That time when John Lackey saved us. When John Lackey saved us all. Orioles vs Red Sox: Live Blogging

The title? That’s wishful, positive thinking. Because I am still capable of thinking there is good in the world. Because I think… there is probably good in the world. But after my day (and I’m not even talking about YOU, Weiland), it could go either way. 6:30. See you in 40 minutes for a smackdown. One way or the other.

THE ORIOLES ARE LIKE THE WORST TEAM. THE WORST TEAM! REMEMBER THAT.

Come blog with me. Don’t make me do this by myself.

——

Oh look. Ortiz said something REVOLUTIONARY:

With the Red Sox’s rotation owning a 6.10 ERA this month, which ranks 29th, and 21st overall this season (4.27 ERA), Boston’s designated hitter thinks it’s time for Aceves to start pitching every fifth day.

“To be honest with you, the way things are going, he should be starting,” Ortiz said. “Simple as that. Give it a shot.”

Maybe they’ll listen to you, Papi, but I’ve only said that like A HUNDRED TIMES.

Six minutes left to be chipper. Then (sigh) it starts again…

Remember when doubleheaders were fun?

—–

We’re looking back at Lackey’s “best game of the season” against the Orioles.

Okay.

That does, actually, make me feel better.

I don’t know. I don’t know, Soxies. When I fall for this.. this… hope act. This hope thing. This hope… whatever.

I get crushed. CRUSHED.

So many parallels to my own life.

—–

Well, In other classy reading, Carl Crawford updated his blog. It’s mopey. I teared up a little.

I just want to say I’m sorry for the year I’ve had. You guys have been really supportive and I appreciate that. Hopefully when we get into these playoffs, I can be the real Carl Crawford that I know I am. We’ll see.

It is 7:08.

Red Sox taking the field.

——

Who misses Kevin Youkilis? I know… I KNOW it’s not just me anymore.

Tek is catching for John Lackey. So there’s that to be thankful for.

And I AM thankful for that. Because Jason Varitek is perfect.

You heard me.

How do they work doubleheaders at Fenway? How do they keep people from buying game one tickets and then hiding until game two starts?

Oh, look. We start with ball one.

Can you at least TRY to not be predictable, John Lackey?

And a basehit.

Look at that. Man on base.

Yeah. I think Lackey just mouthed a nasty, nasty word.

I would too, Lackey. I would too.

Crudmuffins. Diving into the stands and Conor Jackson can’t get it. But he did clock a lady, so there’s that. It’s okay. She copped a good feel.

Made her Monday.

We’re on the second batter of a crappy, crappy start. We’re still talking about the lady who got clocked. Announcers, you are so…. like you.

And Angle steals second. Still no one out. Still batter number two. Oh, look. We just walked batter number too. I’m sorry. Let me rephrase. YOU. YOU just walked batter number two, John Lackey. YOU did.

(And by you, when it’s in capital letters, I always me YOU too, Curt Young)

Oh. Ball one for Lackey. Yes. We must be consistent, must we? Maybe Lackey and BJ Upton are friends on the sly.

Oh look. Base hit.

And now it’s 1-0. And runners at first and third. Oh. And no outs. Goooooood. Wouldn’t want to surprise anyone, Lackey.

Oh. Look. Pop. But it’s now 2-0. One out, though. So, Alfredo. You played earlier today. So there’s a rule or something against you playing… say… in the second inning? Just checking. Just checking.

Anybody know any catchy songs? I need a distraction. I have “I’ve been working on the railroad” in my head and that is doing NOTHING for me.

Sliced foul. Mmm-hmmm. Look at that. So. Every batter on the Orioles lineup is doing something. SOMETHING. Be it a hit. Or a walk. Or a sacrifice with a run… Just checking. Offense, are you paying attention? Look. Buck Showalter is paying attention. Of COURSE he is. Lackey has a 1-2 count on this guy. That’s something. Lackluster, though it may be. Oh look. Right field. Drops for a base hit. Oh look. Gets away at home. And…. Lackey overthrows to second. Look at all the overthrowing. It is now 3-0. And Don Orsillo says “Things are not looking good.” And now they are blaming Jason Varitek. Saying the ball was kicked out of the glove by the runner and Tek couldn’t keep a hold on it. I’m sure it was by choice, since Varitek is perfect. He was just charged with an error. But I’m sure Varitek meant to do that. I’m sure he had a reason. A reason I, as a Varitekist, have to support. I do not claim to comprehend the ways of the Tek. So I will blameeeeee YOU, Lackey. And YOU, Curt Young. And YOU, everyone at home who does not BELIEVE.

