Home > Drunken Live Blogging > How’s that ‘stage’ treating you, Gonz?

How’s that ‘stage’ treating you, Gonz?

Not only did Gonzalez want more money than the Padres ever would offer, Hoyer believed his first baseman wanted “a bigger stage.”

“The idea of a bigger stage excited him,” said Hoyer.

Gonzalez certainly has that in Boston.

14-5. I think it’s safe to say Sox offense is pulling punches.

Punches, karate chops and definite spin kick action.

Miller… you were… okay.

But Miller. Dear. This is the Padres. If the Yankees had seen you in inning 6…

Well… I don’t think we are ready to see that happen yet…

I ran out of Keystone Light today. It was tragic.

Thanks for that too, Miller.

But it’s really hard to negative Nancy it up with a score like that. You know, with a 7th inning like that.

With oodles of National League play to go, it’s nice to see a score like that.

Tito and co are busily debating where to switch people so Papi can pummel the ball. Where to put Gonz? Where to put Youk?

I’m busily eating ice cream and watching the last few minutes of this game. Is it just me, or is this 9th inning taking for fricking ever?

I’m glad I don’t have to make decisions.

You know. About important things. Like baseball.

I wish I wasn’t out of beer. If I were a hockey player, that would never happen. I could run up a fun-tastic bar tab. Like this one. <-Check that out. It’s hilarious. I bet the Corona Light was Tim Thomas. Because I would get the Corona Light. And Tim Thomas and I have a connection.

Hmm. I guess I’ll have to go running tomorrow. Phooey.

Well, better make it worth it and eat the rest of this ice cream.

Go Sox!


Oh no. Jenks could be back. This article almost RUINED ice cream for me.

Jeter too. Bah.

And A-Roid, apparently jealous of the attention the DL club is getting, issued statements today saying he’s not hurt. “Whew,” the world says.

“Wait a minute,” the world says, “you were injured? we thought you were just tired from tabloid chasing.”

Oh, A-Roid. Remember when you were relevant?


Speaking of attention wh- um… hounds… presenting chapter 8 billion of the Johnny Damon saga! Everyone’s favorite personified dish towel!

As the world tooooooottttaaalllllyyyyy knows… because the world pays sooooooooo much attention to the Idiot (by the way, Johnny, this is sarcasm, fyi. It’s that thing people are using when they talk to you. All the time), he just got double number 500. So he joins this club of 11 players to have 500 doubles, 100 triples, 200 home runs and 2,500 hits. Do you care? I don’t care.

But will the Hall of Fame care?

Yeah. I’m still not caring. Sorry, Johnny. I am trying. Ohsoohso hard.

Okay… wait… yep… just cared enough for an eyeroll.

Seriously, Johnny. Remember that time he made a big deal out of saying he wouldn’t wear a Red Sox uniform because we’re all a bunch of whiny little ingrates?

Hey, remember that time he said he would never play for the Yankees and then he played for the… yeah…


And Johnny, you’re just not good enough for HOF. That’s it.

It’s not about your attitude, which trust me, is pathetic enough to warrant Hall-of-Fame-style attention. It’s about the numbers. You. Don’t. Have. Them. You need like two more seasons and you can barely last two more months.

Don’t you have an accountant to do the math for you? Who counts all your monies?

You probably just toss it all in a bathtub and roll around in it.


You are my least favorite baseball player. Of all time. Again. You had dropped to number two there for awhile. Gotta admire your stamina, creeping your squirrely little self right back up to the top.

If you ever drink poison and need to vomit quickly, check out this website. That’s right. Johnny Damon has his own place in cyberhell.

We won, by the way. It was swell.


To keep you from having to go to his website, I am going to copy and paste the most ridiculous “about me” description I have ever seen. I put my favorite parts in bold.

“Johnny is that unique star athlete who has remained truly humble in the face of overwhelming popularity He also has that rare free spirit, enabling him to leverage his all-star performance over the past decade to become one of the most recognizable and popular players in MLB. A leader by example, Johnny is well-liked and highly-respected in the baseball community.

I linked to the site, but trust me when I say DO NOT CLICK THE LINK. DO. NOT. CLICK. IT. You will vomit.

  1. June 21, 2011 at 1:37 am

    Great Stuff!

  2. Jup
    June 21, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Three points: 1) I sort of love Adrian Gonzalez. 2) I would have given my left arm to party with the Bruins when they racked up that bar tab. I don’t need it, I’m right handed. 3) Who the heck is this Johnny Damon fellow that you’re talking about??

  3. June 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Are the Keystone Light folks on strike or are they just having distribution problems getting more product out to your area?

  4. JW
    June 21, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    My thoughts on Johnny Damon can be found here; http://dubsism.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/why-is-anybody-surprised-johnny-damon-is-still-unsigned/ Not to be a blogwhore, but these comments were written close to 18 months ago, and the “Damon as a Hall of Famer” question just bring them back to the surface.

    Damon only gets in the Hall of Fame if:

    The only way he gets in:
    – He gets to 3000 hits
    – Runs scored – Has to finish waaaaay high on all-time list
    – Stolen Bases – has to finish high on all-time list AND have enough hits and runs scored, and we forget about the Non-Yanqui years
    -We get a public apology for playing for BOTH the Sawx and Yanquis
    -He gets compromising pictures of every member of the BWAA

    Don’t forget, the writers are going to need to vote for somebody since they all seem to have become moralists on the whole “steroid” issue…

  5. FireDannyAinge
    June 21, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    LMAO at the quote about Johnny being humble. Oh I was so happy I wasn’t drinking water at that time.

    They showed Damon being shaved the other day after Timmy Thomas was shaved and I was going to send a hate filled e-mail to the network but I forgot which one it was.


  6. rachel
    June 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    i just started reading your blog, and i am SO GLAD because i got such a good laugh over johnnydamon.com. my husband just asked me what is wrong with me! that is a HILARIOUS site!

    • June 21, 2011 at 10:32 pm

      i know. i think it should win a hilarity award. johnny is a much better comic than baseball player. he should quit his day job! thanks for reading and come back soon!

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