Home > Uncategorized > David Ortiz. WHATEVER. Some people have DECISIONS to make.

David Ortiz. WHATEVER. Some people have DECISIONS to make.

I refuse to read the article.

Yes, I know what it says.

But I’m not going to read it.

I am NOT going to watch the news.

And I am NOT going to read your comments telling me how shitty Papi is to fans.

Won’t do it. AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.

I named my puppy after him, damnit. WE SHARE A BOND. We LOVE each other. He loves me and I love him and he hits home runs and he would never ever never ever EVER forsake us. STOP LYING, WORLD.

I canNOT lose anyone else.

On another note, another reason I refuse to read this David Ortiz nonsense, is because I have an actual-real-life dilemma. I have a decision to make. Like, an adult one. A big fricking adult monsoon of a decision. And, since I have provided endless entertainment to you for the past few months, the least (and I mean the very LEAST) you could do is help me in the decision making process. If you’d like to help, PLEASE e-mail me, ohnolauren@gmail.com. Because sometimes strangers give great advice. Put DECISION in the subject heading. Oh, and if you have any experience WHATSOEVER with the south coast area of Mass., you better e-mail me. Because. Um. I HAVE AN ADULT DECISION.



So. Deciding. Riiiiighhhht now.

Apparently these ADULT decisions don’t pop up when… I don’t know… you’re desperate… or you’re looking (like REALLY looking)… they only pop up when you’ve figured out you’re kind of happy with the status quo, your friends, your life, your job and your boyfriend. It’s complacency. THAT, my friends, is when the monsoon strikes. JUST ASK THE RED SOX. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m almost ready to talk about it.

But seriously. If anyone ever doubted God’s existence- and I mean EVER, they can look upon a moment a couple weeks ago where I said, “You know what? I could be happy like this,” and then that moment a few hours ago when God was like, “BUT WHAT IS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER TWO?” Because high powers like reality television too.

I am being cryptic because I am CAFFEINATED.

I love some caffeine.

That’s a southernism. When you insert the “some” just randomly into your sentence. Like Y’all (or is it Ya’ll? WHEN am I going to LEARN?) sure have some confused looks on yer faces.

This reminds me of that moment in Back to the Future (is it the first one?) where he’s all, “where we’re going we don’t need roads!”

It’s like… where I’m going, I won’t need y’all… I mean, I will still need all of you. Just not necessarily the word y’all. I think I just saw a cat fly across the room.

My point is- and I DO have one-

It’s I am clearly not mature enough to make any decisions ever-whatsoever and I’d like all of you in America to decide for me.

The end.



I am going to bite my nails until you e-mail me.

Ohmygod I just got bribed with Red Sox tickets. Ohmygod.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. October 13, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    I honestly LOVE your writing style.
    You say what you mean, and you write it VERY Well.
    Keep it up, Ms. Soxy.
    You’ve sold me… thus far 😉

  2. FireDannyAinge
    October 13, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Red Sox tickets won’t be hard to get next year.lol Not after all of this.

    I am e=mailing you because I know what your dilemma is.

    As for Ortiz don’t watch the video. He is just going to ruin 2004 for you like he did for me. I will seriously never smile watching that video again IF I ever watch it. I owe that to Ortiz and big mouth Schilling.

  3. cybellekate
    October 16, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Did you make your decision?? The decision that ate Brooklyn? Wall to wall decision? The decision to end all decisions????

  4. October 17, 2011 at 10:35 am

    So…did you get my email yet?

    • October 19, 2011 at 6:50 pm

      i did. i have been rocking back and forth in a fetal position for the past few days. it’s hard to read.

  5. FireDannyAinge
    October 17, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Hey guess who my sisters friend rang up today at the drug store she works at? If you decide to come here I will so give you the location of the store she works at.lol

    • October 19, 2011 at 6:51 pm

      i HATE your sister’s friend. she’s trying to steal my guy, isn’t she?

  6. cybellekate
    October 18, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Is the decision whether or not to come live here? And by here I mean Red Sox Nation. I TOLD you the answer was YES and I didn’t even know what the question was. With neighbors that smart how can you not come here???? 😀 Yes. Yes, you should move North so that you can be surrounded by Red B’s everywhere and everyone will understand you and be on your side and, and this is the most important thing by a large degree, I will potentially have someone to go to games with. And how it affects my personal game-attending ability should be the driving factor in every life decision. 😀
    See how easy that was??? 🙂 🙂 🙂

  7. cybellekate
    October 18, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Also it’s “Y’all” because it’s whatever that word is that I learned on The Electric Company that I’m now too old to remember, for “you all.” Like “do not” becomes “don’t.” “You all” becomes “y’all.”

  8. cybellekate
    October 18, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Are you up here yet???????

  9. FireDannyAinge
    October 18, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Laureeeeeeeen. Where are yooooooou.

    • October 19, 2011 at 6:36 pm

      Crying into cookie dough. Where are YOU?

  1. October 27, 2011 at 12:55 pm

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