Home > Drunken Live Blogging > It’s NOT OVER. No. NO IT IS NOT. Live Blogging, Sox vs Stanks

It’s NOT OVER. No. NO IT IS NOT. Live Blogging, Sox vs Stanks


6:49 p.m. Apparently not the Red Sox. Because they are down 3-0.

6:52. Two outs. This is stupid.

6:55 p.m. I could be watching “Babe, Pig in the City” right now.

6:57 p.m. To recap. It is the nightcap. John Lackey is pitching. And it is the bottom of the second. A horrible game. And Teix just got a hit. And Carl Crawford couldn’t find it. And then he just threw the ball randomly. And it rolled around a little. And now we’re looking at whether it was a foul or whatever. Of course they won’t rule it a foul. Of course. But now jackass is out at third anyway. The Sox think this will make me feel better. STOP PANDERING TO ME, RED SOX. I mean, the Stank got a single. Oh. And another single. So there’s TWO now on base. But, whatever. WHATEVER. The indifference is scathing. SCATHING. It’s like boiling tar indifference. Oh, look, Curt Young appears at the mound. Which is like the first time I’ve seen you, so I think this is the first time you ran out of whatever your equivalent of sunflower seeds is. It’s probably like, now and later or some kind of really sticky, tooth pulling candy. I bet you have a lot of cavities, CURT YOUNG. Whatever. WHATEVER. I mean, there’s only one out. And, oh look. Another hit. Pedroia catches. So. There’s two outs. I mean, it’s better than one out. I mean, Lackey can’t get an out. So any out is an out. OUT. Please? John Lackey. Lackey. Slackey. It is 7:02 and I have this weird mash up of gross indifference and numbing anger. So it’s like I’m … numb. It’s an interesting feeling, really, feeling the hope rush out of your veins. Tingly. I mean, I’ve felt it before (thanks, Red Sox). I just kind of… I don’t know… thought the numbness was over and that… Oh. A catch. Okay.

Annnnnd that’s over.


The commercials are more intriguing than this game.

And pop out. POP. OUT.

Marco Scutaro. Hi, Marco Scutaro. Hi.

You got a hit, Marco Scutaro. YOU know how to play. YOU watched the Goofy video.

YOU don’t hate me.

It’s nice to have SOMEONE I can trust.

Oh, Jason Varitek! I am so glad to see you. So glad. I mean, I knew you were catching. I knew that. But watching you bat, it’s like… like… I love you, Jason Varitek. Because you WANT to win. It’s you and me and Marco and Jacoby. It is only us now.

Oh. You’re out, Jason Varitek. YOu are out. And… Um…

Okay. I will… I will respect your… THAT’S CRAP, TEK.

Jacoby. Jacoby will save us. We don’t need you. We don’t need anyone. It’s Jacoby and me and Marco. We’re going to start a band. A BAND. It will be called the winners. You can start a band and you can call it the losers. Or the Lackeys. Which is a synonym for the Losers.

Our band is going to be so cool, Jacoby. Soooooo cool. Oh. You’re out. Oh.

It’s okay. You’re still in the band. I guess.

But Scut, don’t be getting any ideas.


John Lackey clearly wants to be the band frontman since he is sucking.

I mean, there’s one out. But he still sucks.

You still suck, John Lackey.

You know, a surprising number of people find this website by googling “Lackey sucks.”

Mark Teixeira is evil. Does clumsy defeat evil? Nope. Not even whimsy. I saw that look, John. Yankees fans LOVE John Lackey.

The Angels gave us John Lackey. They’re smarter than they look, FDA.

Yes, FDA. You can feel free to send me new, exciting paintshop pictures. You’re very good, and my blog needs pictures. You should illustrate this. Inning by inning. I tried to. But I got mad.

It is 7:21 and Nick Swisher doesn’t respond to my psychic head implosion glare.

There is no point hating the Rays. No point. They are too irrelevant to hate.

The Orioles too.

I reserve hate for calculated enemies. The kind that can, you know, actually beat you and not just rely on your own mound imploding in a metaphorical volcano.

Their pitcher keeps touching his pants. It’s creeping me out.

We are NOT irrelevant. We are just uninspired. Sadly, we remain relevant.

Out. Oh, Pedy…

My friend Daniel just texted: “Doing anything tonight?”

I responded

“Eating ice cream with a fork, crying and watching the box score.”

Danny Ainge is not calculated. Because I have not heard of him.

I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate.

Lackey does NOT care. Lackey HATES us.

See? See how much Lackey hates us?!

