Home > Drunken Live Blogging > Redemption: The Tim Wakefield edition: Tampa vs Boston

Redemption: The Tim Wakefield edition: Tampa vs Boston

I’m trying this again. I hesitate to make any promises, after MLB let it known its clear vendetta… But, in 20 minutes, I will be live blogging your socks off.. your RED socks off. <-See how sleep improves my sense of humor? I got some!

—-

1:26. For those of you who didn’t have the pleasure and don’t want to read my entire Saturday ramble, here’s a summary of what happened yesterday:

Now that we’re all caught up…

—–

Tim. Wakefield. Oh, Tim Wakefield. Such happy memories of you. Remember that time you won 200 games? And it took us eight tries because your teammates were so nervous? Well, PAY attention, people. Milestone? Check. No need to play crappily ANYMORE.

I like the NESN intro. Don’t you? It’s very dramatic. And some what ironic, under the circumstances.

It’s 40 degrees at my apartment. Which doesn’t seem right.

Hi, Don Orsillo! Hi, Jerry Remy! Boy, after yesterday, I am glad to see you.

“They’ve been getting off early,” Jerry Remy says, of Tampa.

I’ll just let that one hang there.

Outscored 21-9… blahblahblahblahblah

David Price. We remember how much I hate David Price, right? No? Here’s a recap from a June 17th blog where stupid Price nailed MY Kevin Youkilis with a rock:

The ump was all over it, which was weird. Glaring at MY Kevin Youkilis, which was weird, since it was so early in the game. He know something I don’t?

But CHECK OUT THIS ARTICLE about how Price’s temper tantrum may have cost them the game.

See… and it was a temper tantrum, apparently caused by Youk’s foot hitting Casey Crotchman Wednesday- a move even the Crotchmaster himself said was an accident.

“I know he didn’t mean to do it,” Kotchman told Marc Topkin of the St. Petersburg Times.

Did this punk go after you on purpose, Youkie-poo?

“I mean, there’s a base open, I just thought he doesn’t have that bad a command a lot of times and, you know, I’m more mad because [the pitch] is up pretty high,” he said. “The ball hits me up in the shoulder, and then hits my hand. If I get hit, you know me, I get hit a ton of times, it’s not a big deal, but I don’t like when the ball’s up real high.”

What?! Did this ass come toward you off the mound?

“Ask him. You gotta ask him that question,” Youkilis said. “And don’t answer that question for me, either. I’m saying that right now. I have no comment on that. You have to ask him. I want that written like that, too.”

Think it had to do with Crotchman?

“I don’t understand the Kotchman thing,” he said. “I don’t know. I think it was an accident running, lunging out, my foot came up over [Kotchman’s foot]. My toe, if you watch in very slo-mo, was up pointed like I usually run, and hit his Achilles or his ankle. I’ve been stepped on at first base and we don’t retaliate against anybody.”

Let’s NOT have a repeat tantrum, k, Price?

—–

Tim Wakefield 32nd game of the year. First effort since the 200 victory. Which was the last time we were happy…

Price, you’ll have to find another enemy number one. Because Youkie’s not (SIGH) in the lineup.

But I’m sure he has a finger just for you.

Wakey’s got two strikes. and ground… Out at first!

And OUT at first again! Two down. Lovely start. Easier when the weight of two hundred isn’t jumping up and down on your cerebrum. I like Mike Avilles’ sunglasses. Do you think I could pull that off?

Evan Longoria. Wild pitch.

Wake and Salty sometimes battle each other with these pitches. Only do that when there is no one on base, k?

Pop… Caught. 1, 2, 3. Sweet. 1:41. Going into the bottom of the first.

——–

Alex, Jamaica Plain, MA reads the names of our heroes. I want to do that.

Hi, David Price. So we meet again.

Yeah. You got a no decision against the fricking Orioles.

Of course… we keep losing to your punk team so…

Jacoby at the plate. If you’re going to get out anyway, could you nail Price in the face?

Or get thrown out at first. Sure. That’s effective.

See all the people, Price? All the people in the stands? You’re not used to that. All those people? They’re here to see you fail.

Avilles hits a fair ball.

