Tek will save us from the Snownados. Tek will save us all.
Snow. Youkilis. And Tek. But there’s so much snow, guys. SO. MUCH. SNOW. It’s 11 degrees. ELEVEN. That’s significant, Spinal Tap fans. So I’m distracted. Bear with me. You know. Polar bears have a lot of fur. I need a new electric blanket. Or an electric coat. Do they have electric coats?
My thoughts on life today can best be expressed in this clip from Gilmore Girls. That’s right. Gilmore Girls.
There are SNOWNADOS. Did you know that?
They come at you with a frigid, frigid cruelty. Barreling at your car and making you cry on the way to work.
I fishtailed ALLLLLLL the way to work today in a 2009, hatchback version of this.
I hate snow so much that I updated the “about me” page to reflect this intense, intense sensation.
I hate snow. And I hate snow drivers.
The geniuses that the North Carolina mountains produce decided it would be a good idea to keep passing on my left. I mean, I 360-ed twice. But sure. I’m sure I’ll miss you, giant jackass SUV with your stupid 4wd and your stupid, stupid, stupid snow tires.
That’s just showing OFF.
The Chevy that can’t is begggggging me not to move to Mass. And I think God is concurring, what with his snow vomit of discouragement. Seriously. It’s been snow vomiting alllllll day. And I have to drive 15 mile to get home. And I hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate-hate weather.
So I’m sitting here, at the office my boss encouraged me to leave (because all of a sudden we’re concerned about my safety. Can’t afford orange traffic vests, folks.)
Procrastinating. I think I just saw Mrs. Gulch fly by. She sure looks cold.
I need a coat with a zipper.
Oh! And boots.
I had an accident with my yak tracks today. I don’t want to talk about it.
In Red Sox news, I am not the only one who appreciates Kevin Youkilis today. Take time out of your snowy schedules to read these wise, wise, wise words posted on redsox.com today.
When Youkilis is healthy, he might be the most valuable piece in Boston’s batting order. He wears down pitchers and also comes up with substantial production. I’ve heard Youkilis is having a very good winter of training, and the hope is that he can avoid the late-season breakdowns of the past two years. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Red Sox missed the postseason both years that Youkilis missed signficant time late in the season.
I took the liberty of bolding the important part for you.
Doesn’t sound like trade fodder to me, naysayers.
Oh god… the snow just made a noise. Seriously. I heard it through the window.
I think it’s saying my name.
Here’s some news that might melt our troubled, troubled hearts-
VARITEK COULD BE BACKKKKKKK?
(Ohmygod, I heard it again. It. Is. Alive. Ohmygod. I think I saw a snowmonkey. Snowmonkeys aren’t real. They’re not real. They’re not… Oh god, its EYES!!!! Relax, Lauren. Stay cool. Focus on Tek. Tek will protect you…)
Where was I?
Got that, people? JON HEYMAN. H-E-Y-M-A-N.
If Tek does not make a triumphant return, blame Nick Cafardo and JON HEYMAN for your dreams crushing.
(Oh god… it’s snowing harder. Keep typing Lauren! Keep typing! Ward off the frostbite)
Jacoby Ellsbury is getting a raise…
(Oh god… the snownado has a face! It’s looking at me! Oh no! It’s looking at me!)
I’m sorry guys. I can’t keep doing this. There’s something I must do…
If I don’t…
If I don’t…
Just know that…
Well… I always…
You know what? Just make up something clever and tell everyone I said it, k?
We’ll always have Soxsplosion. Here’s looking at you, kid.
This never happens in FLORIDA.
Okay. That was SO not a squirrel.