Home > Previews and pep talks > Missing: Kevin Youkilis- Reward for safe return. Oh! And Johnny Damon’s still a prick.

Missing: Kevin Youkilis- Reward for safe return. Oh! And Johnny Damon’s still a prick.

I am at work waiting on phone calls. So you, (you lucky soxies, you!) get astute ramblings, per yours truly, on the IMPORTANT news of the day. NOT stuff like this. I will NOT comment on that. If you want my comments on THAT, click here.

Seriously. Does THIS look like my husband to you? Holy frick... do you think Josh Beckett is a robot too????

Okay, kids. I am officially (you know, as his wife) filing a missing person’s report for Kevin Youkilis.

That… that… that person we’ve seen over the past few days- it is most DEFINITELY not my husband.

And there’s bullet pointed evidence to back up my he-was-abducted-and-replaced-with-a-robot theory. Ahem:

  • He is skinny. Seriously. Look at him. HE HAS CHEEKBONES. My husband does NOT have cheekbones.
  • He is well kept. SERIOUSLY. Look at his beard! It’s… dare I say PRETTY? WHO ARE YOU, NUMBER 20????
  • Oh. And he can’t fricking hit. MY HUSBAND CAN FRICKING HIT.

THIS is the man I married.

You may be able to fool Bobby V with a paltry imitation of that sexy batter’s dance… but you can’t fool me.

This is EXACTLY like what happened in Terminator 1.

Okay. So. Um. A secret. I never actually saw Terminator 1. But I imagine it was a lot like that…


I haven’t gotten a ransom note- and that’s what worries me. What if, instead of ransoming him, the evil robot overlords (there are evil robot overlords, see) want to use him for their baseball team?! Their baseball team on like, Mars or somewhere? WHAT IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO GIVE HIM BACK????

Seriously. My switched-by-a-robot theory explains a lot of things. Like Julie Brady. Just saying…

So, as Kevin Youkilis’ wife… I am making a personal appeal. Just drop him off at my house. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

See, I know you didn’t mean to start serious trouble, evil robot overlords. You just wanted to win your company baseball league or something. I totally get that. But, see, because of what you did… well… there’s talk.

Just give him back to me and I’ll reward you personally. I am a HELL of a crayon sketch artist. Just ask my Soxy readers. I will give you a Lauren crayon original. IN A FRAME.

Or, if it will hurt too much (don’t want you to fizzle into your own guilt after seeing my stricken, stricken face), just drop him off in the dugout tomorrow. No one has to know. Just make the switch.

And… um… if you’re not using the robot… I mean… I’d take it off your hands… um…

Is Josh Beckett a robot too? You can tell me…

Blogger buddy PAUL sent this to me earlier today… mighty suspicious…

Mighty suspicious... Paul... did YOU kidnap Youkie? You can tell me... I won't turn you in...

By the way, I LOVE it when people send me things. ohnolauren@gmail.com!


In other news, because the paranoia train isn’t full yet… there’s talk about Dustin Pedroia… OUR DUSTIN… LEAVING. Leaving because Larry Lucchino might not cough up the cash.

I swear-to-fisk I will JUMP IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR, Dustin. It will cause a traffic accident. And so much TMZ drama.

Larry Lucchino and I will have this huge fight. And not even non-robot Kevin Youkilis will be able to contain my massive amounts of wrath. There will be so much wrath that you can bottle it and sell it at Belks Department Stores NATIONWIDE. Except you will not be able to contain it in a bottle. And it will leak out into your shopping bags and onto your car seats and cause TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS. And that will back up traffic on the interstate and everyone will be late for work. Which will piss me off even more because I HATE being late for work. Don’t do that to America, Larry. DO. NOT. DO. IT.

In Salty news- there are some who think Lavarnway could do a better job. I’m telling you. It is going to be Salty’s year. Mark my words. Don’t feel like marking my words? Well, have you been paying attention to your boy Lavarnway? Boom. But really, I LOVE Lavarnway. LOVE him. I’m just saying this is Salty’s time…


Regarding Bobby V on the radio. Hah. Hah. Hah. But it still doesn’t make up for your blinky eyes where our hitting (or lack thereof) is concerned. It’s going to take more than a mustache and fake glasses to get me to take you seriously.


Speaking of seriously…

People keep asking how I feel about the Tito snub. Confused, honestly. I mean, it’s not like we’re asking you to stick your tongue down John Henry’s throat (WE WOULD NEVER ASK YOU TO DO THAT). We just kind of wanted you to pat Ortiz on the back or something. Maybe smile at the camera.

