Mannywood. Oh. My. God. It’s real.
You guys know how much I LOVE to make fun of egotistical fan sites, right? I found the best one today. THE BEST ONE. The site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as the farmer in Babe. A site that makes Johnny Damon look as humble as dryer lint, really. A site that makes… well… why don’t you just SEE FOR YOURSELF.
Just when you thought it was safe to refresh your browser… THERE IS A VIDEO. A VIDEO, Soxies. With AMERICAN FLAGS.
So, I found THIS while looking to see if the juice king himself was really taking another shot at the ALE (he is, by the way, the ORIOLES, but that’s not nearly as laughable as that opening video).
It’s like the universe is wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously. There’s so much to make fun of! There’s the intro, obviously. The bio. The fact that his middle name is Aristides. The fact that he’s called a “fixture,” a star, a hitter… but not a juicer? Oh! And it says he’s a Dodger (way to update, Juiceter)- but makes NO MENTION OF HIS RED SOX TENURE! How interesting, because when I talk about the Red Sox, I make no mention of you, Juicy Juicerez.
Oh! Oh! Oh! And there are photos! There’s a whole clicky button for photos (they leave out this one, though). And a section for Kids! Where you can play him (yeah, you’ll see his name enough on the website. I don’t have to type it on this blog) battling aliens! It’s like you’re throwing baseballs at aliens, but to make it more fun, do what I did and imagine it’s a syringe. There are even T-SHIRTS. I would LOVE to meet someone who actually buys these T-Shirts.
AND- just when you think the website can’t get ANY BETTER- oh, it does. It does.
There’s a FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS page! Strange, though, in between his favorite cartoon (Anime? Really?) and favorite movie (the Matrix, by the way), there’s nothing in FAQ about his favorite steroid. Or his favorite place to inject. Or even his favorite mug shot!!!! I kind of feel cheated, you know? Manny, you know a lot about cheating…
So, as my me-Birthday gift to you, I leave you this amazing gem to make fun of. May it bring you as much joy as it did to me. And, of course, alien-hating children everywhere.
~L
What a GREAT day. Thanks, Juice King. Thanks.
Seriously. It can’t possibly be REAL, can it? Can it?
PS- Just when I thought it couldn’t get funnier… CLICK HERE. Just do it.
An ode to Timmy: Timmy Wakefield
Tim Wakefield, aka Father Time- as the media would have you believe, wants another year. See, Wake’s the definition of a utility player- the first to raise his hand and literally the last to leave the bullpen. He’s like our “Wonder Years” dad. You know. But happier and slightly less curmudgeonly. There with supportive words of wisdom and the occasional scowling wisecrack. Working quietly in the background. But highlighted in select episodes so that we’ll be guilted into telling our own fathers “thank you?” But, you know, not always integral to the front-and-center Fred Savage-Winnie plot today?
In other words, Tim Wakefield is a workhorse. Just one that may be working at spending his money next season, not getting ours…
“I just saw that (Jorge) Posada retired, you know it’s something that my wife and I need to talk about,” Wakefield said, according to FloridaToday.com. “I’d probably need to talk about it with my kids, too. Ultimately, I would like to obviously play for the Boston Red Sox for one more year and see where it goes.”
Anyone else imagine his voice all mopey when he says that?
Okay. Now imagine it in this voice!
With the Sox since 1995. I was eleven. MLB debut in 1992. I was six. 200 wins. 2,156 strikeouts. A bazillion smiles.
And it’s not that repetitive denial that has-beens repeat on their Facebook and Twitter feeds. Wake DOES have stones left.
It’s just- do those stones fit into our ball park and our ALREADY cramped pen?
“There have been a number of clubs who have called, who have an interest in signing me but I’m kind of just weighing my options right now,” he said, obviously waiting and hoping that Boston will make an offer. “I think I can be a valuable asset to them as an insurance policy, you know a fifth or sixth starter or if something doesn’t pan out for some of the guys they have already penciled in to the rotation. You know that’s kind of been my job these last two years; I don’t have a problem doing that.”
