The baseball old folks’ home preps to add a few. Will require annex for Posada’s ego.

J.D. Drew is “probably” retiring, reports today indicate. Despite the mad flurry of Drew-hate peppering the nation over the past two years, I’ve never had a huge problem with you, J.D. I find your breakability irritating. I find your inconsistency mind-numbing (but attribute it to your breakability). But I remember the real you, J.D. I can still remember your home run pops and that cool indifferent reaction to your own badassishness. You’ll finish your career with a respectable 242 homers and my respect, sir.

You were very, very expensive. I mean. I don’t want to nitpick. But you were very. VERY. Expensive. I loved you in 2007. But I loved everyone in 2007 (mostly). I mean, you’re no Kevin Youkilis, J.D. Drew, but you can afford a Kevin Youkilis beard implant, if you want. I mean, you did average like, $8 million a year for 14 years. That’s even more impressive than those 242 homers. I hope you can use your retirement to… I don’t know… take vitamins or something.

In addition to the hefty salary, Drew’s inability to stay completely healthy contributed to the stigma that he was overrated. He never appeared in more than 146 games in a season and averaged just 470 plate appearances per campaign from 1999-2011.

But, in the words of Marc Antony, I come to honor you. Not pick you apart flaw by expensive flaw. But I think you need to retire. I think you need to retire. And up those fricking Flintstones because every time you break, angels cry.

—-

In “whatever” retirement news, Jorge Posada officially announced his retirement today.

I am devastated. Really.

Just when my Posada verb was catching on.

Just when people were starting to say “Go Posada yourself” when they were cut off in traffic.

Just when “I don’t give a Posada whether you take my lunch money. You’ll never take my self respect,” was the new “it” phrase to thwack bullies with…

YOU RETIRE?

Seriously?

Quitter.

“I could never wear another uniform,” Posada said at a televised Yankee Stadium news conference.

Literally. Didn’t you… um… try? And then have absolutely no success? Because no other uniforms would take you? You really Posada-ed yourself with that temper tantrum over the summer, mate.

Our very own Jason Varitek (possibly the next name on the plaque in front of the old folks retirement home) even had a comment. But he’s old too. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.

“After hundreds of head-to-head games during the regular season and the postseason, I can’t say I respect and admire anyone at our position more than I do Jorge. The hard work and preparation he put into catching is a huge reason he has five championships on his resume. He is a true grinder.”

—-

As for the Tek (we alllllll know my Tek obsession. I won’t give you a double dose)-

Captain Jason Varitek, still looking to come back with the Red Sox, is figuring out what his next step will be, according to a source close to him.

It seems to me that dragging this out is helping no one, guys. He’s the captain. Show him a little more respect than arbitrary offers. Get real or get him coaching. ASAP.

I’m 27. And I’ll retire at age like, 97 at this rate.

So. Um.

Wow. That’s depressing.

I need a moment, guys…

~L

PS- The bulk of the emails I have been receiving today are in regards to my Tim Thomas comments. If that’s why you’re here, find those comments here and here.

And if you have a comment on ANYTHING you see here today, feel free to shoot me a buzz at ohnolauren@gmail.com. I LOVE e-mails. Like LOVE e-mails more than Posada loves his rings.

—-

Side note- $214 million? NINE years? Um. Okay. I don’t want Prince Fielder anymore. Um.

This is YOUR fault.

“Make it not be true!”

“Stay with me. Don’t leave me…Hold me…Tighter.”

I just got the memo.

Something TERRIBLE has happened. I mean, this is “West Side Story”-esque drama, people.

I blame myself, really, I’ve been distracted. There was vacation. And since then… There’s been work. And work. And…

Sometimes, when life gets hectic, we forget what’s important.

AND THEN SOMEONE GETS HURT.

“Hopefully we can get him back and get him back feeling where he can be Youkilis. After the game [on Wednesday], it was becoming kind of obvious to everybody that he needed to get checked.’’

KEVIN YOUKILIS.

MY Kevin Youkilis is injured. MY KEVIN YOUKILIS IS INJURED. THIS IS SO GOING ON MY LIST.

Is this my fault? Is this YOUR fault? Is this Tito’s fault?

I will never forgive myself.