I mean, the celebration is about history. And you made history. But I get it… I do. It’s just, you meant a lot to us- enough to overlook chickengate, pill rumors and your nasty sunflower seed spitting habit. I guess I kind of hoped we meant a lot to you, Tito.

It’s eyeroll worthy, but not enough for me to get really stewed over. I’ve got 99 problems and your bitchiness “ain’t one.”

I mean, the man gave me 2004. I did kind of give him a lifetime carte blanche. You know. Except for the Lackey thing…

But really. I’m not going to take it personally. I just kind of thought you were more of a badass, Tito. Maybe you’ve been out of the hat too long.

Grady Little’s out too


And… because he clearly hasn’t burned ALL the bridges in the ALE… Johnny Damon is aiming his ego at…


That’s right.

The land of Drew Carey is now the land of the unemployed caveman… or will be soon if this statement by Johnny Damon is more accurate than his humility-

“It should be done soon.”

Well there you have it. Because there’s no reason not to take Johnny Damon’s word for it

Oh. Right…

Seriously, Johnny. You are the gift that keeps on vomiting all over our feet.

Do you think he has collected an unemployment check?

Now THAT’s something you should look into, Media.

Well, Johnny… All you need are Toronto and Baltimore and you’ve got a virtual full house of eye rollers.

Wow. I just read THIS letter. I TOLD you Johnny Damon reads my blog.

Now, remember to visit TooSoxy’s Cleveland buddy Bheise and congratulate him on his SWEET new addition. Hahahahaha.

Did you just throw up a little bit? I did. Airbrush much?


PS- Even some RED SOX players would rather watch hockey. Um…

We’re going to be fine. FINE. See? Josh Beckett thinks so too.

On our game. Tomorrow. On… um… Friday. The thirteenth. Um…

  1. April 12, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    I know I should be gloating but I’ve lost my blogging desire the last month or so. Jays don’t play the Sox till June, so you guys have a few weeks to get your act together.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    April 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    PLEASE LAUREN. I beg of you. NEVER link a article with a picture of Paul Pierce in it without warning me before hand. I prefer you warn me in bright red text, bolded in a huge font. Thanks:)

    Gloating 6 games into the season? Too bad parades don’t happen in April.

    Now as for Johnny ???? I give you a TV show I watched in the 80’s See Singer Fergie when she was cute and did not have plastic sugery.

    • April 12, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      I LOVED that show. Oh, wow, did I rock out as a five-year-old. Oh, how I wish you were on Netflix, Kids Incorporated. What a GREAT video and… um… what were we talking about again?
      Oh. Right. Yuck.
      Let me play the video again to forget.

      • FireDannyAinge
        April 12, 2012 at 9:16 pm

        Yiu tube has quite a bit of it. I have every episode on tape. I was a collector:) By the way, I don’town a VCR anymore.lol

      • April 12, 2012 at 9:27 pm

        I have a VCR! But no television. Hmmm… if you lived in North Carolina, this would be written in the stars.

  3. April 12, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    it hasn’t even started yet and already I can’t wait for the Johnny Damon era to end. I have you laughing at me, i have my stupid yankee fan fiancee laughing at me. all that’s left is to begrudgingly go all in, buy his jersey tshirt, and take up extreme alcoholism… i have to drink to forget.

    when you speak of me… speak kindly. i may not make it to october.

    • April 12, 2012 at 9:34 pm

      Hahahahahahahahaha. Your fiance and I would be friends today.

      • April 12, 2012 at 9:37 pm

        of course… the one day in the history of ever that a yankee fan and a red sox fan could get along would be at my expense.

      • April 12, 2012 at 9:40 pm

        Maybe Cleveland is trying to create a reality show. I hope so. Jose Canseco needs a job…

  4. FireDannyAinge
    April 13, 2012 at 12:21 am

    toosoxy :
    I have a VCR! But no television. Hmmm… if you lived in North Carolina, this would be written in the stars.

    so true

  5. Mike
    April 13, 2012 at 1:13 am

    I heard that Terry Francona couldn’t make it to your 100 year birthday party because he was going to be at a Liverpool practice rallying the squad before their next game. Afterall, isn’t the BPL more important than a baseball game? ;P

  6. April 13, 2012 at 3:03 am

    Good luck with your evil robot overlord negotiations. Terminator is not the reference you are looking for, by the way – those robots would saughter your hubby, not replace him. Now Invasion of the Body Snatchers, on the other hand – the delightfully cheesy and cliched, unintentionally social commentary filled original, mind you – is right up this situation’s alley. Based on your carefully coiffed beard evidence alone, I suspect that even now an overgrown plastic brussel sprout is bubblng and steaming away in Youk’s basement. 🙂
    — Kristen

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