I like this guy. DOUBLE. One out. Avilles is on second. He’s really growing on me in an okay plus capacity. Because, Gonz, HE actually does something. And, did you see how he was RUNNING to second? See that? If you got that hit, and I say IF, you would be on first. Wild pitch. But Avilles (JACOBY) is stopping to THINK. He thinks, should I risk an out and Lauren’s anger? No. No, I should not. Keep thinking that way. Because I coulple nights ago when you were out on that steal, it affected me on an emotional level. So thanks for your restraint.

His last win was Aug 28 at Toronto. That’s a long time, David Price.

Price has won all of his career starts at Fenway. Whatever.

Maybe we should just use a random Pawtuckett transplant until you get your groove back, Gonz. I’d be in favor of doing that for Crawford too. Oh… left field… and he catches it. And you’re out, Gonz. And I am not surprised. Because there’s something wrong with you.

Pedroia to bat. Avilles still at second.

Pedroia is 2 for 11 against the Rays in this series. Wild pitch. Avilles doesn’t advance. Because he is CAREFUL.

I LIKE Avilles.

Joe Maddon has stupid sunglasses.

Strike three. Avilles stranded like Tom Hanks in Castaway. Really. It’s exactly like that. I think he even named second base George.

Tim Wakefieldddddd. Is tripping up. Uhoh. He’s tripping up. 2-1. Uhoh. Okay. 2-2. Okay. Wild pitch. And Kotchman gets to first. Damnit.

That was cheap, Kotchman.

That was crap, Salty.

That was… its okay, Wakey. You can’t help it.

Wild pitch.

And Kotch heads second.

CRAP.

Salty!

Tito!

You know who CAN handle knuckles? VARITEK.

I get what you’re doing, Tito. Trying to teach the new flock the art of knucklecatching. But this isn’t the time.

Johnny Damon. Maybe he’s trying to grow his beard back or something. But it kind of looks like face paint.

I like listening to the crowd when Damon hits.

CRAP. We could have caught that. But we didn’t. And now it’s 1-0. And Johnny Damon has on arrogant Damon face. And the boo wave rises from the stands. And he’s so damn arrogant with his little helmet tip.

Okay. No outs. No outs at all. And the balls are flying everywhere. Tim!

You know who would make a decent starter? ALFREDO ACEVES.

Wake, please don’t be done. Please? Get the snap back. Do a couple jumping jacks or something. That. Was. not. A. Jumping. Jack.

Okay. Out at first. Okay.

Damon is on second. The announcers know he’s going to steal third. I know he’s going to steal third. How ’bout you, Wake? Do you know that?

More checkerboarding. I have yet to watch an MLB.tv game without it checkerboarding.

It’s a really crappy service. If there was any other way to watch this without investing in a television…

Damon scores. Of course he does. 2-0. Man on first. ONE out.

Sean Rodriguez.

Throw down- gets away from Pedroia. And second is stolen. And that was Pedroia’s fault. And… damnit.

Curt Young. Pay attention.

Somebody take the sunflower seeds out of the dugout. Apparently they are distracting.

You know who IS paying attention? Joe Maddon. He’s not eating sunflower seeds. He is wearing sunglasses and glaring at the camera. YOU could be doing that, Tito.

Salty. You have got to work with us, k? Got to. Take some time. You and Timmy should bond or something. Over ice cream or margaritas or whatever you kids are into these days.

Hit by a pitch. HIT BY A PITCH. So first and second with runners.

Outside. Ball one. Of course. Tito closeup. Smacking those sunflower seeds.

And a strike. Okay. That is something. Oh… an old lady is walking through the stands with a Lowell shirt on. LOWELL! I mis Mike Lowell. He’d know what to do. He’d save us. He’s save us ALL.

Strike three. An out. Okay. Now we’ve got two.

I don’t like this Desmond Jennings guy. He has these scary cheekbones, see…

And no expression on his face. Even we he makes an amazing catch.

Base hit. Yep. And another score. Yep. So it’s 3-0. Yep. An a runner on first and third. Yep. Oh good. Lots of replays. That makes it better. And Wake tries to show authority by throwing to first even when Jennings is just hanging out. I get the thought… but… Salty CATCHES THE FOUL.

