Home > Uncategorized > David Ortiz, a bird on your hat would make you look fat(ter). Just saying…

David Ortiz, a bird on your hat would make you look fat(ter). Just saying…

Dear David Ortiz,

Papi. Can I call you Papi? I’m going to call you Papi. Dear, Papi. Sweet, Papi. Teddy bear. I thought we had something, you and I. I thought it was special. Unique. And then you said you were interested in seeing other people. And I pretended to be okay with that, Papi.

I said I was okay. I pretended to be okay with that, because you were okay with that. I didn’t want to lose you, Papi.

I mean, we didn’t change our Facebook status or anything. And you’re still wearing my jersey. So I didn’t think anything would change, really. And when you were offered salary arbitration, I thought, awesome. Now we can forget that little “seeing other people” conversation ever happened. We can get back to lazy Sundays where you knock ’em out of the park and I drunkenly blog about you, shaking my fist to the sky. We’re good together, right? Great together, even.

At least… I thought so. I thought you thought so too, Papi…

So then, WHY, Papi, do I open my laptop to find THIS in my Google News Alerts?

The free agent is receiving “serious interest” from more than one team, an industry source said today, indicating that Ortiz has more than one offer already. “He has lots of options,” said the source.

I always knew you were a flirt, Papi. I’ve seen the way you look at Toronto. But TEXAS? Really?


A casual glance, sure. Eye batting, that’s fine. I do that. Remember that time we were up against Masterson? I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I fantasized about getting a piece of that in my starting lineup.

But TORONTO, TEXAS, TAMPA and that ho of all ho-s… NEW YORK?

Yeah, I hear it’s unlikely, but those home wreckers have gone after my men before

You need to think long and hard about this, Papi. Because I’m a one uniform gal. You plaster a bird on your hat and it’s over, Papi. OVER. You hear me? No more Sundays. NO MORE.

AND the Angels and Orioles?

It hurts, Papi. It HURTS.

We’re good together, Papi. Great together. I named my puppy, Elliot-May-Precious-Ortiz, after you. You’re the only father figure she has, Papi. Don’t take that away for a slice of Canadian bacon and a cap makeover.

Ortiz posted a .309 batting average, 29 homers and 96 RBIs for the Red Sox in 2011, a season in which he made $12.5 million. It is expected that the salary offer from arbitration would be a few million more than last year’s total.

I know what this is about. Commitment. You want that three-year deal, the baseball equivalent of a ring. But Papi, you don’t know what I’ve been through. I’ve gone through some rocky relationships. There was J.D. Drew. And John Lackey. Commitment, it’s just an extremely difficult conversation. I mean, divorce rates in America are skyrocketing. But we can talk about it, Papi. We can talk about it. Over beer and… are grilled cheese sandwiches okay? I don’t eat chicken.

The Red Sox have negotiated with Ortiz already this offseason and relations are considered good, but the sides agreed that Ortiz wanted to explore the market for awhile. There is mutual interest in Ortiz returning to the Red Sox, and he told the Herald recently that he would likely allow the team an opportunity to match any compelling offer he received.

I hope you mean that, David. The arbitration deadline is Dec. 17. And all I want for Christmas is you. And pinstripes make EVERYONE look fat(ter).




Dear Ben Cherington,

Please consider matching Ortiz’ offers. Please don’t…

oh. Right.

Scratch that…




Dear Larry Lucchino,

Please don’t take David Ortiz away. Don’t keep him for his AMAZING stats or his STELLAR year or his power hits or his irreplaceable DH-ness.

Keep him for his mascot quality. The cheer he brings to the clubhouse, the memories he holds for fans. Keep him because he is David Ortiz and we are the Red Sox. And then brag about him because he kicks ass.

Most sincerely,


Feel free to write your own letters in the comments. I think we need as much support as we can get, fan-side.