S36. I am so happy to see you. We just got another out. I mean, the second runner was safe. But, you know. How you doing, S36? Worry? Me? Never. I would never do that. Never. NEVER. I believe. <- convincing face.

Ohhhhhhhh…..

Nooooobodddddyyyyyyy knooooowwwwsssssss my sorrrowwwwwwwww.

What? Three outs? What? It’s over! Well. Thanks be to… oh. Right. 8.5 innings left. Oh. Right.

—–

Jacoby. He will save us. You’ll see.

Strike two? Strike two? Jacoby… Foul. Okay. In the first game, he got a base hit in the first inning, and then nada. So, if you’re going to get one hit, let’s make it good, k? Line to right!!!! Single! Single! And Jacoby stumbles. Oh no. Remember that time when Kevin Youkilis stumbled and got hurt? You’re not hurt, are you, Jacoby? Please don’t be hurt. He doesn’t look hurt. But they never do. Stupid bases ripping our Soxies. Hi, Marco Scutaro. I haven’t seen you in hours. See that base over there? Don’t trip on it. Right. One step at a time. Got to get you there first. You wer eon base four times in the first game. So this is nothing. This is chump change. Please don’t trip. Or choke. Are you chewing gum? That concerns me. Maybe you shouldn’t do that and bat. There’s running involved. And occasionally, tripping. That is NOT a strike. Bad calls. BAD calls. Are these the same Ortiz-hating umps? Fly ball to right… picked off. First out.

Speaking of believing, FDA, let’s give that believing thing another shot. I think it’s up to the three of us, guys. Because no one believes in John Lackey except John Lackey. Oh. And Curt Young. How are you today, FDA? Any delightfully distracting stories to impart?

Gonz up the middle? Base hit? Really? That was… that was… that was kind of neat. Right? That was like… old Gonz. Remember? The guy who didn’t suck? That was… that was … neat.

We… we CAN do this. We… can. I… believe? I do! I do believe! It doesn’t take much, really. Just you ACTUALLY SHOWING UP TO PLAY. Pedroia. Pedroia! Did you see Gonz, Pedroia? Do that.

Jeb. We are not speaking until you apologize for the community theatre comment. And write me something nice. Like a haiku. I’ve been on such a haiku kick recently.

Pedroia grounds… and… one out? Runner out… But we scored. So. On the board we are. When I get excited, apparently, I speak like Yoda. 3-1! 3-1!

Jeb and I had this really horrific facebook fight earlier. It clearly has affected him.

David Ortiz! David Ortiz! I love you, David Ortiz! Missed a home run by like a millimeter. Or an inch or something. So runners at second and third, two outs. Two outs. Anddddd. Ohno. Jed Lowrie. But.. I believe. Let’s see what happens when I have a positive attitude. So positive.

FDA, do it for me. Do it for us. Do it for THE CHILDREN. The four-year-olds who have never seen the Red Sox win a World Series. Those poor, poor four-year-olds. Maddon is a joke. Him and Curt Young should go out for a soda pop.

The whole damn… PROFESSIONAL show?

Come on Jed Lowrie. Come on.

Ew. Close up on Curt Young. No one wants to see that.

Believin’….

Sidebar, if JEB can write a haiku, you so can, FDA.

WHAT???? Jed… Lowrie? Three run homerun?!

Three run HOMERUN!

I believeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

You mess this up, John Lackey, I will write something SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nasty about you. It is 4-3. RED SOX. 4-3!

My dog is making strange noises again. Oh. I think I accidentally threw a pillow at her.

Inning over. Whatev. We’re winning, beyotches.

I totally didn’t just say beyotches. Okay. Um. I kind of did. Beyotches.

—–

Dear Jed Lowrie,

I am sorry. You know. For calling you a hypochondriac little amoeba. You’re not little at all. Because that was a big hit. And. Um. For that thing I said about your leg cramps. I’m sorry. And thanks. For the three run homer and stuff.

Sincerely,

Lauren

—–

Well, keep that page up, FDA, don’t stop now.

Oh, look. Base hit.

LACKEY.

