Your Red Sox update: Dan Duquette needs a new strategy- and other Soxirrific news to get you through your Monday!

Dan Duquette is officially back… um… in baseball. Do the Orioles really count?

Former Red Sox general manager Dan Duquette signed a three-year contract yesterday to become the Baltimore Orioles’ president of baseball operations.

Duquette may need a new strategy for the birds, the internet says…

Duquette’s patented organizational strategy — Acquire-A-Pedro™ — probably isn’t going to be as effective if he tries it again.

And- back at the ranch-

So much crap to shovel through with our Sox. Managers. Free Agents. And everyone has an opinion. I’m thinking Darvish- but doesn’t it smell suspiciously like Dice-K? I’m trying to have a GOOD day, so I’m not going to think about the very real possibility that Paps and Papi have worn their last B.

At least the Sox win big in lease for Yawkey Way…

In bigger news, I am the best girlfriend ever. I mean really. He does NOT deserve me. Let’s tell him that with a collective eye roll, k? I root for your college team. They win. Because I am amazing. You root for my baseball team. They STILL lose. I guess I’m just better at being supportive than you are, J. And at answering my PHONE.

Today is going to be a GOOD day. Right? Right? Sigh. Stupid work.

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Oh. And don’t tell my family (please!) but I accidentally rooted for the Pats yesterday. Really. I was at this bar. And jackass yellow-hat guy was there. Jackass yellow-hat guy talks like he’s from (insert Southern stereotype here) but is a Yankees fan? And says he’s from New Jersey? He’s the guy I threw ice at that one time for saying we were the Red Sux? Oh. And that guy I slapped because he said Kevin Youkilis lived under a bridge. Anyway, he was there. Rooting on the New York. WHICH DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. And I do not like New York. Or the Patriots. Especially the Patriots. I do not know a lot about football (see yesterday’s post), but I do know I am supposed to hate New England. As many of you know, my family is divided. Our Miami roots have half of us in the Dolphins camp and half of us in the Pats camp. So holidays can be very scary. Because we take our sports SERIOUSLY. Oh, yes we do. Oh. And there’s me. Who, while brainwashed by my father from an early age (“And they plowed the field for the Pats kicker and didn’t for the Phins kicker, and that’s why they’re evil, Lauren. EVIL…”), just can’t seem to care. I mean, I guess I’m a Dolphins fan (if you’re reading this Aunt Sally, I am SO a Dolphins fan). I mean, I can’t shame my family… And Kevin Youkilis does NOT look like he lives under a bridge. YOU live under a bridge, yellow-hat guy.

Anyway, jackass yellow-hat guy tried to high five me. I HATE it when Stankee fans touch me. And was all, “oooooooooh… Pats suck.”

So on my way out I had to take his hat, jump up and down on it, and say, “yellow hats suck.”

Oh, and “Go Pats.” It’s okay. It was at the Portofino. They never kick me out of the Portofino. Not even that time I accidentally “dropped” the salt shaker against the plasma tv on the other side of the room…  But yeah. I said “Go Pats.”

I don’t know if it worked. Because my heart wasn’t in it. And my aunt says every time someone says “Go Pats” a baby dies in Africa. But I had to do it. I mean, his hat was really stupid. And there are lots of babies, right?

~L

Oh. The Dolphins won. So. Go team.