Home > Ask Too Soxy > Ask Too Soxy: Why I’m not pitching. Oh, and I almost set my house on fire today. But I didn’t. So that’s a sign, right?

Ask Too Soxy: Why I’m not pitching. Oh, and I almost set my house on fire today. But I didn’t. So that’s a sign, right?

So, I think I’m going to make this “Ask Too Soxy” column a regular part of your Friday. So e-mail me! ohnolauren@gmail.com.

Oh, and yes. I have now heard of Russell Martin. He’s that guy talking smack about the Sox. Apparently, he’s also a baseball player. And I could go on my own diatribe, but I don’t think I could put it any better than this.

But, back to relevance- today, you get a special treat! Rambles. Lots and lots of rambles. Because it’s not even 10 a.m. yet, and I’ve already managed to set my kitchen on fire. But I’ll get to that in a minute. Ahem.

In today’s “Ask Too Soxy,” Andrew is having a crisis of faith (edited*) :

So ummmmm…..what the fudgesicle* is going on with the Sox?  Have they called you to pitch yet?  Cause I think most other people have been given the chance.   IF we get into the playoffs I’m not even sure it is something I want to see.  It’s just….upsetting on so many levels.
Dear Andrew,
Let me start off by setting your mind at ease. I see you haven’t had an opportunity to read yesterday’s blog. But it’s okay. Because I can repeat my revelation: I have decided we are going to win.
So there’s nothing to worry about. See? Now don’t you feel silly for your concern?
I’m glad I could be the one to break the good news. I kind of feel like a missionary. Or Bob Hope. Is he the lottery guy? Oh! Or maybe the chick with the balloons. I love balloons.
No need to thank me.
But I do love balloons.
As for your second question: “Have they called you in to pitch yet?”
I know exactly where this came from. After reading how eloquent and poised I am in writing and gazing at incredibly flattering pictures of me like this-
-Which- and this is a thought that keeps me up at night, Andrew, is the most clicked picture ON MY WEBSITE. (really, people? really?)
You think, this girl is incredibly attractive. Incredibly down to earth. And just so damn smart. That she would re-invent the knuckleball and turn it into the Laurenball and have a shutout season.
While my rambleball is something to be feared on a social level, and I am every bit as pretty and smart as your deep dark fantasies would imply, I am actually the opposite of a pitcher. And by that, I mean a catcher.
True story.
So, there was this softball team made up of Red Sox fans in Charlotte and they needed girls, because apparently, Red Sox fans, Charlotte and girls are like the anti-formula. So I got drafted. And two black eyes later, it was determined that I can’t catch. I mean, my face can. But you’re supposed to use a glove.
But since it’s softball, and you just need girls on your roster to avoid forfeits, and there’s no base stealing, and less damage to be done at the home plate, and I’m soooooo pretty (they said that in the pitch), I got to be the catcher. And the umpire was so nice that sometimes he would throw the ball back to the pitcher for me. Because, I don’t know if you know this, but it’s really far away.
But I had a strategy. Braided pigtails. Because braided pigtails look GREAT in a baseball hat.
Where was I?
Oh, yes. So. Apparently, I’m NOT good at baseball! I know. I was shocked too. Because I am GREAT at throwing water balloons. And tantrums. And I’m so pretty. But, as you know, not all baseball players are as pretty as Kevin Youkilis. Some are just unattractive. Like Kevin Gregg. Apparently, the draft ISN’T based on appearance. Weird, right?
Now for your fears on the playoffs.
If we get to the playoffs?
Oh, Andrew. Sweet, sweet Andrew. As I have already stated, I have decided we are going to start winning. So, it would be better for your sanity if you’d just accept that we’re already IN the playoffs. Congratulations!
And think about it. In the playoffs, we’re not going to have a crisis of faith. We’re not going to be playing horrible, horrible teams that we feel insulted just being asked to play. You know. Like the Orioles. We’ll be playing good teams. Teams (theoretically) worthy of our talent. Our great talent. Talent we will demonstrate today. So we’ll be just fine. I hope we don’t hurt the Phillies’ feelings… I do hate hurting feelings.
I hope I have been able to put your mind at ease. Keep writing! And keep the faith. <-There are t-shirts that say that.
So. I put an english muffin in the microwave for thirty minutes, you see.  It could happen to anyone. I mean, thirty minutes, thirty seconds. You walk your dog. You brush your hair. You have a lot of hair. You brush it again. Before you know it, your kitchen is full of smoke. So. Yeah. It caught fire. And Ellie. Ellie didn’t bark. Or anything, really. She was just in the livingroom shaking. WHAT KIND OF GUARD DOG ARE YOU? So it caught fire and then I tried to put the fire out with a paper plate because, well, there was a paper plate. And it caught fire. But I have this sink, see, So I put the plate in the sink and turned on the water and then bashed the hell out of my fire alarm with a broom.
Do you need anymore signs from the universe that we’re going to win?
A broom? A sweep? Get it? Thanks, universe. Message read loud and clear.
Oh, So. Apparently, people read this. I mean, I know people read this. I know a lot of people read this. Because of the statistics and how many times people download that horrible photo of me. So I know.
But what I did NOT know was that anyone who ACTUALLY knows me (other than Jeb) reads this. So. Um. Basketball come-back-from-the-dead guy said he read this.
So. Um. Awkward.
Yep. But I kind of don’t believe him. Is this denial? So. If you are reading this. I am sorry?
So. Did that sound genuine to you? Because I am working on being genuine.
He did say something super nice to me on the phone yesterday. So, prepare for one of those audible awwwwwwwws, k?
He said, “Lauren, I don’t like baseball. I like YOU.”
That is THE nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. It came after I may or may not have thrown a phone tantrum about the Sox September. A phone tantrum that he listened AND tried to contribute to. If that’s not awwwwwwww-worthy, I don’t know what is. I love it when you drunk dial me, basketball guy.
This is going to be a good day, damn it. Happy win day to you. And you. And you. No negativity allowed. You hear me? Congratulations on our victory tonight.

Categories: Ask Too Soxy
  1. FireDannyAinge
    September 23, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Sorry about your house. I hope you rent:)

  2. FireDannyAinge
    September 23, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    By the way I hate people that shush me when I am ranting about the Red Sox. I have no one at work to rant to and it pisses me off.

    That is why I blog.

  3. September 23, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    No one in the world understands me but you. Oh, and the like 450 other people that read this every day. So. Um. I broke plans to watch the game tonight (which is kind of sad) and I live like fifteen minutes away from town. And now I don’t want to drive. So. I have decided to watch Felicity on Netflix. I think that is sad. I think I’ve become one of those people. OHGODI’VEBECOMEONEOFTHESEPEOPLE! This is YOUR fault, Terry Francona. YOUR FAULT. Maybe Mike was right and you should be fired. I didn’t mean that. YES I DID. No I didn’t. I AM SO CONFUSED AND ALONE WITH ONLY A HOTPOCKET. Yeah. I think I should drive to town. Sigh.

  4. September 26, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    I don’t eat HotPockets because they burn the inside of my mouth too easily. I can’t wait for them to cool and also don’t know what their internal temperature is at any given time. Perhaps a thermometer? Hmmmm…

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