Foiled again. Lackey shakes his head. Is that acknowledgement?

A strike. And there was much rejoicing.

Oh, look. You can replay Lowrie’s home run over and over on MLB.

Lackey… Lackey helped with a double play. He caught the breaking ball, tossed it to Pedroia and… LACKEY got us two outs. LACKEY.

Okay. One more out. One more out? Maybe they don’t know the earlier game counted.

Did you see Shields last night saying how he was going to watch the Orioles kill us today?

Out. Out! 9 pitch second inning. Okay, Lackey. Okay.

Your Facebook page is a GENIUS.

Okay, Jeb. You will be forgiven if you can say five nice things about the Red Sox.

The Halifax Girls’ Softball Team gets to watch the game. Lucky.

Varitek leading it off. The captain. I love this guy behind him with the thick Boston accent. I have no idea what he is saying, but it is delightful. I love Boston accents. I want one.

And Jason Varitek walks!

Heidi Watney. Grrrr. I should be you. Now she’s talking to Bucky boy. There’s a weird elevator music playing in the background. Um. I feel uncomfortable.

Are you guys hearing that?

Um.

I am so uncomfortable.

And a base hit? A base hit for Darnell McDonald? Miracles can happen. They can happen to youuuuuuuuu. Publisher’s Clearing House…

Jacoby. Takes ball one. And, to recap. We are winning, 4-3. And the announcers are talkinga bout some lady’s hat.  And some lady’s red wig. And we have runners on first and second. And he hit to center field… and Jacoby’s is caught. But Tek is at third.

Shields totally said something to that effect. I wrote about it earlier. Earlier today. Maybe in the post about Alice in Wonderland. It’s like he’s trying to be more hated than David Price. But that’s just not going to happen…

Fair ball. AWESOME. PHONE CALL…. CRAP

YAY. Happy things are happening. On the phone with that basketball guy… awwwwkward

—-

Well, that was nice. Basketball-come-back-from-the-dead guy is, at least, the only person in the world who thinks the baseball watching me is cute. But I am no longer on the phone. SO I can devote every breath to you once again, Soxies. It is 6-3.

Oh, FDA… if only it were as simple as a hang up. He’s like this addictive little troll thing. It’s complicated. He’s like… acid or something. I mean, I’ve never done acid, but I imagine this guy has similar addictive/traumatizing components. But he’s cute in a good personality way. And in a cute way. Oh, and in a weasel his way out of trouble capacity. I am so sixteen.

I feel like that cowboy who tells the other cowboy “I can’t quit you” in that movie I told everyone I saw but really didn’t see. You know. That one?

One out!

Conor Jackson does a suicide dive and grabs it for out two. I LIKE Conor Jackson. I LIKE him.

It is 8:16 p.m. I think we lost Jeb and S36.

One more out! One more out!

Aw. It’s the fan appreciation series. They appreciate us, FDA.

Tek is making some interesting choices.  Chris Davis at the plate. Strike one. I’m glad he swung at that. Lackey is too. Foul ball in the corner. Good. Because that scared me. Good. Everything is by a couple of inches tonight. So says Jerry Remy. John Lackey looks like he is in pain. He’s doing this teeth thing. See that? Oh, and this throwing it into the dirt thing. Let’s NOT do that. Oh, Tito’s spitting sunflower seeds AGAIN. Mmmhmm… I’m really surprised there aren’t plants all over the dugout. They must have great maintenance people.

Base hit. And now our runner is on third. And we have a guy on first. And all eyes are glaring at Lackey. Except mine. They are glaring at YOU, Curt Young. YOU.

Three and one. That’s something. Because if you walk the bases loaded, I swear to Fisk…

JOHN LACKEY!!!!!!!!!

Bases FRICKING loaded. LOADED. Curt Young to the phone. Yeah. That’s what I THOUGHT.

Atchison warming up.

And Lackey gets a strike. A strike. Atchison, warm up. Come on. Warm up. THE  BASES LOADED. Sonofa…

this is because I answered the phone, isn’t it?

Base hit. BASE HIT. And two runs in. And 6-5. And dreams broken. And hopes dashed. AND DAMNIT, JOHN LACKEY…  Jerry Remy just called this a “little bloop.”

A LITTLE bloop?

Runners on first and third. Let’s see if I can send Lackey back to the dugout WITH MY MIND.

