Home > Drunken Live Blogging > Canada, I’m sorry, but we have to take out our Verla-shame on you.

Canada, I’m sorry, but we have to take out our Verla-shame on you.

LIVE BLOG: I’m not just blogging for the Red Sox tonight. I’m blogging for America. So don your American flags and your apple pie (ala mode if it’s heated, now) and join me for tonight’s match up against the evil north.

That’s right- John Farrell’s bringing out the birds.

The blogging will start (and probably more than a few fricks) at 7ish. Expect cursing. Expect beer. And expect videos with carefully constructed sharpie marker illustrations. They are dazzling, I tell you. DAZZLING.

See you at SEVEN? YES???????

Put your game face on. I MEAN it. That does NOT look like your game face!!!!! Canada rolls its eyes at you.

Let’s hope Doubront… um… does something.

No. Not that. A GOOD something.


Dinner. Check.


6:38. An American meal. Of Apple PIE.

6:46. Nervous yet?

6:54. One irritating face has been absent for opening week… JOHNNY DAMON! In fun, pre-game giggle news, Johnny Damon STILL hasn’t signed onto a team- a reality that has Scott Boras baffled. There’s Cleveland talk and the likely possibility that he’ll be teamed by May…

But hilariously out of touch people… you know, the ones who didn’t hear him cry last year at Turf-gate, or whimper at the scary mean Boston fans (lower lip trembling, poor ‘ittle guy), are calling this a MYSTERY. Nick Cafardo just can’t figure out why no one will sign him.

Allow me to Nancy Drew it for you.

1. He is old. 2. He is annoying. 3. His ego won’t fit in your ball park. 4. He is old. 5. the ‘tude. And 6. He is old.

Feel free to sleuth it out in the comments.

6:58. Wish the game would starttttttttttttttttt. I am ready to winnnnnnnnn.


7:01. The intro music, though for Toronto, is eerily appropriate… “..forgiven my mistakes…”

Hope so, kiddies. Hope so.

There is a lot of music in Canada. This intro is quite dramatic.


Really? Jose Bautista? Really?

I mean. Um.


Oh. Now he’s getting his silver slugger award.

Were his ears always that big?

Oh no. They’re passing out those annoying towels. I hate those things.

This game is going to annoy me.

7:05. Remembering athletes who died. This is depressing. Oh no. The family is crying. Oh no. Why are you doing this to me, baseball? Don’t you know apple pie ALREADY makes me emotional? And the Blue Jays are making a $10k donation in the vics’ names. Wow. That’s nice. I’m sorry in advance for the pain our victory will cause you, Canada. You seemed like a really nice country just now.

Now they are defining the word anticipation. A little unnecessary for those of us who have dictionaries. Don’t you think? And there’s this weird intro where they are stitching a blue jay onto a hat. Weeeeeiiirrrdddddd.

I’m just ready to watch some baseball. Can we, um, do that now, please? Thanks. Now we are watching baseball players run? Or are they dancing? It’s hard to tell, actually. Santos just used the word “swagger.” Josh Morrow says he wants the whole country to watch him. Um. Okay. Seriously, kids. I am going to go get food. And maybe play three games of monopoly on my iPhone. I bet I have time. LONGEST INTRO EVER. “We can do all the talking we want but…” Apparently.

7:10. They booed us. I think they think they’re going to hurt our feelings. They REALLY booed Jacoby. Clearly, they haven’t been watching. Hi, Pedroia. A-Gonz slow jogs to the lineup. Yep. Is it just me, or was there more clapping at Youk’s name? Oh. That WAS me. Hi, Papi. Hi, Cody Ross. Hi, new boyfriend Ryan Sweeney. Hello, Jarrod Saltalamacchia. And. Um. Mike Aviles… And Felix Doubront. They didn’t even boo you, Felix Doubront. Poor Felix. Not even netting a boo.

While the Blue Jays are stepping out Kennel Club Dog Show style, I really am going to grab food.

7:15. They’re still at it. Hi, John Farrell! I miss you!

Do you think he misses us? I bet he does. Who wouldn’t? Haha. There is like one, lone guy booing the crap out of Bautista.

7:20. Some of the Jays were cutting up during the National Anthem. Kudos to camera man for THAT closeup.

Hi, Michael!!!! It’s going to be okay. Because they are going to win tonight.

Is it just me, or did Dr. Ron Taylor REALLY not care about that first pitch. He just sort of tossed it. I don’t think his expression changed. Um. At all. Remember last year when Pedro threw out that pitch? Sniff. I’m okay.

Maybe the game will start soon!

This intro is longer than the Titanic.


7:30. Maybe there is no game. Maybe this is just an excuse to arm Canadians with hand towels.

Oh! Oh! Oh! There are people on the field! And Jacoby’s icon just went up! That’s something! Does it… Can it… FIRST PITCH! It’s a miracle. Oh. It’s a warm up. But it involves a baseball.

The announcers are on mute or something. By this point, I fully expect MLB.tv screwups. I’m just glad it’s not checkerboarding this year. I do like the Toronto ballpark…

And I do like you, Jacoby. Hi.

I didn’t like that. Grounds out at first. Blatantly. And the fans whip out those towels…

Pedroia is at bat. He’s three and thirteen, as the announcer kindly tells us.

In case you’re keeping count at home, Toronto announcers have mentioned that the sox are now 0 and 3. THREE times.

Alvarez just tried to kill Pedroia, but missed. I heard Alvarez is like seven years old or something. Remember when we put out our seven year old, aka: Kyle Weilland?

