Home > Uncategorized > Alfonso Soriano, alas, we’d hardly heard of ye.

Alfonso Soriano, alas, we’d hardly heard of ye.

It's a shame, really. We need more players who can fly.

Alfonso Soriano, the Globe reports, is NOT bound for Boston. Why is this bloggable news? Well, I’ll tell you.

I’m cooped up in the condo after “over-exerting” my crutches-bound-self yesterday, bored as HELL, and NO ONE. NO ONE will bring me ice cream. It’s kind of ridiculous. And these people call themselves my friends! Hah! “No, sorry, Lauren. We have to work.” WORK. BAH. Some of us can’t WALK. Much less work. Brag about your functional limbs, why don’t you? Jackasses. Jackasses every one.

Kill it! Kill it now!

When the initial shock fades of, you know, imploding your ankle, the other injuries start to surface. Like, let’s say you slid down a flight of stairs into a wall. Clearly, your ankle isn’t the only thing you made purple. But you’re so busy concentrating on your ankle, you don’t notice the tiger striped bruising all over your back. Not right away.

I notice now.

I am SO bored, America. And limited by the many, many stairs in my apartment. And the fact that I can’t move! I have to cover something at 3 p.m., regardless. So stairs, you WILL be my bitch.


I went out last night. Which was idiotic. And some guy had to carry me to my car. And I had parked at the courthouse. Because that’s what you do in Boone. And a friend drove by and thought I was, how did he put it? Oh, “in the drunk tank.” It was interesting.

And I know you’re really glad I shared that with you.

So. Alfonso Soriano…

Epstein is trying to gut the Cubs from all of their bad contracts and start anew, and has been willing to eat a lot of money to do so.

His next order of business is to find a place for outfielder Alfonso Soriano. But it won’t be the Red Sox. They are not interested, according to a major league source.

I miss you, Theo.

But I have this little question. WHY THE FRICK DIDN’T YOU GUT THE SOX WHEN YOU WERE OUR GM, Huh? Why did we have to watch Lugo OVER and OVER and OVER again???? Why-oh-why-oh-why did we not sell John Lackey for parts when he was kind of HEALTHY????

And don’t get me STARTED on Delcarmen.

In other I’m-Still-Trapped-Here-and-Bored-with-Netflix news… Matt Garza is expensive.

And Danny Duquette is playing with dirt.

So. Um. Anyone got any good stories? Any good knockknock jokes? Want to bring me ice cream?

Oh, and remember that job interview I had where they basically said I was pretty and had a great personality but wasn’t “intellectual” enough for the job? Apparently, my badass package (filled with examples of my intellect, FYI) impressed them and they called me back! So, if I can ever get down these stairs, I have a meeting with the publisher a week from today.



Seriously. Anyone like online scrabble?

My everything hurts.

  1. January 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I would bring you ice cream if I were anywhere close to you. And, no. I assure you. Boston does NOT want Alfonso Sorry-ano. We had him in Texas. Boston. Does. Not. Want. Him. No one should want him. (Notice how, even though he is flying in that picture, he is NOT catching the ball?)

    I hope you get better really soon. And i hope you get some real friends.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    January 6, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    I’ve got a friend like your friends Lauren. She borrows money from me like I am a bank but the other day my back was killing me so I asked for a ride home and she said she couldn’t. Too much trafiic.(I am a 10 minute car ride from work)

    Now I call her an ex friend and all the hints she through at me the otehr day when she had no money for lunch were ignored. Pay backs a bitch.

    No ex Yankees. PERIOD. We have one already him and liking him (a lot) actually makes me feel icky inside.

  3. January 7, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Jeff’s first sentence in his comments were exactly what I was going to say. Broken ankle. Ugh. On the bright side, more time to blog! Yay! I won’t make you even more upset by saying I’ve never broken anything before. Oops. Too late. I’m sorry. By the way, what’s the weather like in North Carolina?

  4. January 7, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Soriano? Really? Soriano?

    You must have bruised your brain when you fell down go boom.

    All he can do is DH and not nearly as well as Big Papi or Youk. I’d rather have Carlos Pena for that.

    Just say No to Alfonso.

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