Home > Uncategorized > Mulder says we should believe in you, Dice-K. But I have been hurt before.

Mulder says we should believe in you, Dice-K. But I have been hurt before.

Happy Jon Lester day, everybody! Sorry, just practicing. That’s right! The most Lesterish of all the lefties is primed to attack opening day.You’re watching, right? Because apparently Lester’s father won’t be.  And that’s a shame, because Lester’s  a special, special guy, and I’m sure he’s sorry about Soxplosion, 2011. I’m sure he’s sorry and that I’ll be getting my apology letter any day now.

I’m expecting one from you too, DOUBRONT. I hate to judge games I didn’t physically watch… but REALLY? REALLY, FELIX?

They were saying NICE things about you. Remember that? Remember THIS?

And you go Lackey on us against the fricking Twins?

And I didn’t forget about YOU, Melancon. I’m just… I can’t… I WILL GET TO YOU LATER. What really frightens me about you, Melancon? Is that Bobby V doesn’t seem to think you are horrible.

“Melancon outing? I thought he backed up the bases pretty well. He had that down,” said Valentine when asked about the reliever…

It absolutely fills me with a cold, hollow, trapped-in-a-well kind of fear when the managers think Lackey-esque performances back up bases “pretty well.” We saw it with Francona and Lackey. We saw it with Francona and Timlin. Need I remind anyone of a man named Lugo? Nearsightedness is a part of the aging process, Bobby V. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just recognize it now and get some cool specs by April, k? They make prescription sunglasses and you could probably even get a fake nose and mustache for them.

Bobby V says he’s going to “sit down” and have a serious conversation about pitching. Um. Okay. Sure. I mean, I would have had that sit down, serious conversation about pitching while forming my rotation. You know. DURING THE OFFSEASON. But sure, with what,  TWO FRICKING WEEKS to go before Opening Day? Sure. Let’s all just SIT DOWN now. You sure you don’t want to wait two weeks? Maybe discuss it over CHICKEN?

I’m okay. I’m okay. Totally over September. TOTALLY OVER IT.

I have said it before. I shall say it again. Right. Now. Aceves for rotation. Do it, Bobby V. DO IT.  It’s not like we can…

Wait… what… wh… oh my God you guys… Could it… is it… DON’T TOY WITH ME, BOBBY. I have been hurt before. What’s that? Shining in the distance?

Oh hope, you calculating mistress… teasing us in the form of a…

This is exactly like that early 90s cult classic, “the X-Files,” available now on Netflix.

Allow me to explain.

See, for those of you who were like, seven when this came out with mean parents who didn’t let you watch the X-Files because of “graphic content” and nightmares and stuff (and you don’t have Netflix. Because, if you  have Netflix, I’m sure you’re already a “believer”), the X-files is about these two FBI agents. There’s a skeptic. Her name is Scully. She’s not relevant to my rambly metaphor. But I like her hair. And then there’s Mulder. See, Mulder, really WANTS TO BELIEVE in things like extraterrestrials and scifi stuff and an afterlife, right, because it gives his life’s mission purpose. It means there’s something out there that means something, see? Oh, and that his sister isn’t dead. But you can get a full explanation on that sideplot from wikipedia.

“I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us…”


Dice-K, I WANT TO BELIEVE in you, because that gives the 80 katrillion dollars and 17 gallons of tears I have shed for you a purpose. But I need evidence.

Much in the same way that, in season 2 of X-Files, Mulder needs EVIDENCE to continue his quest.

Can you tell what I was doing before I made Raleigh friends?

So see, Dice-K. You’re the aliens. We want to believe in you. But you’ve got to stop abducting people and just have a nationally televised conversation. And. You know. Pitch.

What do you think, Soxies? Do you believe in Dice-K? Or do you think we’re alone in the universe?

