Roy Oswalt might not be INTERESTED in us? Are we not pretty enough for you, Roy? Because I’m pretty enough for all of you.
So much news to report when you’re avoiding your own life-altering decisions! Now they’re saying Roy Oswalt has been made an offer. So, um, does this mean we could have the handy-dandy Oswalt-Jackson combo of badassery? Because I’m good at math see. And TWO is always better than ONE.
The Sox have made Oswalt an offer, according to CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman, but it’s reportedly unclear whether he’s interested in joining the team.
Seriously? YOU could be rejecting US? You realize that our management has rejected… um… almost everyone BUT you, right?
Wait… wait, wait… rejecting us for… Cincinnati???? Seriously?
See, this is kind of a big deal, Roy Oswalt. You could be… um… the ONLY big move we’ve made um… ALL OFFSEASON.
Reject us. Hah.
I’ll show you rejection. I’ll reject your rejection, you mess with me.
I’m going to wikipedia you. I’m going to wikipedia you hard, Roy Oswalt.
Oswalt is known as one of the faster workers in baseball in terms of time between pitches. Despite his small frame, he is one of baseball’s hardest hurlers, and frequently appears among the league leaders in innings pitched.
Oswalt throws four primary pitches. His fastball is consistently between 92 miles per hour (148 km/h) and 94 miles per hour (151 km/h), occasionally touching 95 miles per hour (153 km/h) to 97 miles per hour (156 km/h); he throws a high percentage of fastballs and is known to be very aggressive, at times throwing multiple fastballs in a row into the strike zone. He throws an overhand curveball at a speed of approximately 70 miles per hour (110 km/h) that is thrown with three fingers over the seams. Oswalt also throws a Vulcan changeup in the low 80s, which he added to his repertoire during the 2010 offseason, and a slider in the mid-80s.
What the frick is a Vulcan changeup?
You won a gold medal. That’s neat. Um. Okay.
Wikipedia, you seriously need to work on putting more personal information on baseball players on your website. How can I ridicule Oswalt into accepting our offer if I don’t know his character weaknesses and dating history????
Your pitching flaw, at least, is evident.
Oswalt is currently considered to be among the elite pitchers in the National League.
The NATIONAL League. Yeah. That kind of doesn’t count, Roy Oswalt. The ALE is a whole different ballgame. Esp now. Hmmm. I don’t blame you for the wide-eyed fear you probably feel. But you’ll like Boston, Roy. You really will. I mean, I’m not in Boston, a flaw with the city that haunts Kevin Youkilis to this day, but there are other neat things. Like bars. And your new teammates like beer, apparently, so you’ll never Happy Hour alone. Oh! And Boston is the setting of Cheers, like, the greatest show of all time. So you’ll always have Ted Danson. And you could jog along the Cape with a puppy and pretend you’re a Kennedy. See? So many great things about Boston. And there’s, apparently, a Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and maybe you’d get to meet Mitt Romney.
Now that I have swayed you, you should really call Benny C back asap. Before he goes bargain binning and gets like seven more mediocre versions of you. Because he’ll do it. Just ask Jed Lowrie.
And I know how difficult this is, Roy. I have a lucrative job offer on the table too. I get it. But, see, it doesn’t get any better than Boston. Just ask David Ortiz.