“Pedroia never gets cheated. He swings hard. Might be one of the best high ball hitters in baseball.” ~Announcer says. Right before he grounds OUT to first. Two outs.

We’re having difficulty pronouncing Adrian Gonzalez in the announcer booth. Gonzalez struck out twice, apparently, at his last Alvarez encounter… good. To. Know. I like it when the announcers are helpful. Gonz slugged 815 against the Jays last year, including 8 homeruns. THANK YOU. I like these announcers. I do. Full Count… It’s okay, though, because Kevin Youkilis is on deck. Not that it matters, because Gonz has struck out. Damn, those towels are annoying.

Hi, FDA. I am glad you are back. I KNOW you are annoyed by those towels. I find them more annoying than our scoreless first, actually. John Farrell knows that, I bet. Because he knows me. I bet he KNEW that the way to incur my wrath was to pass out those towels.

7:40. Bob McClure, our new pitching coach, is, apparently, impressed by Felix Doubront. Okay, then. Let’s see. You are not the only one being judged, Doubront. So is your puppet master. First pitch looked good to me. He has a strange clean cut bubble gum chew thing going on. The announcers cut out again. Fix that, MLB. I am determined to be optimistic about you, Doubront.

Ohno. Now they’re talking about Tek. It’s okay. I won’t cry. Now they’re talking about how Tek taught Salty how to catch. Nice breaking ball. Very dramatic. As long as it’s a strike, Doubront. Doubront reminds me of someone and I can’t place it. He has that jackassy indifference thing that is great when he’s striking them out but will be annoying when he makes horrible mistakes. Full count. This at-bat is taking a long time. Do you think Felix shaves his face like that, or is that just how the hair grows? Ellsbury makes a nice catch to save you from my wrath, Felix. One out.

7:45. I think towels are for swimmers, but that’s just me. Bautista is on deck. I don’t think the guy batting is important. he keeps kicking his knee up like a “fierce” chick on America’s Next Top  Model. Doubront definitely LOOKS like he’s keeping his cool. I miss Pedro. Okay, Doubront. These balls are getting irritating. I mean, 15 pitches for two batters?

OKAY, Felix. A walk? A WALK?

Not cool, Felix. Not cool. Oh good. Jose Bautista is batting. Not exactly the time you want to have a guy at first. On the ground…. And double play. Okay. Very cool. I get it. That was totttttally on purpose to move the game along, right? You almost had me going there, Felix. Into inning 2!

Silly FDA. You know I never move on (PEDRO!).

7:50. Kevin Youkilis grounds out but it shouldn’t count because the announcers weren’t paying attention…

David Ortiz will fix this. Alvarez looks a little shaky. I would too. I don’t care who you are, Papi is fricking scary. Unless you are a kid wanting an autograph. Then he’s a big teddy bear. Oh! Oh! Oh! The Papi clap!

A single! A single! David Ortiz, ladies and gents. I love him so.

Hi, Cody Ross. I want to like you. You’re just so happy. Um. That is NOT your happy face. Um… Wow. What a grimace. Cody… is that really you? Yikes. That’s the foulest face I’ve seen on a sox since Padilla…

Um. Double play. Um.


So. Um. Felix Doubront?

7:55 Hi, Paul!

I think we should have a contest to see who can do the Cody Ross grimace the best.

I don’t know where Jeb is. Probably pillaging.

We have now mentioned the 0 and 3 record in the announcer booth FIVE times.

Come on, Doubront! I believe in you. So does Paul. And FDA. WE believe in you. And that’s all you need, really. Someone to believe in you. Ask Tinkerbell. The cartoon version. Not the lame Julia Roberts version. You don’t have to ask lame Julia Roberts ANYTHING. You could move this game along, though.

NICE catch by my new boyfriend, Ryan Sweeney, for the out.

8 p.m. This is a very long game. Hi, Adam Lind. HURRY BACK, FDA. Tea is much less important than sweet, sweet victory.

TWO OUTS. Brett Lawrie is at bat. I secretly like him a little. Like, not enough to cheer for him. But enough to smile at his pretty face. Okay. That’s over. DESTROY, DOUBRONT. DESTROY.

Well, damn. Single. You were captivated by your crush too, weren’t you, Doubront? It’s not your fault, really. You are forgiven this once. But just this once. Steeeeeerike. Hi, Rajai Davis. You look very young. In the face. Hi, Brett Lawrie. With your juxtaposed clean cut-ness and your nifty tattoos. Stay on first, please.

Focus, Doubront. We have much to do, you and I. We can not be distracted by idle things. If you want to be my favorite pitcher (and this year you have a shot), you better stay FOCUSED and stop hitting on Brett Lawrie. Seriously. You and Brett can get a room after the game if you want. Do you think Brett Lawrie will read this blog?  Salty and Gonz try to catch a foul ball. This is neat, see, because Gonz actually RAN. Total miss. But Gonz actually HUSTLED. No one in the dugout helped. And the announcer commented on that. Ellsbury catches for the third out.

It is never cold in Raleigh, FDA. It’s probably like 111 degrees or something great like that. I love not living on a mountain…

8:08. Top of the third. My new boyfriend is batting. I hope you heard that, Kevin Youkilis. You are still my husband (I can’t quit you), but your recent tryst with a Ms. Brady, coupled by your lack of hitting, has you on thin ice with me, sir. That’s where Ryan Sweeney comes in. Oh. A ground out at first. It’s okay, Ryan Sweeney. You at least look sorry. Apologizing gets you mad points. Hi, Brett Lawrie. Was he looking at me just then?