So, here’s a question worthy of more thought than this game. I might cut my hair all off tomorrow. I mean, I know I have said that before. But I really might. Thoughts? Or maybe I’ll go back to being blonde. I don’t know. Oh, and the boy is coming tomorrow (theoretically). May I could chop my hair off and dye it blonde.

So, I turned the sound off on the game, and I’m listening to Fiona Apple on Spottify. It is improving my day.

Oh look. It is still 3-1. Oh look.








Ohmygod JD Drew it is so good to see you. I am seeing you, right? It is him, right? RIGHT?


It is! It is! it isssss!

Ohmygod. Ohmygod. OHMYGOD. Jason Varitek! You decided to get on base! AHHHHHHHHHHHH

This is the best game ever! The best game ever!

Of course, my ever bar is the past week…

I mean, I wish you had hit the ball, but throwing yourself in front of it, that’s noble.

OHMYGOD We are going to be okay, FDA.


Vacuuming stairs is hard.


What.. What? Jacoby? JACOBY? You just can’t have Drew stealing your thunder, can you?


I don’t know. I cut it short(er) last time. Maybe I should slice it all off in protest of September Sox.

FDA, we should fast.

Like Gandhi.

Oh. John Lackey is still pitching. I mean, if we were the Yankees, they would have pulled him. Or the Blue Jays. See, I know that, because I PAY ATTENTION TO THE GAMES, Curt Young.

Okay. So I want to look cute, but cute casual. So, I found this purple shirt with stripes at Goodwill today and I am going to pair it with these pink hair clips. Yes? Tomorrow?

This is so much more important than this loser game. And then I have this pink glitter eyeshadow stuff that is subtler than it sounds. Yes. And black jeans. And heels. Crap. I’m not supposed to wear heels anymore. Ankles. Screw that. Heels!

Oh look. Inning over.

Maybe small heels.

There are lots of ways to fast, FDA. I am giving up grilled cheese sandwiches. You could give up cursing. You could do a cursing fast. You know. Because you like cursing!

If you spit nails, could you take a picture? I will put it on my blog and call it Kristin (or is it Kristen, I forgot already?) spitting nails.

Look. They are playing. Kinda. Pedroia, could you join the club of people that know how to play? Thanks.

They look a little selfdestructy. Nice to see that in a team that’s not us.

Since Curt Young doesn’t watch the game, maybe he should go out and get everyone ice cream so that they can eat it in front of the Yankees.

This is a terrible, terrible, terrible game.

Wait.. wait… did something… did something GOOD just happen? We’re on second AND third? AND third? Did something…

I am going to stand very very very very still.


Oh. We got a run.

Oh. Um. Maybe that’s why you did that.

Oh. Um.


You still can’t be in my band!


3-2? That’s… That’s… 3-2? We could… we could… I mean…



No. They NEEEEEED us, FDA. They’re like our children. You have to love them no matter what. Even when they are in meth debt. That hop thing Pedroia did just now was cute.

I mean, irrelevant, really. But cute. Kind of Harlem Globetrotty, so, clearly he reads this.

OHMYGOD My computer is working! So wordpress decided to break. Which was okay, because the Red Sox were fixed. And they were not fixed. And now Morales is messing everything up. And there is only one out. And I am so angry I could… well… did, throw things. They were ink pens. And they broke against my wall dramatically and it took me like ten, maybe fifteen minutes to clean up. DAMNITNO.

I hate this game. I hate this game. I do not understand why this is happening.

Hi, Jere and Andrew. I am glad I am not alone.

Yes. Yes. Talk to him. TALK TO HIM.

JD Drew is back. That’s good.

Andrew, this is the internet. Maybe I don’t have a shirt. Maybe I have five shirts. You don’t know.

I seriously almost died in the 9th. I was okay in the 10th and 11th. In the 12th I started to get aneurysmy again.

We go the 14th? I hope so. My computer (unsurprisingly) must be slow, because it is in the bottom of the 13th.

Okay. I’m back. I’m back, guys. SOMEBODY say SOMETHING to make me feel better.


I don’t know. I don’t know!

In the interim between broken wordpress and fixed wordpress, I turned the volume wayyyyy up on the Sox game and vacuumed my stairs. All of them. Well, except for the middle two stairs. I’m not sure how to do that. I can’t carry my vacuum (it’s huge) and the extendy tube does not reach those two stairs.

It’s horrific.

So I have some great stairs. And two crappy stairs.

It’s like the Red Sox.

And those two crappy stairs just ruin the whole team of stairs.

Now it is in the 14th! But Jere already knew that.

Okay. Seriously. Commercial break. PEPTALK TIME.

True or false… I should chop my hair off.