Squint with me…

Not working. He’s still there.

Fly ball…. Foul.

My neck hurts. YOU did this, Lackey. YOU did this.

Strike out. But don’t feel proud of yourself, Lackey. DO NOT.

—–

Jed Lowrie. I apologized and everything. So we’re cool, right? Awesome. A leadoff walk. Awesome.

And now NESN is telling us about a guitar they are auctioning off. I don’t care.

Charlie Farren? Who are you?

Pop caught in center. I forgive you, Conor Jackson, because you made a nifty catch earlier.

I feel like, if I were there, I’d be so loud that they’d have no CHOICE but appreciate ME, FDA.

And then Kevin Youkilis would be there. And we would have such a happy conversation. And a picnic. And he’d let me play with his World Series souvenirs. From 2011. Because we’ll have already won and…

Yay! Lowrie steal.

Nifty keen

So, One out, Lowrie on second. Varitek batting. Strike two? I will argue. If TEK says it was outside, it was outside. JASON VARITEK IS PERFECT. I miss Kevin Youkilis. If you see him, like, at the Cheesecake Factory, or at the Boston Market or something, could you tell him I miss him? Varitek just chose to strike out. And we have to support him, see, because HE is the captain.

Darnell McDonald…

Score! Score! Error lets McD to second and now it is 7-5. And Buck Showalter looks like he is about to earspit steam. That poem was ALMOST a haiku.

Jacoby Ellsbury. Yay! Yay! Fair ball! McD Scores! Jacoby on second! It is 8-5, guys! 8-5!!!

Scutaro! Scutaro! Base hit! And now it’s 9-5! It is so much easier to believe when we are winning! See what happens when we don’t let Weiland play?

9-5! 9-5!

FDA! Stop lying about Kevin Youkilis. He loves me. He loves us ALL.

We’ve had one out left for like, forever or something. It’s like the opposite of every September game!

We truly are in a Philadelphia!

Ohhhhhh A-Gonz… Another center rip would be appreciated…

I would like to win by thirty runs, please.

A-Gonz!  A base hit! A base hit!

Now we’re on first and second. Was that… Was he running just now? RUNNING? Oh, A-Gonz! You’re back! I could hug you! But FDA is closer.

Pedroia! Pedroia!

I am appreciating this offense. Really. But we are SOOOOOOOOO lucky. You guys know that, right? We are sooooooooooo lucky that their pitching sucks.

We SHOULD be able to win this one backwards, it being against the ORIOLES.

Pedroia! Base hit!

We are 10-5.

Which means I can get Dolly Parton out of my head. Maybe. Or I can just replace 9 with 10 and keep singing. My neighbors must love me. They are so lucky. David Ortiz!!!! And runners on first and third. Ortiz grounds… should be out at first. But they’re late and we’re not! Ortiz just beat you at RUNNING.

And it is 11-5. I think we could use a few more cushion runs, personally. But this pleases me.

6th batter to have two hits in a game on our roster tonight…

Jed Lowrie.

I don’t know, FDA! I don’t know! It’s like… It’s like time has stopped! Maybe that’s where s36 and Jeb went. They were stuck in the time space continuum.

Oh, we definitely need more runs. Like 18 more at least. Especially if they put in Lackey again. Lackey, who probably has the biggest Cheshire grin of all. I wish they’d do a close up on him.

He better kiss Adrian Gonzalez’s feet. Looks like Lackey is going back out. Oh, there was an out.

—–

It’s okay, FDA. Fisk will judge them. He will judge them all.

Speaking of buzz kills… JOOOOOHHHHHNNNNNNNN LACKEY!

Lackey, if you ruin this, I will ruin you.

My threats are idle. He knows it. I know it. John Lackey… what can I do to you? I will… write you mean letters. And I will… Oh! Strike out! Oh! My threats! They are effective! The Orioles really aren’t good. I don’t know if we are WINNING or if they are just LOSING. Hard to tell. What do you think, Buck Showalter? This kid looks like a 14 year old. And it’s a base hit because Conor Jackson was not applying himself.

Oh, look! The Red Sox appreciate us.

Susan Goodenow. VP of public relations something. There is a VP of public relations something? I should have that job…

Meet and greet with RED SOX PLAYERS?!

I want…

Base hit to third… Lowrie fires to first. And he has to sit down. But we still have that pesky runner on second. Two outs. Will someone buy me a commemorative brick at Fenway? Thanks. Bruce, you do it. You write like you have money.

