Dear Jacoby Ellsbury, Thank you. Love, Lauren
I am having an emotional affair with Jacoby Ellsbury. I can’t help it. Kevin Youkilis. The hernia. He just… He just can’t satisfy me right now like Jacoby can. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. But I can’t help the way I feel. And Jacoby, I can’t quit you baby.
In honor of Jacoby’s single-handed victory, I thought I would create a thank you card. I’d use construction paper and crayons and scotch tape and glitter and it would be even more glorious than that macaroni art I made Josh Beckett that one time. But, since you people kept me up all night with your stupid hundred thousand inning game, I don’t have time to wait for glitter to dry.
So, I am creating this blog post so we can all give thanks to the victor which is NOT Terry Francona. It is NOT Curt Young. It is NOT John Lackey. The person, the only person, that won THIS game is Jacoby Ellsbury. Please leave your “Dear Jacoby” thank yous in the comments section.
I will start.
Dear Jacoby,
I would have your babies.
Thanks for playing baseball, understanding the rules and actually trying.
All my love,
Lauren
Your turn, America!
I love the Red Sox.
Too Soxy for my Shirt 
Lauren- get it together.
That is NOT a thank you to our Jacoby, Andrew.
Nope, not a thank you. I watched in a crowded NYC bar and told many people to go fuck themselves…..the Red Sox should send me a thank you note for sticking with them.
Despite my distaste for Jacoby, I think we may have to wrap him in bubble wrap between (and during) games. He’s the only one being productive!
Many thanks to Jacoby!! Jacoby is our baseball “son,” and we sanction your relationship with him. We were in Boston when he first made his glorious appearance in a Boston uniform and watched as he made fire between the bases with the rapid movement of his feet. He has held a special place in our hearts ever since. I don’t understand how anyone could have “distaste” for him. I think I agree with the bubble-wrap idea, though. Also…I’m sure Youk understands.
He’s just one of those players I don’t like. Can’t explain it. But I will happily accept his offensive contributions.
I can accept that. I have those players, too.
Soxy,
Being a card-carrying member of the Evil Empire, I hereby grant you a temporary three-game license to cheer for the NY Yankees as the Bombers play the Rays. The Sox have a magic number of three, but they need all the help they can get, right? 😉
How can anyone hate Jacoby? well until he becomes a Yankee anyway.
Dear Jacoby,
Thanks for being the only reason I got out of bed this morning,
Love FDA
A private Yankee blog. Now that is Classic, elitist Yankee if I’ve ever heard.
FDA,
I welcome criticism, but my Yankee Blog is not private. I have two blogs–the private blog is the daily blog I keep for my preschool class parents. You are welcome to check out my Yankee blog at http://lifebehindenemylines.wordpress.com/
non-elitist Scooter
So. I am still working. And it looks like I will be working for at least another two hours. So. Could you guys do me a solid and babysit the Red Sox? Because I can’t. I am at an economist’s lecture right now about how screwed we are as a country, and after the lecture, I have to write about it for the paper tomorrow. So… yeah. I’m going to need your help, Soxies. If you guys could blog this sucker in the comments, that’d be great.
We need an economist to tell us the country is screwed up?? Pft! I’ll help babysit them, though.
Oh, wow. While I wasn’t looking, the game started, and Papi got a double and somebody is on third. Gonzo is up! Good start, Sox!
They walked Gonzo to get to Jed Lowrie. The strategy worked…he popped out, leaving the bases loaded. NOT a good start, after all.
First O’s batter gets a hit. He steals on Salty. But then they get the guy on second in a rundown after the batter hits a ground ball right back to Beckett. And then a double play gets them out of the inning. Way to go, Sox!
J.D. Drew’s back. I’m glad to see that. I know he gets a lot of hate from the fans, but I kind of like the guy, fragile as he is. And he gets a hit because I like him. Salty wastes an at bat by fouling out on the first pitch. Scutaro FCs Drew out at second. And the hero is up. Jacoby Ellsbury. Ellsbury singles Scoots to third, and some really, really sloppy defense lets Ells get to third and Scoots scores. Sox lead 1-0. Crawford grounds out to end the first half of the second.
Vlad is up. I miss him being a Ranger. He grounds out for the first out. Uhoh…Matt Wieters hits a homer. Bad Beckett!! 1-1. Beckett retaliates by getting a strikeout. And another one to end the inning!
Are you back yet, Soxy? Okay…Pedie’s up. No laser this time. He pops out. And Papi gets called out on a ball that’s at least six inches off the plate. Gah! And Gonzo grounds out. Middle of third, 1-1.
Hah!!! The legend of Jed Lowrie just hit a home run to put the Sox ahead again in the top of the um…fourth. (Nothing at all happened in the bottom of the third…they just skipped it because no one wanted the O’s to bat.) By the way, the Yankees are beating the Rays 2-0 in the third. Drew did something and got out. Salty hit a long fly to left for the second out. Scoots gets a single. Jacoby also gets a single, sending Scoots to third. Crawford flies out to right to end the inning, but the Sox lead 2-1.
While I was getting us some watermelon, an O got on first. Then the next one hit the ball back to Beckett and he almost lobbed it over Gonzo’s head to get the out at first. The other one is on second. But the next one grounds to second, and they’re out. Still 2-1.
Pedie got on first, but got thrown out stealing right after Papi struck out. Uhoh…the Rays are ahead 3-2. Gonzo drew a walk… Jed Lowrie, feeling guilty for the home run last time, popped out. Middle of the 5th, still 2-1.
Uhoh…while I wasn’t paying attention, the O’s scored another run and tied the game. They have no outs and runners on first and second. Or…second and third after that sac bunt. And Beckett walks the bases full. One out. Looks like they managed to get out of it with just a tie. 2-2, top of the 6th coming up.
Top of the sixth came and went in about thirty seconds. Three up, three down. Okay…Soxy, I think you’re watching this, so I’m not going to keep this up over here.
I hope you’re not watching. Another Beckett implosion. And all that goodwill that Jacoby earned yesterday with me is gone. This is truly a sad little world right now