THE Opening Day. 2012.
Holy frick. It’s today.
Check back for updates. And feel free to pop in for panicky comments all day.
Not that anyone is panicking.
WHY would we panic?
THERE’S NO PANICKING HERE.
8:50 a.m.- Oh my God, you guys… Jason Varitek…
He’s really not here…
9:20. On my way to work, I saw a rainbow. It’s like Jason is always watching us….
9:25. Clearly, nothing is getting done today. A-Gonz just tweeted about catching a cab. He has an iPhone, making him that much cooler.
9:38. That Titanic song keeps playing. Yeah, I know the bazillionth anniversary is coming up… But I kind of think they are playing it for us.
I mean, it’s exactly what happened last year. Except less nudity (unless I missed that part of chickengate). But exactly. Allow me to explain.
Okay. Titanic. It was said to be the biggest. The best. The niftiest.
Okay. The 2011 Sox. They were said to be the biggest. The best. The niftiest. Both movies seemed to last for fricking ever, right?
Until, rising out of the ocean in true, menacing fashion, came a giant can of b- Um… An iceberg….
Splat. But, see, WE, dears, are Kate Winslet. Sure it was cold. Sure our lips turned blue. But we survived, damnit. And rode a horse. And got married. And drowned a necklace. Because WE don’t let go. Unless. Um. It’s a necklace.
WE keep coming back for more, damnit. That movie is about us. Crap. Work.
9:50. I hate you, Dan Shaughnessy.
10:38. Well, that remarkable productivity streak is over.
10:45. Just read there are still a bazillion seats left at the mets’ opener. Sad.
Speaking of sad, on iPhone, can’t link… But look on Deadspin for an article entitled “Here’s Terry Francona And Bud Selig Arguing Over Who Finished Each Other Off.”
Did I say sad? I meant awkward.
11:53. CK, I am glad you are here with me. We are battling the forces of darkness. I think a Detroit fan is going to lunch break with me. It is going to get real.
12:09. I am starting to do that thing at work where I yell all my answers because I am stressed out.
“No, Chris. I do not have a fricking post-it. Do I look like a fricking postit queen??”
12:15. Well, at least I don’t have to watch orioles recaps in the newsroom…. I need something to throw at Detroit guy. Like this highlighter.
12:20. I am a liar, CK. I just said I couldn’t slate an interview for 2 because I am already booked. Of course, if you think about it, I am booked. WITH destiny.
Ohno. Our custodian looks like CC Sabathia. And our carpet has stripes on it. These things are portents!
12:22 bre CK’s Youk comment: You can see him? Is he mouthing anything to the camera? We have this secret love code, see…
12:30. I have subtly attached the MLB screen to the corner of my computer. No one will know!
I am in fricking North Carolina!
Okay, guys. Let’s think. I need an exit strategy….
12:33. I could just walk out. I am a reporter. I go on interviews. I go on important interviews. They would never know…
12:40. Just spent the last five trying to convince a source that the best place to talk would be the village draft house.
12:45 it amazes me, how opening day brings people together.
12:51. Is going to miss the first pitch. For the first time in an ever. If this is growing up, I want to Peter Pan it.
12:59. Buahahahaha… Found an unlikely ally AND the office tv. It is about to get real. Hi, Jon. Hi. Comeon, guys. Do it for tek. Do it for wake. Do it for ME.
1:02. Detroit, why so many empty seats?
1:03. Is it just me, or does the weather miss Tek too?
1:04. I have to stand up. Ohmygodstressful.
1:06. We are putting way too much on this first pitch. Or maybe not enough. We nail it, they shut up. At least for now. We don’t? Eh. Just the first pitch. I don’t know. I am hardly even watching. I don’t care. I miss my fingernails. Damnit, guys. Hurry up and pitch. It is like a flu shot. The anticipation is worse and then… Um… Actually, flu shots hurt a lot. I had a flu shot once. It hurt. And I am iPhone rambling again to distract from the fact that the stress is really fricking distracting. And it is a strike. But is is just the first pitch. Did that look outside to you? Remember when you stole home, jacoby? I am not asking for anything that dramatic. Just first base. Strike two!? Am I pressuring you? Is this too much pressure for you to- out. Out? Out. I need a moment.
Okay. 1:12. Hardly an out, really. Just the first inning. Nothing to be worr- and pedroia is out. Hmmm.
And Gonz is batting.
And is, of course, out. 1, 2, 3. Hmmm.
1:20. Whatever. This is the real start- as we prep the Lesternator for some lestering. You don’t want to get lestered, let me tell you.
We are fine. Everyone knows that the first half of the inning is the demo half. A false sense of security … That’s all. So these detroitians can feel safe in their stupid parkas. You don’t need parkas in Raleigh, FYI. It is never cold here.
WHY is this happening? Who the HELL gave Lester chicken? Was it YOU, Gonz?
It doesn’t matter. I do not even care. Like water off a duck’s back, it is.
1:24. See? That’s why I am able to keep such a calm and mature demeanor. Double for Papi. Which is more fun than a double from anyone else. You know. On account of the haters.
It is okay that you ate out, Youkie, because Papi has compensated for you. But just this once. Ryan Sweeney, our friendship depends a lot on this moment. I picked you for my fantasy team and let’s just say you were not all that popular.
It is 1:27. I can go to a lunch bar… Um lunch break soon.
We are done, Ryan. Done. Um. I didn’t mean that totally. I just get. Um. Upset. Ask Youk. He will explain how I work.
