Posts Tagged ‘Jon Heyman’

Roy Oswalt might not be INTERESTED in us? Are we not pretty enough for you, Roy? Because I’m pretty enough for all of you.

January 25, 2012 5 comments

So much news to report when you’re avoiding your own life-altering decisions! Now they’re saying Roy Oswalt has been made an offer. So, um, does this mean we could have the handy-dandy Oswalt-Jackson combo of badassery? Because I’m good at math see. And TWO is always better than ONE.

The Sox have made Oswalt an offer, according to CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman, but it’s reportedly unclear whether he’s interested in joining the team.

Seriously? YOU could be rejecting US? You realize that our management has rejected… um… almost everyone BUT you, right?

Wait… wait, wait… rejecting us for… Cincinnati???? Seriously?

See, this is kind of a big deal, Roy Oswalt. You could be… um… the ONLY big move we’ve made um… ALL OFFSEASON.

Reject us. Hah.

I’ll show you rejection. I’ll reject your rejection, you mess with me.


I’m going to wikipedia you. I’m going to wikipedia you hard, Roy Oswalt.

Oswalt is known as one of the faster workers in baseball in terms of time between pitches. Despite his small frame, he is one of baseball’s hardest hurlers, and frequently appears among the league leaders in innings pitched.

Oswalt throws four primary pitches. His fastball is consistently between 92 miles per hour (148 km/h) and 94 miles per hour (151 km/h), occasionally touching 95 miles per hour (153 km/h) to 97 miles per hour (156 km/h); he throws a high percentage of fastballs and is known to be very aggressive, at times throwing multiple fastballs in a row into the strike zone. He throws an overhand curveball at a speed of approximately 70 miles per hour (110 km/h) that is thrown with three fingers over the seams. Oswalt also throws a Vulcan changeup in the low 80s, which he added to his repertoire during the 2010 offseason, and a slider in the mid-80s.[11]

What the frick is a Vulcan changeup?

Whatever it is, I bet this is the face you make...

You won a gold medal. That’s neat. Um. Okay.

Wikipedia, you seriously need to work on putting more personal information on baseball players on your website. How can I ridicule Oswalt into accepting our offer if I don’t know his character weaknesses and dating history????

Your pitching flaw, at least, is evident.

Oswalt is currently considered to be among the elite pitchers in the National League.

The NATIONAL League. Yeah. That kind of doesn’t count, Roy Oswalt. The ALE is a whole different ballgame. Esp now. Hmmm. I don’t blame you for the wide-eyed fear you probably feel. But you’ll like Boston, Roy. You really will. I mean, I’m not in Boston, a flaw with the city that haunts Kevin Youkilis to this day, but there are other neat things. Like bars. And your new teammates like beer, apparently, so you’ll never Happy Hour alone. Oh! And Boston is the setting of Cheers, like, the greatest show of all time. So you’ll always have Ted Danson. And you could jog along the Cape with a puppy and pretend you’re a Kennedy. See? So many great things about Boston. And there’s, apparently, a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and maybe you’d get to meet Mitt Romney.

Now that I have swayed you, you should really call Benny C back asap. Before he goes bargain binning and gets like seven more mediocre versions of you. Because he’ll do it. Just ask Jed Lowrie.

And I know how difficult this is, Roy. I have a lucrative job offer on the table too. I get it. But, see, it doesn’t get any better than Boston. Just ask David Ortiz.



Tek will save us from the Snownados. Tek will save us all.

January 3, 2012 5 comments

Snow. Youkilis. And Tek. But there’s so much snow, guys. SO. MUCH. SNOW. It’s 11 degrees. ELEVEN. That’s significant, Spinal Tap fans. So I’m distracted. Bear with me. You know. Polar bears have a lot of fur. I need a new electric blanket. Or an electric coat. Do they have electric coats?


My thoughts on life today can best be expressed in this clip from Gilmore Girls. That’s right. Gilmore Girls.

There are SNOWNADOS. Did you know that?


They come at you with a frigid, frigid cruelty. Barreling at your car and making you cry on the way to work.

I fishtailed ALLLLLLL the way to work today in a 2009, hatchback version of this.

I hate snow so much that I updated the “about me” page to reflect this intense, intense sensation.

I hate snow. And I hate snow drivers.

The geniuses that the North Carolina mountains produce decided it would be a good idea to keep passing on my left. I mean, I 360-ed twice. But sure. I’m sure I’ll miss you, giant jackass SUV with your stupid 4wd and your stupid, stupid, stupid snow tires.

That’s just showing OFF.

The Chevy that can’t is begggggging me not to move to Mass. And I think God is concurring, what with his snow vomit of discouragement. Seriously. It’s been snow vomiting alllllll day. And I have to drive 15 mile to get home. And I hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate weather.

So I’m sitting here, at the office my boss encouraged me to leave (because all of a sudden we’re concerned about my safety. Can’t afford orange traffic vests, folks.)

Procrastinating. I think I just saw Mrs. Gulch fly by. She sure looks cold.

I need a coat with a zipper.

Oh! And boots.

I had an accident with my yak tracks today. I don’t want to talk about it.

In Red Sox news, I am not the only one who appreciates Kevin Youkilis today. Take time out of your snowy schedules to read these wise, wise, wise words posted on today.

When Youkilis is healthy, he might be the most valuable piece in Boston’s batting order. He wears down pitchers and also comes up with substantial production. I’ve heard Youkilis is having a very good winter of training, and the hope is that he can avoid the late-season breakdowns of the past two years. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Red Sox missed the postseason both years that Youkilis missed signficant time late in the season.

I took the liberty of bolding the important part for you.

Doesn’t sound like trade fodder to me, naysayers.

Oh god… the snow just made a noise. Seriously. I heard it through the window.

Oh god…

I think it’s saying my name.

Here’s some news that might melt our troubled, troubled hearts-


(Ohmygod, I heard it again. It. Is. Alive. Ohmygod. I think I saw a snowmonkey. Snowmonkeys aren’t real. They’re not real. They’re not… Oh god, its EYES!!!! Relax, Lauren. Stay cool. Focus on Tek. Tek will protect you…)

A paint rendering of what I totally just saw out my window. Totally. Okay. So. Um. It MIGHT have been a squirrel.


Where was I?


“I’ve heard that [bring Varitek back again is] a possibility,” Jon Heyman of CBS sports said.

Got that, people? JON HEYMAN. H-E-Y-M-A-N.

If Tek does not make a triumphant return, blame Nick Cafardo and JON HEYMAN for your dreams crushing.

(Oh god… it’s snowing harder. Keep typing Lauren! Keep typing! Ward off the frostbite)

Jacoby Ellsbury is getting a raise

(Oh god… the snownado has a face! It’s looking at me! Oh no! It’s looking at me!)

Interesting article on Dice-K and Yu Darvish… we’re still looking at Kuroda… and…

I’m sorry guys. I can’t keep doing this. There’s something I must do…

If I don’t…

If I don’t…

Make it…

Just know that…

Well… I always…

You know what? Just make up something clever and tell everyone I said it, k?

We’ll always have Soxsplosion. Here’s looking at you, kid.

This never happens in FLORIDA.

Okay. That was SO not a squirrel.