Hi, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and your switch hitting. The announcer just called you “intriguing.” Yuck. Caught. It’s okay, Salty. Rasmus is such a weird kid. That was a neat catch. I guess.

Mike Aviles. Um. Okay. Maybe he’ll do something really great. Maybe Aviles will be like… a diamond in the rough. Like Aladdin. It could happen. Um. Okay. Clean slate, Aviles. I will seriously forget our history and praise you anew if you can just get on a flipping base. Oh. Swing and a miss. Oh. That was a painful strike too. Oh.

So. Um. Bottom of the third…

8:19. Well. That sucked. A triple. Um. Doubront? You in there?

Crap. Do you think Beckett chickened him? One out. Guy at third. Bah. Bobby V close up. He’s doing this sway thing. He knows. He knows this sucks. And he knows it’s his fault. Bah. Oh no. He’s smiling. Bobby V? Smiling? Really? “Directing the traffic on the infield?” Is it too late for Tito to come back? Do you think he likes his new gig? And John Farrell is watching. This is embarrassing.

And a WALK. Good. So. Um. Two on base now. One out. Good.

Oh. Good. With a dramatic slide, Rasmus scores. Oh.

Doubront has, at least, dropped the jackassy statue stare.

Bobby V has now decided to step outside of the dugout. I think I am just now grasping how irritating Bobby V is to watch.

Tito used to acknowledge suckiness. Remember? But Tito is gone. So really, really this is Larry Lucchino’s fault…

8:25. You’re right, Ellie. We shouldn’t dwell on whose fault it is. My dog is so smart. We should dwell on how we can FIX this problem. Edwin Encarnacion is at bat. Two outs. Can he be the third out? Thanks. It is 1-0. Still. One score is not the end of the world. Please do not be psyched out, Doubront. It’s really not a——

REALLY???? 2-0. This game is crap.


No. It’s April. It’s APRIL.


We’re okay. It’s just one inning. Just two runs.

“John Farrell has already shown us he is thinking about matchups, thinking about…”

Bah. Pay attention to what the announcer is saying, Bobby V. We can ALL learn from our mistakes. Does it count as a mistake when you just don’t do anything?  Because that’s what is taxing about you, Bobby V. You just don’t do anything.

I know, I know, but Lauren! You don’t manage a team!

I do manage, actually. I manage TETRIS. And, when I’m playing TETRIS, and my L-shaped piece comes out upside down, I adjust.

Well, Bobby V, Doubront is UPSIDE DOWN. Hit the fricking space bar, already!!!!!!

Three outs. Fah-fricking-finally.

That’s dangerous, Paul. I mean, it IS only two runs. You don’t want to KNOW how Kyle would fudge that up…

8:32. I texted Jeb and said “FDA is asking about you.” I just got a response. “My girlfriend?”

Oh. It’s Friday, isn’t it? Yikes. I think the boy will be here Friday. Um. I don’t know if we’re at the “he-can-see-my-sox-side-stage” yet…

Two outs that are eye-roll worthy. Gonz is at the bat. He is more fun to watch now that there is a possibility of him actually running.

Dramatic pronouncements? Me? NEVER.

“Off to a rough start so far this  year.”

SHUT UP, announcers. I never liked you.

Hi, Kevin Youkilis. Love. Light. Seriously. FDA, does he look skinnier? Look at his face. His jowls, as it were. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan… but I’d sacrifice hitting power over aesthetics ANY day. Seriously. He’s so pretty today. WHY CAN’T HE HIT????

I do appreciate that the announcer just called Kevin one of the best in baseball. Okay, announcers. I guess we are okay. Oh. A look at Josh Beckett in the dugout. I am sure he is LOVING this game. I am so mad at you, Josh. So mad.

But this is not the time for anger. This is the time for Youkilis. Who I will love. No matter what. She said…

 Jeb and FDA, your love story is going to be so epic that it will become an internet meme and make me famous. I will be invited on the Ellen show and we will dance.

Can you name your first kid Kevin?

FDA! Kevin is my HUSBAND. Get it right.

Hi, Brett Lawrie. Keep your cool, Felix. I know it’s hard staring in the face of Lawrie. He is quite attractive. But if you could just hold on, all the rest of the Blue Jay players are ugly…

One out! Good job. It’s okay, Brett Lawrie. A trip to Raleigh would be worth the hassle…

That was the lamest not-bunt I have ever seen, Davis.

Oh good. Another Beckett closeup. By the way, we have talked about the 0 and 3 record 11 times now.

They just said Beckett got “torched.” Yep. But that was days ago. Literally days.

Doubront knocks another one out.

See? He’s not so bad. I mean… two runs? Wouldn’t be so horrid if… you know… we could hit something…

I am okay with you, Doubront. Right now. At this moment.

Arencibia is at bat and I think I ate too much pie.

Andy Pettitte is pitching in Florida tonight. Has anyone seen how that’s been going? I kind of hope it goes well so we can destroy him later this season.

Dice-K is throwing in Florida too!

And… of course. As always happens, when I praise a pitcher, he WALKS someone.

Really, Felix??? REALLY? Oh. And it’s Rasmus. He looks like he lives under a bridge. A bridge near a river. With frogs or something.

And not a nice bridge. Or a nice river. Like, a crappy bridge. And a crappy river.

He is NOT Uselesssss. I will not have you talk that way, FDA. I will not. I would NEVER talk smack about Derek Lowe.

Rasmus… He looks confused. He didn’t earlier when he got that fricking triple, so don’t fall for it, Doubront. I think he just naturally looks stupefied.

