Sh&@ gets real- Live DRUNKEN blogging returns at 4 p.m.

Sh$#& is about to get real, Soxies.

That’s right. The return of drunken TooSoxy- and this year, there’s a VIDEO twist.

You think I slammed them down LAST year.

You think that river of September tears was all that was in me.

I CAN CRY THE RIVER NILE, MY FRIENDS.

Expect all the blood, sweat, tears and napkin dispenser throwing you’ve come to expect from TooSoxy over the years- except with an HD conclusion.

Join me at 4 p.m. and check back later tonight or tomorrow for the FIRST TooSoxy Video Blog of Victory.

Don’t make me drink alone…

THREE HOURS AND 20 MINS, CHILDREN.

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1p.m. See how easy it is to change a K for Kansas into a K for BECKETT! Here’s hoping I can justify a few more K’s…

Artsy girls are hot. True story.

THREE HOURS!!!!

—-

At my undisclosed, barrific location in Cary. Have forced bartender at ketchup bottle point to vow to keep sox game on. 3:40pm.

3:50. Uh oh. My bartender is a smiler. Uh oh. I shall call him Chippy.

Btw. This blog is brought to you by iPhone. So, if formatting is weird, suck it up because we have more important things to worry about. Um. Some guy just asked me if I am on four square. Um. I am on a barstool? Um.

This is swell. Not a verlafreak in sight!

Ohmygod, chippy needs more customers. He will not stop smiling. Depending on how this game goes… That could get… Old.

They are having difficulty finding fox on I was almost sad. But chippy is all over it. So my drama is reserved for josh. They keep showing clips of papelpoo. I am nervous. What IS four square? Should I be on four square? Guy won’t leave me alone.
They do not have napkin dispensers here. Clever.
Oh! This is the first intro I have seen in 2012 and it is weird with bobby v. And what is that? Why does “the prince” get his own clip? And why is fat tire four dollars? These questions shall plague my dreams. Why yes, four square guy! I would love a shot! What is Tuaca? I don’t know if I like Tuaca…. I shall dub four square guy Poopsy. And we shall be friends. I shall pretend to be interested in your boring golf game. You know. During commercials. Chippy! Keep them coming.

4:05. No. I do not like Tuaca.

4:06. There is no sound in this bar.

Apparently, golf is a big deal.

Hi, jacoby.
Fister is a name that lends itself to some swell puns. Leave your fav fister pun in the comments- best one nets a video blog shout out.

It is okay, jacoby. Well, you know. Not really, but I don’t know anyone here and am trying to behave. While I try to behave, why don’t you try to play baseball?

Hi, Dustin. Oh.
Hi, a-Gonz. I hope you learned to run during your spring training. You know. And hit. Let me clarify- and basehit.
Hi, josh. Pay attention. It looks like none of our hitters feel like playing.
Gonz, please do not- do that. Whatever. I am fine. I have beer. And Tuaca.

It is 4:11. A hot guy just sat down. Please do not be a verlafreak! Oh my fisk, two hot guys. I am surrounded by hotness. Raleigh is swell.

Of course, I cannot appreciate them right now. Josh needs me, see. Go away, poopsie. I have real prey now.

4:15. Clearly, when I hit on hot collared shirt boys, josh loses focus. For the good of the nation, I need to hold it in. Sorry, guys. That was my bad.

Josh, I forgot how all your games take seven hours.

Out. Lovely. It is 4:18 and I am already belligerent.

4:21. 2-0, defrickingtroit. I blame the Tuaca. Josh. I do not know why you are acting out. But this temper tantrum is making me think about… Damn.

I still do not think price is worth a billion dollars.

You know. Tuaca is not that bad.

Hi, papi. 4:26. I knew you would save us. With wake gone, he is like oldie mcolderson, and he is still the only one playing fricking baseball. Silence! My husband is batting. We are going to name our kids after islands. I have decided. Do this for future little Islamorada!

Did you see prince try to molest papi just then? That happened.

Damnit. Who broke youkiepoo? Seriously. We shall talk about it in marriage counseling.

I love this Ryan Sweeney guy. Partially because he and papi are the only members of the we-give-a-frick alliance.

See? Kid knows how to get on base. I am sure your name will come up in therapy.
Cody, I want to like you because you have a nice smile, but what you just did is unlikeable. Tuaca? Yes, please.

Wow. I just checked stats, and there is a crazy amount of people watching and not commenting. That sure is creepy…

4:36- peralta, I do not like you.