Categories: Uncategorized
  1. November 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    A halo on the cap might not be slimming either, but Papi’s numbers have always looked downright hot in Anaheim, just sayin’…actually, the Angels have a lot of trading away to do, badly needed I might add, before this even remotely looks like a good idea, so I am mostly just teasing. However, after enduring the sting of my Red Sox fan nephew’s annoying/adorable 7-year old’s trash talk last season and the season before, the thought of giving him a Big Papi Angels shirt for his birthday does amuse me a great deal. I would never, ever do this of course…well, probably not at any rate. 😉
    — Kristen

  2. JW
    November 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    If he stays or if he goes….

    Now is a good time to start preparing for the fact that gallon of milk known as Big Papi is rapidly approaching “Best if used by” date…

  3. November 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    “Interest” and “offers” don’t bother me. Of course there’s interest. All AL teams need a DH of some sort. If these other “offers” were any good, he’d have accepted one by now.

    Note that the article wasn’t listing teams that have made offers. Just teams that need a DH. It’s called making a story out of nothing because there isn’t a new manager to write about yet.

  4. FireDannyAinge
    November 28, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    He has no loyalty to the red sox. He doesn’t understand and I don’t think he ever did. I am so done with him.

    • November 28, 2011 at 10:53 pm

      NO. Now’s that part of the movie where we’re all supposed to rally and carol in a variety show so they don’t shut the ski resort down. They’re totally going to close it forever with that attitude, FDA.

      • FireDannyAinge
        November 28, 2011 at 11:55 pm

        Maybe it’s time. If he doesn’t want to be here than good riddance. Now I am off to listen to jar of hearts.

  5. FireDannyAinge
    November 28, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Did you see this Lauren? Not baseball related, hockey related but still fun:)

    • November 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

      Great! I just put that on my Facebook page. That’s right. Facebook-worthy.

      • FireDannyAinge
        November 28, 2011 at 11:53 pm

        NOTHING had made me smile for then this hockey news.lol Classic KARMA

  6. November 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

    You’re sense of humor really cracks me up, great work. It’s almost as if you have real experience as a jilted lover, but I can’t imagine anyone would have ever put you in that position. 😉

    I don’t blame Ortiz for looking around, but I’m sure in the end he comes back home. I don’t see any of those teams desperate enough for an aging DH that they would give him a substantially better offer. Big Papi will not foresake your big puppy.

  7. November 29, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I would be very surprised if he does not remain in Boston. I think both parties want to stay married. Just posturing right now on both sides trying to cut the best deal for each…as usual.

  8. November 29, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Papi can still hit. That’s a fact. He’s also already said he’d let the Red Sox match offers. The truth is he’s just weighing his options. This is the last time he’ll probably ever get a big contract, and he just wants to make sure he chooses the fit that makes the most sense financially for him (you can read that, whoever opens their wallet the most).

    But the Sox did offer him arbitration, meaning that if he accepts, he’ll easily be getting $14-15 million on a one-year deal. But he’s not going to turn down $30 million guaranteed, which is I’m sure an offer on the table. The Sox just don’t want to commit any serious money to him this far into his thirties. But he still makes the most sense, and I think they will work something out.

    Love your blog by the way.

  9. December 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Tick… tock….tick.. tock…

    Sure, he could be waiting on the arbitration figures. Maybe he’s just mulling things over. You know, the other offers, the Red Sox drama, the quest for a new manager…

    Or, as I previously stated.. he’s waiting to bask in the aftermath of Pujols and Fielder. Baltimore, Toronto, Seattle and who ever can make all the offers they want… Texas, the Angels, outside darkhorse Yankees (out of pure spite) and obviously us are the players. Texas and LA (AL) are hopefuls on Fielder more than Pujols… lose him and insert Ortiz.. the two contenders in the AL West get that much better.

    While the Sox may be the first logical choice (he’s an established folk hero), Texas is the two-time defending AL champ while Arte Moreno can offer him LA’s monsterous Latin fanbase.

    What would have been a solid 70/30 chance of staying with Boston has slipped to 55/45. If he’s not signed by the middle of next week (Winter Meetings).. it’s 40/60.

    Tick.. tock…

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