Angle wants to steal third. Really badly. Look at him. He might wet himself. Then he’ll be easy to catch. Follow the stream.

Island in the stream. Or Islands in the Stream. Or something. Is another Dolly Parton song. She is from Tennessee. I think. And I live like fifteen minutes from Tennessee. I think. It might be twenty minutes. So we are connected on a very deep level.

Speaking of the opposite of deep, it’ssssss John Lackey.

So many people on this earth who I find irritating are named John. There’s John Lackey. And Johnny Damon. And John Stamos.

Lackey almost hits the batter.

Come on, Lackey. Can you hold back for ONE more strike? Foul balls could kill people. Especially that one. It looked deadly.

You should try it. And if they won’t let you put FireDannyAinge, you can put Lauren Youkilis. If you want.

Lots of foul balls. It is still the top of the fourth. Time is stupid.

Crap muffins. It is now 11-6.

Did I say 18? Let’s make it 28.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

We should find Kevin Youkilis and Derek Lowe and go to the Cheesecake Factory. OUT.

That took a really long time.

—-

This is taking a long time too.  Leadoff walk to Conor Jackson.

I do not need to see this Brandon Crawford. I am Kevin Youkilis’.

It’s Jason Varitek’s choice, FDA. His choice. And whatever he decides to do with his time at bat, we will RESPECT IT.

And… he chooses to strike out. We may not understand, FDA, but we are not meant to.

These things are greater than you or me.

I mean, I wouldn’t turn Reddick down for a date…

McD. Crapola. I love how the Sox have the crowd clapping to the taps. I love the Sox. That is why.

McD is out. Whatever.

Two outs.

Jacoby. Oh, Jacoby! Jacoby is out…

——

It’s okay. They were being considerate of our bedtimes, just then, FDA, because they acknowledge this game is going to take forever.

I know. 5 innings. Will we survive?

Conor Jackson! I thought you were into badass catches! Apparently NOT. Lackey, this guy is three for three with you. THREE for THREE.

That was a dramatic failure. That was a lot like one of my old cheerleading jumps, CJ. Did you used to be a cheerleader too?

Oh look. Runner at second and third. With NO outs. Oh look.

And a fly ball… McD catches it. But look at that. 11-7. Look at that.

Oh look. Another base hit. And boos. Hear that?

And Tito comes to pull him and the boos turn to cheers. I love that everyone else is thinking like me. I feel a great sense of camaraderie with you all, random stands people.

Um, FDA, Tek is the Captain. The CAPTAIN. Be careful. He’ll hear you. He hears typing. He’s THAT good.

So. Um. I kind of want those boos turning to cheers as my ringtone.

Look at that, John Lackey! Scott Atchison fixes it with ONE PITCH. Look at that.

——-

11-8. It is 9:29. The bottom of the fifth inning. Scutaro is batting.

“He’s had a big day,” Don Orsillo said.

So he’ll go straight to bed.

Carl Crawford has a stiff neck. I get stiff necks all the time.

Scutaro is out at first.

Heidi is reading the news and notes. Justin Morneau is done. Okay. Whatever. Has been experiencing concussion symptoms since August? That’s … um… not good. And some record about Rivera that I don’t care about. Does this mean every time Rivera gets a save he’ll be MLB news now? Really?

Adrian Gonzalez is batting. Usually this would be eye-roll-worthy. But Adrian Gonzalez has been GREAT today.

And he walks! Which is… Great. Yes.

Oh look. Mariano Rivera and his historic save. Again. Could you do that this week against Tampa? Thanks.

Oh, I just gagged.

Atchison is… okay.

Aceves is… good.

Dustin Peroia! I have missed you. It’s been like an hour or something. So much has happened!

Oh, look. That fan got popped in the head by the foul. With only a hoody to protect him. He seems fine.

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

I wish there was a camera on Shields and Price and Damon and Maddon. I’d like to watch them watching us.

Yes, I would.

Full count to Pedroia. Maybe this guy will just walk us to a few more runs. I’d be okay with that. Would you be okay with that, FDA?

And Pedroia walks to first.

I want a donut.

One out in the fifth. And they can’t hack it and bring out a new pitcher.

Papi’s pop out is caught…

Jed Lowrie. Could you? Would you? Please? Because I don’t think 11 runs is enough.