I think I alienated hot guy. But peralta is out, so there is a balance in the world.

Out.
Beckett, I love you, but you kill me inside, sometimes.

Now if you could win, I chalk this day into the yay category…

I knew salty was going to do that. I am psychic. And the those-who-give-a-frick club gains a member…

Not that it matters, because we are out again, but I am glad the those-who-give-a-frick club is still around. I worried when its only member, jacoby, quit Thursday.
4:47.

Bobby v, I do not know what you are saying, but I hope it is an apology.

Hi, josh. Bottom of third.

Andrew, I am very insightful. And I can multitask. I do not know if josh Beckett can…

It takes josh beckett a thousand minutes to throw a pitch. And I would be okay with that if the score was cleaner.
Pop out. Lovely. You do listen.

FDA- the bruins need you less than josh Beckett, clearly.
And do not tell josh Beckett he sucks. He is very vulnerable and- and THAT is why we are losing. Because of your attitude, FDA! Quick! Clap your hands like in Peter pan!
Hi, Bruce.

FDA, I told the boy that Avril makes me think of the red sox. He does not get me.
Speaking if not getting me… Hi, Gonz.
Holy crap. You did something. You… Ran. You…
Wow. You … Joined the club…

Maybe he was running FROM something. Did anyone see a bee?

5:02. Kevin Youkilis and I have been fighting a lot. Not to name any names (JULIE), but I am sure he is distracted.

He never did this before Julie. Just saying…

Hi, Ryan Sweeney.

They flashed to a home run in the giants’ game, and for a brief, shining moment, I thought it was ours…
Hi, Ryan. Can I call you Ry?
Wow. Apparently not.

5:06 Commenter Andrew JUST called me shallow. Apparently, A just started paying attention…

Kevin Youkilis is having problems. But problems can be solved, see . Remember when Papi was slumpy?

FDA, it is not my fault you are not at a bar with multiple tvs.

And the red sox are worse at scoring than the bruins and neeeeeed you.

I love Ryan Sweeney. We would have pretty children and they would alllll get on base.

Flying out is not an expression of love, Ryan Sweeney.

5:15. What a stupid game. What a stupid prince fielder. What the frick are you looking at, chippy?

3-0, 4th. At least bobby v is carrying on the great sox tradition of keeping destructive pitchers in forever.

5-0. Alex fricking Avila. This is like eating rocks.

Well. There went my last fingernail. I shall add it to your tab, bobby v.

Shhh! FDA! He will hear you and find a way to suck MORE.

Maybe we should star Daniel bard. What the frick ever. Maybe we could let Ryan Sweeney pitch? Why the frick not. Hey, tek, you found another job yet? How is your pitching arm? Do you think if we got Timlin to call Pedro? Hell, teach me the knuckleball. At least I will look contrite when I suck, BECKETT.

That is okay, FDA. You can read the suckage on here and I can filter it for you.

TooSoxy- wades through the poo so you don’t have too! Catchy new motto?

5:26. Tuaca and I just had a conversation, and I sure feel better. Salty is batting. I hope there are enough innings left for him and Sweeney and ortiz to score six runs…

It is not fair. It is like Detroit against like, three people.
Maybe we should hold open tryouts on the streets if Boston? If it works out, it will sure be a swell movie. I would cast Kenneth Branagh because everything is better with Kenneth Branagh. You know, like cheese.

5:34. Bottom of five. There is a girl wearing rabbit ears. Is there a rabbit holiday I do not know about?

Oh. Easter. Right. Thanks, chippy.
I don’t think Jesus would approve of that skirt…
There are a lot of hockey people here, and not Boston fans.
This game hurts. I feel like I am using sandpaper as a throat lozenge.

5:39. Why???
Let me clarify. Why is josh still on the mound? Why? Double. And then peralta. Who I do not like. Josh, apparently, is a fan… It is 6-0. And I do not want to talk about it.

Fricktastic. Another home run. 7-0. And don’t you worry. Bobby v is totally content to keep josh on the mound.

There is clearly something wrong. Josh is now just rolling balls toward the fence. Bottom of five, and we cab’t even catch balks at first.
Oh. NOW bobby wants to talk.
NOW he does.
Pitcher switch.

5:46. I figure out why all the canes fans are here. It is like cane night or something and the Carolina hurricanes’ mascot will be here in a few. Maybe the giant muppet can communicate with bobby v.

Bright side. Bright side. Um…

Oh! Here’s one! At least john lackey isn’t… Um…
At least the game is on silent.