Yeah. I guess it would be silly if we gave our kids the same name, FDA.

Oh no. They just asked Ortiz about chickengate. Because we haven’t heard that enough.


“Yeah, there were some guys having it (chicken) during the game yes but those guys, they wasn’t even in the  game. I’m not saying that what they were doing was the right thing to do, but what I am saying is it wasn’t affecting us on the field.”

He says he doesn’t eat fried chicken re cholesterol- and has lost 20 lbs… Oh. And he’s out. I think the announcers are in love with papi. They keep talking about how good he looks. It’s weird.

Cody Ross, scowling away again.

Base hit down the middle! Now maybe he has something to smile about. Cody, you have such a nice smile. USE IT.

Ryan Sweeney. Hello, boyfriend.

Hi, Steven. You should NEVER go to class when there’s a sox game.

A double! Back to back hits. Love this.

See what happens when you start watching, Steven? Never leave us for class again.

Two outs. Okay. It is fine. Okay.

I still love you, Salty.

Crap. I take back my love for all of you except Ross, Sweeney and Ortiz.

Bostonians also make good creme pie.

FDA, Kevin Youkilis is perfect too. Clearly there is an epic wind in Toronto.

Steven, I have thought about this (For like ten minutes) and I think Aviles is a double agent.

Escoblablah is batting. Doubront is going to take him out. Doubront will take them ALL out. You’ll see. It’s the top of the fifth and I STILL have faith in you, Felix. So does FDA. And Jeb. And Steven. And Paul. And the bazillion trollers my stats indicate I have. We ALL have faith in you. Quick! Somebody flap their arms like that Gordon Levitt kid in Angels in the outfield!

Christopher Lloyd IS watching you. Christopher Lloyd is watching us all.

OUT. See? I told you it would work. I am often right.


A single.


It’s okay. It’s just a single. It’s okay. I mean, it kind of looks like we could have nabbed that. Oh, Doubront just swiped the dirt in dismay. See, I like that. That’s acknowledgment. Pay attention, Beckett. It would make me glare at you less. Oh, Bautista. I can tell, because the annoying towels are back. A rip strike. It looks painful. Maybe he will be in pain. I didn’t mean that…

One out, fifth inning. It is 9:09. I want a salad. I have nothing in my fridge but an empty pie tin.

You know, the blue jay with the maple leaf? It kind of looks like a horrible wound on the bird’s head. Look at that.

Jose is not nearly as much fun to watch as Brett Lawrie.

That looked like a strike to me. Marlon Hudson is making some fudgy calls, if you ask me.

Youkilis catches and kills Bautista. Yay.

I love, by the way, how Salty talked Doubront off the metaphorical ledge just then. That was very Tekky. Sigh. I miss Tek. I’m okay.

I’m expecting my “never forget” bracelet any day now.

Focus, Doubront. It would be nice if you would just retire this guy so we won’t have to look at the blue jays for awhile.

FOCUS. Yes. That is called Focus. Encarnacionicusocus just had a killer strike. Ew. He is a spitter. Ew.

Don’t you know you are on television, Encarnaciocockus? Your mother is watching and she does not want to see you spit. STRIKE THREE. Out. And the inning is ova….

9:16. Those braves are so sweet, thinking of us like that, FDA. We should play hopscotch with them or braid their hair or something.

I miss Jason Bay. His alien face always made me smile.

I like Felix too. I just wish I could like our hitters…

All we have to do is hit THREE TIMES.

That’s it, really. No pressure, JACOBY, but you have done nothing for me. And Alvarez catches your bounce. And you sit down.


Seriously, kids, let’s analyze this Jacoby situation. Did we drain him last year when he was the only one playing? Is that what is going to happen to Papi now that HE is the only one playing?


Pedroia is at bat and the announcers clearly have a crush on him too. If Dustin and Papi stood next to eachother, I think these announcers would pass out.

Seriously. This is weird. They didn’t even talk up Bautista this much.


And THAT is why the world loves you. And these announcers, apparently. Wow, announcers. Really?

I mean… I love him too… but… aren’t you supposed to root for Canada? Pedroia, I am promoting you to PRESIDENT of the those-who-give-a-frick club. PRESIDENT. I wish you were here so I could hug you. Even though, Ellie’s about your size…

DAMNIT, Gonz. The slow jog is back.

You are OUT of the club.

Hi, Youkie. Maybe you SHOULD eat chicken. Maybe that 20lbs you lost is the reason you just popped out…

2-1. I mean, Dustin, you could have done that when people were on the bases. But thank you. Thank you for not making us look ridiculous in Canada. America thanks you. And the announcers want… well… you.


We are in the 6th and Bobby V has put Atchison in. I am actually really excited about this. Not you, Scott, stop smiling inside. I am just excited that, FOR ONCE, you broke your pattern of leaving pitchers in forever until they break and melt into a pile of strikeless goo. Thanks.

Come on, Atchison. Prove that you are not a failure. And by you, I mean the ENTIRE BULLPEN.

Honestly, Doubront was KIND of okay. I mean, you did leave in Beckett FOREVER the other day. Your brain is interesting, Bobby V.

Two balls, two strikes. Oh. Three balls. Two strikes. Oh.

Martin Short is here! Martin Short is here!!!! Who cares about those other two “celebrities?” MARTIN SHORT!

Can he hit?

Okay. Um. We are interviewing people from “Canada’s Got Talent” and not watching the game… um. And not talking to Martin Short. Seriously. If you are going to ignore the game, ignore it for MARTIN SHORT. Not hair chick.

