What a ridiculous news day.
In a move that has this song in my head all day-
-Ben Cherington adopted a child for us. His name is Daniel McGrath and he’s 17. And now the Red Sox are his daddy.
Daniel McGrath. Hmmm. It’s the 5th highest $$$ signing out of the 435 Aussies signed to play. Don’t worry. He’ll “complete year 12” before Soxing it to spring training next year. And, hey, maybe the beer store will start carding. So, there’s that.
Maybe that’s Benny’s plan. Import people who CAN’T buy beer for the clubhouse.
It doesn’t say how he got his super powers… but I think we all know where that 150 km/hr fastball pitch REALLY came from.
Do you think he’ll introduce us to Gary Busey?
In other news, Trot Nixon is heading this Hall of Fame class… but the REAL news is that he went to New Hanover High School in Wilmington. Did YOU know that? I’ve been there like, a bazillion times. It’s the high school that every movie/tv show uses when they film in North Carolina- a high school I became acquainted with during my actor days. And, apparently, Trot Nixon could have been in the same town. You’d think that someone would have told me.
Oh! Oh! Oh! But there’s more news!
Giving us yet another reason to roll our eyes at New York, Mayor Bloomberg called Boston “Loserville.” Really. Mr. Bloomberg, do you know what comeuppins are? Because they’re comeuppining in April. Loserville? Really? Tim Thomas? Are you going to stand for that? I’ll be checking Facebok later for your statement.
I will remember this, Mr. Bloomberg, and I will rub your snotty little New York nose in it on behalf of all New England (just don’t cry again, Tom Brady) in April. Seriously, footballians, stop crying. How many rings does New England have? Honestly. You’d think you were Michelle Kwan. And a silver medal isn’t THAT bad.
And stop. STOP. Pulling baseball fans into your web of depression with whiny reminders like:
If only Wes Welker caught the ball. If he had, the city of Boston would still be sweeping up the confetti and Tom Brady would be resting comfortably in the pantheon of football greats. We’d still think Giselle Bundchen was charming and we’d be practicing dance moves to imitate Rob Gronkowski’s postgame partying. Eric Wilbur would be living a peaceful life.
Sound familiar? Sure does. In fact, it sounds a lot like last September.
SHUT. UP. Seriously, New England. You WON the Sandwich Monday Contest. Who NEEDS the Super Bowl?
Arbitration has been scheduled for Papi. Here’s to hoping it’s quick and painless!
I’m not the only one, btw, who rolled my eyes at Dan Shaughnessy yesterday. Our friends at Fenway West also voiced their whatevers at ya, Dan.
Speaking of rolling our eyes, the Roy Oswalt drama continues. And my eyes? They’re still rolling. You’d think they’d get tired.
So, kiddies, what do you think? Teenagers. Papi. Roy Oswalt. I’d like to hear your thoughts of the whole mess that is the Red Sox offseason.
Nick Cafardo and I agree on one thing today. And that is Tim Wakefield.
Who- as I’ve said before- we shouldn’t just write off- despite the imaginary walker.
Not sure it’s safe to assume that his tenure with Boston is over. Even if they don’t sign him right now, what prevents them from bringing him back in May or June or even after the All-Star break if they need a starter? He could always be one of those half-season veteran pitchers.
That’s what I see for Tim. Tim’s a utility guy and a hero. He’s not the guy you parade around the mound for a milestone. He can still serve a purpose.
And every time we write him out- he comes back as a weapon.
Well, you know. Except for that one time. Okay, that several times over the summer.
But that wasn’t his fault, see. It was the number.
Numbers are scary beasts.
So. Here’s the deal, folks. Benny C is playing it… safe? Is that even the word for this? He’s certainly playing it oppositeville. Maybe he was hanging out with Michael Hill… they were playing chess, see, when all of a sudden… the board, it got struck by lightning, right? And their hair frizzed up. Oh! And then, something magical happened like that one time on Gilligan’s Island. They switched brains!!!!!
Or, maybe Benny C doesn’t know we have money.
Maybe he doesn’t read all the disparaging comments people make about how we’re moneybaggers and buy our championships and have a bazillion dollars.
Or maybe he’s busy arguing salaries with our six unsigned arbitration-eligible players: RHP Alfredo Aceves, INF Mike Aviles, RHP Andrew Bailey, RHP Daniel Bard, OF Jacoby Ellsbury and DH David Ortiz.
Or maybe he’s still playing with the rolly chair in what used to be Theo Epstein’s office.
Are we REALLY too broke for Roy Oswalt?