Getting past the condescension of the author’s “obviously waiting” remark (I hate condescending reporters, don’t you?)… He knows his value. As an insurance policy.
And that is assuming Daniel Bard fits in as No. 4 starter, which remains an assumption for now.
He’s not asking to take the lead. He’s not asking for $$$. He’s not asking for fame. He’s just asking to keep playing baseball, with a humility that SOME people (ahem, Lackey. Papelbon. Probably Jacoby next year) could learn from…
And even at 45-he can still be a benefit. My thoughts? We hold onto him. Not make him part of our regular rotation. Not make him part of our bullpen. But keep him for a clutch moment when everyone’s arm is shot. Going to happen. Late this summer when the rotation is tired and we need a miracle. A hero. Someone with a good attitude. Because when Tim does rise from the ashes of everyone else’s failure- that’s when he pulls it out. That’s when he shines. And that’s when debates start about his robotness. Save him for when we need him. And let him retire in a Sox jersey. He’s earned it.
And seriously, Benny C. Call. Him. Back.
You NEVER forget to call your father. Bad things happen, Ben Cherington. Bad things. He’ll just show up at your doorstep. He’ll just show up. And demand to see your packing progress. And when you don’t have packing progress, he’ll compensate by packing your coffee. And you won’t be able to find it. And you’ll have to go to a gas station Monday morning. A GAS STATION. That’s $1.99 you’ll NEVER get back, Ben.
—-
PS- and this is random- but I miss Mike Lowell. I miss Mike Lowell so much that it hurts sometimes.
Mike Lowell would NEVER have let Soxsplosion happen. No, sir. Not Mike Lowell…
I’m okay… I’m okay…
—-
In less somber news (because that was somber, man), Curt Schilling is expressing his opinions again. This time about something waaay more relevant than his usual cup of bitters. He’s defending something video gamey that I’ve never heard of. Whatever, Curt. Did you know he owned a video game studio? Did you care?
—
HuffPost released an interesting list today- the 10 worst contracts in baseball. Carl Crawford is #10. John Lackey is #6. Alex Rodriguez is #3.
Jason Werth is #1? Really?
—-
Manny Ramirez, Juice King, may be back in the MLB fold, as the A’s are rumored to crave juice… Be a part of the collective eye roll in 3, 2, 1… NOW.
—-
MLB is reeealllyyyy struggling for news. So they popped up a craptastic piece about how we don’t always know who wins or loses pre-season. Wow with the ace reporting, skip. We allllll know which team this article aims to scrutinize passive aggressively.
—
Roy Oswalt, enjoying the attention, clearly, is going to milk it just a little bit longer before taking a deal with (probably) the Cardinals.
—
And here’s a theory about putting Jose Iglesias in the shortstop dance.
—-
So. How’s your Monday?
I’d quit again, if I could.
Is a dramatic exit redundant when you’ve already put in your two weeks? I think it might be time to stage “I quit: The Musical.” I’m good on vocals, but I’m going to need a five string…
~L
Manny Ramirez might be a bird. Which makes sense. Because he likes to squack.
Manny Ramirez, aka: the She-Juicer, found a few suckers to watch him play baseball– the Blue Jays and the Orioles.
Buck Showalter, I expected this from you… But Danny Duquette?
AND JOHN FARRELL????
Really?
Canada, I thought you were a better country than that.
Duquette! I thought you had better taste.
AND JOHN FARRELL?????? I called you brilliant, like, a month ago, in a blog post. I did. Remember how I wanted YOU and not Bobby V?
Well, now that I have this keen perspective on life (thanks, JOHN), I like Bobby V even more…
I’d like to know how my bird friends feel about this.
“Manny’s an interesting guy,” Duquette said. “He’s interesting to the fans. And he can hit. Or he could hit. I don’t know if he still can.”
As the Red Sox’s general manager, Duquette signed Ramirez in 2000 and has always liked Ramirez as a hitter.
“He wants another opportunity,” Duquette said. “He’s trying hard to get one.”
