Ask Too Soxy: VoldeMARK and other ridiculous people who question my Youk-love

So. I can’t sleep. I have a biggggg interview tomorrow in Raleigh. And, you know. Have to get up early. So, obviously, it’s 1:43 and I’m as chipper as Pedroia during a double-header. Attempting to sleep on my sister’s couch. And there are all these noises, see… no telling what they could be…

So. To recap. Can’t sleep.

But I can soooooo answer your e-mails! Shoot them to me at ohnolauren@gmail.com.

We begin today’s Ask Too Soxy with a guy who signs his e-mails “Brain,” but whose e-mail address starts with “Brian.”

Too Soxy,

It’s the end of days for Youkilis. I’m sorry to have to tell you that. But Nick Punto means the end for your love story.

Sincerely,

BRAIN

I am not going to dignify that with a response.

Lauren,

Youk was the problem in the dugout. He’s going to be traded. And it’s going to be good riddance. And you’ll get over it and find a new love.

Sincerely,

VOLDEMORT (okay, so his name was Mark. But look at that e-mail, people, and you tell me who REALLY wrote it)

Youk is not going anywhere. See, I know this for a fact. FOR A FACT. God and I had this conversation in October. It was a brief chat, coffee talk, really. But we worked something out. So you can shut your Harry Potter cursing face.

Why are people so jealous of my true love for Kevin Youkilis, Soxies? It’s pure and beautiful and magical and it should be respected, envied and sought after. Stop persecuting me for my beliefs!!!! I don’t criticize you for your denial jeans.

Can someone send me a REAL letter please?

Oh GOOD.

TooSoxy,

Who is going to get Yu Darvish?

Kudos.

Jay

Dear Jay,

Thank you, Jay, for not being a complete jackass in your e-mail. It shows good upbringing. Clearly, you are from some place neat. Like Toronto. Or some small town in Connecticut. A suburb, probably. Did you ever see the opening credits of “Weeds?” I mean, I’m sure you don’t smoke up the Mary Jane (you probably spend your money on poetry books and Oprah magazine subscriptions), but you TOTALLY live in a house made of ticky-tack.

I was hoping it would be us, Jay. But, since we’ve made as many moves this season as a 16-year-old version of VOLDE-MARK, I can’t say I’m too surprised at our whopping bid of nothing. I mean, it’s not like we have a manager known for his dealings with the Japanese (oh wait). Or a significant need for an arm (oh wait). Or a bazillion dollars or anything (oh wait). I have this scary feeling that it’s going to be Theo. I have this scary, icky, unsettling feeling that he’s taking our mojo, smacking it together like ceramic clay, and making little winners. Could be the Blue Jays, but I’m kind of counting on sucky pitching from them this year to make up for not giving us John Farrell. It’s really the least they could do.

The biggest moves they’ve made this year haven’t been acquisitions. It’s been exports. Shipping out Jed Lowrie (have fun restocking that first aid kit every eleven minutes, Houston) and Kyle Weiland do not count as game changers, kiddies. And Punto and Melancon are welcome, but they’re not exciting enough for me to commemorate this week on a Christmas ornament.

The biggest move thus far has been David Ortiz. And, since, you know, we kind of already owned his soul, that makes our season about as exciting as unbleached flour.

Moves need to be made. And soon. At this point, just pay for it, Cherington. Spend the cash. Deal with the penalties. And read your finger for another World Series ring. May I recommend Bailey?

Because- let’s be honest- Melancon? Bullpen.

Sincerely,

Lauren

PS- I love ticky tack. Um. It’s like cement, right?

Toosocks (? Really ?),

I read what you wrote (Um. Like. A million years ago) and just wanted to tell you Jacoby Ellsbury in no way deserved MVP. Give it to a team that knows how to win. Jacoby is overrated. Verlander made the season. Don’t you think the Cy Young was deserved? Red Sox fans always think they should win everything.

Juice

Dear. Um. Juice,

Thank you so much for reading what I wrote. Your eyes eagerly scanning the page for things that I type out of boredom… well… it touches me. Right here. I’m touching my heart. I mean, not really. Okay. So I’m typing. But the thought exists, and it exists for you alone today, um… Juice.

Is Juice your real name? Is it short for Juicy Juice? Because I know this guy…

Sorry. How rude of me! Back to your question. Even though, I’m sure you’re used to people changing the subject. It’s probably how you developed that stutter.

Actually, contrary to your poorly organized opinion, Jacoby Ellsbury DID deserve the MVP. You know it stands for Most-Valuable-Player, right? The Most-Valuable-Pitcher award is the Cy Young.

Anywho. Jacoby Ellsbury did this crazy thing called playing. In fact, he was the ONLY one playing. It was kind of valuable. One might even say MOST VALUABLE. Oh. And he won America tacos this one time, so there’s that.

“Give it to a team that knows how to win.”

You know how I hate pointing out errors. Actually, the MVP award goes to a player. Not a team.

And Jacoby’s not overrated. He’s underrated. Because there’s still no Jacoby Day.

Verlander- Cy Young. Totally. Verlander- MVP, CRAP.

Do you remember Pedro Martinez? Offffffff course you don’t. Okay. When you were like negative two-years-old and your mother had jusssst started doing the nasty with the UPS driver that would become daddy candidate number one, there was this guy named Pedro Martinez, who pitched like you pitch fits. And he didn’t get the MVP. So Verlander? Not so much.

“Red Sox fans always think they should win everything.” Well. Yep.

Now, as far as TooSocks. I’m not sure what you were trying to do. I mean, did you mean two socks? Because I have two socks somewhere. But I’m trying to sleep, so I’m kind of doing the barefoot thing right now.

Oh. Shouldn’t have told you that. Now you’re going to have one of those icky dreams again.

Sincerely,

Lauren

—–

See how I’m still awake? It is 2:18 a.m. These letters were a total sheep fail.

I am so fricking nervous, excited, exhausted, bubbly and irritable about the job interview tomorrow.

So. Going to try to do that sleep thing? Yep.

Keep the letters coming- ohnolauren@gmail.com.

~L