David Ortiz, a bird on your hat would make you look fat(ter). Just saying…
Dear David Ortiz,
Papi. Can I call you Papi? I’m going to call you Papi. Dear, Papi. Sweet, Papi. Teddy bear. I thought we had something, you and I. I thought it was special. Unique. And then you said you were interested in seeing other people. And I pretended to be okay with that, Papi.
I said I was okay. I pretended to be okay with that, because you were okay with that. I didn’t want to lose you, Papi.
I mean, we didn’t change our Facebook status or anything. And you’re still wearing my jersey. So I didn’t think anything would change, really. And when you were offered salary arbitration, I thought, awesome. Now we can forget that little “seeing other people” conversation ever happened. We can get back to lazy Sundays where you knock ’em out of the park and I drunkenly blog about you, shaking my fist to the sky. We’re good together, right? Great together, even.
At least… I thought so. I thought you thought so too, Papi…
So then, WHY, Papi, do I open my laptop to find THIS in my Google News Alerts?
The free agent is receiving “serious interest” from more than one team, an industry source said today, indicating that Ortiz has more than one offer already. “He has lots of options,” said the source.
I always knew you were a flirt, Papi. I’ve seen the way you look at Toronto. But TEXAS? Really?
The RAYS? The YANKEES?
A casual glance, sure. Eye batting, that’s fine. I do that. Remember that time we were up against Masterson? I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I fantasized about getting a piece of that in my starting lineup.
But TORONTO, TEXAS, TAMPA and that ho of all ho-s… NEW YORK?
You need to think long and hard about this, Papi. Because I’m a one uniform gal. You plaster a bird on your hat and it’s over, Papi. OVER. You hear me? No more Sundays. NO MORE.
It hurts, Papi. It HURTS.
We’re good together, Papi. Great together. I named my puppy, Elliot-May-Precious-Ortiz, after you. You’re the only father figure she has, Papi. Don’t take that away for a slice of Canadian bacon and a cap makeover.
Ortiz posted a .309 batting average, 29 homers and 96 RBIs for the Red Sox in 2011, a season in which he made $12.5 million. It is expected that the salary offer from arbitration would be a few million more than last year’s total.
I know what this is about. Commitment. You want that three-year deal, the baseball equivalent of a ring. But Papi, you don’t know what I’ve been through. I’ve gone through some rocky relationships. There was J.D. Drew. And John Lackey. Commitment, it’s just an extremely difficult conversation. I mean, divorce rates in America are skyrocketing. But we can talk about it, Papi. We can talk about it. Over beer and… are grilled cheese sandwiches okay? I don’t eat chicken.
The Red Sox have negotiated with Ortiz already this offseason and relations are considered good, but the sides agreed that Ortiz wanted to explore the market for awhile. There is mutual interest in Ortiz returning to the Red Sox, and he told the Herald recently that he would likely allow the team an opportunity to match any compelling offer he received.
I hope you mean that, David. The arbitration deadline is Dec. 17. And all I want for Christmas is you. And pinstripes make EVERYONE look fat(ter).
Dear Ben Cherington,
Please consider matching Ortiz’ offers. Please don’t…
Dear Larry Lucchino,
Please don’t take David Ortiz away. Don’t keep him for his AMAZING stats or his STELLAR year or his power hits or his irreplaceable DH-ness.
Keep him for his mascot quality. The cheer he brings to the clubhouse, the memories he holds for fans. Keep him because he is David Ortiz and we are the Red Sox. And then brag about him because he kicks ass.
Feel free to write your own letters in the comments. I think we need as much support as we can get, fan-side.