How ya doin’ this morning, Tom Brady?

I’d like to dedicate this song to Mr. Tom Brady.

I’d continue to harass you about your devastating loss to New York last night, Tom, but if TMZ is correct, you have enough problems this morning, don’t you, tough guy?

Click here, Pats fans. This will make it all better.

Congrats to PAUL for winning the TooSoxy Super Bowl contest and rightfully predicting the Brady smackdown.

While it was fun to watch the close up of sad eyes through the helmet (TB, I’m talking to YOU!)… I couldn’t actually sit through the Eli Manning dance…

Anywho, back to the GOOD part of New England- the RED SOX.

Yay, Red Sox.

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Reports come out today that Jason Varitek is still “deliberating.”

“He’s deliberating what he wants to do,’’ said his agent, Scott Boras.

And that deliberation has to include the very difficult reality of possible retirement.

Varitek will be 40 years old on April 11. In his heart, he believes he can still play. His body feels as good as it has in a long time. So why quit now?

That probably is his mind-set, but the reality is that there is no room on the Red Sox roster for him.

Whatever, Nick Cafardo!

But seriously, what Scott Boras SHOULD be doing? Sorting out a way for the Cap to coach. Or buying balloons for the retirement party. Please don’t send Tek to Minnesota.

Tek shouldn’t have to fight for a roster spot. I really hope that’s not the route this takes…

—-

Speaking of our classics, David Ortiz is saying he really wants to avoid arbitration. Really, Papi? Because there’s a really easy way to avoid arbitration. Don’t arbitrate!

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And Roy Oswalt drama is STILL going on? Seriously?

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A sad analysis that Josh Beckett 2011 will return in 2012.

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And apparently we could trade for Jason Bartlett, who, as the Bleacher Report points out today, would be a terrible, terrible idea.

Bartlett managed a batting line of .245/.308/.307/.615 in 2011.  His worst full season in his career.  If that isn’t bad enough, he broke his own record by beating his previous worst career season, which came in 2010.  His batting line then was .254/.324/.350/.675.

Hey, you know who WAS NOT having a record bad season? Marco Scutaro. Let’s see if he’s available to shortstop.

—-

In unadulterated wallowing fashion, Over The Monster has released its collection of the worst baseball moments of 2011.

The Red Sox were going to win the World Series. At least that was the prediction before the season started. After all, they signed Adrian Gonzalez. And Carl Crawford. And the pitching rotation was healthy. All signs pointed to destruction and devastation of any team that could potentially stand in their way.

Oh, how wrong that prediction felt in April.

This is too depressing to keep quoting.

Yuck.

I made my own list, if you’ll recall, last year. Here it is, if you didn’t get a chance to marvel.

On that note, have a happy Monday! I’ll be 28 tomorrow. Do you think I’ll feel like an adult?

~L

PS- If you like politics, you will giggle at the comparison between the Curse of the Bambino and Mitt Romney, made by Matthew Dowd at the National Journal:

The legendary Curse of the Bambino fell upon the Boston Red Sox when they sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees in the 1919-1920 season. The Red Sox went nearly a century after that without winning another World Series. The curse was lifted in 2004. But could it then have moved on to haunt another team? A political team?

Nick Cafardo and I agree on something. Oh, and this could be as good as it gets, folks.

Nick Cafardo and I agree on one thing today. And that is Tim Wakefield.

Who- as I’ve said before- we shouldn’t just write off- despite the imaginary walker.

Not sure it’s safe to assume that his tenure with Boston is over. Even if they don’t sign him right now, what prevents them from bringing him back in May or June or even after the All-Star break if they need a starter? He could always be one of those half-season veteran pitchers.

That’s what I see for Tim. Tim’s a utility guy and a hero. He’s not the guy you parade around the mound for a milestone. He can still serve a purpose.

And every time we write him out- he comes back as a weapon.

Well, you know. Except for that one time. Okay, that several times over the summer.

But that wasn’t his fault, see. It was the number.

Numbers are scary beasts.

—

So. Here’s the deal, folks. Benny C is playing it… safe? Is that even the word for this? He’s certainly playing it oppositeville. Maybe he was hanging out with Michael Hill… they were playing chess, see, when all of a sudden… the board, it got struck by lightning, right? And their hair frizzed up. Oh! And then, something magical happened like that one time on Gilligan’s Island. They switched brains!!!!!