Why don’t you just fill the syringe for him, Danny?
INTERESTING? So is Roger Clemmons.
The part of this article I find INTERESTING? The fact that Manny is turning 40. Did you know that?
Duquette wouldn’t confirm anything to MASN–
“People have been trying to link us to Ramirez because I signed him in Boston, ” Duquette said, “and they’ve been doing that ever since he said that he wanted to play ball again.”
Well, better you guys than us.
He may snake his way into a bird stadium… but at least he’ll stay out of Cooperstown.
Despite the talent he flashed as a youngster, the two failed drug tests — in 2009 with the Dodgers and 2011 with the Rays — have stained his legacy forever.
And the drug tests are just part of my anti-Mannyness.
After savoring success, he succumbed to laziness. He became a lackluster defender in the outfield. He couldn’t keep track of his “injured” knees and milked the attention. He strolled down to first base as opposed to hustling on ground balls.
Imagine if Ramirez had the work ethic to complement his talent. He could have been destined to reign atop the all-time home run list and would have shattered many more records than he currently holds.
—-
As far as our boys in Boston? Apparently, we’re looking at outfielders.
And Bobby Valentine is keeping busy.
—–
As for me…
Day three of crippledom.
Today my mother came to visit. She took me shopping.
We got a wheelchair at the mall and she wheeled me around for an hour.
It. Was. Weird.
But I got ice cream. So there’s that.
~L
Manny being Manny and hijacking your headlines
In the first flat out rejection of my New Year’s predictions, Manny Ramirez once again elbows his way toward press attention.
Just when you thought it was safe to return to your Google news alerts…
He’s baaaack…
And coming to a ballpark near you…
Seriously? I have rolled my eyes about this since the She-Juicer first tried to re-relevant himself in December.
100 games reduced to a 50 game suspension is still… well, a 50 game suspension. And then there’s the “retirement.” Oh, and the attitude. Let’s focus on the attitude.
“Every day that goes by I regret the decisions (NOTE HOW PLURAL THIS IS) I made by following bad advice (FROM WHO? BE SPECIFIC),” Ramirez said. “We are human (SANS JUICE), we make mistakes (PLURAL!), we are not perfect. Everybody deserves a chance to show he has changed.”
It’s my understanding you got that chance, Manny. But sure. Okay. Let me help you out. I’ll play Bob Barker to your prize package, k?
Attention, MLB teams. For the low-low-low price of your dignity, 50 games and undisclosed amount of… um… juice… the following prize package could be YOURS! Would models make this more interesting? I think models would make this more interesting.
1. Smelly dreadlocks that go unwashed for luck. And a dirty helmet. Oh. And a smirk.
2. The constant repetition of “Manny being Manny,” because if you don’t say it, the realization that “Manny being Manny” is really “Manny being a jackass” is too irritating to bear.
3. A bad attitude.
4. Infamy.
5. Mysterious and phantom injuries! ooooooooh. Scary!
6. Juice!
Really, America?
Feel free to post other selling points in the comments.
He’s holding a workout for “interested teams.”
INTERESTED TEAMS?
The Bleacher Report sums this up nicely:
We often need to separate the difference between what should happen and what will happen. Manny Ramirez should never face another pitch in Major League Baseball. But none of that means that he won’t ever see another pitch. Someone will bring him in.
Ben Cherington, this is one I’d appreciate you missing. Thanks.
~L
Of course Jacoby was robbed. And…?
The internet seems SURPRISED that Jacoby Ellsbury didn’t win MVP.
Really internet? Really? Don’t you get that NOTHING IS WORKING FOR US RIGHT NOW? Nothing!
I mean, you could say I was SURPRISED at September Soxsplosion.
That was surprising, right?
Oh! And when Terry Francona left. That was surprising.
When Theo left… that was… um… startling.
Oh! And Curt Young left.
That was… um…
And the other people… they were…
And Jonathan Papel—
Nothing surprises me about Soxpocalypse, 2011.
NOTHING.
My surprise nerve? It’s dead.
