Home > Uncategorized > Screw you, Papelpoo. Wait! I didn’t mean it. COME BACK!

Screw you, Papelpoo. Wait! I didn’t mean it. COME BACK!

Dear Soxies,

I have had some time to reflect, and, while I am most displeased at Ben Cherington’s lack of effort in re-acquiring our official dance captain, Jonathan Papelbon, I have decided it is not entirely Benny’s fault. It’s your fault too, Paps. And I’m fine with your terrible, terrible decisions.

Don’t get me wrong. When Bard cries at the mound and Jenks’s stupid chin fuzz trips him in the bullpen before he even warms up, we’re all going to be looking at yesterday as mistake number one for Benny Boy.

Now we have two options: Rely on the unreliable players in Soxsplosion 2011 or bring in a powderkeg like Heath Bell who is 1. expensive and 2. unproven in the AL- with all the potential of fizzling like 2011 Carl Crawford the instant he sees the Green MONSTAH.

So, we’re kind of in a cluster-poo, see. A shit storm, if you will. Shit lightning in a shitty, shitty sky.

A shit storm!

But you got rid of the Lackey problem in an hour (an HOUR), so I am willing to forgive ONE mistake. I mean, I was kind of hoping you would save your mistake- use it in a year, maybe?

I mean, an excellent mistake I’ve been thinking you could make would be to slip on some of the victory champagne from the 2012 World Series. But, whatever. Use it up now. That’s coooool.

But as for YOU, Papelbon…

Papelbon has a proven track record of spewing crap. That’s why you kiddies nabbed Jenks and Bard when you did- to set them up to be the Paps replacement. All of this, of course, was pre-Soxsplosion. But hey, sure, let’s stick to the 2010 plan. I too, Cherington, like to close my eyes and pretend September, October and now, November didn’t happen.

Papelbon has repeatedly said he wants to be expensive.

He has repeatedly implied he’d go where the money is.

And, apparently, the money isn’t in Boston.

So, in light of that reflection, I have created a greeting card for you, Jonathan Papelbon, that expresses how I feel.

Thanks for 2007.

Now get out of our city.

~L

Oh, look! I have three-fourths a bottle of wine left!

—-

I am being surprisingly mature about this. So mature. LEAVE, PAPELBON. GO away.

Moving on. I can do it. We can do it. Right?

PLEASE DON’T TAKE DAVID ORTIZ AWAY!

Upon further reflection-

I didn’t mean it!

I didn’t…

Damn it.

He’s really gone, isn’t he?

I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of a few little fans don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday we'll understand that.

Is it me? Do you think it’s me? Do you think it’s because of my paint doodle? Because I can take it back! I take it back!

DON’T GO!

It’s JOHN LACKEY, isn’t it? John Lackey did this. He called you on the phone and was like, “here. Try this cheese steak sandwich.” And you were like, “no. I’m perfectly fine with my Boston baked beans.” And Lackey was like, “Just a little bite.”

And you took a little bite. And it was like that time in mythology when Persephone ate the pomegranate seed and had to stay with Hades. It’s JUST like that.

DAMNIT, PAPELBON! WHY?

—-

Upon further reflection. I’m fine. I’m super fine.

Screw you, Papelbon. I don’t give a Papelshit what you do.

Cheese steaks are bad for you, Jonathan Papelbon. See? I read a restaurant review.

—-

DON’T GOOOOOOOO!

Maybe he’ll fail his physical?

I don’t think I like wine.

DON’T GOOOOOOO!

Ben Cherington, did you do this on purpose to hurt me?

—-

Upon further reflection, I have decided we should be proactive about this. I think we should put Jacoby Ellsbury in a cryogenic chamber and only take him out when we are playing baseball. He needs to be protected. Put Youk in there too. Oh! And …. oh… that’s it.

—-

Dear Jonathan Papelbon,

I don’t love you anymore. So this is ME. Breaking up with YOU. I have decided you should go to Philly. That is MY decision. Not YOURS. You can’t quit. You’re fired.

GO AWAY.

Sincerely,

Lauren

Except I lied about the sincerely part. It should say, ANGRILY.

—-

Damn it.

I am just going to add this to my angry blog. A blog so venomous, I STILL haven’t published it…

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I can’t believe this. I love him but Bard terrifies me. This IS a mistake. Makes me wonder/worry about what other mistakes are waiting quietly to be made, lying there in the shadows, lurking… I will not allow my brain to go there.

