If you can’t handle the HEAT, stay out of DALLAS. Because that’s where they are. DALLAS.
When studying the Miami Heat in preparation for Boone’s Miami invasion, there were a few things I neglected.
You know. Just a few things.
For example… THE FACT THAT THE MAVERICKS ARE FROM DALLAS.
I don’t want to talk about it.
No. You know what? I do want to talk about it.
I know BASEBALL. This blog is about BASEBALL. My bar life is about BASEBALL.
I canNOT be expected to keep up with what a charge is.
But I do have a few tips for you non-basketball folks when you watch game 4 (it’s game 4, right?):
Repeat what everyone says with different degrees of intensity.
IE: Your uncle says, “There should have been a charge there,” puts his hands up, and takes a sip of beer.
You say, “DAMN IT, REF (NOT UMPIRE), WHERE’S THE EFFING CHARGE?” chug your beer, and slam it on the table.
IE: Your uncle says, “Where are the refs?” expressing his frustration by nudging your shoulder.
You say, “DAMN IT, REF, Don’t make me drive to (Dallas! It’s Dallas! NOT Chicago), McGyver my way into your hotel room and cut off your fingers with twine!
See, if you don’t know what you’re talking about, just repeat what people who do know what they’re talking about are saying- but do it LOUDER. You will seem so smart.
DON’T, and I mean DON’T, show the slightest teaspoon of optimism. This isn’t baseball. It’s not the bottom of the ninth, down by two, where you’re still clapping your hands together saying, “It’s okay. It’s okay, Paps, just forget Lackey ever happened and hurl the rock.”
You don’t say, “It’s okay. At least we’re tied.”
You never say that.
Because, see, a tie is different in basketball than in baseball.
The game is faster. It’s more intense. And ties, for some reason, aren’t just annoying. They are tragic shot-inspirers.
So, after doing phone shots with people still in Miami, drinking too much Budweiser, and praying to the baseball gods for a World Series shot so we can all get on the same fricking page, I have one last piece of advice for you:
Don’t start texting/calling that guy, that guy who forced you to watch college basketball for four solid months before forcing you to break up with him- don’t start calling him just because you’ve convinced yourself you’re in a basketball-frame-of-mind. Because, you see, that’s not your brain. That’s the 1800 silver. And, for the love of god, if you get his voicemail, DON’T leave a message. And if you DO leave a message, don’t (for the love of GOD, people) leave multiple messages to clarify your original message.
That’s just sad.
Is basketball over yet?
PS- My family is loud.
Am I really that loud?
Louder, Frank said.
I warned Adam that my family tends to react to basketball the way I react to a Yankees game.
He said, “Oh, god, they don’t throw bottles too, do they?”
I think the Red Sox won or something. God help me… I really don’t know…
My head hurts, and it’s hard to type in bad light and sunglasses…
But I love my family and I hope they visit again.
PS- Did you see what happened to Chris Bosh’s eye? Do you know who Chris Bosh is? Because I do. And D-Wade. And LeBron. Yep. I know alllllllllll about them. And don’t get me started on Bibby. (It’s Bibby, right? Or is it Biddy?) Oh, Bibby…
And anyone else notice that their Heidi Watney wears too many pearls? And that green shirt? What was that?!
By the way: Blogger friend Sports Attitudes gave me a few tips before my family got here:
“tell them you remain concerned about the Heat’s ability to close out games like Game 2 on Thursday…which reminded you of how they failed at times during the regular season. This will establish a) you know of Game 2′s results and b) you know of a reputation the team had from earlier in the year. You are covered both short and long-term. You can also say you are still confused why the Heat did not foul with a foul to give at the end of Game 2, and/or why Chris was covering Dirk. You’re good to go now.”
I said something like, “The Mavericks are closed. And Dirk is wearing too many covers. When you have a foul you foul it or you’ll fail in the regular season. What’s with Chicago, anyway?”
Clearly, SA, you should have been more clear…