Andrew- at least we have had four players hit the ball. I cannot say anything good about April pitching…

5:50. Seriously. What the fudge is wrong with jacoby?! Who fed him chicken? Was it you, josh?

Pedroia! What did you just do to yourself? Oh, the drama. I was a lot happier last week.

I cannot be around canes fans. I went to a game this week! What more do you want, north Carolina?

And chippy keeps grinning. Would I get kicked out if I threw my salad?

5:55. Gonz. I mean, it is not going to make a difference . We are down by seven. Futility is usually where you thrive…
See? I am glad you learned to run… Um.. Jog in a breathy way.
Not that it mattered… Papi out. Sigh.

I think the guy next to me oiled his tattoo. It is icky. But less icky than this game.

The canes cheerleaders are here. I feel crowded. Shouldn’t they be, like, with the tricking canes?
Andy dirks just had a pretty strike against .. Oh. And a hit. Of course. D’accord.
Yes. Please. Load the bases. Why not? Is it just this tv, or has bobby v been experimenting with spray tan? Perhaps your time would be better served in the practice field.
8-0, for those of you not already vomiting.

Atchison, it is nice that you want to emulate Beckett, but can you emulate him from a few years ago? Thanks.

They are passing our canes shirts to everyone but me and it is infuriating. Maybe I want a canes shirt.
I DO want a canes shirt.

I could very much use something soft to throw at the tv…
Maybe I will wrap a ketchup bottle in it and throw it a a canes fan.

Seriously- what is wrong with youkie (who iPhone spell check wants to call Toulouse)? Guess in the comments because I am concerned and out of ideas.

And Sweeney makes first because he CARES about his job.

6:11. I want to like you, Cody. But I do not have a lot of love in my heart today.

And Cody hurls a bat at the mound. Not a ball. A bat. At least something is leaving home plate…

It will be fine. Salty is here, and he us wearing his curly miracle hair. It is the top of the 7, when miracles can happen.

Maybe wake could come back?

Okay, salt.

That is not okay, salt. I sure have had a lot of Tuaca.

6:17. Cabrera’s face bruise is the best part of this inning.

Is it just me, or does youk look skinnier? That’s the problem…

I hate your sunglasses, prince fielder. And your eyes are closed in your photo. You would think that, with a billion dollars, you could afford a better picture.
Bottom of the seventh. Michael ilitch looks like a labyrinth troll. Jim Henson definitely digs your face.

Albers just tried to kill prince fielder.

I mean… At least he is being proactive…. Demon just knocked one and now there are two verlafreaks on base. Oh good. Make that three. Savor this 8-0 score, guys.
Oh. Would have been a double play. But. You know. Wasn’t. Because my husband is broken. I blame Tom Brady for having sisters. 9-0.

6:27. But time does not matter now. We are beyond such trivial constraints amid the magnitude of failure. We are bringing out Thomas. Why not? Verlafreaks on first and third. Two outs. Perfect opportunity for a massive wave if vomitsuck.

See? A tide of vomitsuck. 10-0. Oh look. A shithawk. Not used to seeing them this far out at sea.

FDA. You are lucky that you have a remote. And Chinese food.

I hope they do not feed josh Beckett. He has not earned his pellets today.

Why us this happening to us, FDA?

There is a tide in the affairs of men….

It is 6:33. And this Chevy commercial is better than this game.

6:36. We can totally do this! We just need to believe!

6:38. Well. That shot wore off quickly.

6:37. You know what? This isn’t happening. It is just a mistake. And one game. And so not a big deal.

6:39. DAMNIT, Beckett! What the frick?! I will never trust you again you fudging-

6:40- pedroia! On a base! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Gonz, if you could just get us on the board, I will have your children. Right here. In the bar.

6:44. I want to cry.

Oh. McDonald. Sure. Why not? Hi, Bowden.

6:48. Whatever. We are going to lose.

6:50. ………………

6:52. Chippy just told me to turn my frown upside down, guys.

…….

Shoppach.
Blah.

…Shoppach is on a base….

One out for eleven runs. Sure. Sweeney is on it…

And Sweeney is on a base because Sweeney wants to win. What about you, Cody? Do you want to win?

10-0. Final. Bah.

—

It is 11:30. I have had time to reflect. And I feel better. I do. I have decided to concentrate on Ryan Sweeney, David Ortiz, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and (god help me) Adrian Gonzalez.

And ignore (for today) everyone else. Especially you, Josh Beckett. I am ignoring you the most.

Video up tomorrow! Stay tuned.

~L