  2. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    Actually I think just to be safe I WILL go ahead and kidnap Jacoby and lock him in a giant Safe that says “PROPERTY OF THE BOSTON RED SOX FOR THE REST OF HIS NATURAL ATHLETIC LIFE,” all over it. It will be guarded by dragons with machine guns. Dragons wearing Boston caps…

  3. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Actually I think I have figured out a way to make this Carl Crawford’s fault. He’s the one driving around in the damn sports car with hundred dollar bills all over it. Leaving NOTHING for Paps. His fault, therefore. Entirely.

  4. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    I mean here’s a thought. Maybe he’ll do really, really badly in Philadelphia. Like blow a record number of saves. Or something. Maybe he’ll be cursed for leaving us. You know? I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with this.

    • November 12, 2011 at 2:47 pm

      maybe he’ll fail his physical!

  5. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    But what are the odds? He seems annoyingly, strappingly, robustly healthy. Damn it.

  6. November 12, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Well, he’s still a Red Sox. So the odds are better than if he were… um… not a Red Sox.

  7. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    True. But even if he comes down with Lowrie-itis all of a sudden there’s still the problem of…this is hard to type…the problem of..of..apparently…not..wanting..to be here. How? Why? I thought he loved us! Or was that just us loving him and thinking that if it felt that strong it must be mutual!!!!???? I’m…so confused.

    • November 12, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      Maybe there’s something wrong with him. Remember when Manny Ramirez wanted to leave? It’s because he was crazy. Maybe Papelbon is crazy!
      Maybe we just loved him too much.

  8. November 12, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    No. You know what? WE can do better. We should go out on the town. Get wasted. And find a new closer. A better closer. A taller closer.

  9. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Taller than Papelbon? Is that possible? And a different closer won’t dance. And do that face thing. And be…Papelbon. It will never be the same. No. I’m just going to sit here and mull and stew and feel inadequate and wonder why the hell he didn’t love us back. Is it something we did? Is it because we’re too needy?? WAS IT THE CHICKEN????? Who else is there????

    • November 12, 2011 at 3:25 pm

      i mean, if he wanted a cheese steak sandwich soooo badly, i would have bought him one.

  10. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Heck, I would have made him one. Really.

    • November 12, 2011 at 3:37 pm

      we don’t need this, cybellekate. we are young. we are gorgeous. we should go troll for new closers. and teach them to dance. they would be DAMN lucky to be able to close for us, cybellekate. plenty of people would LOVE to close for us.

  11. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Actually you’re right. You are. That’s true. It’s not like we’re some crappy, sad team I can’t think of right now that nobody cares about. We’re…OH MY GOD WHAT IF IT’S LIKE WHEN JUSTIN MASTERSON LEFT AND EVERY TIME WE PLAYED AGAINST HIM HE CREAMED US!?!?!?!??! Lauren! I’m scared!
    I also obviously suck at bouncing back from bad breakups…
    I need time. I need hope. I need to know that Jacoby will still be wearing a Red Sox uniform at the age of forty-five, that Pedroia will have a hot streak that lasts for six months, that Gonzo will decide he loves travelling and playing on Sundays, that Youk will be rebuilt better and stronger like the 6 million dollar man and will never get hurt again, and that… we’ll find a closer cooler, better and taller than Paps.
    Sigh. This off-season sucks worse than September.

    • November 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm

      what does it say about me that i kind of want to call my boyfriend right now? is it bad when your baseball insecurities bring out real life insecurities?

  12. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Baseball/real life. There’s a fine line. It’s so intermingled.

  13. November 12, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    J, don’t leave me like Papelbon did! Do you think he’ll be suspicious when, next time he visits, there are like 50 cheese steak sandwiches waiting on him?
    No. He doesn’t read this blog.
    Do you think Masterson misses me?

  14. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    I think it’s like in “Heaven Can Wait” when the guy dies and then he comes back and for a little while he’s still himself but then after awhile he sort of fades into the personality of the guy who’s body he took over. Let me explain. I think for awhile Justin probably missed us, but then after awhile he morphed into being an Indian and sort of forgot who he was before and eventually stopped missing us. You. Missing you. And that’s what will happen with Papelbon. He’ll forget how fun it was to run out onto the field at Fenway with his song, our song, blasting in the background and everyone clapping along because we knew we were about to win. Yeah. He’ll miss that. What will his new song be???
    I guess he left us for money, so, I wouldn’t be too worried about, um, J. Not EVERYone cares more about money than people, PAPS.

  15. November 12, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    i think this is jorge posada’s fault.
    he reminds people of how old baseball players have baggage, see. and scares people like cherington out of signing older players to long deals.
    this is jorge posada’s fault.

