Dear Kelly Shoppach, David Price isn’t your friend any more. Oh, and you’re playing for two now.

Dear Kelly Shoppach,

I know that I said I would hate you forever because what your addition might mean for the second love of my life, Jason Varitek.

I (mostly) didn’t mean that.

I mean. Your name is punny, I guess. I can make… um… shopping jokes. And. Um. I guess you know how to catch. I mean, sometimes. You don’t have a really cool, sweet, savvy “C” on your jersey, but whatever. I’ve decided to blame Nick Cafardo if something happens to Tek, so you’re off the hook. Mostly.

But there’s something I need to talk to you about. And this is going to be awkward.

Okay. Here goes.

I was on your Twitter account this morning… You know. Just growling at you and doing that shake-my-fist-at-the-sky thing where I scream out “VARITEK” and the universe answers tears with rain… you know. That old thing. And I noticed a little… um… exchange.

Kelly. Dear, Kelly. If you’re going to be one of us… well… the David Price banter is going to have to stop.

You don’t know this (how could you, you poor, innocent, fanless Ray), but David Price… well… he’s kind of a jackass. I know. In the sea of Jackasses you’re used to thumping chests with, with he probably doesn’t seem like much.

It’s not your fault, Kelly. You’ve been trapped. Isolated. In that scary-turfed Orange Juice stadium with no fans. Raised by the likes of Johnny Damon. Who can blame you, really?

But we’re taking you away from all that, Kelly. We’re whisking you away from those late night pajama parties where it’s just you and Damon and Maddon (you probably call in Greg and Joba too), doing each other’s nails and brainstorming over the motto for your evil league.

Here. Read this, Kelly Shoppach. I think I explain my David Price feelings eloquently.

You’re one of us now. One of US. You hear me, Kelly Shoppach?

You’re not just catching for yourself, Kelly. You’re catching for Jason Varitek. You’re catching for TWO. Your life is no longer your own.

You must live. Because he can’t.

Can you tell I’ve been up all night watching war movies?

Welcome to Boston.

~L

PS- David Price- NEVER FORGET!

It's okay, baby. You will be avenged.

It’s okay, Giants kid. It could have been worse. The ball could have hit you in the face.

If he weren’t blatantly wearing a “Giants” sweatshirt, wouldn’t you think this kid’s an O’s fan?

In other news, um… in actual news… the schedule is out for next year- opening against Detroit! Which means coworker Jeff and I will have to draw a line across the office.

Home opener will be against the Rays.

If you buy me a ticket, I’ll even stay at your house!

—–

The internet is full of lively discussions about our Soxies. One that caught my eye: Why is JD Drew still playing for the Sox?

Anyone else think he sort of flew under the radar? He’s inconsistent. When he is good, he is very good. But when he is bad, he is… um… blah.

I don’t know. It’s hard, this transition. From being a JD Drew apologist to starting to see merit in the discussion…

Bill Ballou of the Worcester Telegram says there are a few reasons Drew’s still in the lineup:

Money is one reason. Even though Drew’s contract is almost up, the Sox still hope for one final hot month out of him to help them win in 2011. And I can’t imagine Reddick won’t take over in right field starting with this homestand when Ortiz’ suspension is done with. Drew’s career has, indeed, been a history of unfulfilled potential. It’s an interesting business, since he has made about as much money not fulfilling that potential as he would have had his career been as good as expected.

Thoughts? Is he really THAT bad? Can’t we put him the okay plus category?

—-

Bad news. ESPN says it’s likely we will not get Beltran.

So, if Beltran’s out, who is your ideal add? I hesitate to put any temps on the roster. I’d like more in-it-for-the-long-haul guys. No more Jason Bay heartbreakers.

Here’s a vote for Erik Bedard.

Here’s a vote for D-Lowe.

Thoughts?

oh. We won, btw. 4-0. How do you like them apples, Showalter?

~L

What did Lackey do now? Oh, and Joe Maddon says crazy things.

I’m genuinely asking. I have no idea. I toooottttaallllyyyy missed the game Saturday. Totally and completely. And I see THIS link about Lacko (no?) “showing up” Tito?

What the frick?

HB gives us a clue in today’s Soxaholix…

—

Oh, and apparently Bucky shared the crazy juice with Joe Maddon:

“My takeaway is that we can beat the Red Sox and they know it,” Maddon said. “My takeaway from the 1-0 loss to the Yankees (July 10) is that we can beat the Yankees, and they know it. We’re not going away. It’s just a temporary inconvenience right now.”

