Canada comes. And we send LACKEY?!
Dear Terry Francona,
Okay. Tito. I don’t know if you know this. I know you’ve been busy. And I know you stayed out late and everything. But see, there’s this hockey team, the Bruins. And they lost, right? And it was a big deal. I don’t really want to get into it (MAXIM LAPIERRE! DAMN YOU!). I’m really okay. We all are, actually. But we could really use this game today. Not for ALE standings or percentage points. More as a pick-me-up. You know? That thing that makes you smile instead of stuffing people in baseball dirt? That thing that makes you drink the beer instead of just hurling the glass bottle into a wall?
I have so much anger, you see.
So. Um. You have LACKEY protecting us today. LACKEY.
I have one question for you: Really?
No. I have two questions for you: Really??????
At least Dice-K is okay…
They’re coming, Tito. And they’re bringing syrup. They want to make us sticky.
Hey, maybe THAT’s your plan. Maybe John Lackey is going to deflect the syrup.
Does he remind anyone else of a chubby Dirk?
That Dirk guy has REALLY long arms.
Is anyone else concerned about his REALLY long arms?
Dear John Lackey,
Hi. I know we haven’t talked in awhile.
And I know I broke my promise. That one about never again calling you Sloth from the Goonies. But I was drinking (in my defense) and Keystone Light does amazing things to my tact. It’s like tact-eliminator-light. Is it light? Or is it lite? Hard to tell because it’s all gone. You know, on account of me drinking it (MAXIM LAPIERRE, DAMN YOU!!!!!).
But could you keep your end of the bargain anyway? That end that you… frequently don’t keep? You know, the one where you don’t fricking screw up?
Your teeth are really big.
Anyway, could you, um, pitch? That’s your job, see.
And in exchange, I promise that, if you pitch WELL, I won’t talk about you for like, at least a day. Maybe two. And I’ll say something nice. In fact, the nice thing I say will be the title of my next blog post.
So, um. I hope we’re cool.
I am not on my game today. Like, not. (STUPID, STUPID MAXIM LAPIERRE)
I bought okra at the grocery store today.
I have never had okra. It’s kind of furry.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with it.
That’s how off my game I am.
You did this to me, Bruins. YOU DID.
I hate Maxim Lapierre.
And I am never eating syrup again.
That is all.