Two fricking outs.

And Lowrie at the plate. But it was like the exact same thing earlier and you pulled it off…

So…

If I ever get married, I’d like the proposal to happen at Fenway Park. I want the cheesy, jumbo-tron proposal. That is what I want. Take note, world. Take note.

They’re talking about love at Fenway Park. Love and trouble. Shut up.

And Fenway is chanting. And Lowrie was caught. Stupid Lowrie.

——-

Arguments. They dropped the baseball? Did they? A tag? Um. I kind of agree with Buck Showalter. But they owe us one. Like, Seriously. So, give us this one, umpy?

Oh. They reverse the call. Frickheads.

So Angle is at first.

WHERE WAS THAT WITH THE FOUL IN THE FIRST GAME, HMM?

Yeah, Tito. You tell ’em. You tell ’em.

That’s crap.

I bet Tito could SOOOOO take Bucky in a thumb war.

Hah, Livn42day. That would be hilarious. I am crossing my fingers right now. You are not twisted. You are hilarious. I’m told there’s a difference. I hope there’s a difference. It’s the little things I hold on to…

Double play! Second by Scott Atchison since he came into the game, announcer said… really?

Whatever. Yay, outs!

——-

Carl Crawford has been hanging out with Jed Lowrie too much, FDA. THAT is the problem.

Hah! Shawn. You are right. At least we are all in it together. Sleep? Who needs sleep? Lackey… um… Lackey might need sleep… Do you think sleep can cure Kevin Youkilis’ hernia thing?

What? Morales? What? Why? What????

Frank Morales, please don’t ruin this for me. I mean. Um. For the Red Sox.

Albers is in the pen now. Because, apparently, it’s cool to play EVERYONE.

This is Curt Young’s fault. Don’t think it’s not. He’s playing pitcher bingo or something and we’re just trying to hold on. Don’t you walk this guy, Morales. Don’t you do it. We need ONE MORE OUT. Just ONE MORE.

DAMNIT, MORALES! Walks to first. DAMNIT. Why are they doing this to us, Shawn? We managed better softball than this!

Tito says, apparently, Morales can throw electric stuff if he throws strikes. Analyze that, please, Remy. IF HE THROWS STRIKES.

Are you seeing strikes?

Because I’m not…

WHY? WHY? Base hit. Guy out at third. Which is nifty. But you know what’s NOT nifty, MCDONALD? The score now. It is 11-9. ELEVEN TO NINE.

I say again. We are not WINNING. They are LOSING. Because with play like this…

DAMNIT.

—-

Okay. It’s fine. Let’s just be… positive. We believe. Say it. We believe. No, not to me. Out loud. OUT LOUD. DO IT. NOW. I should be able to hear you from NORTH CAROLINA.

Conor Jackson. No hits. No runs. No walks. But he did make that nice catch earlier. So. Um. That is something. The announcers sem to have forgotten that. Conor Jackson kind of looks like a cartoon. Look at his face. It looks like something I would draw.

That, my friends, is a COMPLIMENT, clearly. It could be. Maybe.

Popped up. Like four feet away from home plate. And it’s easily put away.

It’s okay, guys. It’s Jason Varitek. He will save us.

Jason Varitek. Sigh. Jason Varitek.

He so didn’t have an affair with Heidi Watney. Not really. He wouldn’t do that.

Nope.

And he chooses to strike out again.  Okay.

Yay! Erik Bedard will come back soon! I might just write a whole blog in French. We will speak French together, him and I. And it will be beautiful. Because we will understand each other.

TRY HARDER, FDA. TRY HARDER.

McD… gets caught. 6th is over. Stupid inning. You CLEARLY WEREN’T SHOUTING, FDA.

—–

I want that Red Sox blanket. I really want it.

Chris Davis at the plate. I don’t like Chris Davis. It is his ears.

Morales. Could we do something about this? And by this, I mean you? It’s not your fault, really. This, like everything else? CURT YOUNG.

Matt Albers is ready to go, Don Orsillo said.

Whatever.

Stop spitting seeds, Tito. Stop it.

Someone needs to give him a more attractive habit.

Ball three. Look at that.

Someone’s been drinking the Lackey juice…

STOP drinking STRANGE JUICE.

Strike out. Okay. Good. One out. And Tito skips to the mound. Skips.

