Archive
DODGING (hah! a pun! a pun!) Joe Torre. Carlos Silva. Jason Varitek. And other news to whimsy your Wednesday.
Joe Torre is NO LONGER AT MLB! Why? Because he wants to be George Steinbrenner when he grows up.
Sorry, Bud Selig. You’re going to have to find another sleepover pal to play Truth or Dare with on those long, lonely nights… you could always hire a friend. You can afford it.

This was right before they did each other's nails.
Joe Torre resigns from MLB!
And there was much rejoicing.
But I don’t know if they’re rejoicing in LA. Of course, I do think I heard a chorus of Well-it-couldn’t-be-worse-than-McCourt. A catchy tune, that one…
You’ll recall he stuck it to NY by managing the Dodgers in 08- a role he won’t be returning to…
And NY stuck it to him in a… well… we don’t have to go down that awkward memory trip again.
—-
- I hope you’ve got another facial expression…
And the Sox could be hoping newly signed Carlos Silva hulks into a badass…
Nick Cafardo reports we’re still interested in Roy Oswalt, Hiroki Kuroda, and Joe Saunders- but not their price tags.
…the price tags on them are not compatible with their budget restraints for the 2012 season.
But Nick Cafardo gets nothing from me until his other prediction comes true- the one about Jason Varitek.
While there’s lots of Tekky speculation- nothing is coming from the actual RED SOX- a point gracefully pointed out today by MassLive.
Maybe the Red Sox are formulating a creative plan for Varitek to return in some non-playing role but stay in shape, just in case.
If it’s anything else, they are not being polite by stringing Varitek along.
Seriously.
If the Sox hired Varitek as a coach or advisor, but told him to stay in shape in case an emergency need for a catcher occurred, I could see the logic.
Let’s do that.
In other news… Snowpocalypse averted in Boone, North Carolina.
And I get to write about basketball Friday. The new guy (UNC-Chapel Hill fan/musician. Let’s call him “Sweaters.” Yes. Because he wears sweaters.) is big into basketball. So, I guess this will just give me an excuse to nab a couple study sessions. Is it tacky to bring wine?
~L
Tek will save us from the Snownados. Tek will save us all.
Snow. Youkilis. And Tek. But there’s so much snow, guys. SO. MUCH. SNOW. It’s 11 degrees. ELEVEN. That’s significant, Spinal Tap fans. So I’m distracted. Bear with me. You know. Polar bears have a lot of fur. I need a new electric blanket. Or an electric coat. Do they have electric coats?
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My thoughts on life today can best be expressed in this clip from Gilmore Girls. That’s right. Gilmore Girls.
There are SNOWNADOS. Did you know that?
SNOWNADOS.
They come at you with a frigid, frigid cruelty. Barreling at your car and making you cry on the way to work.
I fishtailed ALLLLLLL the way to work today in a 2009, hatchback version of this.
I hate snow so much that I updated the “about me” page to reflect this intense, intense sensation.
I hate snow. And I hate snow drivers.
The geniuses that the North Carolina mountains produce decided it would be a good idea to keep passing on my left. I mean, I 360-ed twice. But sure. I’m sure I’ll miss you, giant jackass SUV with your stupid 4wd and your stupid, stupid, stupid snow tires.
That’s just showing OFF.
The Chevy that can’t is begggggging me not to move to Mass. And I think God is concurring, what with his snow vomit of discouragement. Seriously. It’s been snow vomiting alllllll day. And I have to drive 15 mile to get home. And I hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate weather.
So I’m sitting here, at the office my boss encouraged me to leave (because all of a sudden we’re concerned about my safety. Can’t afford orange traffic vests, folks.)
Procrastinating. I think I just saw Mrs. Gulch fly by. She sure looks cold.
I need a coat with a zipper.
Oh! And boots.
I had an accident with my yak tracks today. I don’t want to talk about it.
In Red Sox news, I am not the only one who appreciates Kevin Youkilis today. Take time out of your snowy schedules to read these wise, wise, wise words posted on redsox.com today.
I took the liberty of bolding the important part for you.
Doesn’t sound like trade fodder to me, naysayers.
Oh god… the snow just made a noise. Seriously. I heard it through the window.
Oh god…
I think it’s saying my name.
Here’s some news that might melt our troubled, troubled hearts-
VARITEK COULD BE BACKKKKKKK?
(Ohmygod, I heard it again. It. Is. Alive. Ohmygod. I think I saw a snowmonkey. Snowmonkeys aren’t real. They’re not real. They’re not… Oh god, its EYES!!!! Relax, Lauren. Stay cool. Focus on Tek. Tek will protect you…)

A paint rendering of what I totally just saw out my window. Totally. Okay. So. Um. It MIGHT have been a squirrel.
Ahem.
Where was I?
Right.
“I’ve heard that [bring Varitek back again is] a possibility,” Jon Heyman of CBS sports said.
Got that, people? JON HEYMAN. H-E-Y-M-A-N.
If Tek does not make a triumphant return, blame Nick Cafardo and JON HEYMAN for your dreams crushing.
(Oh god… it’s snowing harder. Keep typing Lauren! Keep typing! Ward off the frostbite)
Jacoby Ellsbury is getting a raise…
(Oh god… the snownado has a face! It’s looking at me! Oh no! It’s looking at me!)
Interesting article on Dice-K and Yu Darvish… we’re still looking at Kuroda… and…
I’m sorry guys. I can’t keep doing this. There’s something I must do…
If I don’t…
If I don’t…
Make it…
Just know that…
Well… I always…
You know what? Just make up something clever and tell everyone I said it, k?
We’ll always have Soxsplosion. Here’s looking at you, kid.
This never happens in FLORIDA.
Okay. That was SO not a squirrel.
~L
Don’t tease me, Nick Cafardo. I’ve been hurt before…
Varitek “may still be in the picture” for the Red Sox.
Dare to dream?
Damn you, “major league source” and your encouragement!!!!
~L