But damage is done. Damn.

going to bottom of the second, 2:10 p.m.

Marissa Miller is watching the game and, apparently, we are supposed to care. Please. I have that exact same outfit. Um. With less expensive sunglasses. And no leather.

David Ortiz.

Crap. Up the middle. Thrown out at first. But, you’ll notice Papi at least RAN.

That is called TRYING.

Stupid Casey Crotchman.

Conor Jackson. We saw you yesterday. We are not sure how we feel about you. Nope. We are not. But probably better than Crawford. The announcer is surprised that Crawford isn’t playing- got to stick with your best, he said.

Yeah, well, Jerry. When your best is doing NOTHING, got to mix it up. I am supportive of the plan, Tito. I’m really supportive of anything right now. Because something has to change.

Ball four. And he’s on first.

Bet Crawford wouldn’t be on first. He would have done something silly. Like popped out.

Darnell McDonald. Ohno. Couldn’t you find another Pawtuckett pawn?

Oh. A ball. Okay. I don’t care if we have to walk our way to a win as long as we get there..

What, what David Price? Could Karma being calling?

‘Cause karma’s a bitch.

And McDonald walks to first.

Good job, David Price. Good job.

Salty at the plate.

Just stand there. At this rate, you’ll load the bases.

Bounce in for ball one.

Yep. Just stay put, Salty. Don’t you swing at a thing (unless you KNOW it’s a home run)

Salty… flies out. Yep. And no advance for the base runners. So. You really didn’t do anything, did you, Salty? Except give us the second out.

Marco Scutaro. He’s had a terrific month of September, Don says. Hah.

Terrible month, September. Terrible month.

I’m glad I thought to get out the bubblewrap. It’s really quite cathartic, bubblewrap. You should try it next time you watch a Sox game. Joe Maddon is enjoying that uber-close camera toooooo much.

Wow. Scutaro almost hit? Scutaro almost killed. Did you SEE that?

Just stay put, Scut.

He’s second to Victor Martinez this month in RBIs. Did you know that?

Popped up. Crotchman makes the fricking catch.

And we strand two.

—-

Jerks started the fourth with a definition of what a wild pitch is. Thanks guys. Thanks.

Now they are defining a passed ball. And using video clips of Sox playing to demonstrate.

One out. Strikes Crotchman out. Two outs.

Maybe we got the nasty inning over with?

Hear those boos? That’s amazing. Johnny Damon is compensating with a jackass grin. The announcers, relevant as always, are discussing pumpkins.

Such cheers as Damon’s defeated by a catch.

—–

Jacoby.

Is out.

This is depressing. WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?

Aviles. Oh. Only one L? I have totally been spelling your  name wrong. What are you doing? Are you watching this? He’s doing this weird swirly thing with his bat? Seriously? That’s really what you do?

Kevin Youkilis close up. He looks sad.

Aviles is out.

But back to Kevin Youkilis…

Oh. And Aviles cut Price in the chest with a ball. Did you see that, Youk?

How does getting CLOCKED WITH A BALL feel, Price?

Well, that made the game worth it to me…

Sucks, doesn’t it, Price? Aviles looks concerned. Look at him. It’s okay, Aviles. He’d do it to you if he could.

Remember that thing I said about Karma? And revenge?

That’s right. Put your belt back on. Why did he have to unbutton his pants and remove his belt to check on his SHOULDER?

And now there’s a pause while we see if he’s okay. There was no pause to see if KEVIN YOUKILIS was okay in June.

He seems to be pitching jusssssst fine. But he was slumping just before this- and may use this as a retroactive excuse, see?

He’s staying in the game “for now.”

That took a really long time.

And A-Gonz at the plate.

Hasn’t affected his velocity, announcer says.

But, what you bet, if he chokes again like he did a minute ago, he blames the ball.

Gonz gets out at first. Lightly jogging, of course.

—-

2:45 pm. 4th inning. Wake starts it with a strike.

Out at first, thanks to Aviles. With ONE L.

Apparently, after the game, prepare for a look back at Wake’s 200th win. Really? That was like, a week ago. I think we can remember back to, like, a week ago.