FDA! Quiet! Tek will HEAR YOU. Then we’ll be done for. Apologize. Apologize this minute!

Albers. Albers, please do not mess up. Please? Please. With sugar on top. And whipped cream. And sprinkles. The chocolate kind. And did you see that Tim Thomas lookalike in the Bruins jersey and Sox hat in the audience? Why can’t THAT guy live in Boone?

Or North Carolina. I’d commute.

Probably. I’d probably commute.

MY LIFE IS SO COMPLICATED.

Okay, Albers. Distract me, baby. Distract me with sweet, sweet strikes. THAT was not a sweet, sweet strike. That was a crappy, crappy ball. Fix. It.

FIXITNOW.

Strike three! Two down. One more. ONE MORE. That is three minus two, for those of you paying attention at home.

I figured that’s how they film it. I used to work in tv- and we did the same thing with the Panthers in Charlotte. A fling? Like, a public one? How do you do that, I wonder… do you HAVE to be blonde? Because I can be blonde.

Strike out! Did you see that? Albers struck TWO out. Back to back. How… um… nice.

—–

Stressful. Bottom of the seventh. Daniel Bard is readying in the pen. The trust… it’s still going to take some work, love. But we’re getting there. Yes, we are. Slowly.

Home run for Jacoby@ Home run for Jacoby! That’s called HUSTLING. See that, Adrian Gonzalez? THAT is why you RUN.

You know who had the LAST in park home run? That was in 2007? KEVIN YOUKILIS. Everyone’s favorite.

If that had been A-Gonz, it would have been like a single. It is 12-9.

Marco Scutaro is at first. No one is out. Adrian Gonzalez (hopefully INSPIRED by recent events) is at bat.

Look at that. A “LONG SINGLE.”

If it had been Jacoby… well, you know…

But no outs. And A-Gonz on first. And Scut on third. And Pedroia at bat. Oh, and NO OUTS.

Base hit! 13-9! 13-9!

Jacoby will NEVER be a Skankee. He wouldn’t do that to us, FDA. He wouldn’t do that to us.

Stop your blaspheming.

I AM SO JEALOUS. It is not fair. I should be at that game. I would have appreciated it. This one too. I am never at games. NEVER. Stupid North Carolina.

I was watching the game. I liked K-Youk, but that was the year I fell in love. I was at the late Geno’s Sports Bar. And I loved him then. LOVED him. And look at us now…

Big Papi. We’re close to my initial goal of 18 runs. But not as close as we could be. Fix it, Papi. Fix it. David Ortiz. Please? Full count. You can walk there. That’s okay too.

YAY! A walk! The bases! They are loaded.

And Buck Showalter is making ANOTHER pitching change. And his face is angry. And it is great! I wonder what David Price is saying right now… David Price and Johnny Damon are probably in their PJs after an exciting evening of truth or dare and facials.

And hit! And yay! And 14-9! 14-9!

Four more runs, baby, then you guys can take a breather. FOUR MORE.

Bases loaded. And no outs! What a great inning.

I wish this was in a game that was… you know… not a team as terrible as the Orioles. Like… a braggable team. Like… anyone but the Orioles.

Really? The new kid got a grand slam?! Really? This just made that kid’s whole life.

Conor Jackson, ladies and gentleman. And it is now 18-9. No outs. I am glad I set 18 as just a preliminary goal. I believe I said you guys should stop at 28.

Varitek chooses to strike out. See, since we’re at 18, he wants to give everyone a breather. And I support his decision.

Probably because that grand slam was so amazing that Game Day could not compute it…

I’d like to see Jason Varitek take Curt Young’s job. SERIOUSLY.

You live in Boston. You could watch this on television.

Jacoby! Jacoby! Do it again! Do it again!

Oh. Out. Inning Over.

That’s okay. Because it is 18-9.

—-

I think you should add up runs and it should help you get to the playoffs. We would SO win.

SHHHH. You apologize to Tek. You apologize to Tek right now!

Lars Andersen. Michael Bowden. They are putting the PawSoxies out. Which is always a good sign. Well, mostly a good sign. Tito does strange things sometimes.

A newbie makes a catch. Neat. One out.

Oh, look. Kevin Gregg warming in the pen.

We ALLLLLL remember Kevin Gregg, right?

He’s a guy I’d like to clock with a rock.

