Home > Uncategorized > Jed Lowrie is gone! Stuff is happening, you guys! It’s like we’re a REAL team!

Jed Lowrie is gone! Stuff is happening, you guys! It’s like we’re a REAL team!

In a move that’s only exciting because, well, it’s the ONLY move we’ve seen so far- everyone’s favorite hypochondriac, Jed Lowrie, is Texas-bound.

As longtime readers know, I can’t stand Jed Lowrie. Also as longtime readers know, I can’t really articulate why.

But when I say I’m okay with this move, I am as okay with this move as I am devastated about the possibility of being captainless. Well. Um. almost.

Oh! Oh! Oh! And Kyle WHINEland. I am sorry. I definitely don’t want to leave you out. Kyle Weiland is gone too!

I’ve been okay with that possibility since September 19, when Kyle Weiland taught us what a Soxsplosion is really all about.

Kyle, you just LOOK ineffective in this photo.

So, what are we getting for this wealth of exported talent?

A new Papelbon! Thanks, Astros.

Okay, Mark Melancon. I don’t know anything about you, but the fact that this is the first image Google spits out-

– doesn’t bode well for us…

Okay, Mark Melancon… you are (were!) an Astro, wikipedia says. You weren’t even on my closer market radar… which is slightly concerning…

He made his major league debut as a relief pitcher against the Boston Red Sox on April 26, 2009, pitching two scoreless innings.


And that’s pretty much all wikipedia has got…


Okay. The Globe has a bit more info

Melancon, a hard-throwing 26-year-old had a 2.78 earned run average and 20 saves in 74.1 innings for Houston last season. He struck out 66 and walked 26.

His numbers suggest he could serve as the departed Jonathan Papelbon’s successor as the Red Sox closer in ’12, though he may also be the first of many pieces added to the bullpen…

Whatever. At least we DID something. Fah-fricking-finally.

And Texas, have fun with Jed. Hope your first aid kit is stocked. Oh, and it’s Ma-lan-son, I’m told.


PS- Someone out there is trying to turn me into a Cub fan. It’s NOT GOING TO WORK, Theo. DO YOU HEAR ME????

Damn it.

  1. December 14, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Didn’t realize the hate toward Lowrie. You must love this deal then. Haha!

    • December 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm

      Think about the $$$ we’ll save, not having to restock our first aid kit every eleven minutes!

  2. December 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    I love this move. Kid is young, throws hard, grew up in the AL East. If he doesn’t pan out we are paying him next to nothing (relatively speaking). The only problem here, Jed and Jacoby are best friends. We don’t want a pouting Jacoby.

  3. FireDannyAinge
    December 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    He had an almost 5 era when he pitched for NY yet the owners are trying to sell him a legit closer because he pitched in the minor league’s AKA the NL.

    These are not moves.

    Oh and Jacoby has one foot out the door.

    I liked Jed but he is always injured.

  4. December 14, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    NO. Jacoby loves us, FDA. Shh. He’ll hear you!

  5. December 16, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I feel sorry for Jed. I’d feel sorry for anyone who got traded to the Lastros. Unless they came from the Evil Empire. Then I would laugh at them.

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