Jackson can’t catch it. And Joyce gets a double.

Yeah, let’s replay Jackson slamming into the board again.

Sean Rodriguez at bat. He’s the guy we hit earlier with a pitch. And McDonald catches and… they still get a run. 4-0. Tampa.

Two outs.

Kelly Shoppach at plate.

Or, as we shall soon call him, out number three.

See that? He tried to get hit by the pitch. The announcer saw that too. Strike. And Shoppach, aka out number three, is arguing about it. Sit down.

—–

Announcers still talking about Karma. I mean, they think they’re talking about Mike Aviles, but you and I know the truth.

Dustin Pedroia. Aim for the shoulder, Pedroia. Aim for the shoulder.

I didn’t mean that.

I DID.

Yes. Base hit! Goes through Zobrist. And Pedroia is at first.

The blue jays are beating the yankees…. That’s nice.

Ortiz hits… a foul. Looked like it was going places. Places that weren’t a foul.

Ball four. Ortiz walks. So we have a runner on first, a runner on second. No outs. Conor Jackson at the plate.

Ew. He spat. Not the way to give me a good early impression of you, Tiger.

Third start for us. 9th game. From the A’s. No wonder you are so unfamiliar to me.

Foul. But it had potential, Jackson. Potential. Do it again, but to the right.

I miss Kevin Youkilis. Come on. You were thinking it too.

Pops up. Caught.

First out. We still have two on base.

I like his sunglasses too. Good job with the glasses, McD. We may be losing the game, but we sure are winning at sunglasses.

Off the wall! Pedroia scores! Ortiz scores! 4-2, Sox! And McD’s on second!

Salty.

Oh no. Fouls it off himself and goes down. Oh no.

He looks hurt. But he got back up again. Because he’s a champ. Tito stopped munching the seeds. That’s something.

Aceves getting it going with a beat. What is that? An ice pick? I love you, Alfredo. Even when you are in the dugout.

Salty strikes out.

Scut is back.

Out at first. But at least we are on the scoreboard now.

—-

Base hit for Jennings to start things off. And we’re talking about Fords. The car, not what you have to do to your wagon in Oregon Trail.

Desmond Jennings. Blast.

Pitch out to grab Jennings. They say he’s safe? I don’t think so. Seriously?

Jennings gets a steal because the umpires hate us.

In the dirt and Jennings just takes third. Just takes it.

Frick.

Curt Young going to the phone in the bullpen.

Jennings gets to the plate because that one gets away too. 5-2, Tampa Bay. And The SAME GUY IS BATTING.

5-2.

BJ Upton is out. That’s something.

Base hit for Longoria. Single. Mmhmm. I could be watching Netflix. Or napping. I could be doing BOTH of those things.

Only ONE OUT.

Joe Maddon and David Price having some kind of convo. Whatever, I don’t care, Jerry Remy.

Crotchman walks.

I’m enjoying all these replays of Price getting hit.

I feel a certain degree of closure. How ’bout you?

McD catches. Second out.

Doubrant and Scott Atchison warming up…

First drops the ball. And a run is scored off something that would be easy, easy, easy to prevent. 6-2. 6-2. Aviles just throws it away. I don’t like this Aviles. Nope.

Outside crazy pitch. Doubrant. I say go with Doubrant.

Strike out. Inning ends. But damage. Damage is fricking done.

—–

Jake McGee taking over for Price. I like how they’re blaming all of Price’s crap on the chest hit. But, if you will recall, he started floundering an inning prior to that. Jacoby. Pop. Out.

Aviles.

Out at first.

And. Inning over. Nothing is accomplished. AGAIN.

—–

Desmond Jennings is back. Awesome. <- Sarcasm.

Atchison.

Leadoff walk. Um. Atchison?

Weilland is going to pitch again? That’s what announcers are talking about. One out, by the way.

But seriously?

Another out.

Weilland. Sigh. I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s not going to be pretty.

I am making a sandwich. Veggie burger. With avocado and sundried tomatoes. Something about today is going to be awesome, damnit.

Out. Still 6-2. But at least the inning is over.

—-

Bottom of the 6th. I have a renewed optimism, thanks to my sandwich. This is going to be the inning where Pedroia shows us how it’s done. And by IT, I mean winning. So, pay attention.

