Meet Reid Brignac: The man who broke Jacoby.
Yay! We won! I’ll get to that.
But something with way, WAY more longterm impact than one win smacked us in the face today. Like a mac truck.
It started… with REID BRIGNAC.
Reid Brignac is officially the most hated man in Boston. Think about that for a minute.
The most hated man in Boston.
And you’ve got Joe Maddon to compete with today, buddy… AND Danny Ainge. AND Tom Brady.
The reason Reid Brignac is the most hated man in Boston?
I am glad you don’t know, if you have to ask that question.
I wish I didn’t know.
See, Reid Brignac broke Jacoby Ellsbury.
And my heart…
I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I missed most of the game because of… you know. My job and stuff…
And I’ve been angry about work all day.
But my anger, see… it hasn’t had any focus.
I can’t be angry at my job. It pays me money.
I can’t be angry at MLB. They pay my Red Sox.
But I CAN be angry at you, Reid Brignac.
While I was waiting for your remorseful apology Tweet…
I took the liberty of WIKIPEDIAing you, Reid Brignac. 26-year-old Reid Brignac, who made your major league debut on July 4, 2008. You spent most of your career about ten miles from where I am right now. In Durham. With the DURHAM BULLS.
Your career statistics (as of 5 p.m. Friday wiki-fied) put you at a .231 batting average with 10 homeruns.
It doesn’t list you as a certified maimer… but, I’m sure “kill count=one” will be added to your wiki soon enough, Reid Brignac.
For when you curse his name later, know that his name is pronounced Brin-YAC.
And I HAD TO FIND OUT ON ESPN.
I mean, yes, I wanted Ryan Sweeney to play today. But not this way. Not this way.
Jacoby gets an RBI. Jacoby breaks.
Such is the circle of sh#$.
I have said that Jacoby’s slow start doesn’t bother me as much as it should… because I kind of want him to stay in Boston and not be stolen for his badassishness…
But this is SO not what I meant.
Is this my fault?!
Ellsbury was running on a 3-and-2 pitch when Rays shortstop Reid Brignac, who moved toward second when Ellsbury broke for the bag, fielded a ground ball by Dustin Pedroia, stepped on the base and threw to first. Brignac was upended by Ellsbury’s slide and fell heavily on the Sox center fielder’s shoulder.
I can’t talk about this now.
We WON (but at WHAT COST, Soxies? At WHAT COST????)!
So there’s that.
I did get to see the Tek/Wake sob-a-rama. I am, of course, talking about everyone else. You all know how I am excellent at maintaining that cool demeanor… Not even a sniffle.
IT WAS ALLERGIES.
Seriously. This game was bawl-worthy. And they do this crap to us on purpose. First they bring out Pesky… oh, Pesky… lead him on with two girls holding him up…
Then they bring in JETS. So you have patriotism.
And THEN… Just when you think you’ll be able to hold it together and actually watch some fricking baseball… they have the AUDACITY to bring out Wake and Tek.
This day was extremely emotional for me.
I need some time to process.
I’m still at work, by the way…
My anthem playlist ran out and I’m humming “Mama Mia” by Abba. Over and over and over and over…
PS- Really. Do you think this is my fault? Did I love Jacoby too much? Reid Brignac must have picked up on that… Jealousy. Foul, foul jealous.
PPS- Seriously- It could be my fault! Like in “the Craft,” with Neve Campbell? Even though she really wasn’t the star? It was that chick who looks like the chick who is in “the Truman Show” but isn’t? It’s the girl from that show on CBS that I don’t watch? Oh! And the girl from that classic of all classics “Worst Witch?”
In the Craft, when they do spells for personal gain, it comes back times three.
What if, when I ranted, “Why can’t Ryan Sweeney play today?” to my mirror self this morning… what if the magic from “the Craft” heard me and broke Jacoby?
PPPS- Oh GOD. What if it’s because I left the bar after my lunch break to go back to work? This is because I went back to work, isn’t it?
PPPPS- Do you think it’s because I called Jacoby Ellsbury a benchwarming paperweight and questioned his existence because no one needs to weigh papers in a dugout? Because, if he’s broken, then he’ll really be a paperweight. Like… like… John Lackey… which is REALLY irrelevant because paper does NOT need that much weight…
PPPPPS- Maybe this is YOUR fault.
PPPPPPS- Do you think, that if I wish really hard, it could be yesterday when all we had to complain about was 1-5? Remember those happy days of complaining about 1-5? Is it too late to go back in time and lose today? That would be a fair trade, right?
PPPPPPPS- This is YOUR fault. Yours. And ESPNs. And the MORON. And all those haters who HAD to complaina bout 1-5. 1-5. ONE AND FIVE.
Well, look where we are NOW, jerkwads! Frickdoublefrick.
PPPPPPPPS- Do you think this is my fault?