Not yet. One game… victory. And a sweet Papi-esque stomp at that. Exactly what I was in the mood for.
But this game?
Blah. Who does this Verlander guy think he is? Verlander kind of sounds like Highlander. There can be only one.
It will be Beckett. Right, guys? Now, I’m just tuning in, (officially 100 percent moved! huzzah! but my back and brain hurt) so I’m not altogether clear on the drama…
But 4 hits to our 2? 2 runs to our… none? What’s going on, guys?
And Detroit… you’re starting to play. Did the rain give you super powers? Was it like, radioactive rain? Like the kind of rain that turns geeks like Peter Parker into spiderman?
Oh. That was a spider bite. It says so here on wikipedia.
But I’m sure there was a super hero in comic book world that got that way from acid rain.
Thanks, Google. But that is not what I meant….
Maybe it was Captain Planet.
Ohmygod I loved that show.
Josh Beckett could so be Captain Planet. You know. If Josh Beckett was green and relied on magical electricity from jewelry.
Josh Beckett. He’s our hero. He’s going to take Detroit down to zero…
This beer feels great. Like, really great.
Like, Lauren’s body was melting away like… like… acid rain? And this beer put her together again.
So, I lifted this gigantic dresser up my stairs today. I need to take a picture of these stairs and show you. Even someone with amazing shoulder muscles like Kevin Youkilis would have trouble He-manning these stairs.
I had help. An editor at my paper and I broke my wall (kind of), our faces (almost) and our dignity to get this thing up a narrow, narrow staircase, through a loft and into a bedroom.
It was dramatic.
See, Beckett, if I could do that, you could win this game for us.
When I have the strength to push a button on a camera, I will totally show you.
Speaking of strength, this beer is strong.
It’s mocha stout from Highland Brewing Company! <- A North Carolina brewer.
This Verlander guy is smarmy. Can’t you tell? He has a swagger. Swaggers are stupid. He should drink a highlander. It would help with his swagger. Then he would be Verlander. With a Highlander. Working on his swagger.
I am going to walk my puppy. Drink another beer. And splash cold water on my face like eight times.
I. Will. Be. Back. It is 9:46. Please do not let them do anything dumb.
10:19. Painful… Where is our offense? Maybe they moved dressers today too. I hear it takes a lot out of you…
Thanks to the wet stuff, we’ve got a double header with Buchholz and Beckett at the mound, respectively.
But hey, we also got a rest day. Kind of.
A wet, icky rest day. A much well deserved wet, icky rest day.
And the Stankees? They got another loss to Seattle, Lauren’s new most favorite non-Red Sox, non-Marlins team.
So Red Sox, today I’m going to ask you to play your socks off. Don’t do it for me. Do it for Seattle. And the stankcrushing they have done for you.
Ahhhhhhh… ALE. It’s lonely at the top… but someone’s got to be up here. Nice view, though. I think I can see Cleveland…
We meet this Verlander guy we keep hearing so much about today… I hear he’s okay.
And… oh no… oh no… Jenks could be… back soon…
PS- Super important decision to make. How exactly should I vandalize Jeff-the-Tigers-fan’s cubicle Monday? I was thinking real brooms, but I don’t know if that’s dramatic enough. I might paper his desk in pictures of brooms. I don’t know. But I feel like my conscience is telling me it should involve brooms…
Oh! And Bard has an excuse for sucking lately! (kinda) Wait, when was that sucky game? So, spread the word if you’re in the DC area.
And, by the way, as of 10 a.m., our 4-streak is tied with Arizona as the number one streak in baseball…
And the Sox increase their win streak to 4.
Now, at 11:42… there’s only one thing left to say.
(Even thought your moose mascot is dumb)
You have… um… a pretty stadium…
Because that is what Tim Wakefield is going to do.
We are hours away from holding the number one slot and wrapping it around Jorge Posada’s neck.
Wrapping it and wrapping it and wrapping it and…
Sorry. I’ve been writing about the North Carolina state budget all day.
Which means I need a win.
So Wake, get on that. Lots of things rhyme with Wake. Things like cake.
And cake is fantastic. Therefore, Wake will embark on a smacktastic Detroit smackdown.
I have been working on the budget. I am too tired for wit.
But not, apparently, to make up words. Like smacktastic. And timmerific.
I’m trying to decide whether to decorate my Tigers fan coworker’s desk with actual brooms or just pictures of brooms…
I really need to find someone to watch a game with. Who, you know, will actually wear the Red Sox hat. And, you know, will actually be okay with wearing the Red Sox hat. You know, wear it willingly. Proudly. Victoriously. Will maybe have his or her own Red Sox hat.