Sundried tomatoes, I am so glad you were on special at Lowes Foods.

Okay, Pedroia. I’d send you my sandwich, if I could, but there’s no way it would reach you on time. You are going to have to do this one by yourself. Invoke the spirits of Mike Lowell and Pedro Martinez.

MIKE LOWELL WOULD BE ASHAMED OF THAT POP OUT.

Failure, Dusty. FAILURE.

Papi at the plate. I love avocado. Come on, Papi.

Blue Jays killed Stanks, three to zip.

That’s nice.

Two outs and it’s up to Jackson. And it’s caught.

——

Andrew Miller. Coming out of the bullpen. Where Andrew Miller belongs. See that, Kyle Weilland? The bullpen. It’s a great place. Maybe if you talk to Curt Young, you could stay there too!

Look at that. He’s on first.

Of course.

Because Andrew Miller HATES me.

Casey Crotchman.

Can we have another close up of Kevin Youkilis? I need sanity.

I need to look into the face of a winner.

Oh, Crotchman is out on strikes! Okay. Okay!

A walk and a strike out in the 7th for Miller.

Johnny Fricking Damon.

I can tell by the boo wave.

Damnit. They did one of those outside pitches to catch the steal at second and it backfired AGAIN. Like it did earlier this game. Now he’s just on second.

This game is breaking my heart.

Looking at Johnny Damon is like looking at an exboyfriend that cheated on you for a year with a girl he met on the fricking internet.

I mean, I imagine it’s like that.

Two outs. Sit down JD. Sit. Down.

Ben Zobrist.

He has something written on his black lipstick. It is written in white. I’d like to be able to read it. A closeup would be nice. Oh, my screen is not checkerboarding! For the first time! For the- oh, it’s back.

Something in white letters… you, Ben Zobrist, are a walking enigma. Hopefully not a walking enigma. Um, hopefully a striking enigma.

And Longoria takes advantage of the crazy pitch and goes to third.

Salty’s just not doing so great at the catching thing today.

Full count. We just need one more out. One more. And then our offense is going to show up. Right guys? Right guys?

Another outside pitch. Another walk. Another stupid hair day for Andrew Miller.

Oh. Curt Young has decided to talk to Andrew Miller.

Matt Joyce at the plate. And two balls. Man at first. Man at third. And Andrew Miller just balling away. 3-0. One more, and we’ve walked our fricking bases loaded, Miller. Don’t be that guy. Don’t do it.

Aren’t you glad Miller’s not in our starting rotation?

Strike. Joyce started to walk to first. But it was a strike. Nice try, Joyce.

Another strike. And Zobrist steals second.

Joyce gets a base hit. Longoria scores. Zobrist scores. 8-2, Tampa.

Thanks to YOUR walks, Miller. BOTH of your walks just scored. BOTH OF THEM.

Why am I still watching this? It is 4:14. I have been watching for a hundred hours. And I am doing more playing than you, Red Sox. Strike one. But I am not fooled. I know they will be followed by balls one through four, you jackass.

Curt, are you watching this? Curt? Do you care?

CURT!

And Tito is trying to plant sunflowers allllll over the dugout. STOP MOUTH GARDENING AND HELP ME.

I hate this. HATE this. I want to watch hockey. Or basketball. Or football or something. Or GOLF.

Strike out. But don’t feel so satisfied, Miller. SEE THAT SCOREBOARD? SEE IT? I want to rub your snotty nose in it.

—-

Oh good. The dumbest game ever is still going on. Gooooood. More beer. 8-2. Is it just me, or does beer seem warmer when your team is so bad that Darnell McDonald is your shining standout?

Speaking of McD. He is at the plate.

I LOVE his sunglasses. The eyewear might make this game worth it. That, and the Price revenge…

Yay! A Price injury replay! Let’s watch it again!

popped up. Crotchman grabs it. First out.

Yep. First out.

And Salty is up. Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who is 0 for 2, will try to save us.

It is only the bottom of the 7th.

Who will survive and what will be left of them?

I miss Kevin Youkilis.

And winning. I miss that too.