You are guys. You don’t care.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

We should take bets on how many innings this will go. I’ve got five on 16.

Why are they doing this to us, Jere?


Andrew. If -I- were in New York, I’d be busy FIXING THIS.

Oh yeah. Now that I can type nooooooooo one wants to comment anymore.

Yay! We did something! We did something, guys! We’re on base again! We’re on base again! Marcoooooo Scutaroooooooo….

I must be like five minutes behind you, Jere. This is great. You can warn me before horrible things happen.

Jacoby Ellsbury will save us. He will save us all.

I have to work tomorrow. And make lasagne. And clean my kitchen. And do all of these things by like six p.m. because, theoretically, that is when the boy gets here. Even though I have a meeting at 6:30 that I kind of forgot about. Conundrum. If I don’t go to it, it won’t be in the paper. And if it’s not in the paper, it didn’t happen. And if it didn’t happen, I didn’t need to go in the first place.

I love logic.

I also love you, Marco Scutaro. Because you are on a base.

Something went out of the park? DAMN YOU MLB delay. Salty is batting right now.

I want to dance. I want to dance… damn it.

DAMN YOU, SALTY. Pop caught. But you guys know that. Jacoby at the bat. I am excited. I feel like I am going to my own surprise birthday party. I LOVE fake surprises. Must. Adjust. Makeup. Before turning doorknob…

I just fell off my couch.

I knew it was coming. You told me it was coming. I just fell off the couch.

It felt like calories, Andrew. It felt like calories and I LOVE food.

Are you crying? I’m crying. I don’t think a baseball game has made me cry since Tek got his last home run.


I… I…

I need a minute with my thoughts.

I can feel again, guys! I can… feel…

It’s like… how centuries were judged before and after Christ? You know, BC? AD?

All moments from now on will be referred to as AJ.

After Jacoby.

I hate babies. But I’d have yours, Jacoby. I would.

Please, Andrew. I belong to Kevin Youkilis. And. Um. Jacoby Ellsbury. I think Kevin Youkilis would understand.

Okay. Bullpen. All you have to do is keep them from scoring three times. Think you can do that? I think…

I think I don’t trust you. Curt Young. Tito. I will blame you. I will not blame Felix Doubrant. I will blame YOU.

All I have ever wanted in my life were these three outs.

OHMYGOD I hope so. We have one out on my computer. One out. I hope we won.

You can tell me the ending. It’s okay. It’s not a Hitchcock movie.

Well. Um. Kind of. It’s kind of like Vertigo, don’t you think? But with a positive (I hope) ending.

So. Um. Not like Vertigo.

Pleasepleasepleaseplease strike out. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Felix Doubrant. I won’t make fun of you the next time you play. Probably. Just do this for me.


Just one more. Just. One. More.

I am thrilled to fricking pieces at the prospect of winning.

And perplexed, because this took 14 sucky innings. And confused, because we win the Lackey games and lose EVERY OTHER GAME.

And angry, because this is not how I wanted to enter the post season.

And happy, because this game is a big middle finger to Tampa.

And angry, because Joe Girardi is spiteful.

And happy because I like winning. And grilled cheese sandwiches.

We… We WON! We won. WE WON.

Let me rephrase. JACOBY ELLSBURY WON.



I miss Kevin Youkilis.

I have to go to sleep.

I have so many mixed emotions.

Maybe.. maybe Lackey SHOULD pitch during the post season…


Thank you, Jere and Andrew, for sticking it out. All we have is each other.

And Jacoby Ellsbury.


I think I am happy.

Thank you, Jere. I might. 🙂

Categories: Drunken Live Blogging
  1. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Jacoby can’t save us. I hate the damn Angels. They had to lose today or they could over take us instead of those damn devil Rays. All that step on a crack breaks the Yankees/Tampa Bay Rays backs was a waste of my time today. waste. I am going to think of an idea to paint shop during this game.

    Let me point this out. The red sox are NOT breaking my heart. They are pissing me off.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    I never thought I would say this but Thanks Oakland Raiders for making my day. Haha Jets. YOU lose.

  3. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    OMG I NEVER thought of that. I really, really Hate the Angels now but not as much as I hate the Yankees and DEVIL Rays.

  4. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    We are irrelevant. I feel like my bones are coming out of my skin. I am that angry.

  5. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Calculated enemy is Danny freaking Ainge

  6. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    I said to my mother in the middle of the season that the Yankees and Sox ALWAYS end up with an almost identical record against each other. As soon as the games matter we won’t win and look, I WAS RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    They have quit. They have %%^%$%$%$$%^ quit. Don’t even blame Lackey for this loss. When your hitters don’t care you can’t win. At least Lakcey cares.

