Home > Scary Red Sox Rants > Caveman, aren’t you extinct?

Caveman, aren’t you extinct?

Apparently, we hurt little Johnny’s feelings again.

“(Ending the curse) was big,” Damon told the Boston Herald. “I loved every minute of my time in Boston, but how things went down at the end definitely left sour feelings, and that’s why I can’t really embrace that.”

So, Damon says if he makes HOF (and they test you for juice, Johnny, you know that, right?), he won’t “embrace” us by donning a Red Sox uniform.
Cue the tears.
Oh, right. There are no tears. Because NO ONE LIKES YOU, JOHNNY DAMON.
Johnny won’t embrace us. Awesome. THEN STOP TALKING ABOUT US.
So Johnny doesn’t want to wear the B.
Thanks be to Fisk. Really, JD? REALLY? You think we’re crying over that? You think we’re mixing tears in our sippy cups?
And like you have a CHOICE. Unless you stay with Tampa for a million years, it’s my understanding you’d be forced into a Royals helmet.
It’s an understanding backed up by Sporting News, btw. He also says in that article that he’d “like” to stay in Tampa. Remember the last time he said he’d “like” to stay in a particular city?

When the Rays leave Boston, will he shut up?

Dear John Lackey,

Could you nail him in his ego?

It’s big enough that even you should hit the strike zone.



Seriously, we need some Johnny Damon jokes and we need them fast.

(I know what you’re thinking! But no, unbelievably, that’s actually James Van Der Beek. NOT Johnny Damon. Eery, right?)

Now back to your regularly scheduled pep talk


ADDENDUM: Tonight’s match up has been POSTPONED due to inclement weather in Boston. Which is great. Because maybe, just maybe… by the time we do attack… er… face Damon again, someone (JOHN LACKEY, JOHN LACKEY, JOHN LACKEY) will have his act together… or someone else (TITO) will have a different solution. This also (cue the cheering) gets Johnny Damon out of Boston sooner than anticipated.


ADDENDUM: 6 p.m.: It’s okay guys! It’s all going to be okay. Because Charlie Sheen said so! See? What would you say to peeps trying to bring us down, Tiger’s Blood?

“I’d tell everybody to shut up, that they’ll bounce back. It’s a long season and there’s a ton of talent there and a really bitchin’ hitter’s park they play in. Relax.”

It’s all going to be okay!

Categories: Scary Red Sox Rants
  1. Rob
    April 13, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    I’ve never been happier for a rainout.

    And Damon is annoying. It’s not even what he says, it’s just how he says it.

    • April 13, 2011 at 5:12 pm

      he is never going to reach the HOF.
      did you read that article? he’s like, i would be a superstar if i weren’t on teams with superstars. whine. whine. whine.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    April 13, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Embrace LMAO. Johnny is always good for a laugh. Like his throwing arm.

    Hall of fame. ROTFLMAO That is even funnier.

    • April 13, 2011 at 11:15 pm

      I seriously doubt he will last another season. And I can’t wait for his forced retirement. I’ll even help him pack his little things in boxes. I’ll drive down to Tampa for that.

  1. June 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm
  2. July 21, 2011 at 3:35 pm

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