Salty is caught. Second out.

Marco. Fly ball. Foul. I can’t watch this. Yes I can. No I can’t. Yes.

Base hit? Base hit! Base hit!

Hi, FDA. I am so glad to see you. It was glorious to watch David Price hit by a ball. Don’t worry. They’ll replay it. The announcers seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. Take that, Youk-hitter.

Jacoby! Jacoby! We have one on first. And Jacoby at the plate. And one out left. We can do this! We can do this! FDA, your presence has inspired me to a new level of optimism! It’s really going to happen this time and… BASE HIT, JACOBY! YESSSS. We have runners at first and third and… it’s going to happen! We’re going to do this! We really, really are! All you’ve got to do is believe with me, FDA. Let’s believe!

Aviles. Aviles with ONE L. Yessssss. I feel this surge of enthusiasm…. in the air, deep left field… HOME FUN! Three run shot! SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE WORK TOGETHER AND BELIEVE, FDA?!!! We did this. You and me! 8-5! 8-5! I never doubted Aviles for a minute.

FDA! Now we have to do it again. You and me. It is NOT impossible that we could score some runs. NOT impossible. Now let’s breathe in sync or something. I know it’s hard, because we’re on the internet, and you’re in Boston, but we have to try! Because A-Gonz is batting. And he REALLY needs us.

Strike out. FDA! Try harder!

—-

Okay. Now without the “for now.”

YESSSS! That’s the spirit! We so have this. We’re going to have a scoreless top of the inning, and then our bats, oh, our bats are going to knock the crap out of these rays. The crap, I say! You still with me???? WE BELIEVE!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Andrew Miller?

Oh. Matt Albers. Good. Good. Okay. I believe again. I believe.

Albers. Okay. You are … okay!

I believe in you, Matt Albers. Kelly Shoppach. Bah. Shoppach. Who are you anyway? Just some guy in a hat. Right, Albers? Right? Ball three? Albers? I said I BELIEVED in you. I even meant it. Mean it! I mean it!

Full count. Yes. Full count. Angels beat the Orioles but no one cares.

Because we are about to witness something amazing, right, Albers? Eighth time was the charm for Wakefield and 8th inning with be the charm for YOU, Red Sox.

Ellsbury makes a nifty catch to send Shoppach out. I like this optimistic side of you, FDA.

Out at first. Two down! Two down, FDA! Two down!

I LOVE that movie. I like the horse. I really can’t watch that horse enough.

I mean, I don’t see why we can’t win the World Series. It’s not like we’re asking for something hard like world peace. Just a few baseball games.

The umpire almost went down. THAT would have been tragic.

Salty is helping him out. Yesssss, Salty, feign nice with the ump. Yesssss.

Make him owe you one.

Chop to third, out at first? Oh. out of the glove of ADRIAN GONZALEZ. Out of the glove.

It’s okay. This is a test, FDA. They are testing us. Well, you know what? I STILL BELIEVE.

Nice try, faith destroyers, but mine is IN TACT.

Longoria. You WILL get struck out. You WILL get struck out. You WILL. Strike! Yessss. This positivity thing rocks.

Do that nifty set up thing for the steal. It might work this time.

Or do that! Strike! You will get struck out. You WILL.

Crotchman on deck. You might as well head back to the dugout, Crotch, because Longoria is going to strike the frick out.

Yes. He. Is.

BELIEVE.

One. More. Strike.

And UPTON OUT AT THE STEAL! They listened, FDA! They LISTENED!

Now for the offensive explosion.

—-

I miss Kevin Youkilis. I know you do too. But we cannot be sad. He would want us to push forward. Push onward. And score some fricking runs.

Pause Tangled and get serious, FDA. It’s up to us.

Pedroia the Destroyah. Pedroia the Scorah. That’s what they’ll say in a minute.

Or the walker. That’s fine too. But we WILL reach a base. We WILL.

Oh… we WILL.

It’s like that little engine. You know. The one that could? We’re like that. And it’s two and two. And that was a boo. Because that looked outside to all of us.

But Pedroia keeps his cool. He’s classy like that.

Outside. Full count.

FULL COUNT.

