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Posts Tagged ‘Tim Thomas’

The baseball old folks’ home preps to add a few. Will require annex for Posada’s ego.

January 24, 2012 1 comment

J.D. Drew is “probably” retiring, reports today indicate. Despite the mad flurry of Drew-hate peppering the nation over the past two years, I’ve never had a huge problem with you, J.D. I find your breakability irritating. I find your inconsistency mind-numbing (but attribute it to your breakability). But I remember the real you, J.D. I can still remember your home run pops and that cool indifferent reaction to your own badassishness. You’ll finish your career with a respectable 242 homers and my respect, sir.

You were very, very expensive. I mean. I don’t want to nitpick. But you were very. VERY. Expensive. I loved you in 2007. But I loved everyone in 2007 (mostly). I mean, you’re no Kevin Youkilis, J.D. Drew, but you can afford a Kevin Youkilis beard implant, if you want. I mean, you did average like, $8 million a year for 14 years. That’s even more impressive than those 242 homers. I hope you can use your retirement to… I don’t know… take vitamins or something.

In addition to the hefty salary, Drew’s inability to stay completely healthy contributed to the stigma that he was overrated. He never appeared in more than 146 games in a season and averaged just 470 plate appearances per campaign from 1999-2011.

But, in the words of Marc Antony, I come to honor you. Not pick you apart flaw by expensive flaw. But I think you need to retire. I think you need to retire. And up those fricking Flintstones because every time you break, angels cry.

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In “whatever” retirement news, Jorge Posada officially announced his retirement today.

I am devastated. Really.

Just when my Posada verb was catching on.

Just when people were starting to say “Go Posada yourself” when they were cut off in traffic.

Just when “I don’t give a Posada whether you take my lunch money. You’ll never take my self respect,” was the new “it” phrase to thwack bullies with…

YOU RETIRE?

Seriously?

Quitter.

“I could never wear another uniform,” Posada said at a televised Yankee Stadium news conference.

Literally. Didn’t you… um… try? And then have absolutely no success? Because no other uniforms would take you? You really Posada-ed yourself with that temper tantrum over the summer, mate.

Our very own Jason Varitek (possibly the next name on the plaque in front of the old folks retirement home) even had a comment. But he’s old too. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.

“After hundreds of head-to-head games during the regular season and the postseason, I can’t say I respect and admire anyone at our position more than I do Jorge. The hard work and preparation he put into catching is a huge reason he has five championships on his resume. He is a true grinder.”

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As for the Tek (we alllllll know my Tek obsession. I won’t give you a double dose)-

Captain Jason Varitek, still looking to come back with the Red Sox, is figuring out what his next step will be, according to a source close to him.

It seems to me that dragging this out is helping no one, guys. He’s the captain. Show him a little more respect than arbitrary offers. Get real or get him coaching. ASAP.

I’m 27. And I’ll retire at age like, 97 at this rate.

So. Um.

Wow. That’s depressing.

I need a moment, guys…

~L

PS- The bulk of the emails I have been receiving today are in regards to my Tim Thomas comments. If that’s why you’re here, find those comments here and here.

And if you have a comment on ANYTHING you see here today, feel free to shoot me a buzz at ohnolauren@gmail.com. I LOVE e-mails. Like LOVE e-mails more than Posada loves his rings.

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Side note- $214 million? NINE years? Um. Okay. I don’t want Prince Fielder anymore. Um.

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Cody Ross. Your kids’ names are cool.

January 24, 2012 3 comments

I’d like to take a break from the Cody Ross-as-a-player fan van, and point out that, according to wikipedia, his kids have cool names: Haven Leigh and Hudson. Okay, Cody Ross. Okay.

Back to the fan van- it’s official (I’m using a Fox News link just for you, Tim Thomas).

Cody Ross agreed to sign with the Boston Red Sox, giving them an experienced hitter with postseason success on his resume to help replace J.D. Drew in right field.

Is experienced another word for old?

31-years-old. You know. In a few weeks, I’ll be 28. So yeah. 31 is old, alright.

Ross was the MVP in the 2010 Championship Series. That’s great! Oh. It was the National Championship League Series. Hmmm. Guess it doesn’t count…

In Game 3 of the World Series he hit the first home run off Colby Lewis.

Okay. Okay.

I’m going to be positive about this. I mean, I don’t know if he was worth the bank to put an Oswalt acquisition in jeopardy. You know. Since everyone’s saying we got rid of the Scut for, you know, Oswalt…

But. Okay.

Oh, goody, kids… he has a fan blog! We can have fun with this. I can’t wait to see what Cody Ross fans have to say about… oh. Zero comments, Cody Ross blog? Damnit, Cody Ross blog, you are disappointing.

