Home > Uncategorized > The Miami Marlins and the baseball prom, starring Rachel Leigh Cook

The Miami Marlins and the baseball prom, starring Rachel Leigh Cook

This OffSeason is EXACTLY like that classic of all classics, “She’s All That,” starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Rachel Leigh Cook.

Allow me to explain.

In today’s metaphor, The part of Rachel Leigh Cook will be played by…

The Miami Marlins.

So. There’s this girl, right. Let’s just call her Florida.

And she’s ANYTHING but “All That.” She’s got glasses, people! Glasses! And everyone knows that in movies like “She’s All That” and “Princess Diaries,” glasses are like two giant eye pimples. And, are apparently the only thing you look at. Don’t act like this is a concept limited to movies. It tricks Lex Luther EVERY TIME.

Anyway, Glasses McPlain walks around in the halls doing deep stuff like painting and poetry and conceptual art (ew, we’re supposed to say! ew!). That is, until she’s noticed by a bunch of jackasses.

Those jackasses decide, just for funsies, to give her a makeover so they can embarrass her at prom.

So, they wipe the fish off her cap, slap it with a shiny (and somewhat ridiculous) M and say, ‘Now your name’s Miami!’

And, armed with her shiny new contacts, all of a sudden, Miami’s “all that” and has a date with Albert Pujols to the prom.

But see, the movie stops with Rachel Leigh Cook and Freddie Prinze Jr. discovering their true love, blahblahblah, glasses don’t matter, we’re all deeper inside than previously anticipated… let’s embark on a teeny stereotype together… blahblahblah, let’s do our next movies based on Scooby Doo or that Pussy Cat band from the Archie comics.

The Marlins didn’t stop with the Prinze. They’re whoring it up allllllllll over MLB. What example is that setting for the CHILDREN, Miami?!

That is NOT how the movie is supposed to end.

And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of standing on the sidelines at prom while Miami has a full dance card. I’m about to go all out Carrie, people.

Don’t these boys KNOW WHO I AM????

So Miami’s got a fancy, schmancy sleek new logo.


It’s contact lenses, people. The INSTANT she gets pinkeye (and they way she’s slutting up the winter meetings, well…), those lenses come off. Those glasses will come back on, and she’ll be Clark Kentified. And then where will you be, Albert Pujols???? Oh. That’s right. In MIAMI.

Now, you all know I’m a Miami girl. True story. Miami-Pinecrest, baby. If I have to pick a NL team, it’s you every day, baby. But I swear to Fisk that if you don’t cut it out, I will make a list of mean Miami puns. Miami girls know a lottttt of Miami jokes. Give me a reason. Just. Give. Me. A. Reason.

It’s our turn to dance. Bobby V. Get moving.

And Pujols, don’t be fooled. Superman’s just Clark Kent in tights, after all. In tights.

You know, this is kind of like “12th Night.” Except less cross dressing.

Can something HAPPEN for the Red Sox already????


PS- OBVIOUSLY, I am kidding. Freddie Prinze Jr.’s BEST, most classic movie? Um. Scooby Doo. Duh. You know, I have often been compared to Daphne. True story. I think it’s my investigative prowess.

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. December 6, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Some times you scare me Soxy!

    I went ahead and started a Beantown Baseball Birthday Blog. Have you ever heard of Tony Horton? He’s today’s featured Red Sox Birthday celebrant.


    • December 6, 2011 at 2:06 pm

      Awesome! That’s a mucccccch better blog idea than Pinstripe Birthdays! And I’m just going to go ahead and filter “scare” into “astound.”

  2. JW
    December 6, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    So, where does Jose Reyes factor into all of this?

  3. ICE
    December 6, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    The Red Sox have a slew of offensive talent, Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, just name a few. I think the singing of Bobby Valentine who make the Red Sox talent shine. (Let’s hope not too much since I am in a Angels’ fun) but shine nonetheless. The Red Sox will be fine, I’m sure it will be a different more positive environment in Bean town this upcoming season.

  4. December 6, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    What a lousy slut that Florida chick! Who does she think she is? She’ll never be Ms. Congeniality so she needs to just shove it and leave my man — er, I mean, Albert alone. And….. SCENE 🙂

  5. FireDannyAinge
    December 6, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    That movie sucked. Prince can’t act and neither can Cooke. At least she is pretty.

    I kind of love the Marlins. Every few years they buy a world series and then they dump the salary.

  6. December 7, 2011 at 9:24 am

    The Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating the financing of the Miami Marlins…oh wait…it’s just the stadium financing that’s being investigated? My bad. With all the offers and contracts they’ve been working, I though the S & E was investigating the whole franchise. Then again…it’s probably a matter of time. As is the trading of most of the players…

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