY, Timmy???? REALLY? What political comment could you posssssibbbllyyyyy be expressing?

Make a comment. Don’t make a comment. I don’t care. But please don’t think this is important enough to schedule a statement. And please don’t do it via FACEBOOK.

I’m giving you a free pass on this one because, well, you gave me the Stanley Cup. But I’m quirking my brow at your picture and mouthing out “Oh REALLY?” right now.

And I promise I won’t care any more at 6 p.m.

Thomas, a known fan of conservative talk show host Glenn Beck, won both the Vezina and Conn Smyth last season, breaking the single-season record for save percentage and leading the Bruins to their first Stanley Cup victory in 39 years.

A  KNOWN fan? I didn’t know that. Did you know that?

Oh, Timmy…

I saw Glenn Beck CRY on stage while reading a Christmas story, Tim.

Seriously. You don’t have to vote for him. But he doesn’t have leprosy (that’s Ryan Braun). You can shake the guy’s hand, Tim. You’re “one of two Americans on the roster.” Your hand won’t fall off. I promise. I have shaken Obama’s hand four times now. And I still have all of my fingers.

At least Tim won’t be suspended.

In I-don’t-really-give-a-frick news, we’re in talks with Cody Ross. I mean. I guess I give a frick. I mean… wikipedia says he’s well-liked.

Ross has become a very popular player in San Francisco, earning the nickname “Ross the Boss” for his timely and sometimes powerful hitting, and above average fielding skills.

But re-read that. “sometimes powerful hitting.” “Above average fielding skills.”

Remember when we used to sign someone and the article said “extraordinary?”

Roy Oswalt has officially turned down the Tigers. So, rumor has it… he could be wearing Red Sox.

Oh. And in news that should surprise no one- Jorge Posada. Retiring. Official. It’s happening tomorrow. I am devastated by this (really). Because I think my Posada verb was just catching on. And now it has no chance. Jorge Posada really Posada-ed me on this. Go Posada yourself, Jorge.

And in roll-your-eyes news. I read that Sox Judas, Johnny Damon “really” wants to play for the Yankees. Okay, America. Roll your eyes.

~L

The quest for Nomahhhh. Oh, and Vicente might shoot us. With a gun.

January 23, 2012 5 comments

The quest for a new Nomahhhhhh-

It’s dominating the painnnnnnfffulllllyyyyyy boring headlines (if you can call them that) of Sox nation today, as we mourn the passing of Scutaro and quirk our confuzzled eyes at our roster. Seriously. Boston short stop=Spinal Tap drummer.

The kryptonite Nomar Garciaparra left behind when he was traded in mid-2004 has lost none of its potency in 71⁄2 years. Saturday night’s trade of shortstop Marco Scutaro to the Colorado Rockies for $6 million in salary relief — and, don’t forget, pitcher Clayton Mortensen — once again put the spotlight on the Sox’ curiously consistent inability to groom Nomar’s heir.

Other than giving the Herald’s Michael Silverman‘s inner child the chance to use words like “kryptonite,” not much is new.

That’s kind of the story of this off season: Nothing new, folks. Enjoy the cheese plate.

Nick Punto and Mike Aviles are going to tag team shortstop. So. Um. Apparently it takes two to make one Nomar. I hope it’s like those two guys in the Mighty Ducks. Remember the bash brothers? But with less time in the penalty box? Maybe it will be like Batman and Robin. I kind of think Mike is going to be Robin. I’d like to make a Captain Planet reference here, but I’m just not up to it today.

Does it really take TWO players to equal Marco Scutaro? I mean… I dig the Scut, really I do… but the math is fuzzy for me. Is it fuzzy for you? I get the why. Really, I do. But I still don’t understand the math. I don’t understand why we couldn’t unlock Lackey. Or Dice-K. Or a plethora of other money sucking black holes. And I really, really, really don’t understand why we care about luxury taxes. Or taxes in general. Aren’t our wallets supposed to be endless? Maybe you could sell your yacht, John Henry.

—-

Speaking of strange purchases, Detroit wants Johnny Damon. And Roy Oswalt (who, undoubtedly, they will buy. I have no faith in Sox’s shopping department right now). Fascinating.

—-

In other news, Josh Beckett is listed as the #25 “biggest hothead” in sports. Well. He is pretty hot. I don’t think his hotness is confined to his head…

Newly acquired Vicente Padilla (oh goody) is also on the list– number 19.

Red Sox pitcher Vicente Padilla never met a batter he didn’t want to hit with a baseball; he’s pegged an impressive 106 batters in his career so far.

