Home > Previews and pep talks > Jacoby and the LowellBeast and how the Sox are going to be fine, fine, fiiine.

Jacoby and the LowellBeast and how the Sox are going to be fine, fine, fiiine.

So. THIS really just happened.

Sometimes, when I’m on a really bad Red Sox trip (and our fandom, Soxies, seems a lot like a bad drug trip. Not that I would know. You know, sometimes I wish I would know…), I wake up in those cold sweaty things, and I think, that didn’t really happen. Nope. No. It. Did. Not.

And then, Gordon Edes of ESPN smacks me with my morning news alerts.

Because THIS isn’t a Soxtrip hallucination:

The Red Sox announced it was a right shoulder injury, and that Ellsbury will be evaluated further. But a baseball source said Friday night that Ellsbury had sustained a dislocation or subluxation (partial dislocation) of his right shoulder. No timetable was offered as to how long Ellsbury will be out.

I’d look for more Google news alerts… but I don’ t want to. What if there’s one that says Jacoby’s done? I don’t think I could handle that.

I heard on the radio that they made Jacoby watch and he had to turn his head. Well, UM, YEAH.

Ellsbury collided with Adrian Beltre exactly two years ago. Broke ribs. DL. ELLSBURY, STOP COLLIDING WITH PEOPLE.

Reid Brignac says Ells was yelling and screaming.

“It would not be a stretch to guess he’s going to miss a good bit of time,” Edes says.

REID BRIGNAC. Remember how to spell that, Soxies.

I just… can’t… stop…

So, I’m transitioning from that “Oh, my god, they broke my Jacoby” reaction to the “oh, my god, they broke my offensive lineup” reaction.

They’re talking about pulling up this Lin guy. They’re talking about getting Ross, Sweeney and Lin to combine rings and conjure up a super scorer.

I imagine it would look a lot like this:

And then, rising from the glowy lights, an image would materialize. I imagine it would be like, if you smushed together Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek from eight years ago… and David Ortiz and added tattoos like Brett Lawrie’s… and then added evil looking Padilla eyes…

It would be exactly like that, except less animated.

And then, the Lowellbeast would arise and inflict fiery batted doom on all balls in the strike zone (and some that aren’t in the strike zone, because the Lowellbeast is a BADASS).

“I shall avenge thee, JACOBY,” it shall say. In a somewhat gruffy voice.

Kind of like this (you know, except with a shorter name):

And then he shall precede to score 18 runs. EIGHTTEEN.

Yeah. It’s going to be great.

We’re going to be fiiiiiiine.

Jacoby, if I were in Boston, we could do crossword puzzles. I’d even do the writing so you wouldn’t have to. And I’d play as much Go Fish as you wanted…

Oh, Jacoby… I hope you are okay.

Don’t worry about us. Just worry about your shoulder. And about not joining the Stankees.

Don’t worry about us at all. We’ll be fine.

We have Captain Planet.


  1. April 14, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    Hopefully Crawford comes back and is Crawford circa 2010. Then we don’t have to worry about anything ever again. I think he pitched two no hitters that year and saved 42 games as well. So he’ll solve everything.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    April 14, 2012 at 2:30 pm


  3. April 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    We move ahead and play the cards we’re dealt Soxy girl.I just heard “someone” say “We’ll be fine”

  4. FireDannyAinge
    April 14, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Bruins can’t score. Sox can’t hit. WTF is going on in this town #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    • April 14, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Chaos! I am drinking and I am a a karaoke bar trying to forget. I am with the boy and I don’t know if he fully appreciates my singing. I like iPhones. I wish you were here….

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 14, 2012 at 11:34 pm

        I can sing, sing well is another discussion but sing, yes I can do that.

        Ummmmmmm, The sox found their bats, Thats a good thing right?

        Now the Bruins need to find their shots and not the fun kind you drink. The ones that go in the net. I’ll have to find that photo I made to show them last season.

      • April 15, 2012 at 12:08 am

        I sang and he didn’t. That is bad, right? At least I did not dance on a table this time.

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm

        It is okay for you to sing and him not but it is not okay for him to sing and you not to sing. Got it? Next time video take you singing. That I want to see.lol

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