Two outs.

I like these new kids.

Yes, I do.

Having trouble remembering why irrelevant Kevin Gregg is aneurysm worthy? Click here and be reminded.

Shawn. It is September. We will never be safe again.

In the air… left center… Jacoby makes the catch. Inning over. And there’s no one I’d rather see choke than Kevin Gregg.

I’m looking forward to THIS half of the inning.

—-

Hear that boo? Look at that. First base. Iglesias. First pitch. That has to be embarrassing, KEVIN GREGG…

And he’s a rookie. AWKWARD.

Now they mention the altercation. But just in passing. If I were the announcer, I’d have clips of all those whiny quotes Gregg spat out. You know, juxtaposed with this, an 18-9 score. Oh, two balls. TWO balls. That must be humiliating, Kevin Gregg. You and Jabba the Smut and David Price (when the league of evil meets next) will have to plan a bake sale or something to get your mind off THIS game.

Hah! I was hoping it would hit him in the face, Shawn. But little victories…

One out.

Aviles batting for Pedroia. Aviles is the guy that bounced the ball into Price’s shoulder yesterday. Let’s see if he does it again.

That ball one was awful close to Aviles. So was that strike, actually. Protect yourself from this jerkwad, Aviles.

Ortiz on deck.

Second out.

Ortiz at the plate. The cries of Papi… remember those cries, Gregg? Remember?

Now they are flashing back to Gregg, that time he tried to kill Papi. And the fight.

Lovely.

I’m so glad they’re not pinch hitting Papi.

I’d like a close up of Gregg’s face. He’s either cocky or petrified. Probably an Oriolistic mash up of both. That’s right, Gregg. Don’t let ’em see you cry. I think I saw a sniffle.

Pitches are high. Full count.

Yeah. You might want to walk him, Gregg. I wouldn’t try hitting him with a ball again. I just wouldn’t.

Papi’s really maintaining composure. I don’t think I would.

Ball four. Papi heads to first. I feel like Gregg dodged a bullet there. Runners at first and second. Jackass still pitching. Reddick is running for Ortiz.

Pop out. Whatever. You’re still losing, Kevin Gregg. At life. Oh, and at this game. And at LIFE. Does Kevin Gregg piss you guys off this much? He irks me an irrational amount for his lack of talent.

—-

I mean, you’d think, to be able to irritate me THIS much, you’d be able to, you know, pitch. Like CC Sabathia. He irritates me. But it’s because his pitches are nasty. Kevin Gregg, you irritate me because your mouth is nasty.

Josh Bell is at the plate. Whatever.

It’s 18-9! 18-9! Michael Bowden is really not that bad. I’d rather see him pitch than Morales. Or… um… Lackey. Out.

Base hit. Just sort of looks at it as it comes down. Whatever.

I’d like two more outs, please.

I love the guy in the crowd with the Boston pimp outfit. I want that guy to be my friend.

“That looks like something I used to wear to studio 54,” Remy said.

Sure.

And they think that wig is real. Because they are men. And men don’t know hair. Unless it is their own. And so many men don’t have hair. Sigh.

ONE MORE. And it’s off Lars Andersen’s glove. Of course it is.

Because, cruel as we are, we want Bucky to have hope.

Kevin Gregg, I hope you are watching!

He’s probably texting David Price and Johnny Damon. He’s probably devastated that he missed the sleepover for this.

What do you think their truth or dares are? At the league of evil sleepover meetings? I bet they dare Johnny to grow his hair out.

Come on, Bowden! Pop up… Tek… Makes the catch! Of course he does! RED SOX WIN!

——

Ohmygosh. Please. Please do that, Shawn. Do that and take photos and put them on facebook. Please.

Well. Now I am not tired. That win was like caffeine. Caffeine!

Drat.

I need to.. um… count or something?

An original haiku.

New people catching/Universe repairs itself/But where is Kevin?

The Yankees need to win tomorrow too, FDA. How will we work this out in our brains?

I am so perplexed.

But we won. So there’s that…

Thanks, kids, for sharing in the victory.

~L

The mighty O’s. Hah. I wish they were mighty. Then maybe pundits would shut up and pretend tonight counted…

I think you have to type it, FDA. I think you have to. We have to. I’ll start. Okay.

Um.

Go…

Go...

goyankees.

There. That wasn’t… Um… that wasn’t so hard…