Dear Kelly Shoppach,
I know that I said I would hate you forever because what your addition might mean for the second love of my life, Jason Varitek.
I (mostly) didn’t mean that.
I mean. Your name is punny, I guess. I can make… um… shopping jokes. And. Um. I guess you know how to catch. I mean, sometimes. You don’t have a really cool, sweet, savvy “C” on your jersey, but whatever. I’ve decided to blame Nick Cafardo if something happens to Tek, so you’re off the hook. Mostly.
But there’s something I need to talk to you about. And this is going to be awkward.
Okay. Here goes.
I was on your Twitter account this morning… You know. Just growling at you and doing that shake-my-fist-at-the-sky thing where I scream out “VARITEK” and the universe answers tears with rain… you know. That old thing. And I noticed a little… um… exchange.
You don’t know this (how could you, you poor, innocent, fanless Ray), but David Price… well… he’s kind of a jackass. I know. In the sea of Jackasses you’re used to thumping chests with, with he probably doesn’t seem like much.
It’s not your fault, Kelly. You’ve been trapped. Isolated. In that scary-turfed Orange Juice stadium with no fans. Raised by the likes of Johnny Damon. Who can blame you, really?
But we’re taking you away from all that, Kelly. We’re whisking you away from those late night pajama parties where it’s just you and Damon and Maddon (you probably call in Greg and Joba too), doing each other’s nails and brainstorming over the motto for your evil league.
Here. Read this, Kelly Shoppach. I think I explain my David Price feelings eloquently.
You’re one of us now. One of US. You hear me, Kelly Shoppach?
You’re not just catching for yourself, Kelly. You’re catching for Jason Varitek. You’re catching for TWO. Your life is no longer your own.
You must live. Because he can’t.
Can you tell I’ve been up all night watching war movies?
Welcome to Boston.
PS- David Price- NEVER FORGET!
Varitek “may still be in the picture” for the Red Sox.
Dare to dream?
Damn you, “major league source” and your encouragement!!!!
This is what I get, Soxies. This is what I get for being distracted by my OWN issues. DAMN YOU, BEN CHERINGTON!!!!!!!!!
I look away for ONE SECOND. One fricking second. And THIS is what happens.
We will NEVER be friends, Kelly Shoppach.
And this is a strike and a HALF for you, Ben Cherington. And for you, Bobby Valentine. And for YOU, America. For blogging all week long about how outplayed Tek is.
When he was drafted, Shoppach was regarded as the potential catcher-of-the-future who might ultimately take Varitek’s place. A decade later, that outcome appears to be coming to fruition, albeit in unexpected fashion.
Say it isn’t true! Make it not be true!!!!!!!
This is EXACTLY like that scene in West Side Story where Chino tells Maria Tony killed her brother. EXACTLY like that.
Okay. So maybe it’s not like THIS version. But imagine this as a GOOD version.
Tek isn’t about the numbers. He’s about the heart. And about stability. And every other thing that’s been fizzling since Soxsplosion. I just want some fricking stability. Is that so much to ask for? Is that so wrong? It’s always the children that suffer, Benny C. You people NEVER think of the children.
As for you, Jason Varitek- it’s not over for us.
I don’t care what the Red Sox say. You’ll always be captain to me.
More on this later when I can see through my tears.
Can you at least return to my have-Tek-replace-Curt-Young plan? Please?????
My feelings can best be expressed in the 90s classic, “Say it ain’t so” by Weezer.
Youtube is fun today.