Kind of like my optimistic-about-Ben-Cherington-nerve.
DEAD.
My thoughts on Valentine?
Indifference. You and I, Ben Cherington, we apparently have the same level of influence. I wanted Lovullo. You were like, whatever. You wanted Sveum. They were like whatever.
So. Whatever.
I’m looking for new jobs. See, this is important, Ben Cherington. Because it has to be the right job. Remember that time you took a job and then your bosses nixed your ideas in your first month? And it was kind of humiliating and made us all agree with Shaughnessy about something? I don’t want that to happen to me. New jobs in Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill. I am this specific in case you know something, internet friends. In case you know ANYTHING. ohnolauren@gmail.com.
You know what else is important? PAYING YOUR HOUSEKEEPERS, Manny Ramirez. Manny Ramirez news is always fun.
Yeah. So. Mondays suck.
~L
NOOOOOOO! Wrong JL. WRONG JL!
Jon Lester. 15-day disabled list.
John Lackey. On another kind of DL.
The DENIAL List.
And no. I’m not talking about a river in Egypt.
I’m talking about a sloth on the mound.
DENIAL.
But who is in greater denial? John Lackey, who has an ERA of OVER 7.4, allows 7 runs in like three innings AND then says things like ““Overall, my arm felt pretty good?”
Or Theo Epstein, for STILL holding on to his $85 mill investment? An investment that is making the 2008 economic collapse look like a checking error.
Despite BUZZ to the contrary, he’s still around. Or maybe we’ve just ALLLLLL got our JLs mixed up. JOHN LACKEY, God. NOT JON LESTER.
Perhaps we should have all been more clear. That’s the last time I close my eyes and wish with initials alone.
“Maybe,” coworker-who-barely-knows-what-baseball-is says, to stop me from continuing ANOTHER John Lackey rant, “This Ted Epstein doesn’t have cable.”
I don’t have cable.
“Maybe,” exasperated coworker says, “He’s not as tech savvy as you with the internets.” (yes, we say the internets, plural, in THIS office)
He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars.
“Maybe,” dead-inside-coworker says, “He has better things to do than fire pitchers.”
He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars to do this.
“Maybe,” bleary-eyed coworker says, “You should save this for your blog.”
But, I already blogged about John Lackey. Like… ALL THE TIME.
And then he told me to shut up. Me. I know. The nerve of SOME PEOPLE.
~L
PS- as for YESTERDAY? I thought he was out. Don’t like it? Petition Bud Selig for robot umps. Oh-oh-oh- And Johnny Damon hurt his ‘ittle wrist. I’m playing “Cry me a River” on my way home from work.
—–
PS- MORE STEROID NEWS. Awesome. They should call today WednesROIDday.
Alex Rodriguez’ doctor pleaded guilty today in federal court for… *drum roll* bringing drugs from Canada… including *another drum roll* HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!
Awesome. Thanks, guys. For CONTINUALLY throwing the juice in America’s face.
————-
Other athletes on…
the DENIAL List:
Johnny Damon (I’m still relevant! Hall of Fame, hear I come!)
Roger Clemens (They were manly vitamins, man! Andy is my BEST friend)
Andy Pettitte (Roger is my BEST friend)
Derek Jeter (I’m still in the game!)
Jason Giambi (Wow, people sooooooo care about what I have to say)
Coco Crisp (This hairstyle is a GREAT look for me!)
Tiger Woods (I can change!)
Dale Earnhardt Jr (It’s a real sport. Really.)
The US Women’s Soccer Team (People are sooooo watching us on television right now. Sad but true, people. )
Maxim Lapierre (Je suis étonnant!)
Dirk Nowitzki (I have normal arms. Really. You guyyyssssss)
Jorge Posada (I could totally play another five years)
Manny Ramirez (This will ALLLL blow over)
Alex Rodriguez (They ALLLLL want to be my girlfriend)
The Cubs (It will happen our lifetime, guys!)
Got anymore? I’m trying to compile an official list. Then I’ll move onto actors. That means you, Nicholas Cage!