Really? That’s your takeaway from LOSING? Because that’s what you did, Joe. You lost. You lost to… JOHN LACKEY. And virtually all of our other pitchers yesterday. Oh, and JOHN LACKEY.

“That’s a tough loss,” Johnny Damon said.

Speaking of the idiot, there’s ANOTHER article out there saying JD could reach HOF.

No.

That is all.

~L

PS-

Just when you thought it was safe to take out your earplugs…

Just when you thought the tears had dried up…

Just when you thought the whining was over…

They’re BAAAAAACCCKKKK….

Damn it.

(It’s like this, only in a ballpark and not a chapel. Oh, and without the talent. You heard me. I said it. What are you going to do? Eject me? Hit me with a rock too?)

—–

PS. No more Miller High Life. Seriously, people. NO MORE. They’re paying off Schmuck’s IRS bill. See?

Schmucks always fricking prosper. Right, David Price?

Well, we can’t keep players from selling their balls (hah). But we can keep people from drinking Miller High Life. Seriously. Bat it out of friends’ hands if you have to. But Miller High Life needs to know that America is tired of Schmucks being rewarded! Never surrender!

37 innings and all we got were mimosas. Oh, and another win.

Many of you know I’m not good at dating.

Others of you will be shocked at this revelation, but try, for the sake of this blog, to contain yourself.

It is shocking, I know.

With my sparkling personality and dazzling good looks, you’d think I was only retaining my amateur status so I could date in the Olympics.

But no. Apparently, I come with bad references. Really. The nerve.

Apparently… I ramble about sports? And apparently I don’t answer the phone? And I have that whole habit of not showing up… Oh, and laughing at inappropriate times. Oh, and then there’s the dry wit and ridicule.

I really should stop looking at those customer comment cards. They’re not good for one’s confidence.

Whatever. I’m getting better. Except for the not showing up thing. I don’t know what I’m going to do about the not showing up thing.

I’m busy, okay?

It’s not officially standing the guy up when you say “maybe,” okay? And perhaps they should put it in writing. On a post-it or something. Set a cell phone alarm. Show some initiative, people!

Anyway…

So, had a date yesterday. Which is always hilarious. I charge my cell phone specifically so I can text people about my hilarious dates. Oh. And so I can check the score.

But had a dilemma. Had a Red Sox game and… with the hell schedule, knew it was the only opportunity I would have this week to watch some Beckett ball.

So… date… or baseball?

Usually I would choose baseball hands down. But see above? I’m getting better. I’m trying to… you know… show up.

Plus, I’m kind of afraid of the friend that set me up with this guy. She made me promise to “not screw it up talking about baseball.” So… if we are actually WATCHING the game, I think, I’ll be much less likely to obsess about it.

Self, I think, this is an excellent idea.

Self apparently did not remember the Orioles Fiasco of 09 (there was yelling) and the Toronto Incident of 2010 (there was condiment throwing).

Self sometimes has a selective memory when it comes to watching her Youkilis.

Anyway, choose bar where no one knows me. This is ALWAYS a good plan, see. Especially if bartenders at SOME bars start removing the salt and pepper shakers from the tables when you walk through the door.

It was like ONE TIME, John-Henry. Okay. Maybe two times. But yellow shirt deserved it.

Anyway….

Go to bar early so I can get my tv-yelling out. There is a special on Mimosas. Mimosas, I think! That’s classy!

It’s like I have Mimosa-amnesia.

$3? Awesome, I think. The dejavuz of why Lauren does not drink Mimosas comes this morning. But that’s a different story. It involves a headache, a Charter Internet representative and yelling. Oh, and hair product.

Anyway…

I am on Mimosa #3 when guy shows up. And it’s like inning five. Of what, 33 billion? There were at least 37 innings last night.

Guy not only tolerates game, when we are kicked out of the bar at 12:30 (right?) he texts me score updates until the final, mind screeching run in inning 37.

Great date, I think.

But you know what? I can’t remember: 1. What he looked like. 2. What he talked about (I remember something about sky diving and Toronto?). 3. Whether I liked him. 4. Whether I said I would go out with him again.

That’s what you get, really, when you try to talk to me for several hours and I’m watching a baseball game and drinking Mimosas. Honestly, he should have known better. It takes two to agree on a location, after all.

I do have texts in my phone implying that he had a good time. Weird, right? Something about how I’m great and adorable when I watch baseball. Something about wanting to see me again? Even after I (I have no doubt) subjected him to  Johnny Damon lecture (it was Tampa. Memory or no memory, we alllll know I JD ranted).

Clearly, there’s something horribly wrong with him and I shouldn’t show up next time.

As for Friday? You will not get me to talk about that game. Stupid, horrible, evil David Price!

