Jacoby and the LowellBeast and how the Sox are going to be fine, fine, fiiine.
So. THIS really just happened.
Sometimes, when I’m on a really bad Red Sox trip (and our fandom, Soxies, seems a lot like a bad drug trip. Not that I would know. You know, sometimes I wish I would know…), I wake up in those cold sweaty things, and I think, that didn’t really happen. Nope. No. It. Did. Not.
And then, Gordon Edes of ESPN smacks me with my morning news alerts.
Because THIS isn’t a Soxtrip hallucination:
The Red Sox announced it was a right shoulder injury, and that Ellsbury will be evaluated further. But a baseball source said Friday night that Ellsbury had sustained a dislocation or subluxation (partial dislocation) of his right shoulder. No timetable was offered as to how long Ellsbury will be out.
I’d look for more Google news alerts… but I don’ t want to. What if there’s one that says Jacoby’s done? I don’t think I could handle that.
I heard on the radio that they made Jacoby watch and he had to turn his head. Well, UM, YEAH.
Ellsbury collided with Adrian Beltre exactly two years ago. Broke ribs. DL. ELLSBURY, STOP COLLIDING WITH PEOPLE.
Reid Brignac says Ells was yelling and screaming.
“It would not be a stretch to guess he’s going to miss a good bit of time,” Edes says.
I just… can’t… stop…
So, I’m transitioning from that “Oh, my god, they broke my Jacoby” reaction to the “oh, my god, they broke my offensive lineup” reaction.
They’re talking about pulling up this Lin guy. They’re talking about getting Ross, Sweeney and Lin to combine rings and conjure up a super scorer.
I imagine it would look a lot like this:
And then, rising from the glowy lights, an image would materialize. I imagine it would be like, if you smushed together Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek from eight years ago… and David Ortiz and added tattoos like Brett Lawrie’s… and then added evil looking Padilla eyes…
It would be exactly like that, except less animated.
And then, the Lowellbeast would arise and inflict fiery batted doom on all balls in the strike zone (and some that aren’t in the strike zone, because the Lowellbeast is a BADASS).
“I shall avenge thee, JACOBY,” it shall say. In a somewhat gruffy voice.
Kind of like this (you know, except with a shorter name):
And then he shall precede to score 18 runs. EIGHTTEEN.
Yeah. It’s going to be great.
We’re going to be fiiiiiiine.
Jacoby, if I were in Boston, we could do crossword puzzles. I’d even do the writing so you wouldn’t have to. And I’d play as much Go Fish as you wanted…
Oh, Jacoby… I hope you are okay.
Don’t worry about us. Just worry about your shoulder. And about not joining the Stankees.
Don’t worry about us at all. We’ll be fine.
We have Captain Planet.