The John Lackey Pledge.
Yeah. So I didn’t see the win yesterday.
Want to make something out of it?
I have a life you know.
Anyway, I missed the fest. Heard it was the bees knees.
Did get home in time to laugh at Jeb’s Pirates for losing in the 32nd inning. Something like that. Some call it an inevitable spiral. I call it karma. Perhaps Jeb shouldn’t have made fun of our 14 inning game Monday.
But oh, good. It looks like I’ll be able to catch the Lackeyfest. Now, I have been working so much that I have YET to see this “new” Lackey, in all his glory. I hear a lot of things about this “new” Lackey. And, with my frequent criticism of Slackey/Sloth/Lackluster, I am told I overlook his “badassishness.” Really. Someone sent me a critical e-mail to that effect. (By the way, I LOVE critical e-mails. I plan to make a bulletin board. firstname.lastname@example.org, please! Feel free to send me comments, advice, hair tips and questions for my *ahem* expert response- oh, and criticism! Please-please-please.)
So, critical e-mailer, I have given your message considerable thought. After the initial shock of learning that there is an actual Lackey fan in the world (Are you John Lackey’s mother? You can tell me), I realized you may have a point.
Sure. Why not? Maybe a bazillion ERA isn’t enough of a suckage indicator. Maybe a bad attitude, a sloth chin and obvious comparisons to Napoleon Dynamite and a Goonies character aren’t good reasons to ridicule you in a blog post, John Lackey.
I’m up for trying something new.
So tonight, Lackey, is about you and me. Tonight, sir, is about making amends. Building bridges. The past is the past.
And I’m willing to forgive. IF you are.
So, sir, let’s see if the Sloth is gone for good, shall we?
Who is with me?
Who is willing to stand up and sign the “I am sorry” pledge?
Right. Of course. You want to read it first. How very responsible of you.
I, _(your name)_, do solemnly and most sincerely apologize for equating the good* name of John Lackey with the terms lackluster and slacker. Furthermore, I, _(your name)_, would like to officially apologize for doubting you and your insanely over-dramatized* ERA. I, _(your name)__, do officially declare before God, nation and Fisk that I appreciate your efforts, support your victories, and believe in you, John Lackey*. From this day ___(insert date here)__ forward, I promise to honor, appreciate and yell your name (in a not sarcastic, demeaning or mocking manner) and defend your badassishness to doubters.
(your name here)
*This contract is null and void the second you start to suck.
I read mine out loud in front of the mirror. I was even able to keep a straight face. It’s been that kind of day.
Alright, Soxies. Let’s see what this complete-and-utter-stranger-with-no-preconceived-ideas-of-suckiness pitches like. Join me in this pledge. Because. Um. Why not? It would be kind of neat if we, the ERA, the world and ESPN were all collectively wrong.
PS- Feel free to print the pledge and put it on your refrigerator. Things I write look great on refrigerators. Feel free to send me a picture of it ON your refrigerator. Did I mention how much I love e-mails? email@example.com.
LIVE blogging tonight. Hear that, Lackey? I’ve got both eyes on you.
Um. Go Lackey.