Oh. Martin Short is talking about “Canada’s Got Talent” too. Okay. You can stop talking now.

I don’t even watch “America’s Got Talent.”

Now they are talking about belching instead of watching baseball.

There was a third out. A THIRD OUT? I missed like, ALL of those outs because of a cheap interview promoting “Canada’s Got Talent” where Martin Short wasn’t asked to do ANY impressions or anything. I feel cheated.

Papelpoo is dead to me. DEAD TO ME.

Sigh. I miss the Papeljig.

No I don’t. Yes I do. No I don’t.

We should teach Ryan Sweeney to jig…

Do you think we could buy Brett Lawrie? Just wondering. No reason. No reason at all…

Darren Oliver could be your dad, Alvarez.

Ortiz is 3 for 13 against this guy. Come on, Papi. We need you to get on base. Or better, really. Because the A-Gonz’ slow jog is back. And because Kevin Youkilis is broken. And because we need justice and harmony in this world.

Cody Ross. Apparently, his single did NOT make him happy. I am concerned. I do NOT remember Cody being this stodgy. Do you guys? He was … fun. Would this happen to Brett Lawrie? Would we break him? Because I don’t want that to happen to you, Brett. Stay free… free like that lion on “Born Free.”

What WAS that strike, Cody? Was that an IMPRESSION of a baseball player? Because you certainly weren’t even close. It’s like you were playing charades and the answer is “Julio Lugo.”

Hi, Ryan Sweeney. One on base. So if you could just hit a home run (no pressure), we would be winning. Because it is 2-1. There is one out. So. Um. No pressure…

Seriously? REALLY? David Ortiz????? You don’t steal!!!!!!

THAT is why! You lost twenty pounds. You didn’t gain wheels!

So. Ortiz got caught stealing.

So. Um.

So much for my “all it takes is one hit” strategy, Ryan.

Papi, you need to sit down and THINK about what you just did.

Seriously. WHY?

9:40 p.m. Damn it. really? We can’t hit DARREN OLIVER?

I think Dustin is a good leadoff candidate. Because Jacoby is BROKEN.


It’s okay. It’s OKAY. We need TWO fricking runs. TWO fricking runs. We will find them. SOMEWHERE.

And the first batter is out. That was actually kind of nice. Thanks to PEDROIA. Guys, pay attention. There’s no reason you can’t ALL be Pedroias. We could have a giant team of Pedroia’s. Well, it wouldn’t be giant…

Ellsbury makes an easy catch for out number two.

Atchison is kind of looking like a badass. Thanks for refraining from the chicken.

Oh! They just said 0 and 3 again! That’s 17 times, I think. Oh! 18. 19. Oh! And again! 20.

Last year it was 0 and 6. They’ve said that at least seven times…

That’s for reminding us, announcers. Soooo helpful. I guess it’s either make fun of us or make out with Dustin Pedroia.

Escobaby gets a single. Youkie, that was NOT your fault. Gonz, see how Escoblob actually RUNS? If that had been you, it would have been out number three. You know it. I know it.

Yes. This game SCREAMS Taylor Swift song, FDA. Let me know your selection, and I will put up the video so we can all listen and bemoan our fates together.

Oh! An out!

I think we’re going to be okay, actually. I feel good. I feel good about this game. We just need TWO fricking runs, after all…

Maybe we don’t need Taylor. Yet.

Paul- Atchison for PRESIDENT! I think he can last longer than a closer. Let’s make him bullpen president.

Salty. Hi. It is 9:50. Could you get a home run, please? I am very sleepy.

Hahahaha. Oh, Lawrie. You are even sexy when you super-fail at catching. He really smacked into that camera. I hope it got a good shot of his bicep.

ACK! They just tried to assassinate Saltalamacchia! ACK!

That was so on purpose. I officially hate this guy.

It’s okay, Salty. THAT strike out was not your fault. It’s because he tried to KILL you.

Let’s kill him with our glares, shall we?

I am glad you are still alive, Salty.

Oh. Aviles.


Mike Aviles. Out at first. Yep.


WHO is Taylor Swift? Oh, Paul. You should be so glad I am in your life. Click here. And here. You are welcome.

I like this inning. I do. TWO outs. Eighth inning. Okay. All we need is ONE run in the 9th to keep this going. Just ONE. And we’ll be safe… and sound… like… oh, I don’t know…

Three outs!

10 p.m. Okay. All eyes on the screen. NOW. This is serious. It is even MORE serious than Taylor Swift.





SEE?! See? Dare we dream? Dare we hope?

It hurts so much more when we get like this… hoping…


Oh no. Adrian Gonzalez.

Okay, A-Gonz. You need to run. No. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. RUN. Run like Bobby Valentine is chasing you. Run like I AM CHASING YOU. In a go cart or something so that my speed is more intimidating. You have to do this. You HAVE to do this. For freedom. And mankind. And AMERICA. AND MY SELF ESTEEM.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Pedroia steals third. Oh! Oh! Oh!

I just fell off my bed.

Oh. Okay. Come on, Gonzalez. R-U-N.

But, you know, hit first.

Full count.

And that foul fricking me the fudge out. Frick.

Look what you did. You scared my puppy! She just left the room.


Another foul. And a commercial? A COMMERCIAL?

Yeah, that’s right. Bring it back. Ohholyfrickmotheroffrick…



Bobby V gives him an ass smack and says, “do it pedey!”

Suddenly, Bobby V doesn’t look so bad and I-

Holy frick-We are. We are going to win. We’re going to  win.