It’s okay, Cody Ross. You’re in the nation now. We’re much louder than what you’re used to. Might want to leave that off-the-boat-wide-eyed-thing in Arizona.

Here’s something interesting. He’s from Carlsbad, New Mexico and went to high school with his wife.

Cody’s favorite player is Ken Griffey Jr., who he named his dog after. Cody had the unlucky luck to go on the DL just after getting traded from L.A. to the Reds. While on the DL, guess who else was on DL? Yep, Cody got to work out with Griffey Jr. while they were “healing”. Now there’s a dream come true.

Um. Okay.

So. Um. We both have dogs.

Um.

Why can’t we make a move that I could be actually excited about? You know, and not wikipedia-ing for fake excitement?

~L

PS- SOME PEOPLE sure get excited about this guy…

Um…

Tim Thomas hosts a Tea Party on his Facebook page.

January 23, 2012 7 comments
I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.
This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.
Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.
This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

Can we just all stick to sports? Timmy. Tebow. Irritating things happen when we don’t stick to sports, people.

And- just my opinion, Timmy- but, regardless of politics, you shake the president’s hand. I’m not too pleased with your Facebook post, but if you were here, I’d shake your hand. Or. You know. Hug you. Or … um… whatever. So. Um. Since you’re not at the White House… maybe you could head to North Carolina?

No presidents here!

~L

Timmy disses the president. And apparently likes Glenn Beck.

January 23, 2012 6 comments

In random news- the midday to your Monday- our own goalgod Tim Thomas did NOT accompany the Bruins to the White House. Because Tim Thomas does NOT want to meet the president.

In further proof that no one is perfect- he clarifies that it’s not a case of the sniffles. Nope. He’s skipping out on the leader of the free world for “political reasons.” Insert eye roll here.

And, in 2012 fashion, Tim plans to release a statement on Facebook (really? REALLY? at 6 p.m.).

Okay. Tim. You know I love you. I do.

But swallow the ego. Seriously. Swallow it.

REALLY, Timmy???? REALLY? What political comment could you posssssibbbllyyyyy be expressing?

Make a comment. Don’t make a comment. I don’t care. But please don’t think this is important enough to schedule a statement. And please don’t do it via FACEBOOK.

I’m giving you a free pass on this one because, well, you gave me the Stanley Cup. But I’m quirking my brow at your picture and mouthing out “Oh REALLY?” right now.

And I promise I won’t care any more at 6 p.m.

Thomas, a known fan of conservative talk show host Glenn Beck, won both the Vezina and Conn Smyth last season, breaking the single-season record for save percentage and leading the Bruins to their first Stanley Cup victory in 39 years.

A  KNOWN fan? I didn’t know that. Did you know that?

Oh, Timmy…

I saw Glenn Beck CRY on stage while reading a Christmas story, Tim.

Seriously. You don’t have to vote for him. But he doesn’t have leprosy (that’s Ryan Braun). You can shake the guy’s hand, Tim. You’re “one of two Americans on the roster.” Your hand won’t fall off. I promise. I have shaken Obama’s hand four times now. And I still have all of my fingers.

At least Tim won’t be suspended.

In I-don’t-really-give-a-frick news, we’re in talks with Cody Ross. I mean. I guess I give a frick. I mean… wikipedia says he’s well-liked.

Ross has become a very popular player in San Francisco, earning the nickname “Ross the Boss” for his timely and sometimes powerful hitting, and above average fielding skills.

But re-read that. “sometimes powerful hitting.” “Above average fielding skills.”

Remember when we used to sign someone and the article said “extraordinary?”

Roy Oswalt has officially turned down the Tigers. So, rumor has it… he could be wearing Red Sox.

Oh. And in news that should surprise no one- Jorge Posada. Retiring. Official. It’s happening tomorrow. I am devastated by this (really). Because I think my Posada verb was just catching on. And now it has no chance. Jorge Posada really Posada-ed me on this. Go Posada yourself, Jorge.

And in roll-your-eyes news. I read that Sox Judas, Johnny Damon “really” wants to play for the Yankees. Okay, America. Roll your eyes.

~L

Terry Francona on ice skates and other serious business

June 16, 2011 5 comments

With eyes off the ice (if you didn’t see our glory, I recapped it Carolina style HERE and you can read ALL about those classy Canucks fans HERE and HERE), Boston turns its hungry eyes to the mound, aiming to wear a different type of skate.

The fishy kind.

The no-good, stingerless, Damon-harboring, Manny-chasing, Tropicana swigging Tampa Crampahs.