Something amazing is going to happen. You’ll see. They’ll all see. David Ortiz waits on deck. Pedroia, pops up a foul out of play… because he is trying to STRESS US OUT.

Pedroia… down on strikes? But… I… I believed…

Oh. Another test. You almost had me, Red Sox. Two outs. We have two outs left, and you are about to see some miracles. David Ortiz. The Miracle Man. Right. Here.

Strike. Um.

Okay. I don’t know how I can believe any harder. FDA, are you believing? Because something is not working. And… hit… and… CAUGHT? What?

Who out there is not BELIEVING? Two outs. Two outs and… CARL CRAWFORD? ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?

It’s a test. It’s… a… test…

You have to believe for another inning at least, FDA. This is just a test. We’re being tested. It is. Um. Going to be fine. Great even. GREAT.

Carl Crawford can do it. Carl Crawford WILL do it. I one hundred percent KNOW that we will win. I KNOW that.

Tito decided to put in this Conor Jackson guy. You know. For giggles. That’s why Crawford wasn’t playing.

AND CARL DOES SOMETHING?! I mean OF COURSE, CARL CRAWFORD DOES SOMETHING! Of course he does! Yesssss. Don’t stop! Beliieeeevvvvin…

The past does not matter, FDA. All we have is right now. And in this moment. We believe.

McDonald. The OLD Lauren would be like, what the frick, Tito? Why doesn’t HE get a pinch hitter? So what he got two scores this game, he usually gets the big zip. But the new Lauren is 100 percent confident in his abilities. The new Lauren did just get a real positive jolt when she saw Aceves warming up in the bullpen. GO DARNELL MCDONALD!

We have GOT this, you and I. GOT this.

What cool shades you have.

Darnell DID get a double. It was fascinating.

My dog is flipping out. I told her she had to wait another inning to go out and she growled at me.

Out.

But it’s okay. Because we have another inning. We, FDA, will be FINE.

—–

Okay. Let’s hurry this up. My dog made a weird noise.

Where’s Alfredo?

Pedroia makes the throw. Longoria is out.

TREVER MILLER? But… Aceves was… and… we… and…

Positivity!

I’m sure you made this decision with a great amount of rationale, Curt Young. I believe in both of you.

Oh look… a ball….

And another one.

Ellsbury catches the pop out! Okay! Clearly you have a plan. Okay.

Johnny Damon. I can tell by the boo wave.

What a boo wave. I saw a finger. Did you see that?

Michael Bowden is also warming up. The gang’s all here.

Strike to Johnny Damon. And a ball to Johnny Damon. I know it’s tempting, but you are not allowed to hit him with a pitch this time, k? No matter how many obnoxious smirks he gives you. Pop out. Inning over.

Yes. It is a sign. But you’re going to have to 100 percent focus on this now, FDA. You can get back to Tangled once we’ve won. Yes.

—–

Okay. Believing. Check. Positivity. Check. Optimism. You betcha. Jarrod Saltalamacchia, it is up to you. And, with my impenetrable optimism, there is no way you will screw this up.

SALTY!

You can do this, Salty. I believe in you. I’ve ALWAYS believed in you. 2 and 1. Swing and a miss… two and two. Stop it.

All you need is one pitch.

Full count.

Okay.

And Scut on deck.

Okay.

I want to hear some rallying! Do this.

Salty fouls it off.

Strike out.

That’s fine. That’s fine. Doesn’t even bother me. Because I’m sure you tried. I mean, it looked like you choked… but I’m sure that was trying.

Scut! Scut! Scut!

Of course you said that, FDA, Because Varitek is AMAZING.

MARCO.

Wow. Tito’s stopped with the sunflower seeds. It must be serious.

Outside pitch. 1 and 2. Okayyyyyy.

Conor Jackson, what the frick. Do you see him in the dugout? He just shook his head at me. He just shook his head at me. THAT IS NOT OPTIMISM.

If we lose, it is YOUR fault. Not mine. I am DOING my part.

Yes. The chant of “Let’s go Red Sox.” I like that chant.

In the air… and caught.

Second out.

Which is fah-fricking FINE. Because Jacoby is up. And… this is just that much more dramatic. It will be that much more dramatic when we WIN, which is the ONLY POSSIBLE OUTCOME FOR THIS GAME.