WHAT?! David Ortiz too? WHAT?!

WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO MY MENFOLK WHILE I WAS AT THE BEACH?????????

Ortiz has missed the last three games and it appears unlikely he will play in this series, if not the entire eight-game road trip.

I… I… I can’t even talk to you right now.

I’m just…

I…

I…

I can’t even talk to you people right now.

Youkie, baby, it’ll be okay. There’s a place for us. Somewhere. A place for us. Peace and quiet and open air. Wait for us…

DAMNIT.

Someone tell me what the frick happened??????!!!!!!
Not you, Youkie. You just sit there. Sit there and DON’T MOVE. Here’s some neosporin.

This is YOUR fault, reader. YOUR fault. YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS!!!!! This would NEVER have happened if Pedro was still here.

~L

PS- A-Gonz, I will get to you LATER.

SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED?!

Retaliation. Yes. Retaliation. Yessssssssss

OHMYGOD This is because I went out with another guy last night. OHMYGOD.

Youkie, I… I…

I CAN EXPLAIN.

There are no yellow lights in baseball. It’s allllllll green.

Seriously.

Just read an article telling us to keep our “yellow caution flag” out with regards to Erik Bedard’s start tomorrow.

Why?

Because, ladies and gents, he’s recovering from an INJURY. The “oft-injured” Bedard who joins our “oft-injured” rotation is, like everyone else who wears the Boston “B,” or so it seems, INJURED.

“We want to help get him to where he can pitch like he can pitch and it might take a little while to do that,” manager Terry Francona said before last night’s 3-2 win. “He’s got 12⁄3 starting innings under his belt, he’s got no rehab starts, so he might not be at peak efficiency yet. Fans and media might not be patient with him, but we will be.

Really? You are NOT making me feel better about the “oft-injured” description. Oh, I’m sure you’ll be patient. You’ve been patient for… let’s see… JOHN LACKEY. And… you were patient with MIKE TIMLIN… and… let’s see… JOHN LACKEY. Oh, remember Delcarmen? Oh, and Lugo? Remember LUGO? I remember Lugo. Your patience does not instill in me CONFIDENCE. JOHN LACKEY?

“With Erik, we understand with him we have to be a little bit slow here. He pitched a game probably for obvious reasons probably before he was ready to pitch. He should have probably been on a rehab. We all understand why and we’re glad he did.”

Slow here? This is the Red Sox. We’ve got to hit the ground running. Don’t make me nervous before Bedard even hits the mound, please.

And, sportsies the world over say, it’s not just about Bedard specific:

Boston has had little success through the years in picking up helpful starting pitching midway through a season.

But you know what? That’s tomorrow. Bedard is tomorrow. TONIGHT is Wake. NUMBER 200. 200, people. Let’s watch it together. Sayyyyyy my blog, 7:10ish? See you then.

~L

 

The Good. The Bad. The Ug– um… Gritty.

The GOOD.

It’s the BEST July ever. Really.

“We’ve been playing good ball. We just have to keep it rolling. We don’t have that big of a lead in the division, so we have to play good baseball,” Dustin Pedroia said Sunday after the Red Sox wrapped up one of the best months of July in team history by beating the Chicago White Sox 5-3.

The BAD.

Clay Buchholz has a stress fracture. As a gal who has had many… they super-suck. And sometimes take awhile to diagnose.

The right-hander was moved from the 15-day to the 60-day disabled list Sunday to make room for new acquisition Erik Bedard, and he will see a back specialist Monday in Los Angeles. If the move to the 60-day DL is dated from when he went on the DL June 19, he will have to miss at least a few more weeks.

The Gritty.

Nixing one hypochondriac trade for another.

The initial word that Harden was dealt to the Red Sox led to several predictable jokes about his health. The trade was nixed after medical information was given to the Sox, forcing them to turn to Bedard, a guy with a similar mix of talent and risk. It’s a lot to ask of Mike Reinold and the Sox medical staff, adding a known risk on top of the current situations they’re dealing with.

The Gritty… um… The Gritty-er.

We’ve still got lots of baseball left. Plenty of time for dreams to die…

Hi, Cleveland.

~L

What is wrong with the fricking mound?