See, while Tim Thomas was kicking ass and we were prepping our gullets for Stanley Cup champagne yesterday, the Beckster was holding down the fort, guerrilla style.

Not that fort. THIS FORT. Google Image Search, you always take me so seriously.

While you and yours were screaming, “THOMASSSSSS!” and “EAT IT, LAPIERRE! EAT IT WITH GRAVY!”

Josh Beckett was doing this all over Tropicana Field.

Metaphorically, of course. If Josh Beckett was a REAL ninja, the NESN cameras would not have caught the greatness. Of course… um… everyone was kind of watching hockey. So no one saw him be a badass. Which is like a REAL ninja.

And it was great.

Beckett shut the Rays down in a ONE HIT wonder.

With help from my most favoritist Kevin Youkilis.

With a THREE RUN HOMERUN EXTRAVA-FRICKING-GANZA.

And, Tampa, we’re about to hampah your style once again. Ray chowdah anyone?

Speaking of skates, did you know that Terry Francona has been in them?

Speaking of weird things- the writing could be on the wall for Wake, as Miller is officially part of the rotation.

But that’s depressing. We don’t do depressing today. At least not in cyber-Boston.

Isn’t Boston grand?

~L

PS- Here is honest to god proof that women are better baseball fans.

And here is a link about how classy we are. Here is a TMZ link about how classy they are.

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Depressed hockey’s over?

Click here. I promise this will cheer you up.

Need more?

Alain has the perfect prescription. Crow.

“At the end of the day, you have to give credit where credit is due,” Vigneault commented. “Boston played a real strong game. They got great goaltending and they were able to score a couple of tough goals around our net and they deserved to win.”

So, Bruins fans, ignore ignorant haters and drink your champagne. You’ve earned it. And join us in staring down Tampa.

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On a serious note, I’m genuinely disgusted that a ridiculously stupid minority is ruining the Vancouver experience. It looks like this happened in 1994 with the Rangers win. It looks like a pattern. But it’s a pattern in the minds of a select few stupid people. Not the city of Vancouver.

Vancouver is seriously one of the most beautiful places in the world. It is probably in my top three favorite cities. It’s a city I would love to live in (not the hockey team. But, you know), complete with beautiful buildings, views and people. Ever since trekking to visit family in the Pacific Northwest years ago, I’ve had living there on my wish list.

Please do not lump the entire city in with the jerks running around in teargas, k? I promise you it’s an extremely small minority and that Vancouver joins you in your disgust for these riots. I’ve spoken to friends today in Vancouver (all of whom are okay) who are just embarrassed at what is becoming an international gag-inducer.

We all know this is something that can happen anywhere. Don’t be naive. There are stupid, classless sportsfans throughout the world. It’s just a shame they had to had their convention in Vancouver.

See, when stuff like this happens, it doesn’t just go against the host city. It goes against everyone who enjoys the sport. It cheapens the fan experience for ALL hockey fans and does more than surface damage. It injures the integrity of hockey, regardless of whether you’re a Bruins fan, a Canucks fan or (god forbid) a Rangers fan.

We ALL lose our credibility when ridiculous things like this happen. I hope the instigators are caught and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. And I hope generalizations can be minimized in the aftermath.

Loved this summation by NPR. Worth the read.

They want to coat our nation in syrup and feed us to a moose herd. Really. I heard it from Michael J. Fox.

June 10, 2011 3 comments

Tonight, the United States, whether we are baseball fans or hockey fans, stand together.

Tonight, we fight Canada!

Cue the Pledge of Allegiance!

Seriously. Why isn’t your hand over your heart? Do you hate America?

Because JoJo Reyes does!

Do it for the troops, Boston!

Those wiley syrup makers are trying to take over, eh! They’ll bring their moose (the size of pickup trucks, I tell you!) and their hats and their bacon and their gravy fries. They’ll put wigs on our lawyers and Nickelback on our radios! Do you like Nickelback? Well, do you, punk?

Tonight… WE FIGHT!

(The author would like to point out that this is in no way representative of how she feels about Canada, a place she’s spent lots of time in, or, more specifically, Vancouver, her dream city, a place where, while she hopes their hockey team loses -and loses violently-, she hopes to retire in someday so she can watch the killer whales from her yacht -she will have a yacht- . She can prove it. She does speak French, after all, and has spent time utilizing this skill in Quebec. She just really, really, really hates your sports teams, Canada. Like, a lot. And she doesn’t actually like Ann Coulter. She is actually terrified of Ann Coulter and thinks she is the praying mantis of America.)

PS- Did you read this? Looks like our Bruins are getting the no-no from management about their apparel…

Gotta disagree with management on this one.