Screw you, Papelpoo. Wait! I didn’t mean it. COME BACK!

Dear Soxies,

I have had some time to reflect, and, while I am most displeased at Ben Cherington’s lack of effort in re-acquiring our official dance captain, Jonathan Papelbon, I have decided it is not entirely Benny’s fault. It’s your fault too, Paps. And I’m fine with your terrible, terrible decisions.

Don’t get me wrong. When Bard cries at the mound and Jenks’s stupid chin fuzz trips him in the bullpen before he even warms up, we’re all going to be looking at yesterday as mistake number one for Benny Boy.

Now we have two options: Rely on the unreliable players in Soxsplosion 2011 or bring in a powderkeg like Heath Bell who is 1. expensive and 2. unproven in the AL- with all the potential of fizzling like 2011 Carl Crawford the instant he sees the Green MONSTAH.

So, we’re kind of in a cluster-poo, see. A shit storm, if you will. Shit lightning in a shitty, shitty sky.

A shit storm!

But you got rid of the Lackey problem in an hour (an HOUR), so I am willing to forgive ONE mistake. I mean, I was kind of hoping you would save your mistake- use it in a year, maybe?

I mean, an excellent mistake I’ve been thinking you could make would be to slip on some of the victory champagne from the 2012 World Series. But, whatever. Use it up now. That’s coooool.

But as for YOU, Papelbon…

Papelbon has a proven track record of spewing crap. That’s why you kiddies nabbed Jenks and Bard when you did- to set them up to be the Paps replacement. All of this, of course, was pre-Soxsplosion. But hey, sure, let’s stick to the 2010 plan. I too, Cherington, like to close my eyes and pretend September, October and now, November didn’t happen.

Papelbon has repeatedly said he wants to be expensive.

He has repeatedly implied he’d go where the money is.

And, apparently, the money isn’t in Boston.

So, in light of that reflection, I have created a greeting card for you, Jonathan Papelbon, that expresses how I feel.

Thanks for 2007.

Now get out of our city.

~L

Oh, look! I have three-fourths a bottle of wine left!

—-

I am being surprisingly mature about this. So mature. LEAVE, PAPELBON. GO away.

Moving on. I can do it. We can do it. Right?

PLEASE DON’T TAKE DAVID ORTIZ AWAY!

—

Upon further reflection-

I didn’t mean it!

I didn’t…

Damn it.

He’s really gone, isn’t he?

I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of a few little fans don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday we'll understand that.

Is it me? Do you think it’s me? Do you think it’s because of my paint doodle? Because I can take it back! I take it back!

DON’T GO!

It’s JOHN LACKEY, isn’t it? John Lackey did this. He called you on the phone and was like, “here. Try this cheese steak sandwich.” And you were like, “no. I’m perfectly fine with my Boston baked beans.” And Lackey was like, “Just a little bite.”

And you took a little bite. And it was like that time in mythology when Persephone ate the pomegranate seed and had to stay with Hades. It’s JUST like that.

DAMNIT, PAPELBON! WHY?

—-

Upon further reflection. I’m fine. I’m super fine.

Screw you, Papelbon. I don’t give a Papelshit what you do.

—

Cheese steaks are bad for you, Jonathan Papelbon. See? I read a restaurant review.

—-

DON’T GOOOOOOOO!

Maybe he’ll fail his physical?

—

I don’t think I like wine.

—

DON’T GOOOOOOO!

—

Ben Cherington, did you do this on purpose to hurt me?

—-

Upon further reflection, I have decided we should be proactive about this. I think we should put Jacoby Ellsbury in a cryogenic chamber and only take him out when we are playing baseball. He needs to be protected. Put Youk in there too. Oh! And …. oh… that’s it.

—-

Dear Jonathan Papelbon,

I don’t love you anymore. So this is ME. Breaking up with YOU. I have decided you should go to Philly. That is MY decision. Not YOURS. You can’t quit. You’re fired.

GO AWAY.

Sincerely,

Lauren

Except I lied about the sincerely part. It should say, ANGRILY.

—-

Damn it.

I am just going to add this to my angry blog. A blog so venomous, I STILL haven’t published it…