Home > Uncategorized > Dear Kelly Shoppach, David Price isn’t your friend any more. Oh, and you’re playing for two now.

Dear Kelly Shoppach, David Price isn’t your friend any more. Oh, and you’re playing for two now.

Dear Kelly Shoppach,

I know that I said I would hate you forever because what your addition might mean for the second love of my life, Jason Varitek.

I (mostly) didn’t mean that.

I mean. Your name is punny, I guess. I can make… um… shopping jokes. And. Um. I guess you know how to catch. I mean, sometimes. You don’t have a really cool, sweet, savvy “C” on your jersey, but whatever. I’ve decided to blame Nick Cafardo if something happens to Tek, so you’re off the hook. Mostly.

But there’s something I need to talk to you about. And this is going to be awkward.

Okay. Here goes.

I was on your Twitter account this morning… You know. Just growling at you and doing that shake-my-fist-at-the-sky thing where I scream out “VARITEK” and the universe answers tears with rain… you know. That old thing. And I noticed a little… um… exchange.

Kelly. Dear, Kelly. If you’re going to be one of us… well… the David Price banter is going to have to stop.

You don’t know this (how could you, you poor, innocent, fanless Ray), but David Price… well… he’s kind of a jackass. I know. In the sea of Jackasses you’re used to thumping chests with, with he probably doesn’t seem like much.

It’s not your fault, Kelly. You’ve been trapped. Isolated. In that scary-turfed Orange Juice stadium with no fans. Raised by the likes of Johnny Damon. Who can blame you, really?

But we’re taking you away from all that, Kelly. We’re whisking you away from those late night pajama parties where it’s just you and Damon and Maddon (you probably call in Greg and Joba too), doing each other’s nails and brainstorming over the motto for your evil league.

Here. Read this, Kelly Shoppach. I think I explain my David Price feelings eloquently.

You’re one of us now. One of US. You hear me, Kelly Shoppach?

You’re not just catching for yourself, Kelly. You’re catching for Jason Varitek. You’re catching for TWO. Your life is no longer your own.

You must live. Because he can’t.

Can you tell I’ve been up all night watching war movies?

Welcome to Boston.


PS- David Price- NEVER FORGET!

It's okay, baby. You will be avenged.

  1. December 16, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I can’t wait until about mid June, when you’ve suffered through 2 and a half months of the Shopp-vac, and all you’re doing is yelling and screaming… more than usual… and bitching about his 0-4 with four strikeouts the previouws night and his 3 for his last 54 streak, but 27 for 27 for bats broken over his leg… it’s coming. be prepared. i would know, i lived through it.

    • JW
      December 16, 2011 at 1:53 pm

      ^ – Bingo…Many people don’t know this, but “Shoppach” is an old Wampanoag Indian word meaning “500 useless at-bats.”

      Someday, these words – “You’re one of us now. One of US. You hear me, Kelly Shoppach?” – will have a horrid pain level for you, Soxy…

  2. December 16, 2011 at 10:16 am

    “Red So Go Shopping” Best title for me in a while, I’d say.

  3. FireDannyAinge
    December 16, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Shoppach will be traded by June. I am guaranteeing it. He is useless and we already know this.

    BYE THE WAY, Remember Youkilis says the fans and media make too much of people throwing at him. He then rolled his eyes and was his usual obnoxious I mean lovable self.

    • S. D. Horne
      December 16, 2011 at 6:05 pm

      Agreed. Lavarnway will rope in Triple-A and get called up. Shoppach will be shopped then shipped.

  4. FireDannyAinge
    December 16, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    They had a poll in a Florida newspaper asking their 3 fans who they think they should trade away and 35 percent said David Price. No one likes Price.lol

    • December 17, 2011 at 2:03 am

      i saw that! david price twittered about that! i think he “lol”-ed.

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