John Lackey to miss 2012. Please try to keep a straight face.
Ben Cherington (clever nickname pending), our new GM (who WANTS the job. suck it, Theo), made an important announcement today. Now. Before I give you details, I’m going to need you to take a deep breath. A deeper breath. That’s it. What I’m going to tell you MAY evoke an audible reaction. But, for the sake of team spirit, unity, political correctness and decorum, you MUST keep it to yourself, k?
John LACKEY. Is getting Tommy John surgery. And… wait for it… another deep breath…
“I believe he’s going to be a much better pitcher than what he showed in 2011, and we look forward to having him as part of the staff, likely in 2013.”~Cherington
Screw it. It’s the internet. No one can see you. Let it out. LET IT OUT NOW.
Okay. Let it out again.
Now that we’ve all had a good, cathartic cry-laugh- this isn’t good news. We paid John Lackey a katrillion dollars. A KATRILLION dollars. And by we, I mean Theo Epstein, who doesn’t have to deal with the fallout, because he’s skipping through the poppy fields with the cubbies. (Isn’t it easier to think of EVERYTHING like it’s happening in Wizard of Oz?) Fallout from a guy we hired. With a crappy elbow. Whose MRIs suggest…. he HAD a crappy elbow. WHEN WE HIRED HIM, THEO. I took the liberty of bolding that in red for you.
“I’ve had indications that there are some questions about just how healthy [Lackey is],” Gammons said back in June. “We know he was disabled with the elbow problem.” Gammons said Lackey may need Tommy John by August, despite his elbow not being significantly different in MRIs compared to when he signed with the Red Sox prior to the 2010 season. (Lackey, when asked about Gammons’ quotes, told ESPN Boston that “He straight made that up.” Apparently not.)
“He’s really excited about the future. He’s anxious about the surgery and the rehab…” ~Cherington
Excited about the year off from media ridicule and responsibility? You betcha. Bet they’ll let you eat allllll the chicken you want…
Can you PLAY video games when you’ve just had Tommy John surgery?
Oh. Right. Decorum. Tact.
Now. Problem solving. So. We’ve lost a kabillion dollars on Napoleon Dynamite with a ‘tude.
What to do, what to do…
Now, bear with me, K? (BEAR with me? Get it? You will)
I have a solution.
John Lackey out…
Why the hell not? At this point, seriously… why the hell not?
Would this mean we’d have to stop comparing C.C. Sabathia to the Jungle Book bear? Because a lot has already changed over the past month. And I don’t think I’m ready to do that. Not yet.
PS- Remember. We are saddened by the news and will be thinking of John Lackey during this difficult time. We wish him a speedy recovery. <- our OFFICIAL statement. Got it? You’re going to need to practice that if you’re going to say that by the water cooler tomorrow with a straight face.
PSS- Who LOVES Ben Cherington? This girl. ONE DAY and you have already solved Lackey. ONE DAY.
You get a roll of stickers. A ROLL.