Yes, FDA. Exactly. This is alllll part of the plan. Damnit it. The PLAN.

I BELIEVE IN YOU, JACOBY! I mean, this pitcher came up through the Angels organization. The same people that brought us LACKEY.

Red Sox are a strike away from making it a two game lead. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE OPTIMISM, DON ORSILLO?

Left field… ball is OFF THE WALLLLLLL! Jacoby doubles! Jacoby doubles!!!!!

Mike Aviles. It is up to you. IT IS UP TO YOU.

See?! I spelled your name right! That counts for something! That counts for everything! Do this! You can do this!

Yes! A ball! Yes! I mean, it’s something, right?

OHNOADRIANGONZALEZISNEXT

You HAVE to do this, Aviles. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS. You have to get a homerun, because A-Gonz hits NOTHING when there are people on base.

You HAVE TO DO THIS.

Tito! Pinch hit for A-Gonz! Pinch hit! Send in… send in Curt Young! I don’t care! Just send someone in! Anyone!

Oh, come on, Mike Aviles! Please? I will… um… write a whole post in your honor. I will write a haiku about you. So will FDA! We will write haikus, and post about you, and adore you for games and games to come. You can’t BUY that kind of support.

No. No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What… what happened?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT… WHY… WHAT????

But… I … I… I believe…

But…

Why?

Maybe there’s a mistake. It’s commercial. Maybe when it comes back… it will…

Thank you for watching? THANK YOU FOR WATCHING? But… MLB… and… NESN… I… I…

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD.

It is 5:37. I wasted four hours of my life on this drivel. How much time… like… total… of our lives… do you think we’ve wasted on baseball?

I have to go. To find myself or something.

~L

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Categories: Drunken Live Blogging
  1. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I was at work so I missed most of this debacle. The thought of Johnny Damon being happy makes me sick.

  2. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    I seem to remember a playoff comeback against a better version of this Tampa Bay DEVIL Rays team. It is not impossible that we could score some runs. HAHAHAHAHA , Who am I kidding.

  3. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    I’ll believe, for now
    I BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Go us. BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Believe!!
    Believe!!
    Believe!!
    Believe!!

  6. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    I am watching Tangled right now and they have a song in this movie called, I have a dream. How is that for a sign????

  7. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    How much longer do I have to BELIEVE with all these freaking outs?

  8. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    COME ON CARL CRAWFORD, I am freaking believing do your damn part.

  9. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Speaking of Carl Crawford, WHY wasn’t he already playing?

  10. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    LET ME, Repeat my question. WHY wasn’t Carl Crawford playing ALL GAME AGAIN?

  11. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Okay then. I AM BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for at least one more inning?

  12. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Darne;; got a doub;e earlier (My phone said he did and my phone doesn’t lie. Okay so it lied a few weeks ago and told me we got a run when we didn’t but it was the umpires fault)

    COME ON DARNEL.

  13. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:06 pm

  14. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    Sure Tito. Lets give Carl Crawford a day off when we need a win so Conor Jackson can do nothing (I am just assuming he did nothing)

  15. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    The witch just fell out of the tower can I take that as a sign that the DEVIL Rays will lose????

  16. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    More evil (Damon) is out. A good sign????

  17. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    With teh way Salty has been playing I would have pinch hit Tek for him (yes I Just said that)

  18. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    2 outs. Time for our work to be put into motion.

  19. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Oh well. Looks like positivity doesn’t work either.

  20. FireDannyAinge
    September 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Your latest line SHOULD have said

    But… I … I… I believe… D

  21. gymtruthteller
    September 18, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    I wonder if the Yankees will show up against Tampa or lose on purpose?

  22. September 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Ouch! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t just a little pleased to see the wild card leader drop down just one more. But as another baseball fan with team that isn’t having the September I wanted them to have at all (your guys are doing much better of course, but still) I feel for your yucks, ouches, and “why did I just waste a few hours of weekend this way”s.
    — Kristen

  23. September 19, 2011 at 8:31 am

    The Rays will sputter soon enough. “Don’t stop believin’!” The season is a long…Journey.

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