I like you, Cody. You just look so happy. So cheery. So- strike? You fricking kidding me? Okay…. Balls are okay….
Salty is on deck- and, I have said this before, this will be salty’s year. He is going go through a jacobian metamorphosis in badass.
Hi, Cody. It sure takes you awhile. Which is fine as long as you- don’t do that….
1:33. Observation. Youkie is a badass. The pedroyouk monster’s double play in the second and the paptastic hit make me smile. Concerns- a-Gonz. Looks like September Gonz is coming out to play…
1:35. Prince Fielder, I am curious about you. Lester must be too, because he is dragging this out with balls. And a hit. But just a single. I am not that impressed with you, prince. That is a lot of cash for such a short trek.
Get it together, Lester.
1:38. CK, I am glad we are not alone. This would be where, in toosoxy, the musical, I would sing you a ballad. Did you know most of my subscribers are in ny and Cleveland? They like to watch me cry. There will be no crying today!
1:42. I have picked salty as underdog to watch in 2012…. Don’t tell him. That is a lot of pressure. I like your hair, salty. That was a bullshit strike. Just saying. Is angel umping? Strikeout. Um. Whatever. Hardly … Um…. Anyone saw that…
1:45. I find you uninspiring, Mike Aviles.
1:47. 2 outs. Jacoby is pretending he is in a coed jr high softball league. How very politically correct of him. Three outs.
1:50. Lester is playing with his food.
Damnit, Lester! Peralta is on fricking first. Which is fricking fine. No one fricking cares. Because Lester’s about to give AA an intervention (get it?). Maybe no one told Lester he is no longer in ft Myers. As long as you keep him away from the chicken… And the bad pitches!!!
This is because we, you and I, ck, aren’t getting enough support, see. I blame America and parka fear.
1:55. We are only in the 3rd inning. This is going to be a forever game. Santiago is batting and Lester looks confused.
Now Jackson is batting… Does Lester look confused to you? Why are you sweating? Still no score……….
I am going to score lunch in a minute. At a bar. Ouuuuutttttttttt.
2:03. Pedroia, Gonz, Papi. I trust TWO of you.
Seriously. I want to trust the new(er) guys. I do. But you have to EARN it. You know. By like, running to bases and stuff.
2:06. Okay, ck, leaving you in charge- en route to buffalo bros to sort this out. See you in a sec.
2:23. Ryan Sweeney is my best friend. At bar. With people. It. Is. On.
I like watching games with off duty sports reporters.
2:29. It is okay, Lester. Now that I have been beer charged, you get some slack.
I said -some- slack! Stop abusing the privilege of slack!
Swing the fricking bar and take it, buddy. This is taking forever. Even Jason, tiger fan, think this is slow.
Alex Avila looks like a fat mike Lowell.
Out. Finally. But two on base and I am most distressed.
Top of 6.
2:59 And, oh, how the tables have turned…
Btw- Miguel is way dramatic.
Speaking of dramatic, there is a lot of Youk anger in here after that strikeout.
3pm- Jason is most excited about prince. I am slightly distressed over the bardesque stress reaction Lester is showing…. And prince is down. Hah.
3:07 my Raleigh friends are debating tito’s health and saying he should have taken last year off… I take issue with that. What a long game.
3:17. Inconsistency is today’s watchword. Hi, Lester. Mike Lowell wannabe is up. What a pretty strike. That fire song by Adele is playing, and u think it is appropriate, don’t you? If you could give this game a theme song- what would your choice be?
No Avril for us, bitches.
This restaurant is weird. My sandwich was bad.
Damnit. Well, corner pocket. That is the game….
Stupid baseball. I did not have this stress in my life yesterday…. 1-0. Sigh. De-fricking-troit.
3:30. I do not know what Tito said, but they laughed just now. Laughter is encouraging… Right? I feel… Um… A little better. It will be fiiiiiine. There are some pretty people at this bar.
Golf is stupid.
3:34. Um. I need another minute.
Apparently vincente needs a minute too. Are you watching this bullshit?
I was expecting badass cruelty. You know. Like in your mug shot, vincente. You have crazy, evil, demon eyes. Live up to them with some crazy, evil, demon pitches! What. The. Frick.
Good. They put vincente back in his containment unit.
Morales. At least look like you care. Just pretend. For me. For America.
What the fudge? Where is Aceves? Why the frick are we sending in the fudging b squad? 2-0.
I am missing phone calls at work for you fudgers!
3:45. He is on my fantasy team too, newyorkrunner… Sigh.
I just don’t understand. We need momentum. First game. And bobby v is b squad bullpenning us.
Okay. I am fine. We are fine. Because pedroia is here and…. And he shall fix it. He shall fix it all.
Jason says I have too much hate energy and that I will burn out. He has no idea.
3:55. It is up to Youk. It is 2-1. And we can do this. Like the engine. The one that could. Top of nine. Come on, baby. That was an assassination attempt. Did you see that?
And mcd is next, so we only have one shot at this and- strikeout. Strikeout? I am so sad.
Oh! It is Ryan Sweeney? My new bestie? Oh, please……. Please, please, please. With cherries.
I love you. So much. It. Hurts. 2-2.
The conundrum is… I shall have to go back to work soon…
4:16. Alfredo! Please?! I am so late to work. And I have a canes hockey ticket for tonight… So I am busy. End this quickly.
I am very upset. Check back tonight. I am too… I am upset right now.