I do not understand how moving around payroll works. I understand that it’s how we lost Alex Rodriguez (blessing in disguise). I understand that the internet understands it better than I do-
Can we unLackey ourselves or something? I mean, it’s not like he can play…
I am so confuzzled by our pseudo-poverty.
So, in other words- this could be as good as it gets- at least for now.
Provided we have Aceves in our rotation- how do we stack up- right now- as of Jan. 17? Because I’m not feeling the rotation strength. The real people we’ll be counting on- Lester, Beckett, Buccholz- they couldn’t pull us out of a Soxplosion. And now they’re starring in our comeback tour? I’m not feeling the pep today, folks.
In other news- it always hurts when someone moves on. You know the relationship is over. You say you’re fine. But it’s like that Gavin DeGraw song-
I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m talking about…
This is what I get, Soxies. This is what I get for being distracted by my OWN issues. DAMN YOU, BEN CHERINGTON!!!!!!!!!
I look away for ONE SECOND. One fricking second. And THIS is what happens.
We will NEVER be friends, Kelly Shoppach.
And this is a strike and a HALF for you, Ben Cherington. And for you, Bobby Valentine. And for YOU, America. For blogging all week long about how outplayed Tek is.
When he was drafted, Shoppach was regarded as the potential catcher-of-the-future who might ultimately take Varitek’s place. A decade later, that outcome appears to be coming to fruition, albeit in unexpected fashion.
Say it isn’t true! Make it not be true!!!!!!!
This is EXACTLY like that scene in West Side Story where Chino tells Maria Tony killed her brother. EXACTLY like that.
Okay. So maybe it’s not like THIS version. But imagine this as a GOOD version.
Tek isn’t about the numbers. He’s about the heart. And about stability. And every other thing that’s been fizzling since Soxsplosion. I just want some fricking stability. Is that so much to ask for? Is that so wrong? It’s always the children that suffer, Benny C. You people NEVER think of the children.
As for you, Jason Varitek- it’s not over for us.
I don’t care what the Red Sox say. You’ll always be captain to me.
More on this later when I can see through my tears.
Can you at least return to my have-Tek-replace-Curt-Young plan? Please?????
My feelings can best be expressed in the 90s classic, “Say it ain’t so” by Weezer.
Youtube is fun today.
After a super tense coin toss-
(I imagine it went something like this, except it took two months):
– the Red Sox have their guy.
That’s right. BOBBY FRICKING VALENTINE.
(Pretend to be shocked, guys! Pretend to be shocked!)
I imagine the club house will look kind of like this:
I only kind of meant that.
In all seriousness, huzzah for decision making, yes?
And I’m sure Valentine will take this very seriously. He’s a serious guy. After all, according to his wikipedia page, he was named director of public safety for Stamford, Connecticut, a town that’s been mentioned in “The Office” like twice.
I am sure he will be well liked and respected. I mean, see? There’s already a Facebook group devoted to the guy. Oh. Right…
To celebrate the decision, I’ve compiled a few of my favorite Bobby Valentine clips for your perusal.
Oh! And don’t forget how friendly Bobby V is-
And who can forget THIS MOMENT? It won’t let me post the video. But the link is so very, very swell.
Let’s welcome our new skipper, shall we? Officially. What advice would you have for Bobby V? Let him have it in the comments. Here’s mine:
Seriously, guys. I’m just so happy we picked somebody. I’m so happy that it’s shot-thirty in tequila-ville.
Have you twittered me yet?
I am completely — and very happy to be — a part of the Blue Jays organization. I love what I’m doing. I don’t view any other opportunities, or rumors about openings, as a distraction to what I’m currently doing. So, in my mind, I’m a Toronto Blue Jay.
Whatever, John Farrell. I don’t need you. I’m an island, damnit.
Ours are GOLD. At least in the case of Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia and (eh..) Adrian Gonzalez.
Ellsbury is significant- and not just because he is the ONLY RED SOX TO REMEMBER HOW TO PLAY BASEBALL IN SEPTEMBER (I’m okay. I’m getting over it. Really, I am. I’m okay)…
It’s because our outfielders are notoriously not golden. Ellsbury is the first Sox outfielder to Gold Glove it up since Ellis Burks in 1990. Ah… 1990. When I was six-years-old and addicted to popsicles. I could use a popsicle right now. Remember the chocolate ice cream bars with the cookie crumby crust? Those were the best. The six-year-old me may have been slightly chubby… but damnit… she was happy.
Back to the 27-year-old me… the me that NEVER gets ice cream…
Now. Look at this list with me and chuckle. Chuckle louder. I’d like for Brett Gardner to be able to hear you from New York:
P Mark Buehrle (White Sox)
C Matt Wieters (Orioles)
1B ADRIAN GONZALEZ (Red Sox)
2B DUSTIN PEDROIA (Red Sox)
3B Adrian Beltre (
Rangers Former Red Sox I WISH YOU WERE KEVIN YOUKILIS)
SS Erick Aybar (Angels. NOT DEREK JETER!!!)