So. Um. You guys could move here. Or. Um. I could move to Boston?
I don’t know.
Would you hire me at your Boston paper? I write stuff.
I’m going to go take a nap.
Go Tim Wakefield!
Tied for… first? But… didn’t you say that couldn’t happen, April commentators? Didn’t you say that would be… wait… let me make sure I get this right… Orioles? The Baltimore Orioles? Were you… wrong?!
Was that title long enough?
Because I meant to say “were you really–really–really–really–really wrong? And when we said ‘it’s early, sports commentators,‘ and you were like, I’m going to make fun of your hopes and dreams for a few hours on every blog and radio show I can find and inspire your coworkers to leave brooms on your desk, it was, in fact, too early to make broad generalizations?”
So, imagine that’s tacked onto the headline for this piece. And yes, if you’re feeling nostalgic, click on some of those links.
I think the following commercial fits recent Sox activities to a tee. Ahem:
See, Detroit? You’re the kid. And that VW symbol? It’s really a B. And Cleveland, you’re the adult guy at the end. And Jorge Posada, I’m sorry but every blog post is NOT ABOUT YOU!
So yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Tigers were, no doubt, losers. But the real losers this week? Not Detroit. No, not even Cleveland. The REAL losers were sports commentators and bloggers who were making fun of us in April.
And Buck Showalter.
Oh-oh-oh- and Jorge Posada.
And Johnny Damon!
And Dominique Strauss-Kahn!
Wait… what were we talking about again?
Right. The Red Sox.
Go us! The Yankees play at 10:10. Stupid west coast games. Say they manage to lose…
First alone, baby.
So, kiddies, stay up late for me and cheer on our Washington brethren, okay? Because I have to get up at 5 a.m. to shoot a Memorial Day ceremony.
Oh, and could someone ask the rain to stop? Because I want to wear a sundress. Thanks.
PS- April sports commentators, you might find this helpful!
I know you were all pacing in the waiting rooms of your hearts. But Tito assures us that our favorite Kevin Youkilis WILL be back. You can stop chewing your fingernails, FDA. And we need him. I mean, two whole runs against us yesterday! It was chaos!
Is it possible to type sarcasm?
Speaking of sarcasm… Deeeeeeetroit.
My coworker’s most favorite-upon-favorite tigers. About to be poached.
Get it? Because they’re tigers? And… um… people poach tigers? Like that one time in “The Jungle Book?” Not the cartoon, but the other “Jungle Book.” Was Cary Elwes in that? I get my actors confused. But that kind of poaching. Not the egg kind of poaching. Even though, boiling them is an appropriate metaphor. Because they’ll be boiled tigers. What a scary soup.
Guess how much sleep I’ve had?
Not enough to go into witty detail about how those cats will be declawed. And not enough to think that what I just said WASN’T HILARIOUS.
So if you could cover for me with your own trash talking, that would be swell. And I know you anti-Detroitees out there can come up with something better than, “Tigers, prepare to be declawed.” Well, maybe. Because that’s gold, people. Trash talking GOLD.
So, Soxies, whatcha got? Game’s at 1 p.m. So start trashin’.
PS: Aceves… don’t let me down, baby.
CF Ellsbury <- Is going to steal ALL the bases. It will be more eventful than a mall day with Winona and Li-Lo.
2B Pedroia<- 🙂 Read this and feel great about the Destroy-a.
1B Gonzalez <-A cycle. Today.
3B Youkilis <- See? Not just a lovely, lovely dream…
DH Ortiz <- Is going to make them wet their wittle uniforms. With fear.
LF Crawford <- Growing on us. Almost got a cycle. Has a great attitude. DOES ACTUALLY HIT SOMETIMES. Kid’s alright.
SS Sutton <- Um. Did something yesterday? So. Um. Okay. Read a good article about him HERE.
RF Reddick <-Um. Whatever. Pawtuckett recall, eh… I learned more about Reddick HERE.
C Varitek <- AWESOME
That’s right, baby. With a SIX streak (going on SEVEN), we, the RED SOX, the team that some of you (ahem) (ahem) all but counted out in April… have the hottest streak in the AL.
Wait- what’s that, truth? The hottest streak in the entire game? St. Louis is second with FOUR.
Think on this soxies.
Dream on it.
And wake up refreshed.
PS- Sorry, Jeff.
We’ve earned it.
Because April was terrible.
And there’s no going back.
We are so hot right now.
One might even say we’re THIS hot. Evacuate your villages, people.