It is tied. We have one out. And Kevin Youkilis is batting.

Holy fricktasticals.

Youkilis strikes out.

Um… It is 10:09 and I can’t sit still.

David Ortiz at the bat.

This is how it should be, really.

Bobby V, could you please leave in Atchison? Thanks.

It’s okay, FDA. I handled it. Just now.

Um… Aceves… um…


Ortiz… Hi.

Ortiz is my baby’s daddy. True story. Just ask Elliot-May-Precious Ortiz.

Of course, his baby is hiding from me because I keep throwing socks.

Walk. He is ON BASE.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Let’s just all walk. I’d be okay with that. Let’s ALLLL walk.

We’re going to give Youk a cat scan. And then, if there’s nothing wrong, we’re going to feed him cans of Ensure until he gets his ass kicking weight back on, that’s what we’re going to do, Paul.

Cody Ross, stop frowning and play BASEBALL.

It’s this GAME that you get paid to play.

If I got paid to play a game, I would turn MY frown upside down, best believe.

10:13, And my last fingernail is gone.

We have two people on base. Two. And McDonald is going to run for Ortiz. So that’s goooood.


Hi, Ryan Sweeney. Ryan Sweeney will save us.

He kind of reminds me of Jason Bay. Anyone else see it?


MCDONALD Slides in… SLIDES in… drama… awesomeness. We will win. WE WILL WIN. And that ball hopped and we scored and there was no tag and…

Remember to breathe, Lauren…



And … and…

It’s beautiful. And Santos cursed. And it was beautiful too.

Isn’t it nice to see another bullpen implode?

It is 3-2. 3-2, BOSTON.

Did you see that, John Farrell? Were you watching? Because we can replay it. We can replay it.

And the ball runs away and Ross comes in!!! And it is 4-2!

And I LOVE baseball.

And I love YOU, Santos. I can’t believe that mean John Farrell is bringing you in…

Hear those boos?

Hahahahahahaha. I wish I had a towel too be obnoxious with. Who am I kidding? I am at my house. I have LOTS of towels.

10:22. Actually, Salty’s not so bad. I really think this is going to be his year, Paul. You’ll see. Mark my words…


Okay. Whew. It’s better. Hi, Alfredo. If you screw it up, I fear for your life.

One out. This is STRESSFUL. You know. Unless you’re my dog.

Aceves, I have ALWAYS loved you. I don’t think ANY of this is your fault. I blame Bobby V for putting you in this situation.

That disclaimer aside, I’m going to need another out in order to justify your existance on this earth, okay?


Did we… um… We… won. We WON. WE won.


Was it just me… or was that anticlimactic?

I mean, with the previous pedey lovefest, I was expecting like… confetti?

I think confetti would have been fair… um…


You’re welcome, Red Sox. On behalf of myself and all my commenters, who, undoubtedly, pushed you to victory, you are welcome.


I am …



  1. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    You know my motto fuCanada

    I will be here, to start. Can’t say I will finish.

  2. Michael
    April 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    I’ve missed this blog…just like I’ve missed the Red Sox winning…*sigh* I love this team too much to forsake them

  3. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    WTF, fuCanada, You can’t even start a baseball game on time. I would say stick to hockey but you haven’t won that in many years either. (I don’t care if 98% of the Bruins are Canadian. The most important one is ours, Oh say can you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

  4. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Forget Kyla, remember 7 year old Cla Merideth ? Mr grand salam giver upper?

  5. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Towels are basketball NOT baseball.

  6. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    The whores husband is gone. Move on.

  7. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Dobrount is probably nervous and I am guessing that Bautista is off the steroids after last year???? (Just kidding fuCanada-ians)

  8. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Pedro is gone too and we lucked out on that one. He sucked after he abandoned to become a Met.

  9. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Where is your Pirate friend? Shouldn’t he be making fun of us by now because his team has a better record then us??????

    • thegreatdepressive
      April 9, 2012 at 8:33 pm

      Now I’m not that cruel am I? Maybe I am. I did think about it….But I figure Boston will finish with a better record than the Pirates. Good start against the Phillies even though every game was decided by one run. Not exactly conclusive. Still early for everybody though. A little premature to make dramatic pronouncements based on 2-3% of the season.

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 9, 2012 at 8:36 pm

        You are that mean. Yep-pers.l

  10. April 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Damn,Alvarerz is working a “NO NO”

  11. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Barry Zito only gave up one hit today. It’s a kmiracle. Next game he will give up 20 runs. I do love that the Giants won the world series without him after he ran off for the money.

  12. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    I am cold. Off to make some tea.I will be baaacKKK (Those 3 K’s are to help Dobrount strike out the side)

  13. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Here are some photo’s from todays game. That guy second picture to the left looks like how I feel. So muchg for the K help. Off to make some tea.

  14. FireDannyAinge
  15. April 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Making Alvarez look like HOF material

  16. April 9, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    Can’t it EVER go smooth.This stomach thing isn’t good for me

  17. April 9, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Felix for Kyle straight up=righjt NOW !

  18. Michael
    April 9, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Someone should inform the Red Sox Spring Training ended a week ago and the games now count…2 straight seasons starting like this. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh

  19. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    I was going to say lets take a bet on who will win a game first us or NY but then I remembered we are us and NY is playing Baltimore who only shows up against us and I thought better of it.

    Friday should be fun. Opening day BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’s

  20. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    This is the owners fault. They decide who we get and how much money we can spend and they chose to nickel and dime us to save money. Wakefield should be pitching. He wouldn’t fuCanada-up until the fifth inning.

