Home > Previews and pep talks > Canada comes. And we send LACKEY?!

Canada comes. And we send LACKEY?!

I AM NEVER WEARING A HAT AGAIN.

Dear Terry Francona,

Okay. Tito. I don’t know if you know this. I know you’ve been busy. And I know you stayed out late and everything. But see, there’s this hockey team, the Bruins. And they lost, right? And it was a big deal. I don’t really want to get into it (MAXIM LAPIERRE! DAMN YOU!). I’m really okay. We all are, actually. But we could really use this game today. Not for ALE standings or percentage points. More as a pick-me-up. You know? That thing that makes you smile instead of stuffing people in baseball dirt? That thing that makes you drink the beer instead of just hurling the glass bottle into a wall?

I have so much anger, you see.

So. Um. You have LACKEY protecting us today. LACKEY.

I have one question for you: Really?

No. I have two questions for you: Really??????

Sincerely,

Lauren

—–

At least Dice-K is okay…

They’re coming, Tito. And they’re bringing syrup. They want to make us sticky.

Hey, maybe THAT’s your plan. Maybe John Lackey is going to deflect the syrup.

Does he remind anyone else of a chubby Dirk?

That Dirk guy has REALLY long arms.

Is anyone else concerned about his REALLY long arms?

—-

Dear John Lackey,

Hi. I know we haven’t talked in awhile.

And I know I broke my promise. That one about never again calling you Sloth from the Goonies. But I was drinking (in my defense) and Keystone Light does amazing things to my tact. It’s like tact-eliminator-light. Is it light? Or is it lite? Hard to tell because it’s all gone. You know, on account of me drinking it (MAXIM LAPIERRE, DAMN YOU!!!!!).

But could you keep your end of the bargain anyway? That end that you… frequently don’t keep? You know, the one where you don’t fricking screw up?

Your teeth are really big.

Anyway, could you, um, pitch? That’s your job, see.

And in exchange, I promise that, if you pitch WELL, I won’t talk about you for like, at least a day. Maybe two. And I’ll say something nice. In fact, the nice thing I say will be the title of my next blog post.

Yes.

Okay.

So, um. I hope we’re cool.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Lauren Youkilis

—–

I am not on my game today. Like, not. (STUPID, STUPID MAXIM LAPIERRE)

I bought okra at the grocery store today.

I have never had okra. It’s kind of furry.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with it.

That’s how off my game I am.

You did this to me, Bruins. YOU DID.

I hate Maxim Lapierre.

And I am never eating syrup again.

That is all.

~L

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  1. JW
    June 11, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Regarding Lackey…and I say this both with all due respect and as a lifelong Angels fan….

    BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA

    (deep, lung reloading gasp)

    BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA

  2. FireDannyAinge
    June 11, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    I just threatened John Lackey on my blog. If he knows what is good for him he will not give up anymore runs. He has been warned.

  3. June 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    See, I don’t know. Threats don’t seem to work on JL. In fact, he seems to deflect them and double his failure…
    Maybe we need a tactic change. We’re learning to knit. We should knit him something! Like a noose. No. Sorry, that was the me of yesterday talking.
    How about a fuzzy sweater with his name on it?

    • FireDannyAinge
      June 11, 2011 at 4:51 pm

      Alright I am glad I wasn’t drinking when I read that comments about knitting Lackey a noose because I just laughed for the first time since last night. Really laughed. Thanks Bruins.

      I told him NO more runs and he gave up two if the Bruins are eliminated I am remembering that. Lackey apparently has issues with authority. Oh and if NESN doesn’t stop showing the Bruins losing I am going to go the remote through the tv route. I want a new TV and I will have a good excuse to get one if a remote is sitting in the middle of the glass.

      First place. Best record in baseball who am I to complain?

  4. June 11, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Well, FDA, we are complainers. We are here to complain. It’s like our job. I mean, not our actual job. But our blogger job.
    To complain.
    We complain, and that’s how they know they screwed up.
    That’s how they know they are pricks (MAXIM LAPIERRE!!!!!)
    You know.
    I guess I have to… um… think of a Lackey compliment. I think “you’re very tall” might count. Because he his pretty tall.
    And he can pitch sometimes.
    I am numb to it. I don’t even remember the Bruins game. It can come on, and I will not even be aware. That is how zen I am. (Maxim Lapierre!!!!)

    • FireDannyAinge
      June 11, 2011 at 8:56 pm

      A job without getting paid. Yep that’s my job all right.

      The Red Sox have been kind of put on the back burner due to the Bruins but if we lose I am going to be pissed and taking it out of someone.

  5. June 12, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    Lauren Youkilis. What about Lauren Lapierre? Rolls off the tongue – very cool name.

  6. June 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    do you want us to break up as blog friends?
    because we will, SA. we will.

  1. June 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm
  2. October 26, 2011 at 11:47 am

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