In other news, the media is really sorry about all that chicken sh#$ (see what I did there?) they spread in September and they’re trying to apologize by over compensating Lavarnway style. I appreciate the attempt to keep my cries of “VARITEK! WHYYYYY” at a minimum. But, seriously, Boston Globe. You don’t have to pander to me. All I need is time.

Some encouraging words about Jose… I mean, we didn’t win. But, apparently, he caught a cool ball. So that’s nice.

Oh, and the media, so astute they are, have decided to tell us all that Bobby V is not Terry Francona. Thanks, Yahoo Sports. What would I do without you in my life? I get you mixed up too, media. Like, just the other day, I was like, Why, Hello, Anderson Cooper! What are YOU doing in the booth? And then I realized it was Jerry Remy. You make THAT much sense, Yahoo Sports.

In conclusion, today was a sucky Red Sox day. Except for the bit about Lesterness.

So, comment, nation. Comment away. Doubront, or not to Doubront? Dice-K, or not to Dice-K? Aliens, or no aliens? Scully or Mulder?


  1. March 19, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Dice-K Is A Jobber.
    Bobby V Can ONLY Make Things Worse.
    YES, There ARE Aliens.
    Scully… eh… She’s Smart?

  2. March 19, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    Very funny stuff. Your post reads like I am thinking — Worried. Our Sox do not have a starting pitching staff. They have three who have let us down before — badly. And I can’t forget. Because I see our Lesterish friend in Sunday’s game looking okay but throwing way too many pitches. And, you see, I remember how he did that last year all year long. How did that turn out? I see Messrs. Beckett and Buchholz and I think all will be well. But then I see other pitchers – Verlander types, Derek Holland, etc. and the entire Rays pitching staff and I think, what the &$@/? They are a class above what we have. Don’t get me wrong. I love Daniel Bard. Aceves is the coolest crazy man ever. But, they are not James Shields. Or C.J. Wilson. Or Cliff “I love you” Lee. Are they? It’s March 19 and we do not have a 5 man rotation yet. And Pettitte is back. Where have you gone, Tim Wakefield? That cat, Felix, worries me. Worry, worry, worry. Padilla scares me. Please do not televise games when he pitches. He gives me nightmares. He looks in at batters and seems to say, “I want to kill you”. And he might. Dice-k? He is like the grass is always greener way of thinking. I hated watching him pitch. Hated. Now, with the news of his progress, and the support of Bobby V., I’m kind of looking forward to his comeback. Kinda. The grass is always greener syndrome does not apply to Lackey. It just does not. No need to explain, right?
    So, I’m with you, Soxy. We are both in the same place. Worry. Worry. Worry. 16 days. I’m not sure I can make it.

  3. March 19, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    The world ,including Ben and Larry knew going into the “Fort” that our pitching could not match up !
    Now we play the cards dealt.
    Bard is NOT starting material.
    Aceves is too valuable in and out of the “pen” to slot in # 4 or 5
    Doubrount does not need to be on the 40 man-even if he is a lefty
    Michael Bowden is our # 4
    Toss a coin for # 5

  4. mhasegawa
    March 20, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Bobby V. just rubs me the wrong way. Don’t like him. But maybe he can speak Japanese to Dice and it will be a better season. And I’m all over Beckett. Maybe we can trade Lackey after his surgery….

    I’m with everyone: no pitching.

  5. March 20, 2012 at 8:17 am

    The Red Sox rotation certainly has questions around it, but they’re opening the year without Lackey. Any team that doesn’t run him out every fifth day has a great chance to win that game.

    Also, Go Jays.

  6. March 20, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Obviously, there’s a LOT going on here in Red Sox Nation. A little bit of trepidation perhaps? I can’t wait to see if the Japanese connection has any effect on Dice-K. And I really can’t wait to see how the chicken and beer rotation handles Bobby V, Clubhouse Cop.

  7. FireDannyAinge
    March 20, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    The only Mulder I could come up with after reading the headline before I read the blog was Mark Mulder. I was like, what the hell does he care about Dice K for .lol


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