NOOOOOOO! Wrong JL. WRONG JL!

Jon Lester. 15-day disabled list.

John Lackey. On another kind of DL.

The DENIAL List.

And no. I’m not talking about a river in Egypt.

I’m talking about a sloth on the mound.

DENIAL.

But who is in greater denial? John Lackey, who has an ERA of OVER 7.4, allows 7 runs in like three innings AND then says things like ““Overall, my arm felt pretty good?”

Or Theo Epstein, for STILL holding on to his $85 mill investment? An investment that is making the 2008 economic collapse look like a checking error.

Despite BUZZ to the contrary, he’s still around. Or maybe we’ve just ALLLLLL got our JLs mixed up. JOHN LACKEY, God. NOT JON LESTER.

Perhaps we should have all been more clear. That’s the last time I close my eyes and wish with initials alone.

“Maybe,” coworker-who-barely-knows-what-baseball-is says, to stop me from continuing ANOTHER John Lackey rant, “This Ted Epstein doesn’t have cable.”

I don’t have cable.

“Maybe,” exasperated coworker says, “He’s not as tech savvy as you with the internets.” (yes, we say the internets, plural, in THIS office)

He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars.

“Maybe,” dead-inside-coworker says, “He has better things to do than fire pitchers.”

He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars to do this.

“Maybe,” bleary-eyed coworker says, “You should save this for your blog.”

But, I already blogged about John Lackey. Like… ALL THE TIME.

And then he told me to shut up. Me. I know. The nerve of SOME PEOPLE.

~L

PS- as for YESTERDAY? I thought he was out. Don’t like it? Petition Bud Selig for robot umps. Oh-oh-oh- And Johnny Damon hurt his ‘ittle wrist. I’m playing “Cry me a River” on my way home from work.

—–

PS- MORE STEROID NEWS. Awesome. They should call today WednesROIDday.

Alex Rodriguez’ doctor pleaded guilty today in federal court for… *drum roll* bringing drugs from Canada… including *another drum roll* HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!

Awesome. Thanks, guys. For CONTINUALLY throwing the juice in America’s face.

————-

Other athletes on…

the DENIAL List:

Johnny Damon (I’m still relevant! Hall of Fame, hear I come!)

Roger Clemens (They were manly vitamins, man! Andy is my BEST friend)

Andy Pettitte (Roger is my BEST friend)

Derek Jeter (I’m still in the game!)

Jason Giambi (Wow, people sooooooo care about what I have to say)

Coco Crisp (This hairstyle is a GREAT look for me!)

Tiger Woods (I can change!)

Dale Earnhardt Jr (It’s a real sport. Really.)

The US Women’s Soccer Team (People are sooooo watching us on television right now. Sad but true, people. )

Maxim Lapierre (Je suis étonnant!)

Dirk Nowitzki (I have normal arms. Really. You guyyyssssss)

Jorge Posada (I could totally play another five years)

Manny Ramirez (This will ALLLL blow over)

Alex Rodriguez (They ALLLLL want to be my girlfriend)

The Cubs (It will happen our lifetime, guys!)

Got anymore? I’m trying to compile an official list. Then I’ll move onto actors. That means you, Nicholas Cage!

Oh, good, Roger. You’re back in the news.

Everyone’s favorite turncoat Roger Clemens is back in the news! But it’s not for a weasley World Series victory. It’s not for a ring contest. Or even a who-has-the-veiniest-bicep competition… even though… um… that’s closer…

It’s for *drum roll please* LYING. Lying about juicing up in 1999, 2000.

And who turned him in? Who, oh who? Oh, that’s right. HIS BEST FRIEND. Andy Pettitte. Which seems to be the bigger story than Roger Clemens popping happy juice. HIS BEST FRIEND.

Roger, remember when I was your best friend? Remember that?

Yeah. Me neither.

It’s quite dramatic. All the major characters are there. The bastard best friend (Pettitte) the anxious butler turned gossip (Giambi). It’s like one of those mystery weekend novels by Agatha Christie.