Or, maybe Benny C doesn’t know we have money.

Maybe he doesn’t read all the disparaging comments people make about how we’re moneybaggers and buy our championships and have a bazillion dollars.

Or maybe he’s busy arguing salaries with our six unsigned arbitration-eligible players: RHP Alfredo Aceves, INF Mike Aviles, RHP Andrew Bailey, RHP Daniel Bard, OF Jacoby Ellsbury and DH David Ortiz.

Or maybe he’s still playing with the rolly chair in what used to be Theo Epstein’s office.

Are we REALLY too broke for Roy Oswalt?

I do not understand how moving around payroll works. I understand that it’s how we lost Alex Rodriguez (blessing in disguise). I understand that the internet understands it better than I do-

…in order to sign the pitcher at his current asking price a corresponding roster move would have to made in order to free up payroll.

Can we unLackey ourselves or something? I mean, it’s not like he can play…

I am so confuzzled by our pseudo-poverty.

So, in other words- this could be as good as it gets- at least for now.

Provided we have Aceves in our rotation- how do we stack up- right now- as of Jan. 17? Because I’m not feeling the rotation strength. The real people we’ll be counting on- Lester, Beckett, Buccholz- they couldn’t pull us out of a Soxplosion. And now they’re starring in our comeback tour? I’m not feeling the pep today, folks.

—-

In other news- it always hurts when someone moves on. You know the relationship is over. You say you’re fine. But it’s like that Gavin DeGraw song-

I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m talking about…

~L

DODGING (hah! a pun! a pun!) Joe Torre. Carlos Silva. Jason Varitek. And other news to whimsy your Wednesday.

Joe Torre is NO LONGER AT MLB! Why? Because he wants to be George Steinbrenner when he grows up.

Sorry, Bud Selig. You’re going to have to find another sleepover pal to play Truth or Dare with on those long, lonely nights… you could always hire a friend. You can afford it.

This was right before they did each other's nails.

Joe Torre resigns from MLB!

And there was much rejoicing.

But I don’t know if they’re rejoicing in LA. Of course, I do think I heard a chorus of Well-it-couldn’t-be-worse-than-McCourt. A catchy tune, that one…

Joe Torre resigned his executive position at Major League Baseball on Wednesday to join with Los Angeles developer Rick Caruso in bidding to buy the Dodgers.

You’ll recall he stuck it to NY by managing the Dodgers in 08- a role he won’t be returning to…

And NY stuck it to him in a… well… we don’t have to go down that awkward memory trip again.

—-

I hope you’ve got another facial expression…

And the Sox could be hoping newly signed Carlos Silva hulks into a badass…

Last January, the Yankees signed Colon to a minor league contract. The one-time Red Sox starter made New York’s roster in spring training, and for the bargain price of a $900,000 base salary, the 38-year-old right-hander made 26 starts, logged 1641⁄3 innings and posted a 4.00 ERA.

Nick Cafardo reports we’re still interested in Roy Oswalt, Hiroki Kuroda, and Joe Saunders- but not their price tags.

…the price tags on them are not compatible with their budget restraints for the 2012 season.

But Nick Cafardo gets nothing from me until his other prediction comes true- the one about Jason Varitek.

I'll never let go, Tek! I'll never let go!

While there’s lots of Tekky speculation- nothing is coming from the actual RED SOX- a point gracefully pointed out today by MassLive.

Maybe the Red Sox are formulating a creative plan for Varitek to return in some non-playing role but stay in shape, just in case.

If it’s anything else, they are not being polite by stringing Varitek along.

Seriously.

If the Sox hired Varitek as a coach or advisor, but told him to stay in shape in case an emergency need for a catcher occurred, I could see the logic.

Let’s do that.

In other news… Snowpocalypse averted in Boone, North Carolina.

And I get to write about basketball Friday. The new guy (UNC-Chapel Hill fan/musician. Let’s call him “Sweaters.” Yes. Because he wears sweaters.) is big into basketball. So, I guess this will just give me an excuse to nab a couple study sessions. Is it tacky to bring wine?