PS- I HATE Johnny Damon close-ups. I may not remember my date, but I remember that smug grin and lip smacking thing Damon was doing last night.

Blah.

L

I’m waiting for the whine ripple. But I think that only comes from Baltimore.

Confront your fate.

That’s how I’m spending my day. It’s so lovely to be buds with the movie reviewer!

Off to Hogwarts!

See you tonight for Price bashing.

~L

How’s that ‘stage’ treating you, Gonz?

Not only did Gonzalez want more money than the Padres ever would offer, Hoyer believed his first baseman wanted “a bigger stage.”

“The idea of a bigger stage excited him,” said Hoyer.

Gonzalez certainly has that in Boston.

14-5. I think it’s safe to say Sox offense is pulling punches.

Punches, karate chops and definite spin kick action.

Miller… you were… okay.

But Miller. Dear. This is the Padres. If the Yankees had seen you in inning 6…

Well… I don’t think we are ready to see that happen yet…

I ran out of Keystone Light today. It was tragic.

Thanks for that too, Miller.

But it’s really hard to negative Nancy it up with a score like that. You know, with a 7th inning like that.

With oodles of National League play to go, it’s nice to see a score like that.

Tito and co are busily debating where to switch people so Papi can pummel the ball. Where to put Gonz? Where to put Youk?

I’m busily eating ice cream and watching the last few minutes of this game. Is it just me, or is this 9th inning taking for fricking ever?

I’m glad I don’t have to make decisions.

You know. About important things. Like baseball.

I wish I wasn’t out of beer. If I were a hockey player, that would never happen. I could run up a fun-tastic bar tab. Like this one. <-Check that out. It’s hilarious. I bet the Corona Light was Tim Thomas. Because I would get the Corona Light. And Tim Thomas and I have a connection.

Hmm. I guess I’ll have to go running tomorrow. Phooey.

Well, better make it worth it and eat the rest of this ice cream.

Go Sox!

~L

Oh no. Jenks could be back. This article almost RUINED ice cream for me.

Jeter too. Bah.

And A-Roid, apparently jealous of the attention the DL club is getting, issued statements today saying he’s not hurt. “Whew,” the world says.

“Wait a minute,” the world says, “you were injured? we thought you were just tired from tabloid chasing.”

Oh, A-Roid. Remember when you were relevant?

————

Speaking of attention wh- um… hounds… presenting chapter 8 billion of the Johnny Damon saga! Everyone’s favorite personified dish towel!

As the world tooooooottttaaalllllyyyyy knows… because the world pays sooooooooo much attention to the Idiot (by the way, Johnny, this is sarcasm, fyi. It’s that thing people are using when they talk to you. All the time), he just got double number 500. So he joins this club of 11 players to have 500 doubles, 100 triples, 200 home runs and 2,500 hits. Do you care? I don’t care.

But will the Hall of Fame care?

Yeah. I’m still not caring. Sorry, Johnny. I am trying. Ohsoohso hard.

Okay… wait… yep… just cared enough for an eyeroll.

Seriously, Johnny. Remember that time he made a big deal out of saying he wouldn’t wear a Red Sox uniform because we’re all a bunch of whiny little ingrates?

Hey, remember that time he said he would never play for the Yankees and then he played for the… yeah…

WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS JACKASS?????

And Johnny, you’re just not good enough for HOF. That’s it.

It’s not about your attitude, which trust me, is pathetic enough to warrant Hall-of-Fame-style attention. It’s about the numbers. You. Don’t. Have. Them. You need like two more seasons and you can barely last two more months.

Don’t you have an accountant to do the math for you? Who counts all your monies?

You probably just toss it all in a bathtub and roll around in it.

Grrr.

You are my least favorite baseball player. Of all time. Again. You had dropped to number two there for awhile. Gotta admire your stamina, creeping your squirrely little self right back up to the top.

If you ever drink poison and need to vomit quickly, check out this website. That’s right. Johnny Damon has his own place in cyberhell.

—

We won, by the way. It was swell.

—

OH MY GOD.

To keep you from having to go to his website, I am going to copy and paste the most ridiculous “about me” description I have ever seen. I put my favorite parts in bold.

“Johnny is that unique star athlete who has remained truly humble in the face of overwhelming popularity He also has that rare free spirit, enabling him to leverage his all-star performance over the past decade to become one of the most recognizable and popular players in MLB. A leader by example, Johnny is well-liked and highly-respected in the baseball community.“

I linked to the site, but trust me when I say DO NOT CLICK THE LINK. DO. NOT. CLICK. IT. You will vomit.