  16. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Interesting. So Papelbon Posada’d himself. Sort of. Or Cherington Posada’d Pap. Hm. This could work. I still like the idea of blaming Crawford. This just blows no matter how you look at it. Damn it. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to. I will never eat another cheese steak again. Not without crying, anyway. Shoot. 😦

  17. November 12, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    if we were in the same state, we would be at a bar right now. having this exact same conversation.

  18. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    And I would be gripping my glass with both hands, staring into my beer, wondering forlornly, why he left us, trying not to cry. Some day, Lauren. Some day.

  19. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    You know, I can’t shake this feeling that, if I knew where he was, if I could just find him, if I walked up to him, looked him in the eye, and started to cry, he would bow his head, he would feel bad, and he would come back…
    Oh my God, I’m such a girl…

    • November 12, 2011 at 4:50 pm

      we should write a letter! that’s what we should do! and send subtle text messages! oh! and find his facebook page!

  20. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    Kinda married to the whole “crying uncontrollably to his face” idea. I think he needs to SEE it and FEEL it. He may be moneygrubbing but I can’t believe he’s heartless.

    • November 12, 2011 at 5:22 pm

      let’s! i’m great at crying. i have a theater degree.

  21. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Do you really? I have a degree in Film Production… ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I’M THINKING?

  22. November 12, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    I think so, cybellekate, but if jimmy cracked corn and no one cared, why does he keep cracking it?

    oh. right. a film. yes! let’s get on this stat.

  23. cybellekate
    November 12, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    There’s just one small logistical problem. But it was a good idea.

    • November 12, 2011 at 6:09 pm

      logistics?! i majored in theater, cybellekate. not logistics.

  24. November 12, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    You two need help. 🙂

    • November 12, 2011 at 10:54 pm

      is that you volunteering, s36? because a trio is much more effective than a duo. besides, we’ll need someone to hold the camera steady.

  25. FireDannyAinge
    November 12, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    You need to move to Boston so you can see Papelbon every day and learn to hate him as I have. Oh wait, I guess that means you are moving to Philly.

    • November 12, 2011 at 11:02 pm

      i can’t move to philly. i am a vegetarian. steakless cheese steak sandwiches are just silly, fda. do you think we can teach our new closer to dance?

      • FireDannyAinge
        November 12, 2011 at 11:06 pm

        Yes I can teach him to dance. it’s not like the last closer could dance. He had no technique and never pointed his toes. Jis posture sucked too

  26. FireDannyAinge
    November 12, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    I wouldn’t get attached to Jacoby either. He has one friend (your fave Lowrie) on the Sox and when he gets a chance he will take the money and run (into a wall)

    He ain’t getting a 140 million dollar contract from the Sox with his injury history.

    Why must I prepare all the kiddies for heartbreak???????

  27. November 12, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    NO. NO. Stop it.
    Lowrie is not my friend.
    If someone tries to steal Jacoby, let’s throw Lowrie at him.
    NO.

    • FireDannyAinge
      November 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

      Sorry I should have used quotation marks around friend

      “friend”

      Jacoby is using us Lauren. He is using us for money. How sad will it be seeing him in pinstrips.

      • November 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

        stop it!!!!

  28. November 12, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    The Pap-jig was amazing. I will miss that more than I will miss the Pap-face. No. That’s not true. I LOVE the Pap-face. That exhale anger thing pre-pitch. Oh wow. The next time we see that it will be…
    NO.
    Maybe he will fail his physical.

  29. FireDannyAinge
    November 12, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    I have work in the AM. Now I must go to sleep with tears in my eyes for convincing myself Jacoby will be an enemy someday:(

    • November 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

      hateful!

      • FireDannyAinge
        November 12, 2011 at 11:24 pm

        It’s called PREPERATION even if wordpress said that was spelled wrong. WordPress also says wordpress is spelled wrong.

        Welcome to Twitter:)

  30. November 12, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    i don’t understand twitter. to wikipedia i go!

  31. cybellekate
    November 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Twitter is what you already do, only shorter. You’ll catch on. Jacoby’s injury history is Adrian Beltre, unless I missed something, and he’s gone. And Section 36, we’re Red Sox fans, ie There is no help for us. 🙂

  32. November 14, 2011 at 10:09 am

    I don’t want Poupon here. I am trying to get someone to feed him a poppy seed bagel so he can fail his physical and return to Boston. I would like to see massive gobs of money spent on some professional hitters, not a psycho closer. Pitching is the least of our issues in Philly.

  33. November 14, 2011 at 10:10 am

    And by the way…cheese steaks are real and they are spectacular!

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