~L

Tek will save us from the Snownados. Tek will save us all.

Snow. Youkilis. And Tek. But there’s so much snow, guys. SO. MUCH. SNOW. It’s 11 degrees. ELEVEN. That’s significant, Spinal Tap fans. So I’m distracted. Bear with me. You know. Polar bears have a lot of fur. I need a new electric blanket. Or an electric coat. Do they have electric coats?

—-

My thoughts on life today can best be expressed in this clip from Gilmore Girls. That’s right. Gilmore Girls.

There are SNOWNADOS. Did you know that?

SNOWNADOS.

They come at you with a frigid, frigid cruelty. Barreling at your car and making you cry on the way to work.

I fishtailed ALLLLLLL the way to work today in a 2009, hatchback version of this.

I hate snow so much that I updated the “about me” page to reflect this intense, intense sensation.

I hate snow. And I hate snow drivers.

The geniuses that the North Carolina mountains produce decided it would be a good idea to keep passing on my left. I mean, I 360-ed twice. But sure. I’m sure I’ll miss you, giant jackass SUV with your stupid 4wd and your stupid, stupid, stupid snow tires.

That’s just showing OFF.

The Chevy that can’t is begggggging me not to move to Mass. And I think God is concurring, what with his snow vomit of discouragement. Seriously. It’s been snow vomiting alllllll day. And I have to drive 15 mile to get home. And I hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate weather.

So I’m sitting here, at the office my boss encouraged me to leave (because all of a sudden we’re concerned about my safety. Can’t afford orange traffic vests, folks.)

Procrastinating. I think I just saw Mrs. Gulch fly by. She sure looks cold.

I need a coat with a zipper.

Oh! And boots.

I had an accident with my yak tracks today. I don’t want to talk about it.

In Red Sox news, I am not the only one who appreciates Kevin Youkilis today. Take time out of your snowy schedules to read these wise, wise, wise words posted on redsox.com today.

When Youkilis is healthy, he might be the most valuable piece in Boston’s batting order. He wears down pitchers and also comes up with substantial production. I’ve heard Youkilis is having a very good winter of training, and the hope is that he can avoid the late-season breakdowns of the past two years. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Red Sox missed the postseason both years that Youkilis missed signficant time late in the season.

I took the liberty of bolding the important part for you.

Doesn’t sound like trade fodder to me, naysayers.

Oh god… the snow just made a noise. Seriously. I heard it through the window.

Oh god…

I think it’s saying my name.

Here’s some news that might melt our troubled, troubled hearts-

VARITEK COULD BE BACKKKKKKK?

(Ohmygod, I heard it again. It. Is. Alive. Ohmygod. I think I saw a snowmonkey. Snowmonkeys aren’t real. They’re not real. They’re not… Oh god, its EYES!!!! Relax, Lauren. Stay cool. Focus on Tek. Tek will protect you…)

A paint rendering of what I totally just saw out my window. Totally. Okay. So. Um. It MIGHT have been a squirrel.

Ahem.

Where was I?

Right.

“I’ve heard that [bring Varitek back again is] a possibility,” Jon Heyman of CBS sports said.

Got that, people? JON HEYMAN. H-E-Y-M-A-N.

If Tek does not make a triumphant return, blame Nick Cafardo and JON HEYMAN for your dreams crushing.

(Oh god… it’s snowing harder. Keep typing Lauren! Keep typing! Ward off the frostbite)

Jacoby Ellsbury is getting a raise…

(Oh god… the snownado has a face! It’s looking at me! Oh no! It’s looking at me!)

Interesting article on Dice-K and Yu Darvish… we’re still looking at Kuroda… and…

I’m sorry guys. I can’t keep doing this. There’s something I must do…

If I don’t…

If I don’t…

Make it…

Just know that…

Well… I always…

You know what? Just make up something clever and tell everyone I said it, k?

We’ll always have Soxsplosion. Here’s looking at you, kid.

This never happens in FLORIDA.

Okay. That was SO not a squirrel.

~L

Don’t tease me, Nick Cafardo. I’ve been hurt before…

Varitek “may still be in the picture” for the Red Sox.

Dare to dream?

Damn you, “major league source” and your encouragement!!!!

~L