  21. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Well that was quick. Next

    • thegreatdepressive
      April 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm

      Also FDA, I think it’s cute you were asking about me. I missed you too all offseason. Maybe we can go out next time I’m in Boston. I’ll take you to the restaurant that serves the finest clam chowder!

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 9, 2012 at 8:49 pm

        If only I wasn’t anti social we would be a love made in epic “Ellen show” proportions.Plus I hate clam chowder (Bad Bostonian)

      • April 9, 2012 at 8:59 pm

        That would be the “NO Name Restaurant”

  22. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    It’s a disfuctional relationship we have. Stroy of my life.

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 8:40 pm


  23. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    SPEAKING of boyfriends. Yours betetr WTFU (Wake the F-up) He hasn;t had a hit yet?

  24. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    BETTER, In my defense I have a new computer and the key board is different but that does not explain doing the same thing with the last computer.

    Youkilis is Use-leeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssss

  25. thegreatdepressive
    April 9, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    I think we should make one of those stop-motion videos announcing our engagement. Those are so sweet, they’ll give you cavities.

  26. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Yes,l Use-leeeessssssssssss, I mean Youkilis looks skinnier.

  27. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    If my first child is a girl her name will be Shannon or Annika. If it’s a boy his name will be either Michael, or Cameron (Not after Mike Cameron) or Jacob (Jake)

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      NOT KEVIN.

  28. thegreatdepressive
    April 9, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    FireDannyAinge :
    If only I wasn’t anti social we would be a love made in epic “Ellen show” proportions.Plus I hate clam chowder (Bad Bostonian)

    Boston baked beans?

    /no knowledge of New England cuisine

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 8:58 pm

      Nope. I hate NE crusine.I told you, I am a bad Bostonian. I hate sea food. I don’t ev en know what else we are known for. Heck, I the first time I went to the Boston commons was last year and I have lived here my whole life.

      • thegreatdepressive
        April 9, 2012 at 9:01 pm

        You have lived in Boston your whole life and you hate all the regional cuisine? Why do you stay? What do you like? I am so confused.

  29. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    If we don’t win tonight we will be the only team left without a win. Atlantra and the Skankees are winning.

  30. April 9, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    glad to see the sox are doing well here, maybe i was better off staying in class and skipping out earlier, doubront needs some support!!!!!

  31. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 8:59 pm

    But MY D-lowe doesn’t suck.lol (Me in denial. He is perfect damn you. Except the whole cheat on every wife he has ever had thing)

  32. April 9, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    must get something out of this, come on mike

  33. April 9, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    i apologize for going t class, it will not happen again during your live blog segments

  34. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    thegreatdepressive :
    You have lived in Boston your whole life and you hate all the regional cuisine? Why do you stay? What do you like? I am so confused.

    I stay because I could never live without my niece and nephew.

    Then there is the Red Sox. I have this recurring dream that I am married to a British guy (I know) and moved to Great Britain with him for his job and I miss 2004 Red Sox winning the world series and I want to come back for the parade but he says I can’t because we are saving money for a house. So I leave him anyway and he is depressed and I come back and live with my sister. The dream always ends with him making the decision to come get me but he never gets here because I wake up.

    I sxwear this is a real dream. It’s weird. I think ti would make a great novel.

    • thegreatdepressive
      April 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

      Your dream is perfect because I have been confused for a British person on multiple occasions! And Australian even more often I’m not sure why. I grew up in the South and I have a thick accent. I think my proper pronunciation throws people off.

      That is an interesting dream. Probably would make a good novel. Or at least a good short story.

      So if you could take your niece+nephew with you, where would you choose to go? Or would you stay?

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 9, 2012 at 9:20 pm

        Can I take the Red Sox with me too?

        I don’t know where I would want to go. Somewhere with no bugs (sorry Florida) No humidity (Sorry Florida) no people (sorry earth) ummmmm? What is this, 20 questions????

  35. April 9, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    aviles does have that look of one,but nevertheless we need him to drive in runs in these situations, doubront is hanging tough

  36. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    I do not like creme pie either. I think that is a myth that we are known for that.

  37. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Good news. The Astros tied the Braves. We will keep our together losing tact in tact

  38. April 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    great job by felix!!!! hes tough and i like him in the rotation!!!! come on sox lets get some support for him!!!!!

  39. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    Jason Bay just walked. Wish we had players that could walk.

  40. April 9, 2012 at 9:19 pm

    OK,maybe we will hold onto him for a while-at least another inning

  41. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    This is why I LOVE Dustin Pedroia. He never quits. That’s my munchkin.

  42. April 9, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    Pedey IS the MAN

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 9:23 pm

      If wordpress had a like button I would like this post.

  43. April 9, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    about time the sox get a run!!!!! we got it now, alvarez will be rattled

  44. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    I guess we will have to celebrate that one run since IT’S THE ONLY ONE WE ARE EVER GETTING@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

  45. April 9, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    You need to get to Beantown and have a heart to heart with your hubby!

  46. April 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    we get 18 hits yesterday, we have 4 right now, and gonzo slow jog is pissing me the fuck off act like you fucking care, I am now mad Lauren!!!!

  47. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    Houston went ahead 4-3. I thought Houston was coming to the AL?

  48. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:28 pm


    Papelbon gave up a home run today . I take joy in the little things.

  49. April 9, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    glad to see that canada only cares about martin short and their lack of respect for baseball, makes me sick talk about the damn fucking game and not about canada got fucking talent that is why canada will be always be americas hat!!!!