Seriously! Can a mound architect (come on, there’s got to be one) inspect the mound at Fenway? Perhaps a dirt engineer? Seriously! Beckett too?

Beckett appeared to slip on the mound, prompting a visit from the trainer and Terry Francona, and elliciting groans from the faithful.

What part of JOHN LACKEY on the DL does the universe not understand?

NOT Clay Buchholz. NOT Jon Lester. NOTFORTHELOVEOFFISK Josh Beckett!!!!!!!!! JOHN FRICKING LACKEY!

AND a fight? That brought KEVIN YOUKILIS from the sidelines??????? I don’t know what Gregg said, but I’m going to find out. Birds are ridiculous.

This is the worst game we kicked ass in EVER!

For a real play-by-play, check out THIS site. I just caught bits and pieces. You know. Work coma. This and this have me occupied for the foreseeable future. I love my job. But it really conflicts with my baseball time.

It is the bottom of the 8th. 10-3. We’ve got this. But. You know. Stuff happens. Don’t let it, k?

~L

NOOOOOOO! Wrong JL. WRONG JL!

Jon Lester. 15-day disabled list.

John Lackey. On another kind of DL.

The DENIAL List.

And no. I’m not talking about a river in Egypt.

I’m talking about a sloth on the mound.

DENIAL.

But who is in greater denial? John Lackey, who has an ERA of OVER 7.4, allows 7 runs in like three innings AND then says things like ““Overall, my arm felt pretty good?”

Or Theo Epstein, for STILL holding on to his $85 mill investment? An investment that is making the 2008 economic collapse look like a checking error.

Despite BUZZ to the contrary, he’s still around. Or maybe we’ve just ALLLLLL got our JLs mixed up. JOHN LACKEY, God. NOT JON LESTER.

Perhaps we should have all been more clear. That’s the last time I close my eyes and wish with initials alone.

“Maybe,” coworker-who-barely-knows-what-baseball-is says, to stop me from continuing ANOTHER John Lackey rant, “This Ted Epstein doesn’t have cable.”

I don’t have cable.

“Maybe,” exasperated coworker says, “He’s not as tech savvy as you with the internets.” (yes, we say the internets, plural, in THIS office)

He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars.

“Maybe,” dead-inside-coworker says, “He has better things to do than fire pitchers.”

He makes like, a BAZILLION dollars to do this.

“Maybe,” bleary-eyed coworker says, “You should save this for your blog.”

But, I already blogged about John Lackey. Like… ALL THE TIME.

And then he told me to shut up. Me. I know. The nerve of SOME PEOPLE.

~L

PS- as for YESTERDAY? I thought he was out. Don’t like it? Petition Bud Selig for robot umps. Oh-oh-oh- And Johnny Damon hurt his ‘ittle wrist. I’m playing “Cry me a River” on my way home from work.

—–

PS- MORE STEROID NEWS. Awesome. They should call today WednesROIDday.

Alex Rodriguez’ doctor pleaded guilty today in federal court for… *drum roll* bringing drugs from Canada… including *another drum roll* HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE!

Awesome. Thanks, guys. For CONTINUALLY throwing the juice in America’s face.

————-

Other athletes on…

the DENIAL List:

Johnny Damon (I’m still relevant! Hall of Fame, hear I come!)

Roger Clemens (They were manly vitamins, man! Andy is my BEST friend)

Andy Pettitte (Roger is my BEST friend)

Derek Jeter (I’m still in the game!)

Jason Giambi (Wow, people sooooooo care about what I have to say)

Coco Crisp (This hairstyle is a GREAT look for me!)

Tiger Woods (I can change!)

Dale Earnhardt Jr (It’s a real sport. Really.)

The US Women’s Soccer Team (People are sooooo watching us on television right now. Sad but true, people. )

Maxim Lapierre (Je suis étonnant!)

Dirk Nowitzki (I have normal arms. Really. You guyyyssssss)

Jorge Posada (I could totally play another five years)

Manny Ramirez (This will ALLLL blow over)

Alex Rodriguez (They ALLLLL want to be my girlfriend)

The Cubs (It will happen our lifetime, guys!)

Got anymore? I’m trying to compile an official list. Then I’ll move onto actors. That means you, Nicholas Cage!