Poooooooor Pettitte, the NYT says.

“I can’t imagine what he’s going through, knowing he will have to sit there and testify with his best friend right there at the defense table,” said the former Yankees slugger Jason Giambi, who testified about his own steroid use when he was a government witness in March at the federal perjury trial of the home run king Barry Bonds, who was convicted of obstruction of justice.

“I was close with Barry, but my testimony was all about me and my own use,” said Giambi, who played with Clemens and Pettitte for two years with the Yankees. “So I really feel for Andy. Knowing how he is, it’s going to be very, very hard for him.”

You know what wasn’t very, very hard? Pettitte’s veins, apparently, since he ADMITTED to using the human growth hormone too.

I like how this article seems mostly about poor Pettitte and not about jerk Clemens who LIED.

Though he never spoke much in the clubhouse about his religious convictions, Pettitte became known among the Yankees for his strait-laced life. Some of his former teammates, including catcher Jorge Posada, said Pettitte’s best quality was that he could be trusted.

Really, Posada? It wasn’t truth juice.

YOU should know.

And they were just buddies, Pettitte and Clemens. Like Milo and Otis? Like Fox and the Hound? Not so much. More like Bonnie and Clyde. You know. Except, instead of cash, it was a substance that gives you man-boobs.

“It was strange if you didn’t see them together in the clubhouse,” said John Flaherty, a former Yankees catcher. “You’d see them running, lifting or throwing a football before games, then they’d play golf on off days. It was always Andy following Roger around.”

How’d that work out for you, champ?

“Andy was always prepared to handle the pressure, but in court, he is not in his comfort zone,” Joe Girardi said. “It’s out of his realm, and it’s out of our realm, too. None of us want to see that.”

Read further, and you’ll see law experts telling the reporter that Pettitte has absolutely no reason to tell the jury any of this.

“In 1999 or 2000, I had a conversation with Roger Clemens in which Roger told me that he had taken human growth hormone,” Pettitte said in the affidavit, a potentially pivotal declaration if spoken before a jury.

And yet he testifies anyway. This means two things about Andy Pathetic.

1. Maybe he and Clemens had a fight on the jungle gym

2. Maybe he actually has some integrity

I hope it’s number 2. I’d like to be able to say something nice about Andy Pettitte. I’ve been on this soap box before. You all know how I feel about the ‘roid years. You saw how I snipped Manny like a bad habit. IF Pettitte is really testifying for the integrity of baseball, I give him props.

Before today, whenever I thought of Pettitte, I thought of THIS MOMENT. You know the one. Where Jacoby steals home and Pettitte looks like he’s going to cry? I even remember where I was. It was that pivotal to 2009. I was in an Irish pub near work in Charlotte with my friend Doug and I choked on a nacho.

If Pettitte really does this, I’ll get to remember him for two things. And shame on the misplaced focus on Pettitte, who didn’t do anything wrong (THIS TIME) instead of the juicing rock slinger himself.

But the honesty bug, it doesn’t make up for the Yankee tolerance of juicing. You know it’s true. Just look at the Mitchell Report. Look at testimonials. Look at the team. There’s a tolerance. That’s the crux of my rivalry. Well, that and Johnny Damon.

Clemens insisted he had told Pettitte that his wife, Debbie, not Clemens himself, had used the drug. In his Congressional testimony, Clemens said Pettitte “misheard” and “misremembers” what Clemens had said about growth hormone.

Sure.

I think the law professor in the Times article sums this up nicely.

“So I think Clemens is in big trouble,” he added. “He probably wants to kick himself for picking the kid who was the Eagle Scout on the block to shoot off his mouth to.”

The trial begins today, and I’ll be paying attention.

~L

—

So, I’ve been thinking… and I have a tip for the defense attorney, ’cause I’m so nice. Maybe you should ask potential juries if they are Red Sox fans…

CLICK HERE  and scroll down FOR MORE STEROID NEWS. Jesus Christ. What is wrong with today?