LF Alex Gordon (Royals)
CF JACOBY ELLSBURY (Red Sox)
RF Nick Markakis (Orioles)
Oh. Tampa. You didn’t get invited to the party either. Oh. Awwwwwkward.
I’m proud of our boys, who are (I’m sure) at this very moment strapped to chairs Clockwork Orange style, being forced to watch every moment of failure through the entire season…. because only making them watch September wouldn’t be as effective and wouldn’t last as long. I have no doubts that Ben Cherington is doing this for us because he loves us and wants us to be happy.
Great minds think alike, see. Because, over the past few weeks, I too have been thinking about clever punishments for the Sox. In no particular order- some of what I have come up with (the G-rated).
Ben Cherington, feel free to use any of these suggestions. You don’t even have to give me credit:
1. Locking them in an I-Max Theater and making them watch extended commentaries on every game they lost this season. From everyone at ESPN. And then bring in Jerry Remy for a “discussion” and health seminar.
2. Locking them in the dugout sans six pack with Dr. Phil for some “group time.”
3. Forcing them to do a dangers-of-fried-foods psa with Jim Henson muppets and deliver it personally to urban elementary schools. With actual, live children.
4. Make them each write 1,500 word essays on what they did wrong, present power point presentations, and then send me a creative “I’m sorry” card made out of construction paper.
6. Make each one of them do suicide sprints in Fenway Park with a post-op John Lackey strapped to their backs.
7. They like chicken? Fine. Make them eat ten truck fulls of chicken in one sitting- Miss Trunchbull style.
8. Make them hang out with Bud Selig. SANS ALCOHOL.
9. Assign them each a confused Sox-era kid. Have them explain exactly what went wrong. TO CHILDREN. If the child cries, YOU HAVE TO START OVER.
10. Make them all watch the movie Secretariat. On repeat.
11. Hire Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum to force them to make outfits out of chicken boxes, wear them on a runway, and then submit themselves for public humiliation, Project Runway style.
12. Host a Nicholas Cage movie marathon so that they can see what a LIFETIME of failure REALLY LOOKS LIKE.
13. Force everyone (except Jacoby Ellsbury) to play an entire high stakes baseball game ALL BY THEMSELVES so that they know how Jacoby felt.
14. Yell at them until they cry.
Have a better suggestion? Hit the comments. I’m sure Ben Cherington will appreciate it.
Congratulations to Jacoby, Dustin and A-Gonz. It’s nice to report GOOD NEWS, for a change.
And congratulations to the Yankees for…
Oh. Right. Awwwwkward.
In other news, Ben Cherington has a girlfriend. And she kind of looks like a grown up Kelly Kapowski.
Oh, and Jonathan Papelbon could be on the Rangers’ radar…
And some people want David Ortiz sent to the YANKEES.
John Lackey has been Tommy Johned.
And Mike Quade is OUT of the Cubs organization. Just speculation… but could this mean Tito could expect a phone call? You know, Theo in a gruff voice saying, “Man, I’m trying to get the band back together again…”
And in neat news, check out the Ted Williams love letters being auctioned off…
I am very angry.
But, when I take a minute. And pretend this isn’t the sum of an epic, epic collapse and its chaotic little entraily parts… I realize that Theo, OUR Theo… is in a better place.
While we will mourn his passing… we can take comfort in the fact that he and our beloved Tito do not have to deal with the SHITSTORM that is a Red Sox 2011 October. A shitstorm, mind you, that is EPICLY worse than the shitstorm that was our September.
The weather report?
So, Theo, now that I have calmed down and taken YOUR feelings into consideration, my feelings can best be expressed by the 1970s sensation Kansas. Ahem:
Excuse me. I’m going to go cry in a public restroom now.
HOLD THE PHONE. I have figured it out. I have a song. I have a scene. THAT PERFECTLY describes what is going on in Boston. I know I hurl my musical theatre background at you guys constantly and sometimes have to reach for relevance- but listen to this WHOLE song and TELL ME it is not the stupid Red Sox front office. Humor me and enjoy your education. Your instructor? Who I wanted to be when I grew up: Bernadette Peters. And I still could. I am not a grown up yet.
By the way, her name is Nancy Brady and she is a homewrecker.
Maybe it isn’t true…
AND ANOTHER THING- the boy (the one that’s not Kevin Youkilis and exists on this reality plane) is at a Canes vs Bruins game. Right now. In Raleigh. And I’m not there.