  8. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    Danny AInge IS Caluclated. He holds grudges and does things that do not benefit the team for his own selfish reasons. I HATE HIM. I WANT HIM DEAD. I laughed when I heard he had a heart attack. Yep, I am pure evil.

  9. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    OMG JD Drew lives

  10. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    and OMG He can hit. Not only can he hit but he hit with actual men on base, WOW

  11. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    I can see it now. We will either score 18 runs in this game and nothing for the next 4 or just the one JD Drew just batted in.

  12. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    So now you can’t hit Ellsbury. URGH

  13. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    Never cut your hair.

  14. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    3 strikes looking? Does Nunez think he is a Red Sox?

  15. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Fast? Ya…. no. I wouldn’t be able to eat until October was over.

  16. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    The media is enjoying this downfall and I am seriously about to spit nails

  17. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Ground outs for runs? REALLY? Don’t hit the ball or anything GONZALEZ! and Papi. Oh how I will hate you when you are a Yankee.

  18. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    I am going to do a Red Sox fast in a few minutes if they don’t wake up.

  19. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    OMG One of the only two guys that can hit and you take him out? THEO!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Jeb
    September 25, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Wait…why could you be watching “Babe: Pig in the City” right now? Are you a Babe fan?

  21. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Thanks Scuturo but if this is a trick that is just going to kill me in the next inning don’t bother but thanks:)

  22. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    OMG Even Tek got a hit.

  23. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Every time you go away we start hitting.

  24. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    Do we really think Lackey can hold this lead? Lets be realistic here and Tek gets a hit so we take him out. Francona is on the Yankees damn payroll.

  25. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    I don;t understand this. Every time we hit Francona takes out the runner WTF is he doing?

  26. September 25, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    WordPress isn’t working. I am restarting my computer. It keeps saying I have chosen to download a file called “post.” and refuses to update.
    But the Red Sox are fixed. A conundrum. ~Lauren

  27. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    What a way to abandon me during this trying time. I get no updates. I die alone.

  28. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    It’s a good thing you are gone. We are about to blow this anyway.

  29. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    I am all alone and going to either throw up or throw my computer depending on how this inning ends.

    If you never hear from me again that means we lost and I threw my computer.

  30. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Our season is up to Marco Scuturo

  31. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Nope. They walked him. It’s up to Salty. Saltalacchia

  32. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 9:08 pm


  33. FireDannyAinge
    September 25, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    What a waste. I am really done. Goodnight.

    The Yankees are going to get what is coming to them. Bringing in Rivera just to screw us because they think walking all over Tampa will be easier then walking all over the Red Sox.

    That type of BS will end in hell for them.

    I am SO DAMN GLAD that the Phillies got Cliff Lee.

  34. September 25, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Top 13. Need baserunners…..

  35. September 25, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Dustin still giving his all, though I prefer running through first to get there faster. Anyway, how about a Papi dong. Girardi tossed. What a douche.

  36. September 25, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Sweet play by Pedroia to start bottom 13!

  37. September 25, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    Ok, I’m here!!! Rough day in NYC…it really was.

  38. September 25, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Please tell me you are wearing black lipstick…

  39. September 25, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    YOu are joking…..just kidding….come on

  40. September 25, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    let’s do this!!!!

  41. September 25, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Lauren, please get angry.

    • September 25, 2011 at 11:18 pm

      i am so angry. you don’t even know. but wordpress is like, broken or something?

  42. September 25, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    One more out, Morales. Please.

  43. September 25, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Ahhhh, I can breathe again. We go to the 14th.

  44. September 25, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    I like that…
    Lauren- take your shirt off

  45. September 25, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Any kind of hit here Jacoby, pleeeease

  46. September 25, 2011 at 11:36 pm


    I had not done physical dancing over a Sox game in way too long…….. thank you Jacoby

  47. September 25, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    Lauren – how did it feel when that left the park….be honest.

  48. September 25, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Black lipstick or we are over!!!

  49. September 25, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    did we just win?

  50. September 25, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    Lauren- take your shirt off….

  51. September 26, 2011 at 12:02 am

    “True or false… I should chop my hair off.

    You are guys. You don’t care.”

    Keep it long. You can always cut it later.

  52. September 26, 2011 at 12:15 am

    I have a thank you card on my blog for Jacoby Ellsbury. I’d appreciate it if you would all sign it. Thanks. 🙂 Good night. It’s nice to go to sleep moderately content for a change…

  1. September 26, 2011 at 12:51 am
  2. October 26, 2011 at 11:48 am

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