  50. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:34 pm

    I like Scott Atchinson. Did I speak too soon?

  51. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:37 pm

    What do you think. Dustin can be our lead off, Ortiz can hit second. Then we can switch a fake Dustin for the real Dustin and he can hit third. Do the same and vice versa until we get through our new line up. I like it.

  52. April 9, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    If we can’t get to Oliver we need to revamp.He had a cup of chowda with us once.Think is era was 15.00

  53. April 9, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    What idiot thought up the Papi stealing idea????

  54. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:39 pm


  55. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    It had to have been a missed sign. Hit and run

  56. April 9, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    well that worked out well

  57. April 9, 2012 at 9:42 pm

    Another mediocre pitcher made to look Coopertstown worthy !

  58. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    I am annoyed. I am sure Tayler Swift was wronged by someone and wrote a song about them. I shall go look for that song.

  59. April 9, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    Atchison for closer !!!

  60. April 9, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Who’s Taylor Swift ?

  61. April 9, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Can she swing a bat /

  62. April 9, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    Can she break off a slider ?

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 9:54 pm

      I don;t know if she plays baseball but she writes a mean revenge song.

      • April 9, 2012 at 9:55 pm

        Maybe we can get her to work on Papelbum!

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm

        I bet she will do it for usd if we ask her.lol So anyone know Taylir Swift??????

  63. April 9, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    oliver is like 100 yrs old and yet we cant hit this guy ugh!!!!!!

  64. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    Taylor writes a lot of good hate songs but none of them fit baseball. She has one song about an actress that stole her Jones brother and she calls her a slut but that is as close as we get. I guess we could use that because just like Camilla Belle is an actress on the matress (meaning she is a slut that can’t act) we ARE pretending to be a baseball team.

  65. April 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    Two years ago,Atchison did everything asked of him and his reward was the rollercoaster ride between the “Show” and Pawtucket !

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:03 pm

      THIS, I agree.

  66. April 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    well here we go boston, lets knock santos off the mound and get some fucking runs

  67. April 9, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    yes!!!!!!! hit drives in pedey!!!!!!!!!!!

  68. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    I SWEAR TO WHOMEVER. If we go ahead in this inning or game and I see even a glimpse of our so called closer I am flying to fuCanada and taking out Valentine.

  69. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm


  70. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:08 pm


  71. April 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    What are we going to do about Youk?

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:12 pm

      Smacking him silly until he learns to hit again

  72. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    I cannot handle another loss ESPECIALLY not in extra innings.

    Useless is useless and now it is up to steal a base, sigh

  73. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    It’s up to Cody Ross. Double sigh.

  74. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    Why is the 167 hitter hitting after Ortiza, the only guy on the team that can hit? Where is the 462 hitter guy?

  75. April 9, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    no pinch runner for Papi ?

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:16 pm

      Mcdonald is in for Papi

  76. April 9, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    ryan sweeney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  77. April 9, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    got that call into Bobby V. the a nick of time

  78. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    BOO YA.

  79. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    I like this Ryan Sweeny. I see him, Pedroia and Ortiz being the only guys cheered on opening day.

  80. April 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    Ok,now lets get Aceves in there for the save………NOT!!!!

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:21 pm

      Say it with me.


  81. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Salty walks. Oh come on guys. 2 runs is NOT ENOUGH

  82. April 9, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    That was the only way we were going to score with Salty up.Where’s that guy Lavarnway ?Can someone drive him up from McCoy please?

  83. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Stop booing my new favorite plauer Something Santos. fuCanada

  84. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    Is there like a new hex on closers in MLB. Savior closers that suck, been there,

  85. April 9, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Now what ?

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:26 pm

      Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and then scream!!!!!!

  86. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Tell me who comes out. I can’t watch.

  87. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Coming in, sigh.

  88. April 9, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Ok, I’ll give some slack on Salty,but I’m holding an open plane ticket to R.I. to take Lavarnway up if needed.

  89. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    What did I EVER do to you Bobby V. I defended you. I stood up for you and this is how you repay me.


  90. April 9, 2012 at 10:28 pm


  91. April 9, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    Could it be ?

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:31 pm

      shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (WINK)

  92. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    it’s a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great job Aceves.

  93. April 9, 2012 at 10:34 pm

    Wow ,a closer !The worm has turned,whatever that means.The Soxy group has pulled out a win.Great night-Sox win and I found out who Taylor Swift is !

    • FireDannyAinge
      April 9, 2012 at 10:40 pm

      Taylor is A-W-E-S-O-M-E and don’t let anyone tell you she can’t sing (she can’t but whatever) she writes the best revenge songs, watch, actually listen and read the words.

  94. April 9, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    very nice job aceves!!!!!!

  95. FireDannyAinge
    April 9, 2012 at 10:37 pm

    I feel better and guilty for being mean to Aceves BUT WAIT, I defended him. I am good.

  96. April 10, 2012 at 12:46 am

    Nice win by the BoSox. I live on the Canadian border, so always good to see those hoser kept in check!!

  97. April 10, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Wasn’t that just beautiful?

  98. Jup
    April 10, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Comparing Ross to Lugo? That’s just plain unfair. No one deserves that.

  99. Mike
    April 10, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Okay, before you guys start chanting “USA! USA! USA!” again tonight like Homer Simpson, you should know there’s only one Canadian on Toronto’s 25 man roster. It’s just kinda…weird when you do that. Oh, and I respect Bobby V cause it takes serious balls to throw your closer at us in the first inning. But hey, if it’s close Santos might just hand you guys the game again.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: