Do you ever think it’s on purpose? Like, for some reason, Jon Lester is mad at us?
My puppy does this sometimes. Not so much anymore now that she’s a grown up (take note, Jon Lester). But you hear about it. Your puppy is angry at you so she poos in the middle of the floor. Or on your Fortune magazine.
Is this your middle-of-the-floor poo, Jon Lester? Okay. We get it. We’ll walk you. GEEZ.
Baaaaaad Pirate loss aside (the fricking PIRATES?), things aren’t so stable in the nation.
And, despite what you may read, it’s not just the rotation that’s breaking like hips on osteoporosis.
Oh good. Media reports of “trouble brewing.” I’m so glad we have the media to interpret horrible losses as horrible losses.
Okay. 6-5 wouldn’t be horrible. You know. Unless it was against the FRICKING Pirates.
But, let’s be comforted in the fact that it is just a dress rehearsal. Let’s all take a deep breath and…
Hi, Media. You’re back.
Is Bobby Valentine taking the right approach? <- Really? How can we POSSIBLY know that when haven’t even played a REAL game? Seriously, people. I’m not going to say I’m wading in tulips over the way this week has been playing out, but it’s SPRING TRAINING. They don’t always nail the soliloquies weeks before the show, guys…
The losses aren’t what fills me with motionsicky dread. What fills me with motionsicky dread is the overall organization, or lack thereof. How we’re still in rumored talks with Roy Oswalt (SERIOUSLY) and don’t have a concrete rotation. Or a concrete lineup. Or a concrete anything, really. It’s like a dress rehearsal with only half a script. THAT is what we should be freaking out about. Not specifics. The general icky disorganization.
Panic about the CORRECT thing, Soxies.
Bobby V is still not sure about Bard– I’m okay with that uncertainty. It’s this thing Bobby V and I share. If we were friends, we’d talk about this over cheesecake. Bobby V, unlike most of you, Twitter world, gets the free pass dilemma. Bard keeps handing them out. I think it’s because he’s charitable. There’s no room for charitable DURING the games, Bard. That’s what Jimmy Fund events are for…
“I don’t think that even with his good stuff I could handle the walks,” Valentine said. “Now I don’t know if [it’s the] spring…and trying to impress. That’s why I looked for the changeup. If there was a pitch he wasn’t comfortable with and that was causing some of these negative counts, I would have been able to use that as an excuse.”
Of course, look at our options… Doubront… MILLER…
Sigh. With the current troupe of players, Bard might be the default…
I have said all along I trust Aceves’ experience over Bard’s mound moping… I like Bard. I do. I like him in the bull pen. And, for once, I am not alone in the universe…
Speaking of things to get dizzy about- the Red Sox, at $1 billion (which will buy you a lot of yachts, eh, John Henry?), is the THIRD most valuable team, behind Stanks ($1.85 billion) and Dodgers )$1.5 billion). I’m telling you, it’s all those damn trucker hats the Stanks sell.
The Sox were FOURTH highest in TV rankings… But see, no one actually had to watch us last year, with the media’s careful attention to September highlights…
Fun facts to know and tell-
Do you think they’ll refund us our $69 from last year? I sure could use that money. I’d buy eggs.
Have you tweeted me yet? You should.
Speaking of Twitter, apparently, Red Sox Nation was baffled by an Aviles impersonator on Twitter…
PS- They’re trying to make me forget about Jason Varitek again, you guys. I feel as though we should all buy matching NEVER FOREGET bracelets. Who’s with me?
Roy Oswalt and the Sox have no “traction.” That’s what’s being reported today. Again. I care about this… oh… as much as I did LAST week when a similar report surfaced. Oh. And the week before. And the week before. And… tell me, was this Oswalt crap going on THE WEEK BEFORE THAT?
You know what’s more interesting than ANYTHING you have to say, Roy Oswalt? This morning’s Bleacher Report on the five players under the most pressure.
Got me thinking. The five- the Beckster, A-Gonz, Carl Crawfail, Papi and Bardlebutt. And, since I’m a Sox fan, a cynic and in an irritated mood today, obviously, my thought is the following question:
WHICH ONE OF THE FIVE WILL CAVE FIRST? My guess is Daniel Bard.
What do you think?
And what do you think our most controversial offseason move has been thus far? I’m going to go with Marco Scutaro…
In other news, the Patsies are still sobbing Giant tears. So, this morning, Shaughnessy tries to make us feel better by telling us the Red Sox failures are worse. Gee, thanks, Danny.
Speaking of the Patsies, I know I haven’t done an ASK TOO SOXY in awhile, but I got a super cute e-mail yesterday. Ahem:
I can’t believe you John Denvered (Hah. I did that, didn’t I? Oh, the cleverness of me… I like that. I hope that catches on. John Denvered! Oh, classic) the Super Bowl. Do you know that most of your readers are Patriots fans? (I have readers?!) And you get really off topic. Reading your blog is ALREADY annoying (So is your face). Maybe you shouldn’t alienate the fan base you have left. If the Sox had lost to the Giants (um) you’d have a sappy, dramatic One Tree Hill song for us (you do read me! you do!), not John Denver. Maybe you owe your readers an apology.
Brian Cashman, are you an inner New England fan?! I never knew! See, the usual me would mock you for your mixed sports similes and ponder at why you, a good speller, has so much fricking free time. I’d thank you over and over again for your clearly obsessive fanship of my blog and probably send you a commemorative silver star in my mind. But you’re right. The new me should be more sensitive. Should humor you. After all. I am 28-years-old today. Much more mature than yesterday’s 27. So. No John Denver. Here you go. This is me humoring you. And your humiliating, humiliating, excruciating Brady (that’s my new word for LOSS. It’s a verb AND a noun) yesterday. I mean, I did expect you guys to Brady to the Giants. But maybe I should have been more sensitive when you Bradyed. So. It’s just one Brady, after all. I mean, it’s a pretty super Brady. And Madonna was watching. But really, she slept with A-Rod. Her credibility is shot. But I loved her outfit. Did you love her outfit? Life is a mystery… Sing it, blondie. Sing it. Right. Back to you. And your team’s humiliating, nationally televised Brady. Let’s all sway to Joseph Arthur. Who was NOT in an episode of One Tree Hill.
Here. Stare at this while that song is playing for the full effect, k?
So, Soxies, happy my birthday to you. I hope it’s filled with sunshine and wins. You know. And not Bradys.
Derek Jeter and Kobe Bryant are among Brady’s favorite athletes, according to reports.
It’s all starting to make sense. So THAT’s how you finagled starting rotation… rotation for… soul?
I didn’t mean that (I did a little bit).
Speaking of dastardly things, Josh Beckett has FINALLY broken his silence! Finally? Really, media?
“If we would have pitched better, none of that stuff would have even been an issue. And it shouldn’t be an issue anyway because what goes on in the clubhouse should stay in the clubhouse. I don’t care who says that or whatever, I’m not saying we don’t make mistakes in the clubhouse . . . it’s just what goes on in the clubhouse, it’s supposed to stay in the clubhouse.’’
So. Um. Let’s stop talking about it?
Ahem. More news.
Curt Schilling has been so loud lately that even the YANKEES are catching on.
And leave Youkie alone, Boston Dirt Dogs!
Happy day-before-Super Bowl, ladies and gents! And, if you haven’t participated in my Super Bowl pool (um, all but like, three of you), get on that ASAP.
PS- You’re welcome for the Roy Oswalt-free article.
This one’s for you, Bard!
Nick Cafardo and I agree on one thing today. And that is Tim Wakefield.
Who- as I’ve said before- we shouldn’t just write off- despite the imaginary walker.
Not sure it’s safe to assume that his tenure with Boston is over. Even if they don’t sign him right now, what prevents them from bringing him back in May or June or even after the All-Star break if they need a starter? He could always be one of those half-season veteran pitchers.
That’s what I see for Tim. Tim’s a utility guy and a hero. He’s not the guy you parade around the mound for a milestone. He can still serve a purpose.
And every time we write him out- he comes back as a weapon.
Well, you know. Except for that one time. Okay, that several times over the summer.
But that wasn’t his fault, see. It was the number.
Numbers are scary beasts.
So. Here’s the deal, folks. Benny C is playing it… safe? Is that even the word for this? He’s certainly playing it oppositeville. Maybe he was hanging out with Michael Hill… they were playing chess, see, when all of a sudden… the board, it got struck by lightning, right? And their hair frizzed up. Oh! And then, something magical happened like that one time on Gilligan’s Island. They switched brains!!!!!
Or, maybe Benny C doesn’t know we have money.
Maybe he doesn’t read all the disparaging comments people make about how we’re moneybaggers and buy our championships and have a bazillion dollars.
Or maybe he’s busy arguing salaries with our six unsigned arbitration-eligible players: RHP Alfredo Aceves, INF Mike Aviles, RHP Andrew Bailey, RHP Daniel Bard, OF Jacoby Ellsbury and DH David Ortiz.
Or maybe he’s still playing with the rolly chair in what used to be Theo Epstein’s office.
Are we REALLY too broke for Roy Oswalt?
I do not understand how moving around payroll works. I understand that it’s how we lost Alex Rodriguez (blessing in disguise). I understand that the internet understands it better than I do-
Can we unLackey ourselves or something? I mean, it’s not like he can play…
I am so confuzzled by our pseudo-poverty.
So, in other words- this could be as good as it gets- at least for now.
Provided we have Aceves in our rotation- how do we stack up- right now- as of Jan. 17? Because I’m not feeling the rotation strength. The real people we’ll be counting on- Lester, Beckett, Buccholz- they couldn’t pull us out of a Soxplosion. And now they’re starring in our comeback tour? I’m not feeling the pep today, folks.
In other news- it always hurts when someone moves on. You know the relationship is over. You say you’re fine. But it’s like that Gavin DeGraw song-
I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m talking about…
I am having a bad day.
No. You know what? Let me capitalize that.
I am having a BAD DAY.
So, I’m turning to the one thing guaranteed to put a smile on my face and a skip in my step (provided there are no more icy stairs. Skips in one’s steps leaves one vulnerable to really dramatic backflip falls, I hear): Your letters.
In today’s edition of Ask Too Soxy, we first hear from Ryan. Okay. So, that’s not his e-mail signature. But I’ve decided it’s less vulgar to just make up a nondescript name.
Dear Too Soxy (I added the “dear.” I always add the “dear.” Guys, when you e-mail me, could you add in your own “dear?” Thanks.)
How does it feel to vomit your season?
Sincerely (added that too),
Hi, “Ryan.” First of all, let me tell you I appreciate your twitteresque efficiency when it come to the written word. Most people must utilize several lines of text before revealing themselves as jackasses devoid of constructive thought, a feat you alone can accomplish in eight words. Bravo! And using the word “vomit” instead of its lesser urban descriptors (barf, puke, etc) definitely showcases your post-10th grade education. So kudos to you! No toothbrush toilet scrubbing for “Ryan!” I didn’t realize they had Internet access at your temporary-just-until-your-screenplay-about-frogs-takes-off job at the Mini-Mart. And your generalizations! I applaud you on your ability (one shared by several, mind you- a fact I must point out so that you don’t think I’m applauding any creativity) to lump an entire season into a one-month Soxsplosion. That must be very freeing. Like that time you were canned from Taco Bell for never showing up to work, yet thought it all had to do with jealousy over your screenplay’s recent near success at the local writer’s guild critique at Golden Corral. It must be very freeing to, instead of concentrating on your life as a whole (yikes) series of failures, be able to fixate on that last mini-failure. It probably helps keep the cold, cold despair from trickling out of your eyelids on those blind dates that have been less and less frequent lately. Now, to answer your question: Frankly, “Ryan,” it sucks.
Sincerely, (<- see what a positive punch that one little adverb can have, “Ryan?”)
Next, let’s cross over to the Midwest and hear from John. John says he’s from Michigan. See, I’m thrilled to hear from someone from Michigan. Thrilled. Because it’s 29 degrees outside. And I bet you’re colder, John. Thank you for that.
I am excited to have Daniel Bard start. I think it’s a good move, but I see you keep saying mistake. What other choice do we have, (I added the comma) really?
Dear John (hah! I feel like I’m in a bad Nicholas Sparks novel all of a sudden. I kind of don’t want to leave the parenthesis because then cruel, cruel reality will set in…),
Daniel Bard has done this starting thing before, remember? I believe an appropriate summation would be the following hyphenated term: Mega-fail. He wasn’t just inefficient. He was bad. He was like, Lackey-in-an-important-game bad.
Additionally, he has already shown that pressure gives him more than hives. It gives him the temporary title of “Crazy Pitch.”
We’re already shifting Alfredo Aceves- who, I might add, is the epitome of versatility. You take out Aceves AND Bard and you’re just asking for trouble. A bullpen without badassery is just… well… a fence.
I’m a fan of leaving Bard EXACTLY where he is. Bullpen super star. I think “Crazy Pitch” was flukey this fall and, while I am confident that flukes aren’t permanent- that doesn’t mean I trust him at something as crucial as closing, either. He needs a hot second to warm up to badassery and closers don’t have the hot second. They are the hot second. Bard is just not up to hot second snuff. Let’s pop him in the bullpen and watch what happens.
What other choice do we have? We have all the choices in the world, John. We have, right now, Clay. We have Beckett. We have Aceves. We have Lester. We have Miller- but I think he’s bullpenable too. We have the capability of snatching someone. It’s a long off-season. And don’t count out Doubrant, who is much more startable (look at Triple A) than Bard. I think Ben Cherington is making a big mistake by not making big moves. The more we stall, the more terrible the answer to the question- What other choice do we have?- becomes. Am I the only one holding out an ounce of Dice-K hope?
A girl that’s into sports. I never thought I would meet one. You are awesome.
A girl that’s into sports. You still haven’t met one. This is the Internet, Jason. I could be a Tibetan monk with an I-phone. Or a rebellious Amish blacksmith or something with a record-setting beard. You don’t know.
We both do, however, know that I am awesome. Thanks for further bringing my awesomeness to my attention. Sometimes I think I’ll forget.
Dear Too Soxy,
You talk smack about Manny, but he’s the Sox’s golden child. So when you talk smack about Manny, you’re talking smack about the Sox. Think about that.
I was extremely disappointed to find you’re not nearly as peppy as your name implies. Seriously. Sunny is a name that evokes positivity. Optimism. I have decided to call you Cloudy. Cloudy McManny. I think that’s more appropriate. And I like adding “mc” to things. Let me start this again:
Dear Cloudy McManny,
Thank you so much for reading. It’s wonderful to know that out of all the Sox sites in all the world, you’ve stumbled into mine.
As far as talking “smack” about Manny, while it’s true I have made some extremely spot-on observations, the “smack” is what Ramirez is injecting into those obnoxiously veiny arms of his. And, the truth is in the juice. He got caught post-Sox. Therefore, I’m talking shit (much better term than “smack” now that I’ve told you what “smack” really means, right?) about the post-Sox Manny.
At least as far as steroids are concerned.
Sox Manny was a jackass. A point I have been on the record about pre- and post- Sox ouster. I take extreme issue with players who simply don’t want to play. Manny wanted to prank. Manny wanted to pose. But Manny didn’t want to play. Good riddance.
And seriously- how many bridges does Manny have to burn before baseball says no?
And, with that beep, my day just got worse.
Think of me, Soxies.
PS- make your letters LONGER. Shoot them to email@example.com
The official Too Soxy opinion?
So. Brian Cashman of Stankees infamy does have a redeeming quality: His taste in players. When asked to identify his favorite player to watch from another club, he only said what everyone was thinking.
“Kevin Youkilis probably. He really grinds out an at-bat and just kills you. He is so determined,” said Cashman. “You can pitch him in. You can hit him. Whatever. He just gets back in there and it’s sheer determination. It’s never a comfortable at-bat when you’re watching this guy try to do damage against your pitchers. He just finds a way to do it. I appreciate watching how he goes about his business and just how tenacious he is. A lot of these guys are very controlled in this sport, unlike football. But he’s got a tenaciousness that just oozes right through his bat, right there at the plate, and it’s pretty special to watch.”
He IS pretty special, isn’t he?
And, before you totally blink out of oppositeville, guess who Sox scout Galen Car said: DEREK JETER.
In good news, Captain Obvious’s messages are finally hitting home, as Alfredo Aceves is being conditioned to start in the Sox rotation.
The “I-told-you-so” chorus would be louder, but it is currently Papelgrieving, so…
There are also rumors that Bard’s being looked at for rotation. But that’s a bad idea. Why?
Were you watching baseball this summer? Do we really have to relive the pain? He’s a short-term pitcher with not a lot of inning depth- and his eyes bug out in pressure games. Let’s work him in the bullpen until he’s unJenksed, k?
And rumors are circulating about Matt Cain.
The MANAGER Search
And Torey Lovullo (ex Paw-Sox manager) and Gene Lamont (Tigers) are adding their names to the dating pool for the management gig. And I have a TooSoxy endorsement that may not be the most popular.
Yes, I know he’s a Jay- but just hear me out. Not only has he ALREADY had to deal with Sox drama (Paw Sox, yep, Paw Sox) AND is familiar with the players- he’s currently the righthand of John Farrell. Something HAS to have rubbed off. Darkhorse? Yes. Popular? No. Sveum? No. My choice? YES.
To be fair, Lamont and Sveum have also worked with the Sox- but in a bigger capacity- so they could already be tainted by Front Office whimsy. It all makes sense in my head, see.
Besides, the killer is always the person you least suspect. And NO ONE suspects Lovullo.
And, since I know how much my opinion means to you, America- start reaquainting yourself to Clam Chowder, New England style, Lovullo. And the rest of you, start learning to spell his name. THREE Ls, people. Come on.
So. Paps is out. But that doesn’t mean we have to lose the rest of our hopes and dreams. There’s Jason Varitek, and FireBrand says it’s time to let go:
Based on what you can expect from a 40-year old catcher, it might best to move on. It’s Lavarnway time but it’s always great to remember how important Varitek has been to the Boston Red Sox and how lucky we were to have him.
TooSoxy has a different opinion.
We’ll never let go, will we, Soxies? (Yes. I went there)
So he’s no spring chicken (Is it too soon for chicken jokes?). Tek needs to retire in a Sox uniform. He’s more than a glove. He’s a leader. I say slide him into Curt Young’s vacancy. He’s more than the catcher. He’s the captain. And after what we’ve been through, we need stability, continuity and JASON VARITEK.
David Ortiz. If Tek is the soul of the Sox, Ortiz is its heart. And he’s not going ANYWHERE. Right, Ben Cherington? Right?
“There’s some interesting guysout there that could factor into our right-field mix,” said Cherington. “A lot of that depends again on David. If David’s here, we’re going to go in a certain direction with the outfield. If he’s not here, it sort of opens it up a little bit. There’s alternatives, both in free agency and in a trade market for guys that can play right field.”
Is anyone else NOT comforted by that?
Theo Epstein is really gone. Really, really. And, even though HE CAN’T SEEM TO SHUT UP AND LET GO… we have to.
“How do you describe a death spiral?” he said. “We knew we had issues going into September (even though) we were on pace for 100 wins. We just couldn’t stop bleeding. A lot of things happened at the same time. We lost a few key guys to injury, a few guys had a significant downturn in their performance, and all of a sudden we looked up and we didn’t have enough pitching.”
“There weren’t players getting drunk during games. And it wasn’t widespread — it might have been one, two, three guys,” Epstein said.
Stop talking! You are making it worse!
I think this is alllllll part of the plan to steal our manager candidates.
And, in bizarrely horrific news, remember the Washington Nationals catcher kidnapped in Venezuela? (This really happened) He’s been rescued.
What is the world coming to?
So much news. Anyone else’s eyes rolling around in their heads?
TooSoxy has Twitter
And, in the most exciting news news of the weekend, we officially have a Twitter page. Tweet me. Tweet me like you’ve never Tweeted before.
So, thoughts people! Manager search! Ortiz! Tek! Who should stay? Who should go? Who should be kidnapped next in Venezuela (too soon, Lauren. Too soon)? Onward to the caffiene.