Vicente, do you take requests?

He also apparently shot himself- accidentally- in 2009. Oh, goody.

A nasty temper and a deadly weapon are an excellent combination.

Oh. This is funny. Apparently he nailed Mark Teixera in consecutive at-bats in 2009.

Does Vicente remind you of anyone?

Good job with the bargain binning, Benny C.

No Yankees made the hothead list. And no Kevin Greggs either.

—-

In other news, Doug Mirabelli isn’t even PLAYING and he’s winning. So maybe we should snatch him up too. Why the frick not? Dougie, want to come home?

And, if you want to sigh an audible awwwwww at work today, read this.

~L

It’s okay, Giants kid. It could have been worse. The ball could have hit you in the face.

July 20, 2011 5 comments

If he weren’t blatantly wearing a “Giants” sweatshirt, wouldn’t you think this kid’s an O’s fan?

In other news, um… in actual news… the schedule is out for next year- opening against Detroit! Which means coworker Jeff and I will have to draw a line across the office.

Home opener will be against the Rays.

If you buy me a ticket, I’ll even stay at your house!

—–

The internet is full of lively discussions about our Soxies. One that caught my eye: Why is JD Drew still playing for the Sox?

Anyone else think he sort of flew under the radar? He’s inconsistent. When he is good, he is very good. But when he is bad, he is… um… blah.

I don’t know. It’s hard, this transition. From being a JD Drew apologist to starting to see merit in the discussion…

Bill Ballou of the Worcester Telegram says there are a few reasons Drew’s still in the lineup:

Money is one reason. Even though Drew’s contract is almost up, the Sox still hope for one final hot month out of him to help them win in 2011. And I can’t imagine Reddick won’t take over in right field starting with this homestand when Ortiz’ suspension is done with. Drew’s career has, indeed, been a history of unfulfilled potential. It’s an interesting business, since he has made about as much money not fulfilling that potential as he would have had his career been as good as expected.

Thoughts? Is he really THAT bad? Can’t we put him the okay plus category?

—-

Bad news. ESPN says it’s likely we will not get Beltran.

So, if Beltran’s out, who is your ideal add? I hesitate to put any temps on the roster. I’d like more in-it-for-the-long-haul guys. No more Jason Bay heartbreakers.

Here’s a vote for Erik Bedard.

Here’s a vote for D-Lowe.

Thoughts?

oh. We won, btw. 4-0. How do you like them apples, Showalter?

~L

It’s okay guys. Youk will be back today.

May 26, 2011 6 comments

I know you were all pacing in the waiting rooms of your hearts. But Tito assures us that our favorite Kevin Youkilis WILL be back. You can stop chewing your fingernails, FDA. And we need him. I mean, two whole runs against us yesterday! It was chaos!

Is it possible to type sarcasm?

Speaking of sarcasm… Deeeeeeetroit.

My coworker’s most favorite-upon-favorite tigers. About to be poached.

Get it? Because they’re tigers? And… um… people poach tigers? Like that one time in “The Jungle Book?” Not the cartoon, but the other “Jungle Book.” Was Cary Elwes in that? I get my actors confused. But that kind of poaching. Not the egg kind of poaching. Even though, boiling them is an appropriate metaphor. Because they’ll be boiled tigers. What a scary soup.

Guess how much sleep I’ve had?

Not enough to go into witty detail about how those cats will be declawed. And not enough to think that what I just said WASN’T HILARIOUS.

So if you could cover for me with your own trash talking, that would be swell. And I know you anti-Detroitees out there can come up with something better than, “Tigers, prepare to be declawed.” Well, maybe. Because that’s gold, people. Trash talking GOLD.

So, Soxies, whatcha got? Game’s at 1 p.m. So start trashin’.

—-

PS: Aceves… don’t let me down, baby.

CF Ellsbury <- Is going to steal ALL the bases. It will be more eventful than a mall day with Winona and Li-Lo.
2B Pedroia<- 🙂 Read this and feel great about the Destroy-a.
1B Gonzalez <-A cycle. Today.
3B Youkilis <- See? Not just a lovely, lovely dream…
DH Ortiz <- Is going to make them wet their wittle uniforms. With fear.
LF Crawford <- Growing on us. Almost got a cycle. Has a great attitude. DOES ACTUALLY HIT SOMETIMES. Kid’s alright.
SS Sutton <- Um. Did something yesterday? So. Um. Okay. Read a good article about him HERE.
RF Reddick <-Um. Whatever. Pawtuckett recall, eh… I learned more about Reddick HERE.
C Varitek <- AWESOME